Suddenly Separated in VA -- need your help

[mimivac]

Even now I'm having a really hard time coming out of my shell to express a need to H - this time because it seems pointless until he shows any interest in staying married. Sometimes it seems like it would be easier to cut the losses and start over with my new wisdom with a new person, as a new person. But this is fantasy - I'll take my same me to my next R unless I start acting like the new me in this one.

I feel the same way and my strategy right now is to only express those needs in the safe environment of MC, and then to do so without accusation. Otherwise, I am LRT all the way, which, as hard as it is, is really the way to go with a WAS who says that he needs time, space, and to shed his responsibilities to me. Anything else would be pressure. Like others here have said though, it does feel counter-intuitive. I keep thinking, "what if he concludes that I don't care and decides to end it for good?" But I know it doesn't work that way, so despite the occasional loneliness, I persist.

I've also learned that H is afraid of feeling his emotions, and shows no interest in changing this. I was aware that I'd be going it alone if I had a death of a loved one or a serious health issue, or heaven forbid something happened to the kids - he is just emotionally not there. I knew that a long time ago and accepted it because that's what I do. I don't know if that's going to be OK for me anymore.

I understand this very well, and it is partly responsible for our problems today. We did have a serious health issue and at the time I thought that it brought us closer together, but now I realize it created the distance that is now manifesting itself in our M. H refused to feel his feelings during my cancer diagnosis and treatment and I went on pretending that that was OK. It dug a gulf between us. He still cries when my diagnosis is mentioned; he can't get past my surgery scars. I know now how incredibly important it is not to neglect these kinds of feelings, how it helps the M to express them, how it can destroy a M to keep them hidden. That is something that we will definitely have to work on if we R. It sounds that it is something you and your H will need to work on, too. But first, we both need to get through our current predicaments. Wishing you well, Ad, and thank you so much for responding to my thread.

Mimi

[mimivac]

Journaling: I work at home on Fridays and can become morose after a full day by myself. H continues to couch surf at various friends' homes. He called last night to talk and to tell me that his housing plans for the weekend fell through (It seems that his friends are tiring of putting him up, especially when they don't really understand why he's not at home). I suggested that he could spend the weekend in our second home, which is a rural property about 2 hours away. He didn't seem too excited about that prospect. I was proud of myself that I didn't suggest he come back to the condo for the weekend and that I hung up the phone first. He called me "honey," which he hasn't done in a while.

He called again this morning to tell me that the results to his liver ultrasound were clear. The conversation was very quick and I hung up with a feeling of loneliness. I've been reading a book called, "Living Alone and Loving it" and it is really helping me to think about engaging fully in the world as a single person. It is helping me in the detaching process, too.

I realize how difficult truly detaching is. The kind of detaching that is not about temporarily GALing until your WAS comes back; or detaching as a way to get back at your WAS and "show him or her" how great you really are. But detaching and GALing that is really and truly about bettering yourself as a human being without regard to your particular sitch with your spouse. Working on it.

As part of that, I do plan to go to the Kennedy Center today and attend a free performance. Then I will treat myself to dinner and a drink out in the city. I am probably going to meet a friend sometime this weekend, and plan to plant the seeds of some of my other GAL activities that I have outlined in my blog. Hope everyone is doing great today.

Mimi

[mimivac]

So, for the second time since this whole thing started I did a major backslide. First, the good: I had a great time GALing on Friday. At first I was a little morose at home, but I decided that I was going to complete my planned activities no matter what. So after finishing up my work, I headed out to the city for a free performance at the Kennedy Center. I want to become accustomed to being out on my own as well as with others, so I made sure that this night was just for me. I saw and greatly enjoyed the performance and then treated myself to a beautiful mussel gratin with tomato fondue and a martini at the bar of a great restaurant I like.

During the meal, H called. I noticed that our conversations have lately turned from tense and fraught to pleasant and friendly. This seemed like a positive step. He said he was headed home for a change of clothes and we hung up. I was proud of myself that I didn't rush to finish my meal and get home so that I could catch him there. Instead I took my time and fully expected the he would be gone by the time I got home. Instead, he was sitting on the couch watching television. We watched some TV together and I told him about the performance, and he seemed to be really impressed that I had found something so great for free and gone on my own. Then, to my surprise, he got into his pajamas and got into bed. Now, it's one thing that he has decided to move out, but another thing if he thinks he can come and go as he pleases. I wasn't OK with that. So, I told him (not in an angry way, but a confident, composed way) that I would appreciate it if he asked my permission before spending the night at home. He agreed and apologized for being inconsiderate. All well and good and I felt strong and in charge of my life.

The next day (Saturday), I had dinner plans with a friend and H has planning on going to a bbq in the city. He told me he would let me know if needed to stay with me again. During dinner, he texted me that he had found a place to stay for the night. I couldn't help feeling a bit disappointed, but I didn't respond. I came home from a great meal with my friend and went to bed. For far so good.

Now here is where the trouble starts:

He comes home early on Sunday morning while I'm still in bed and gets into bed with me and snuggles. We sleep a little and then he wakes up and asks me if his coming and going like this is confusing for me. I don't know how to answer and my confusion leads to a big conversation that is full of emotion and a re-hash of why H wants to separate. He keeps saying that he doesn't know if his reasons are legitimate. Meanwhile, instead of listening and validating, I go into convince and reason mode, re-iterating why his reasons aren't legitimate, etc. Bad move and I know it as I'm doing it, but I can't seem to help myself.

