Dark Shadows & Light at the End of the Tunnel?

[Valeska19]

2,
Was this the book that the W returns to her H?

Why did you give it to her?

Did you give it to her because you are truly understanding and supporting her decision?

Or because of the happy ending at the end?

Obviously if she was upset you gave her anything, be prepared that she gets upset by the book.

IMO - there is a very real chance that she will see this as pursuit. (I do and I'm not a WAS).

Becareful 2 - Understand that although these acts MAY have good intentions, it may push your w away more at this stage of the game.

[2thepoint]

Hey Val - Thanks for posting on my thread!

2,
Was this the book that the W returns to her H?

Yes, but that was not the primary focus of the book.

Why did you give it to her?

I felt like the book really captured the essence of where my W is emotionally. The setting is precisely where my W would feel most at home. The search for her true self is exactly what my W is in the midst of. The main character is around the age of 50, same as my W. She is going through menopause, just like my W. She has felt like she has been living life for everyone but herself, just like my W. Basically, I see my W in just about every aspect of the story.

Did you give it to her because you are truly understanding and supporting her decision?

Yes and no. I understand and accept her decision. I don't necessarily support it. How could I?

However, I really felt like my W could relate to what the main character in the story was going through. And my thinking was perhaps she could see some of herself in those pages and maybe begin to think about what she is really missing in life, (not so much me, but other joys in life i.e. friends, experiences, etc.)

Or because of the happy ending at the end?

I did not give it to her because the couple reconcile at the end of the book. In fact, the happy ending, was really not so happy. She was feeling quite a bit of trepidation and at the end of the story it is not at all clear that they would make it. There is a follow up story that I think addresses the struggle she endured after they got back together.

Obviously if she was upset you gave her anything, be prepared that she gets upset by the book.

IMO - there is a very real chance that she will see this as pursuit. (I do and I'm not a WAS).

I see your point here and you may be correct. I had the same concerns and mentioned this to a friend of mine who is a licensed therapist and she thought giving it to my W was a good idea.

I've been working very hard to avoid any pursuit. It does slip out occasionally but it is not overt and occurs infrequently.

Be careful 2 - Understand that although these acts MAY have good intentions, it may push your w away more at this stage of the game.

I appreciate the admonition. I don't want to push her away. I just want to show her that I "get her and where she is" at present. I think she believed at the time of the bomb that I didn't get her nor did I care.

To demonstrate how far I think I've come, my W was planning a French Martini Friday with a few GF's at our house tonight. When I got back from my trip to AZ I noticed the house was a wreck and knew that W was going to have to scramble to get the house in order in time for her guests.

The old me would have offered to help her clean the house, (and don't think I didn't consider it, even as late as this morning!). But I held my tongue and let my W fend for herself.

Guess what? She didn't have time to clean the house and had to modify her plans and I did nothing to rescue her. That is a huge level of restraint for me. Especially since I think her getting together with friends would be good for her and her self esteem. But I can't continue to rescue her and so did not.

Thanks again for your post, Val. I'm open to any other feedback you have for me.

[Valeska19]

I guess maybe the word "support" was not the right word...

...but for me, I felt/feel like I did support my wife's decision. When she asked me to give her space, I did. When she spewed venom, I refused to retaliate.

Was that acceptance or support? I don't know.

I'm not saying giving the book was wrong - just wanted you to look at your motives. At the end of the day - we make the best decisions we can from them.

It won't be any one event that will "show" her.. it will be a solid consistency of actions over an extended period of time. And even then - she may not see it.

But if she doesn't see it - that shouldn't matter enough to change your actions. In fact, it prolly shouldn't matter at all.

[cat04]

Why did you give it to her?

I felt like the book really captured the essence of where my W is emotionally. The setting is precisely where my W would feel most at home. The search for her true self is exactly what my W is in the midst of. The main character is around the age of 50, same as my W. She is going through menopause, just like my W. She has felt like she has been living life for everyone but herself, just like my W. Basically, I see my W in just about every aspect of the story.

Just because this is how YOU see your W, that does not mean that is where she is.

Yes and no. I understand and accept her decision. I don't necessarily support it. How could I?

However, I really felt like my W could relate to what the main character in the story was going through. And my thinking was perhaps she could see some of herself in those pages and maybe begin to think about what she is really missing in life, (not so much me, but other joys in life i.e. friends, experiences, etc.)

Do you really understand and accept her decision?

It doesn't seem like it, since you seem to be trying to show her how wrong she is. Trying to "wake her up" to herself, to rescue her from herself...

If you really get where your W is at this point in time, you need to show her by allowing her to be the adult that she is.

By allowing her to make her own choices, have her own triumphs, and make her own mistakes.

She is a grown up, whether you like it or not, whether you treat her like one or not.

Your behavior, while you may not mean it to, reeks of control and manipulation.

Why do you keep doing things to sabotage yourself?

Mach1 pointed out this type of behavior to you just the other day.

I simply do not understand.

Do you want to save your M or not?

[2thepoint]

I guess maybe the word "support" was not the right word...

