Suddenly Separated in VA -- need your help

[mimivac]

Just wanted to add something about the relationship book H is reading. I know that asking the WAS to read a M book is considered pursuing and usually does not work and/or backfires. I totally agree with that. This book was recommended to us by our MC and I downloaded it on my ipad and read it right away. I did not suggest that H read it, but mentioned that I had read it and found it to be interesting. I did not go over the points in the book or say that I thought it would help our marriage, etc.

He then, unprompted, told me that he wanted to read it, so I ordered a hard copy without announcing that I would. When it arrived, I said that I had ordered the copy b/c mine was on my ipad and I also wanted a non-digital version. At this point he had moved out, but was at home getting more clothes. I casually put the book on my desk. When he left, I noticed that the book was gone, too. This weekend, he started to read it and discuss it with me. Again, I think that if I had been heavy-handed or insistent that he read this book, he would have resisted. If I had said nothing about it, it would not have been on his radar. I think there is a balance to hit with simply introducing something to the WAS without implying any kind of pressure at all. It's tricky though and I could see that there would be situations where any discussion of such a thing would be viewed as pressure by the WAS.

Mimi

__________________________________________
M:37; H:37; M: 10 years; T:13 years; no kids.
Bomb: 1/08/12
Separated: 1/18/12

[BFloat]

Mimi,

sounds like you are right on track! Now get out there and GAL! . Very positive that H read relationship book. I wish my H was more willing.

[mimivac]

Thanks, barely! I've already arranged to go to a museum exhibit and then lunch. I will try to make a day of it. Other than that, I have been downloading healthy recipes that sound delicious so I can get my health back on track. I also need to get some exercise in. Friends and I are taking a pilates class this weekend and then doing brunch in our Pjs, but I need to find something more consistent. There is a gym close to my house that I may try.

Also, I was just reading over the 37 rules of LRT and felt pretty good that I was doing well, except when I read the one about not following your H like a puppy dog around the house! This was (obviously) easier when H was out of the house, but he is staying with me for a few days and this weekend I found myself kind of hanging out where he was, doing nothing. As much as I kept telling myself, "stop lingering! Go do something!" I kept just walking around waiting for him to initiate something. Wrong!! Next time I will have to make a real schedule so I always have something to do. So, tonight I will go home, take a long bath, cook dinner, eat, watch my documentary from Netflix, and then fix myself a warm cup of milk and read in bed. If H wants to join me in any of these activities, he is welcome. If not, no problem!

Today, when he called me at work to talk about the relationship book, he sounded warm, like his old self. That was nice to hear.

Thanks again for your encouragement.

Mimi

__________________________________________
M:37; H:37; M: 10 years; T:13 years; no kids.
Bomb: 1/08/12
Separated: 1/18/12

[mimivac]

Well, things seem to be slowly getting better, although I am careful to note that H has not said anything about reconciliation yet. I am taking his lead, still doing LRT, but softening it a bit. When we are home together, I am usually the more talkative one, the one who starts the conversations. Now, I don't want to appear as if I am persuing, so I don't initiate as much, but if I say nothing I risk seeming as though I am giving him the silent treatment. So, I initiate a bit (light and breezy conversation topics). If he responds, I continue. If not, I pull back a bit. This seems to be creating a pretty good balance.

Last night, H read the relationship book some more. I went about my business, acting as though I didn't notice and asking him nothing about it. Before we went to bed, he wanted to have a long conversation about his patterns of behavior and said that he understood himself better now, and was beginning to untangle his need to run away from me and our marriage. I just listened and validated what he was saying, only offering my opinion when directly asked. I kept those opinions narrowly focused and tried not to get into the specifics of our sitch too much. We snuggled a bit in bed and then this morning, much to my surprise, he continued reading the book before work (this is a first, he always watches the news and never reads in the morning). I kept the conversation light this morning and he kissed me on the cheek the way he used to when we separated to take our respective trains.

Today we have MC and I hope things will continue to go well. I am a little wary of getting my hopes up too much, because H has a pattern of understanding something, but still not being able to change it. Plus, like I said, he has not indicated that he is ready to re-committ to the R. How do you balance recognizing positive steps with letting your guard down completely? I think I know that part of the answer lies in GAL. If you are GAL, then even if things do not pan out the way you envisioned, you will have your positive changes to see you through. How come I know that, but still seem to be having a hard time completely implementing it?

Hope everyone is doing well this morning!