This leads to him saying that he has finally figured out why he is driven to separate from me. He claims that in his unconscious mind, he didn't agree to get married. He recognizes that marrying me was fully his (conscious) choice, and that he's been very happy with that decision until recently, but that his unconscious mind is now rebelling and demanding to be taken seriously. He declares that this, indeed, is a legitimate reason to separate and get D. Great, so now he's given a name and reason to the separation and it brings him one step closer to decide to D. Of course, by now I am very emotional and say, "fine, than we should just do it." It seems to be over and I am devastated.

A bit later, we decide that we will continue trying to repair the marriage, but that we should take even more steps toward a formal separation. H decides to actually rent an apartment rather than sleeping sporadically at friends' houses. He says we need to take both steps to work on the marriage and to move away from the marriage at the same time. Not sure how this will work. I spent most of yesterday in bed, bereft, and most of this morning there as well. Although we have agreed to continue MC and try to repair the marriage, H's formal moving out and his reasoning that he has found a legitimate reason to D, seem to be further nails in the coffin.

So, now, H has left for the gym and I feel so much better when he's not around. Yesterday, I decided to attend an annual conference in New Orleans this weekend that I wasn't planning on attending before. 4 nights of vacation should help my sanity. Here is the lesson: when I was GALing and LRTing, we were becoming friendlier and my life was happier. I got desperate, emotional, and clingy, and now we are formally separating. I need to get it together.

I plan to get out of my bathrobe and cook today. I need to review my goals and plan which ones I will enact this week. Most of all, I need to go back to my formally successful management of my R and stop crying, clinging, and following him around the house. Geez Louise, get it together, Mimi. Thank for reading.

Mimi

[mimivac]

Ugh. I am having a really hard time getting myself together. Can't seem to get off the couch and GAL. I seem to be back at square one, with all of it's attendant bad feelings, despair, and anxiety. Maybe it's OK if veg out today and read/plan/meditate. A book I read about getting past a break-up calls this type of regression "recycling" and it's supposed to get less severe every time it happens. I sure hope so.

Mimi

[BklynMom]

The only advice I can offer is to change your time frame. Trust me I know its incrediably hard but these things take soooo sooo much time. Although you backslid a tiny bit durning the recent conversation you seem to have a handle on what you need to do.

Keep on doing stuff for yourself and be gentle on yourself when you spend the day in your bathrobe.

[purgatory]

Yes, recycling DOES happen.... But it WILL get easier everytime it comes around. Don't be too hard on yourself today. You are only human, and you can't be stoic everyday. Allow yourself to veg out and cope, even of that means sitting on your couch in your bathrobe all day.

When my H and I separated back in August, we had also said it was so we could work on the M. My H made a perfect analogy:
It's like trying to fix a car engine while driving down the highway- someone is going to get burned. But, of you stop and take a step back, you can fix things much easier.

Separating can sometimes be the best thing for a reconciliation, or so I've been told.

If you need some new reading material:
"This is Not the Story You Think it Is" by Laura Munson. She wrote about her WAH and how she got him back.
"Hope for the Separated" by Dr. Gary Chapman (same guy who wrote Love Languages.)

I've been reading both, and although not every detail applies to me, they are hopeful and encouraging.

Let yourself feel the sadness and pain today. Tomorrow is another day and you can get off the couch then

[mimivac]

The only advice I can offer is to change your time frame. Trust me I know its incrediably hard but these things take soooo sooo much time. Although you backslid a tiny bit durning the recent conversation you seem to have a handle on what you need to do.

Keep on doing stuff for yourself and be gentle on yourself when you spend the day in your bathrobe.

Yes, yes, yes, you are right. I need to slow down, as I've told myself before, but I always seem to jump the gun and expect immediate results. Thanks for the reminder.

Mimi

[mimivac]

Yes, recycling DOES happen.... But it WILL get easier everytime it comes around. Don't be too hard on yourself today. You are only human, and you can't be stoic everyday. Allow yourself to veg out and cope, even of that means sitting on your couch in your bathrobe all day.

When my H and I separated back in August, we had also said it was so we could work on the M. My H made a perfect analogy:
It's like trying to fix a car engine while driving down the highway- someone is going to get burned. But, of you stop and take a step back, you can fix things much easier.

Separating can sometimes be the best thing for a reconciliation, or so I've been told.

If you need some new reading material:
"This is Not the Story You Think it Is" by Laura Munson. She wrote about her WAH and how she got him back.
"Hope for the Separated" by Dr. Gary Chapman (same guy who wrote Love Languages.)

I've been reading both, and although not every detail applies to me, they are hopeful and encouraging.

Let yourself feel the sadness and pain today. Tomorrow is another day and you can get off the couch then

Thank you for that. I like your H's analogy very much, and I think my H would agree. I do hope that S ends up being good for our M. Thank you so much for the book recommendations! Books are my absolute salvation. I devour them, and I just finished one about how to live alone happily, so I'm looking for something else. I'm going to look up your recs as soon as I get off the computer. I do need something hopeful and encouraging right now. And I definitely have to get off the couch tomorrow because I'm going to work.

Ok, so maybe a nice glass of red wine and a downloaded book will be good for the rest of the evening. Thank you guys!

Mimi

[labug]

The sh!tty days will happen but they get further apart as time goes by. When I have them I just acknowledge that I feel sad, realize that I have reason to be sad and find something to do. Stuffing that causes me resentment, anger, etc.

I think H moving out saved my sanity. I know many here say "don't do it" but I would not have been able to emotionally detach.

[mimivac]

labug, I am with you on that. I am so much more stable and serene when my H is not around these days. I do believe him finding a more permanent place to live will help me a great deal.

I am reading one of purg's book recs right now, and it is really helping. Thank goodness for this board.

Mimi