No comment about the book. She read the front and back cover after I handed it to her. She placed it on the stairway banister on Wednesday where it sits today.
By some of the comments here, I'm starting to think I should just take the book back. I don't want to appear manipulative or controlling and that certainly was not my intention. I thought she'd enjoy the book and relate to the story. Ugh!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
I personally didnt think that giving her the book was controlling but I do think WAS would not like any book suggestions their LBS has for them. The WAS will probably say the couldnt relate to their own diary if the LBS gave it to them.
At this point however, you gave her the book - dont take it back, just leave it on the stairs and let her do whatever she wants with it.
((()))
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
It won't be any one event that will "show" her.. it will be a solid consistency of actions over an extended period of time. And even then - she may not see it.
Just Do It. Because it's the right thing to do...for you. And have zero expectations.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
A while back I got my W a book on personal boundaries that our MC had recommended to us both. I read it and thought it had some good points for both of us.
When I gave her her copy, she took it and it has sat on a stack untouched ever since. That was back in September or October.
I agree with BM - the fact that its from you makes worth ignoring to a WAS....But let it go. You did what you wanted to for a good reason. Don't get discouraged by your W reactions. just learn from it and try different things.
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
I personally didnt think that giving her the book was controlling but I do think WAS would not like any book suggestions their LBS has for them. The WAS will probably say the couldnt relate to their own diary if the LBS gave it to them.
At this point however, you gave her the book - dont take it back, just leave it on the stairs and let her do whatever she wants with it.
((()))
2point - I agree with Brklyn and its from experience. My W and I have always traded books off. Once ther bomb dropped she "hated with a passion" any book I gave her, and they weren't even relationship books. I did however, try to share the 5 Love Languages with her. She was too busy with the 500 Hate Languages at the time.
Everything I described in the comment block that you responded to is true and accurate. I know this because my W has said as much AND she has been in T for quite awhile to address some of these very things.
I am glad that your W is taking steps to try to figure herself out.
Originally Posted By: 2
I gave her a book that I read first, that I thought she could relate to and I ran it by a T before doing so. And it was also recommended by one of the vets on this forum.
I am still wondering about the therapist. I can not see why she would have said it was a good idea considering the situation. Pursuit is never good with someone who is trying to push us away.
Ok, when 25 recommended the book, it was to give us, the LBS, an insight into what may be going on with our WAS. NOT to give it to the WAS to try to show them anything.
Originally Posted By: 2
Originally Posted By: Cat
"She is a grown up, whether you like it or not, whether you treat her like one or not.
Your behavior, while you may not mean it to, reeks of control and manipulation.
Why do you keep doing things to sabotage yourself?"
Where do you see that I don't view my W as grown up?
I read about your interactions regarding your S's injury. While I understand that you were concerned for your child (my own S sprained his ankle last night), your W is his mother and she knows how to take care of her child just as well as you do. She doesn't need reminders regarding medication.
Giving her the book, is manipulative because you had a hope that she would see some of herself reflected in it and you had hope that she would then take a look at herself.
You didn't go as far as saying you hoped it would make her realize that she is making a mistake, that is the message that she more than likely heard when she read the cover.
And believe me, she may not be reading the book, but I bet she glanced at the content.
I realize that some people did not see this move as controlling.
Manipulation is a form of control.
Right now, anything that you do that suggests to your W that you think she is wrong, making mistakes, or disagree with her actions, even when you think you are being a positive, helpful influence, is gonna bite you in the butt...
There are reasons that going dim or dark is suggested. There are reasons you are told to detach. There are reasons that you are told to GAL and focus on yourself.
Understand that you are not going to talk your way out of something that you acted your way into.
Become mindful of yourself and your thoughts and behaviors.
It really does help.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
CAT - thanks for the continued dialogue. It is forcing me to think through the events of the past few days as well as my future actions.
"Giving her the book, is manipulative because you had a hope that she would see some of herself reflected in it and you had hope that she would then take a look at herself."
I really have to disagree on this particular point. After reading the book, I finally started to recognize some of the things that my W had been dealing with, with me, with the kids, with life in general and really the only message I wanted to send my W via the book was that "I get it!"
"You didn't go as far as saying you hoped it would make her realize that she is making a mistake, that is the message that she more than likely heard when she read the cover."
Well, again that was not my intent. I guess I can only hope she doesn't view it that way.
"Right now, anything that you do that suggests to your W that you think she is wrong, making mistakes, or disagree with her actions, even when you think you are being a positive, helpful influence, is gonna bite you in the butt...
There are reasons that going dim or dark is suggested. There are reasons you are told to detach. There are reasons that you are told to GAL and focus on yourself.
Understand that you are not going to talk your way out of something that you acted your way into.
Become mindful of yourself and your thoughts and behaviors.
It really does help."
These ^^^^ are all excellent reminders!! Thanks for the input!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