Mimi

__________________________________________
M:37; H:37; M: 10 years; T:13 years; no kids.
Bomb: 1/08/12
Separated: 1/18/12

[mimivac]

Well, I royally messed up yesterday. I think I have indeed been overestimating how positive H feels about our R. Even though I have been trying to moderate my feelings, I thought that H was at least a bit closer to feeling that he wanted to commit fully to the road of reconciliation. Turns out the truth is quite a bit different.

Yesterday, during MC, H reiterated that his needs are not being met in the marriage and that he does not believe they ever will be. The MC said that he sounded like a depressed man who has given up. H also stated that things that he wanted for himself include writing again (we met in graduate school for writing), expanding his social network, advancing at work, and having his own place with his own aesthetic. He said that "most days" he thinks that he should be doing these things instead of staying married to me.

I was very angry when we left the office and said many things that I maybe shouldn't have. I was definitely not validating or practicing LRT. I told him that if he had already mapped out a life for himself elsewhere, then he should go live it. He told me that I was reacting out of anger and that we should talk about it later.

He came home a few hours later from work and we talked. I was basically ready to end it because it seemed to me that he had already made up his mind. He told me that he hadn't mapped out a life for himself and that he recognized that if left me, he would likely be very unhappy. But he also reiterated that he couldn't see us solving our problems. So, basically he is deciding whether to accept the problems and stay in the marriage, or leave and strike out on his own. He said he doesn't have any illusions that life outside of our marriage would be better, and that he doesn't have enough information to make a decision yet. He doesn't trust his gut instincts on this, either.

This morning, he left for a business trip so I have a few days breather. I know I desperately need to GAL and not have anymore showdowns like we did last night. Do I pick up LRT where I left off and aggressively GAL as well? How do I navigate this? A part of me wants to say, "if you are so hopeless that we can fix our problems, and if you are deciding whether you want to live an unhappy life with me, then leave." I mean, I definitely don't want to be with someone who considers me a less-than-adequate compromise. What to do??

Mimi
_________________________________________
M:37; H:37; M: 10 years; T:13 years; no kids.
Bomb: 1/08/12
Separated: 1/18/12

[adinva]

Hi Mimi - you have so many things going for you. Expect backslides and pick yourself back up and keep going on the track you know is right. You've been at this one month, you must be more patient. Expect that he will reiterate his decision when given a chance, like in MC, because that is how WAS's solidify their decision in their own mind. Try not to give him opportunities to do that.

You're lucky too because you seem to have a guy who gets some of this emotional stuff. It seems he's given you a pass on your outburst because he understood you were speaking out of anger. Be glad, and try to avoid doing that again. He also seems to understand that leaving you isn't the solution to all his problems. You're several steps ahead right there.

Keep using this opportunity to be the best you, someone attractive and engaging, so anyone would be a fool not to want to be with you...either H or someone else in the future. Go to those free cultural events! Take exceptional care of yourself, pamper yourself as much as possible and get good exercise and sleep.

I don't know how long this will take for you, but know that it could be a year or more, can you be that patient?

Your marriage has an opportunity now to become better than it ever was. If it doesn't, it will probably end. H is telling you some of the things that are his ideal life don't mesh with his marriage. Maybe through counseling you can start to bring those things together so marriage to you also means he fulfills his dreams. Be careful of too overtly trying to fix the problems he brings up because that is perceived as manipulation, that you're just trying to get him back. But show - don't tell - gradually, so that he realizes on his own that it can be a better marriage and a better life for him with you.

I hope these thoughts get you thinking on the right track. I don't have any really good answers but you have a lot of good material to work with in your situation, and your attitude so far sounds great.

[mimivac]

Ad, thank you so much for your response. I needed to hear that. You're right we have several positive things going for the R, and I shouldn't be so quick to assume the worst (or the best).

As I read other people's experiences, I realize how very impatient I am. I want answers NOW, but I need to understand that it takes TIME and not just a few weeks either. I need to relax into the marathon, rather than sprinting and then running out of steam.

Ad said, "Expect that he will reiterate his decision when given a chance, like in MC, because that is how WAS's solidify their decision in their own mind. Try not to give him opportunities to do that."
-- How do I avoid doing this? I know during our personal interactions I can avoid asking him for reassurances or whether he's made up his mind yet, etc., but what about during MC? I would like to direct the sessions more toward problem solving rather than going over all the reasons why H wants to leave the marriage. At the beginning of each session, the MC asks if there is any issue that we touched on the previous week that we want to expand upon. Maybe next time, I can bring up one of the direct, concrete problems that H has talked about and ask if we can brainstorm how to tackle that? Is this too soon or would it be considered too directive or manipulative on my part?

