I get it! As in what I stated immediately before that exclamation - "After reading the book, I finally started to recognize some of the things that my W had been dealing with, with me, with the kids, with life in general..."
I guess what I am saying is that the book sort of helped me to see from my W's perspective what I had been viewing from my own selfish perspective. It added a layer of texture that helps me better understand what my W is dealing with. And if that enhanced perspective helps me to better understand why my W needed her space and our separation and also what I need to work on, then I view that as a positive.
So for example, the book talks about the authors struggle with always being there for everyone else (H, kids, friends, etc.) but not spending time focusing on herself, her needs or her growth. It also talks about sacrifices she made in her life and how she needed the time away to find her true self.
All of those things ^^^^ are true of my W. And while I can and did say "I'm sorry" or "I'll change", etc., by actually acknowledging that "I get it" I think gives my W space for her to not be so guilt ridden about her decisions while she continues to work through her issues.
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
Okay, so even though you went against Sandi's rules ..
1 - Only did this in the weeks immediately following the bomb (early September 2011) 3 - Uh well..... have had the DR/DB books for months and never shared them but if "a year by the sea" is considered a M book then I guess I'm guilty. Does it count if the book was located in the travel section of the bookstore? 5 - I have had no discussion about our future since before I moved out back in November 8 - Guilty! But I got the book at a 1/2 price book store. Does that count or am I just cheap? 17 - Working on that.... 24 - God that is so flippin hard! We're approaching 6 months since the bomb and 3 months since I moved out. I know it is true but so damn hard! and possibly...34 - I never did this. However, she did tell me early on that she had noticed my changes and was pissed that it took the bomb for me to wake up.
??????
I know I'm being a little flip here but only to keep myself sane. I think I'm doing a lot of things right in terms of my DB'ng and some things still require some work, (i.e. not fully detaching, occasional pursuit, etc.).
As we have covered in earlier posts, my control tendencies are still a work in progress. And sometimes they surface in ways that I don't even realize but which you and CAT have pointed out.
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
Okay, so even though you went against Sandi's rules ..
1 - Only did this in the weeks immediately following the bomb (early September 2011) 3 - Uh well..... have had the DR/DB books for months and never shared them but if "a year by the sea" is considered a M book then I guess I'm guilty. Does it count if the book was located in the travel section of the bookstore? 5 - I have had no discussion about our future since before I moved out back in November 8 - Guilty! But I got the book at a 1/2 price book store. Does that count or am I just cheap? 17 - Working on that.... 24 - God that is so flippin hard! We're approaching 6 months since the bomb and 3 months since I moved out. I know it is true but so damn hard! and possibly...34 - I never did this. However, she did tell me early on that she had noticed my changes and was pissed that it took the bomb for me to wake up.
??????
1- Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore!
You were trying to point out something other than her way right now.
3-Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books
What part of that, wasn't a marriage book ? That led to what YOU want ?
And No..
5-Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
An encouraging book about a SIMILAR situation , that worked out (in the future) with the same result that you have stated YOU want...
8-Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points".
Nuff said.....
17-You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
I missed the part where it said to TELL them....was that in there ? Did I just miss that ???
24-Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
Sorry, I missed the BUT in that...you are the exception then...
34-Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
We all make mistakes. Please do not beat yourself over it. It's hard when you feel your heart is in the right place.. it's hard when DBing goes against the grain of our very soul sometimes.
What to do you ask?
Let go... truly.
Two little words - yet the most difficult thing that will be ever be asked of you.
You CANNOT fix this. Even if you are coming from a loving place - it is your w's journey. It's up to her to do the work.
What's the saying - if you give a man a fish - you feed him for a day. If you teach a man to fish - you feed him for a lifetime.
Teach her how to fish. That doesn't mean fix it. That means support her but let her put in the leg work.
If/When - she expresses fear - validate.
If/When - she does something that shows growth - applaud loudly.
If/When - she messes up - don't rub her face in it.
Love her for exactly where she is now, not who she was or who she might be.
Accept her for who she is now. That does not mean being a doormat. It just means to not punish her for not meeting YOUR expectations.
If you can learn to truly do those things, you will do EXACTLY what your heart wants.
You will support her.
It will then be in her ball court to accept it and take it from there.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
I think she explained very well what you should take a look at.
I would say it in a lot less words. You need to work on detaching from the situation at hand.
I think that working of specific areas has left you very defensive, and argumentative. THAT rings a bell with me and others around you.
I think you should take a look at why you become that way. And really think about HOW you are that way, and how being that way affected things in your marriage.
I think that we have addressed control enough to know that that is a problem area for you. The thing now is find out the "whys' of your issues.
That may be too deep for now though. You are getting to the point where you may be able to face yourself, although the defensiveness has to go first.
I think that putting that focus on you healing, and changing behavior patterns will take the focus off of your wife, and that HAS to happen before you can take a step forward.
2, this is HARD stuff man...
I see where you are, and although they aren't your shoes, they were pretty damned similar. ( mine didn't have the pink stripe )
We all make mistakes. Please do not beat yourself over it. It's hard when you feel your heart is in the right place.. it's hard when DBing goes against the grain of our very soul sometimes.
What to do you ask?
Let go... truly.
Two little words - yet the most difficult thing that will be ever be asked of you.
You CANNOT fix this. Even if you are coming from a loving place - it is your w's journey. It's up to her to do the work.
What's the saying - if you give a man a fish - you feed him for a day. If you teach a man to fish - you feed him for a lifetime.
Teach her how to fish. That doesn't mean fix it. That means support her but let her put in the leg work.
If/When - she expresses fear - validate.
If/When - she does something that shows growth - applaud loudly.
If/When - she messes up - don't rub her face in it.
Love her for exactly where she is now, not who she was or who she might be.
Accept her for who she is now. That does not mean being a doormat. It just means to not punish her for not meeting YOUR expectations.
If you can learn to truly do those things, you will do EXACTLY what your heart wants.
You will support her.
It will then be in her ball court to accept it and take it from there.
