MrBond thanks. I did ask again he said I already told you what was in it and that he thinks I am looking for an argument. Not true.
We have not gone to MC. I can hardly stand the thought of it right now. We did all that prior to him leaving. And, it isn't because of what I am scared to hear like some may say. I think I have hear the worst. We went to an intense marriage weekend last March and it was amazing.
It is as if he thinks he should be done proving anything to me. He feels its almost been a year,etc etc. He really hasn't slipped up yet. This would really be the first eye raiser for me.
He is just so unhappy with himself I think. THen if I question him or bring anything up it just escalates from there.
For example, he came home from work last night and I could tell he had been drinking a little . Please don't forget leading up to him leaving he drank A LOT. Lied about it and hid it. I don't like the drinking. I asked he told me yes I had a couple beers at work. Well, now how do I really know he wasn't at the bar where OW works?? I don't. I really don't think he was but how do I know. He tells me to call there. I am not that dumb. Like they will tell me the truth. Next thing you know this convo is out of control.
Bottom line: if I were to let him behave how HE wants to and do what he wants to and not talk about it or be upset then things would be great at home. I will admit I tend to go on and on. But, I know its because he either walked away from me or never got my point. I need to work on this but not sure how. Either way it isn't an excuse for him. The drinking brings back horrible memories for me. HE just doens't seem to get it. Help please.
The thing is that you can't force him to see your POV. You have to guide him to understand it. I would suggest that you go out and GAL. Come home after he does and just let things go. The first thing he'll do is start asking what you did and where you went.
He needs to be put into your position in order to understand. Now most of the time he's going to act like a big baby and throw a tantrum, but let him. You can't control what he will or will not do. YOU just go and enjoy YOUR life.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
"H, I know that we've already talked about this, but I need to say one more thing and then I will let it drop. I am trying really hard to learn to trust you again. And I think that I have made a lot of progress. But what happened with us caused some wounds that aren't just going to go away quickly. It is going to take time. I realize that me asking you to see the letter may seem silly to you. Maybe it is. But from my perspective, it is confirmation that I can begin to trust you again... confirmation that I don't need to fear repeating the past. You and I being able to be completely open with one another and feeling that neither of us have anything to hide will make me feel more secure in the fact that you want to be with me... that you want our marriage to work. That's what I need for me right now. Hopefully, a day will come when I feel SO secure in our marriage and our relationship that I won't think twice about these types of things. Anyway, I understand that you have your perspective as well. So I will drop the issue now. I just felt that I needed to explain why things like this are important to me. Love you. Goodnight."
I think that all you can do is explain your feelings, and be open and honest with your H. You can't force him to show you the letter. And if you put too much pressure on him, you will come across as nagging. Though only you can decide if you trust him enough right now to let this go.
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
UPDATE: Denver , everyone. Hello! Haven't been here for a long time!! My stomach did a little flip as I logged on. WHen do those feelings go away?? Wierd.
Things are going fine here. Sooo busy, like everyone. Seems like I am the one having a tough time the last month. Not exactly sure why. But H did come home one year ago on T giving so I think just this time of year brings back memories of how hard all that was. We do have so much fun together but he is just so unable to deal with stress with out barking at me or kids. And, every so often I just want to say "how dare you..." A lot more recently. I want the past to be the past but it does rear its ugly head with me. Not him.
Some days are worse than others for me. I feel like right now I am watching for signs again of him being "unhappy' and then I am torn by thinking well if hes acting crabby do I act "as if" or do I act mopey(old behavior) until he realizes and apologizes!! I know- real mature!! I guess I still feel like he should be thanking his lucky stars that he has his family back. Which means no crabbiness, etc. Please someone straighten me. I really not worried that anything is up. I suppose I should be using the stop sign method again. I have been fixating on the OW a lot lately too?!?/ I went off my wellbutrin about a month ago and think I may need to get back on. I need some encouragement. Thanks.
Hope I can help. What I gather from your last post is that you have NOT forgiven your H for his transgressions.
Which causes other obstacles. It seems that it keeps you sorta stuck and focused on that time in your lives. If you keep your focus there, inevitably it is going to affect you emotionally. It will began to eat at you and create resentment.
That's what I gather. Please correct me if I am wrong.
If it is accurate, the next step is to take action to address the issue.
Curious to know if you and your H have had any counseling/workshops since last year to improve your relationship skills.
One other thing, you said, "he should be thanking his lucky stars". That tells me that you have a sense of entitlement and that he owes you for allowing him back into your life. By doing this, you place expectations on him. When he does not meet them, you come away disappointed.
Since you are the one here, it begins with you. What are you doing to make your relationship move forward in a positive direction?
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
imo, that's a bit much to expect, don't you think? The former-WAS are still human and you don't really know what is driving his crabbiness unless you ask him, or confront him on it, directly, calmly, non-judgmentally.
Maybe he just needs to learn/practice new ways of dealing with stress, old habits die hard, at least for me they did/do. How can you guide him to that?
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
LJGH - I just want to stop by really quickly here. On my way out the door. It sounds like you already have the answers to the questions as to why you may be struggling. Get back on the med if that helped (btw, I take welbutrin too... good stuff), use that stop sign, and avoid the old behaviors.
I too struggled a bit the past few weeks. Also put way too much thought into the past and OM. Got a bit insecure when W got mad at me. It occurred to me though that I am probably the source of my own struggle. I am not doing what I am telling others to do, ie, put the past behind me.
Listen, after what we have been through, it is difficult not to think bad things when we are going through tough times with our spouses. But if we don't, we create our own unhappiness.... and we begin to forget the things that we learned here and with the books. Regardless of whether we just had the bombed dropped on us, or if we have been piecing for a year... we cannot control what others do, including our spouses. We have to learn to understand that not everything is personal. We have to learn to trust.
When you think about it, it is no different with a spouse who has left us in the past than it would be with a new bf/gf, or a new spouse. Nothing in life is guaranteed. Not our marriage, and not even tomorrow. Do YOUR thing. Be happy. Continue to be the change that you want to see in your H. Hold his hand (figuratively) and show him how to be happy in your marriage.
Keep posting if you continue to struggle. I will check back in after the holiday.
Merry Christmas!
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Isn't forgiveness a process?? Hmmm... A process for me? It's been a lot to process
I think first it's a choice. Then we have to keep making that choice again & again, maybe even daily.
And if we never saw it growing up, (I never did) then you might need tools to learn HOW b/c it's all well & good for us to say "forgive/let go", but if you don't know how, you need to learn how.
I went to a workshop that helped me, and also read some books a Therapist suggested. The books were not as helpful as the workshop b/c that was experiential,
meaning not a lecture or a book. But exercises that help us process forgiveness and work through it and get us to the other side.
And still, we have to recommit to those choices...check out Essential Experience's workshop, which I can definitely recommend. They have a website and other DBers have gone and can attest to what I"m telling you about its' value. (They provide housing too, so if you want to save money, or meet more people in it, EE has that advantage).
I've heard that Lifspring is also good, and it's in more cities, but I lack personal experience with it. All I'm saying is maybe you need a more intense strategy for getting to the other side.
But if you're okay where you are, then good! (But don't let fears of self discovery prevent you from getting more tools).
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
some of what you are discussing here is on my recent thread (or a thread with my name on it). See what you think.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