...but for me, I felt/feel like I did support my wife's decision. When she asked me to give her space, I did. When she spewed venom, I refused to retaliate.

I did the same for my W. She asked me to give her space as in move out, even though she was having an A, and I did. I spend very little time with her. Any time with or near her is only when it involves the kids. And like you, when my W was making wild claims that had no foundation in reality, I listened and did not fight back. Maybe I should have. Maybe she needed to see some backbone from me. Who knows?

Was that acceptance or support? I don't know.

I'm not saying giving the book was wrong - just wanted you to look at your motives. At the end of the day - we make the best decisions we can from them.

OK, I get this. My motive was nothing more than to help her see that she is not alone in her thinking. I thought she'd relate well to the book.

It was done out of love and compassion. Nothing more. Some might view it as pursuit, and maybe it was. but it was not intended to be.

It won't be any one event that will "show" her.. it will be a solid consistency of actions over an extended period of time. And even then - she may not see it.

By "show" her, what do you mean? That I'm a new man?

But if she doesn't see it - that shouldn't matter enough to change your actions. In fact, it prolly shouldn't matter at all.

My changes, if that is what you mean by "actions", are for me first and foremost. They will certainly benefit my W and our M if there is ever to be a future for us. But I'm not making my changes for the sake of the M. They will be a side benefit if we ever get back together.

[rickb89]

"A year By the Sea."

Hey. I'm reading this too. It speaks to me because it's at Cape Cod. I live nearby.

The book is an easy read. I'm almost done. It has helped me to understand W somewhat although not a perfect sitch match but helpful nonetheless. Plus, the story is good in and of itself.

Funny, I first starting reading it looking to the woman character for comparison's to my W, but as I get to it's end I'm starting to see myself as more of the woman character in my sitch. I'm not sure 25 was thinking that when she recommended it to me.

[rickb89]

Learned something I found to be very interesting tonight. My W has a friend who I have mentioned in previous posts who has 2 children and is divorced within the last year or so.

Shortly after her D she was engaged to another man, had planned a wedding and then abruptly called off the wedding. Then a few months later, she was living with and engaged to yet a different man.

Well today I learned that she broke up with that person and...wait for it.... got remarried to her original husband and father of her children!!

I bring this up because this friend is the very person who my W had modeled her "escape" from our M after. Early in our sitch my W made the comment about how we could just send in the D paperwork and things would go very smoothly and we could sell the house and each buy a house in the same neighborhood so we could share the kids, etc. BARF!!

So now my wife has vowed that her hermit days are over and her Friday french martini nights will be spent with that very friend who just remarried her Ex.

Makes me wonder what her plans look like now.

2 - that's so nuts!!!! If that can happen, maybe our M's aren't so far off from a poss R?

[rickb89]

Hey 2. I hope what I am about to say does not offend you. It is not my intention. First let me tell you that in the last few weeks something has happened to my thinking. I like everyone else have been focused on my WAS and her every move. But I started looking at me more carefully. Still was not clear of what was happening within me. But this week I think I got it. I think it was after the smack down I got at the beginning of the week by some wonderful people that I am very grateful for. I am no longer obssessed with her. I think less and less about her. So I feel much better and happier. Truthfully, the future is starting to look bright again.I am almost excited.

If you ask me I will said that I have 0% chance of saving my M. But I think I'm ok with it now. Things might change later on but who knows.

I don't think things will improve for you if you continue to obssess over your W and day dream about what ifs... I think you would do better if you focus on the changes you need to make. You need to prepare yourself mentally for the worse but hope for the best. Let her go. Hang in there

Rick1963 from Rickb89 - did Mach have a hand in that? I just got a similar bitchslap!

[2thepoint]

Cat, thanks for posting to my thread. I'm confused by some of your comments.

"Just because this is how YOU see your W, that does not mean that is where she is."

Everything I described in the comment block that you responded to is true and accurate. I know this because my W has said as much AND she has been in T for quite awhile to address some of these very things.

"Do you really understand and accept her decision?

It doesn't seem like it, since you seem to be trying to show her how wrong she is. Trying to "wake her up" to herself, to rescue her from herself..."

I don't see how I am trying to show her how wrong she is. I gave her a book that I read first, that I thought she could relate to and I ran it by a T before doing so. And it was also recommended by one of the vets on this forum.

"If you really get where your W is at this point in time, you need to show her by allowing her to be the adult that she is.

By allowing her to make her own choices, have her own triumphs, and make her own mistakes."

I agree with this ^^^^

"She is a grown up, whether you like it or not, whether you treat her like one or not.

Your behavior, while you may not mean it to, reeks of control and manipulation.

Why do you keep doing things to sabotage yourself?"

Where do you see that I don't view my W as grown up? I don't think I have ever implied that she wasn't and I don't think my actions are such to suggest that she is noting other than a mature adult woman.

Do I want to save my M? Hell yes! Have I made mistakes in the process. Yes. Am trying to avoid mistakes? Yes. I certainly don't want to sabotage myself. So please help me out here.

[sayitaintso]

Has your W made any comment to you about the book?