Working on LRT to Something else???

[InAPickle]

Ces, it might appear to you that she's rubbing your face in it,
But you cannot really know that for sure. For your own emotional health, try not to let it get under your skin.

My XW went to visit OM once back in the early days of the sitch and came back with a team shirt from a game they went to, even brought one home for S13. It would bother me at first when she wore it, but I just ignored it and didnt react. Now I rarely if ever see that shirt and S13 never wears his.

The point I am trying to make is the irritation may be all over nothing. She may or may not realize if certain things bother you. Who cares? This is all part of detaching and it's for your own good. Not only will you begin to feel less pain, you will gain confidence and peace of soul, and that will make you look more attractive too.

Hang in there man; this sh!t doesn't go on forever.

[ces67]

Rick Said: Initial L consults are usually free?

Unfortunately, I've not found one of those around where I live. The hourly rate seems to apply to the initial meeting for the few I've check out.

IAP Said: The point I am trying to make is the irritation may be all over nothing. She may or may not realize if certain things bother you. Who cares? This is all part of detaching and it's for your own good. Not only will you begin to feel less pain, you will gain confidence and peace of soul, and that will make you look more attractive too

And its a good point. I think my approach to not mention it at all or react is actually paying off. I saw the same "cycle" today that I have referenced before. This is the cycle where my W will be rude for a few days and then turn around and do or say something nice.

She called me today and told me she didn't know why but it didn't dawn on her last night when I said "good night" that I would be gone for a week. So she was calling to tell me to drive safe and have a good visit with my family. She also asked that I let her know when I got into my nephews tonight so she would know I made it Ok.

So regardless of how she acts, I will continue to detach and work on being who I choose to be.

[ces67]

Made it up north and even got a little snow. Wonderful reminder of why I moved south!

Journal stuff:

Good trip. Was able to visit with 2 nephews who are in college. One even let me stay at his house. Standard college house shared by 5 guys. I opted to not take a shower there and just wanted until I got to my parent's house.

Spent an hour Tuesday morning having coffee with a college buddy. He's one of those friends you can just pick up with after long periods of time. He lost his W to ALS this past summer. We share similar struggles for different reasons.

Yesterday was W's b-day. She went to lunch with a friend. Then D got sick at school so they spent the rest of the day at home. Got a txt from W thanking me for the present. I didn't directly get her anything. We've not exchanged gifts for a year now. But I fund what the kids want to get. My D knows her mom very well and picked out a silver ring my W had been talking to others about.

I was surprised she thanked me. Replied that she was welcomed and that our D had picked it out.

I sent txt to W this morning asking if D was feeling better. She actually called back. D stayed home again and W had had a conference with one of D's teachers. Standard stuff, no issues. The nice part was that she called to tell me about it.

I am feeling good about not brining up the pick of OM. In other situations I would have felt anxiety because I wasn't dealing with something. This time, I feel that I am rising above something that doesn't warrant my attention and it feels pretty good.

More family time tonight with parents & siblings which is very nice.

[ces67]

Journal entry:

Very thankful I was able to take the week off to be with my parents. Mom is holding up pretty well after her appointment and she was very grateful all her kids were there with her (I'm the only one that's not in the same town).

Continue to talk with W and kids each day and keep W up to date on the happenings here. W even offered some questions to ask the doctor regaarding Mom's cancer.

Yesterday, I had breakfast with a friend from here. W and I use to do a LOT with him & his W. Our Ws were actually best of friends. Since my W's changes they have grown apart. I know very little of why and most is through my friend the H.

My friend is good to ask about us but his advice is typical stuff like I've been too kind, I need to lay down the law with W and that he wouldn't have offered the patience I have to W. Needless to say, I don't share a lot with this guy, but I do know he cares.

Did say that even though we are not working actively on our marriage, there are positive signs and I shared a few items from when I started this post.

Well, this guy decides to write W a note saying he was praying for her and our marriage. It was meant to be nice but W got very upset by it. Wanted to know what we talked about and why this guy would reach out when "they have written her out of their lives..."

I stayed calm. I told her I was with my parents but we could talk later. I then turned the conversation to my son's basketball game and what my parents were doing for the kid's valentines. This was my "as if" 180.

Thanks to DB/DR, it dawned on me that W's relationship with these people is not my problem and I have honestly not been part of what drove them apart. I started to question what I had told my friend but honestly, I have the right to talk about what goes on in my life and I did not bad-mouth my W. I did explain the honest situation but that was it. Honestly, my friend did most of the talking as he and his W are both losing their jobs due to gov't cut backs (both in the defense contrating world).

I also realizied I started to go into "fix it" mode and contacted my friend. Just said I knew his intentions were good but to check with me before sending things as they can sometimes cause more stress in our relationship. Of course, I then realized this was stepping into managing her relationships as well. Geesh, this stuff gets ingrained sometimes. Oh well. I can't change what I did. I'll learn as I go but I'm tired of beating myself up. Its done me no good.

I also called W again a little later while I was in the store to confirm the candy the kids like for my parents. The conversation was normal and civil.

I drive home tomorrow. As far as Valentines go, I don't think I'll even get W a card this year. Seems pointless.

Its been a good visit. My brother & sister make me laugh like no one else. Even got a few games of scrabble in with my pop. (he likes to make up words...)