Ad said, "Take exceptional care of yourself, pamper yourself as much as possible and get good exercise and sleep."
-- You could not be more right. I have been neglecting myself through all of this. I have neglected a healthy diet (I am an excellent cook, but have been ordering take-out lately), exercising, wearing nice clothes, putting on make-up, etc. I walk around with a sallow face, wrinkled clothes, and tight pants. Ugh!! I need to take more pride in myself. If I don't, who will?

Ad said, "Maybe through counseling you can start to bring those things together so marriage to you also means he fulfills his dreams. Be careful of too overtly trying to fix the problems he brings up because that is perceived as manipulation, that you're just trying to get him back. But show - don't tell - gradually, so that he realizes on his own that it can be a better marriage and a better life for him with you."
-- This is really powerful. I guess this goes back to my earlier question about how to be solution oriented in MC without appearing to be manipulative or brushing H's feelings away. Maybe overtly bringing this up during MC would be more "telling" rather than "showing"? Do you have any insights on how to show H that he can live his dreams within the marriage? Do I just start living my dreams, so that H is inspired to do the same (within our R)? Can it be that indirect?

I was in a dark place before your reply. Feeling better now. Thank you again.

Mimi

[mimivac]

H just called to "check in" on me before his flight this afternoon. He wanted to see if I was OK after our talk last night. I was pleasant, said I was doing well and apologized for becoming angry. He said, "that's OK. It's going to happen." It was a positive interaction, and we joked around as usual, but I am not happy that he had to "check in" because of my behavior, crying, and anger. That must make him feel pressured and as though I am needy and delicate. Not exactly a person you would want to be running home to at the end of the day.

Oh well, time to dust myself off, begin healthy living and GAL.

Mimi

_________________________________________
M:37; H:37; M: 10 years; T:13 years; no kids.
Bomb: 1/08/12
Separated: 1/18/12

[mimivac]

Journaling here: Well, it was an interesting weekend. After H left for his business trip, I started writing down all my goals for myself in categories. Basically, things that I will do for my appearance, for my health, for my cultural enrichment, for my social enrichment, etc. I determined that I will have at least one activity with a friend or friends every week; I will have one free cultural activity a week, alone or with others (there are tons of free things to do in my city); and I get to do one paid event a month, like tickets to the theater, a play or a concert (really excited to get back into that). I will also look into taking French classes at a community college, the French embassy, various French institutions, etc.

H called and texted me every day from his trip. I did not initiate any contact and was friendly and light when he called. He kept saying, "is there anything you want to say?" Not sure what he was looking for, but I didn't take the bait. It's all on him to say things about R right now. It never works out well when I do, so I've learned from my mistakes. He got home on Saturday afternoon and I welcomed him home with a smile and he told me about his trip. Then I said I needed to get ready to go out to the movies and dinner with some girlfriends. He texted me a few times while I was out and I waited to answer. Nothing serious, just light conversational stuff.

Sunday morning, we woke up and he said, "you're an amazing person, aren't you?" Hmm, how do you answer that? LOL. I just smiled. Then I went to Pilates and brunch with some friends and H picked me up to go grocery shopping. Spent the rest of the day cooking healthy meals for the week, doing laundry, and straightening up the house (H cleaned, too). We ended the evening by watching the Grammys together on the couch.

I did very well all weekend not mentioning the R, getting on with my life, being nice to H and exerting no pressure whatsoever. I had no idea how long he was going to stay, if he was going to move out again on Sunday or what. Last night, he came to bed and I could tell he wanted to talk. He asked me what benefit I derived from us living apart. I gave him the answer that I had given him before, that being alone was peaceful and that it was sometimes nice to have my own space. He then said, "but you would rather have me not leave, right?" I said that if he had to go, he had to go. We left it at that and he snuggled with me all night.

Now, this kind of thing has happened before: H being really solicitous and nice and acting as though he wants to reconcile, only to blow up in my face when he declares later in therapy that he really does want to be alone. So, this time I am working really hard on detaching and actually GAL and having no expectations as to whether H will move out tonight or re-iterate his decision to separate in therapy this week. I already have plans for Valentine's day with a girlfriend and I am planning a trip to NYC in a few weeks. Although it is still not easy I feel better and more composed than I have since this thing started.

Mimi

_________________________________________
M:37; H:37; M: 10 years; T:13 years; no kids.
Bomb: 1/08/12
Separated: 1/18/12

[labug]

I like your activity goals. I need to be a little more planned in those activities and in searching them out.

Thanks for sharing.