Never know how life with be with W but whatever happens, I'll deal with it when I get there. W's friend, the one she works for, is coming in the week of the 20th. Need to mentally prepare myself for that one. I've never spent much time around this lady so should be interesting. She's nice enough and I'm trying not to think of what all my W has said to her about our issues.

Off to enjoy the last evening with my family for a while.

[purgatory]

Good for you- not bad mouthing your W to the mutual friend. I have shared my sitch with a few friends... never more than just telling the truth... but H still thinks that I'm telling everyone what a horrible person he is. My thought is: "well, if telling the truth paints you in a bad light- that's not my fault."

I know you didn't like playing damage control with the note that was sent to your W- but like you said, she's now responsible for her relationships with other people. It's funny how things we used to do out of respect and 'having each other's backs' for our S, are no longer our job- and can be seen as a bad thing from the WAS.

Really sorry your mom is having to go through this- it's great that you can be with her and your family to support each other. Enjoy some fun times with your siblings!!

[labug]

Great job, ces!

One friend of mine kept telling me my H was going to think D was a breeze because I was going too easy on everything. Well, D hasn't been filed. I see no reason to do things out of anger just because that's the way most people handle this sitch.

I don't see her much anymore.

[ces67]

Back home. The reception was typical. W said "hi" without really looking at me. Son gave me a hug as he was running around with a buddy and D9 was busy watching a movie with W so she barely acknowledged me when I hugged her.

But I'm ok. I had no expectations of W coming home (except maybe bad stuff so it wasn't hard to deal with what I got). As far as D9 goes, I think this is really harder for her than we know and this is how she's having to deal with it. I know not to pressure her or make a big deal of anything. Later on she came and sat next to me as we watched some of the grammy's.

W had been busy while I was gone. I had suggested we set aside some money from tax return to finish painting the house. Well, she took it to heart and bought a few color samples and had painted them in 3 different rooms. We talked some about the colors and I encouraged her choices and let her know which ones I liked. She also hung the valences in our bonus room and D9's closet (traded a closet door for a sheer curtain and hanging beads...very cool stuff for our D9).

Later in the evening I addressed the issue with our friend contacting her. She had asked what we had talked about that would prompt this guy to contact her. I told her I said the following:

No change in our marriage and we are not really working on it right now.
We function ok with the kids
W is active in organizing and decorating the house
W has asked to visit other churches

And I left it at that. W tried to act as if it didn't matter but she's really hurting. She feels her friend and her H who I had breakfast with, have written her out of their lives. In a way, they have but not because they don't love her but because of how W has treated her friend. Unfortunately W can't see this. I ended the conversation by saying that her friend really did miss her. W said she didn't believe it. W is seeing life though a lense of misery and anger, but that is her issue to deal with.

The H of the couple mentioned that my W had actually sent a letter to her friend recently but after reading it he said it was very sad because she showed no accountability for how she is acting or treating them. Its very sad to see how W's relationships are changing and she's losing the ones that were close to her and narrowing in on the couple friends from back in our last home whom she came to know just in the year before the move.

I really want to help somehow but have no idea how to do that or even if I should. Most likely she has to deal with her own relationships and the consequences of how she handles them. I hurt for her but this isn't mine to fix.

For me, I keep going back to the quote from MLK, Jr.

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."

This is my best chance to support my W and also move to being the best person I can be.

On another positive note. I've been praying that my W would have some positive friendships enter her life. The friend who helped with the paint is the lady who sparked W to visit their church. This lady & her husband also host a home bible study group for their church. I'm hoping that this is an answer to prayer and that she will be a positive influence for W. But again, long, slow road...

[labug]

I really want to help somehow but have no idea how to do that or even if I should. Most likely she has to deal with her own relationships and the consequences of how she handles them. I hurt for her but this isn't mine to fix.

Asked and answered, by YOU! Great job.

[ces67]

Thanks lb, its a constant thing to remind myself. It really is retraining my brain how to think and respond. Tough stuff but kind of cool at the same time...

journal stuff,

No realy drama since coming home. Yeah. That also means our "marriage limbo" continues. Feels like we've been in a holding pattern for too long and we need some type of catalyst to move us along. Gotta admit, when I think about it, it worries me what that catalyst might be. So back to brain-training and not thinking about it.

Little success item...S13 had a b-ball game last night. We all went and watched. D9 sat between me and W and actually leaned her head on me most of the time and played games with my phone. I was very thankful to see her comfortable to show attention towards me with W around. That doesn't happen a lot so I just filed it away mentally as a something to be thankful for.

W called this me this morning after I got to work. A guy is coming to the house today to check our roof. She asked me if I had any concerns that she needed to bring up. Amazing that she asked my opinion. I mentioned a couple things and thanked her for taking care of it.

Feel like there is very little to update as there is very little change in the sitch. We function on daily stuff, speak when necessary and don't talk about our M. I continue to struggle between being patient and looking for that catalyst I mentioned before.

Kids wanted to make V-Day cards for us so I didn't have to take them to the store. Also, did not get W a card or anything. I don't expect one either. I think we'll just let this day roll by like the rest.

Other stuff. My mom starts chemo today. Great way to spend V-day, eh? Already spoke with her this morning than txted my brother to thank him for being there (I have an AWESOME big brother). Will have the kids call her tonight to check on her and thank them for the V-day stuff she sent them.

[labug]

ces, remind me what you're doing for yourself.

What helps make ces feel like ces?