Congratulations, Endeavour. that was a wonderful post full of knowledge and understanding. I am happy that you were able to save your marriage. And while your H says he would have been willing to go to Retrouvaille before the crisis, I wonder.
Thank you, Lotus. You were the one who first suggested Retrouvaille to me and I'm grateful.
Actually, I do believe he would have been open earlier because I was skeptical too but he did remind me that I gave him the ILYBINILWY speech first (years ago), and I refused to go to counselling when he suggested it so you never know.
You didn't want anything funny boiling on your stove.
Oh dear jb, how I remember you making me laugh so many times when I really needed to laugh!
And yes, ex-ow is clearly a bunny boiling, fatal attraction extra special kind of wingnut. Truthfully, I'm still a little concerned. She's clearly mentally unstable and has the maturity of a 13 year old girl. And that's an insult to 13 year old girls. At least it adds some interest to my sitch. Although, lc4 and the shopping cart incident is still my favorite bunny boiling ex-ow stunt.
It is so good to hear some positive news from someone on this MB. Honestly, that is why I left for a while- sometimes it was overwhelming to see and feel all the pain. Your post is the shot in the arm I'm sure many people here needed.
I recently changed my screen name; I directed an acquaintance who got a bomb drop to DB, and I do like to keep up some anonymity in case they end up on the boards. However, there have been several times I've wished I could connect with my DB friends in the alt. I don't have a FB account, but have found some DB folks on FB through my kids' accounts (I'm a pretty good detective! .). You are certainly one I'd love to get in touch with some day, as our sitches have had many similarities.
Hello lc! So nice to hear from you too. I have been peeking at your thread in piecing from time to time and did notice the name change. I'm sorry to hear your friend has found herself needing the board but it's the best place to be if you've received the dreaded bomb. I wish her well. She's lucky to have you in her corner.
As for the alt, yes I am on there but I'm locked down pretty tightly right now thanks to you know who. I'm actually very easy to find online for reasons that would be obvious if you knew more about me, but that would require me to give out too many personal details on the board and I don't want just anyone finding me. I stopped posting for a long time because it was clear ow was following me online (long story). I doubt she would have been able to find me here but I didn't want to take any chances. Anyway, if you have any ideas on how I can find you on the alt or somewhere else, let me know.
I have told my H all about you and when ex-ow was in the midst of her nuttiness, I did share the shopping cart incident with him. That's when he thought that perhaps we needed to get all legal on before something worse happened.
Originally Posted By: ncl
As for me, I haven't had any more "run-ins" (literally, if you recall my husband's ex-ow trying to run me over with a grocery cart!!!), and we continue to fall into our "new normal" more comfortably as time goes on. Piecing IS a tough road; I think so many of us want to believe that if the WAS will just come back, it will be "happily ever after." Not so, and I'm so very grateful I learned to really DB, as it will forever help me in my relationship with my husband and others. Truly, MWD could take the DB principles and expand them to many other relationships (with bosses/co-workers, family members, friends, etc). Hey, now there's an idea, MWD!
I'm so glad there haven't been any more incidents for you with the in your sitch. I did think of you often when the I'm dealing with began her fun.
Oh, and do I hear you! Piecing is not easy. When ex-ow was acting like a fool, it triggered me a lot and H and I had more than one argument. It's different now though because we both are committed to not going down the path we went before where we'd stop speaking for days. (That was his thing and eventually out of frustration, I just played along). Now, stonewalling is not an option and we are able to step back, calm down, apologize and discuss things more rationally. The tools we learned at Retrouvaille as well as those DB'ing rules still come in very handy.
Anyway, I am very glad to hear that things are getting better and better with you and your H. You are a very positive, funny, charming and inspiring person and I have no doubt I'd like you in real life too.
Originally Posted By: ncl
It's easy to think "oh, if we had just done this or that in our past, the A never would have happened," but I believe ALL things (the good, bad and ugly) work together for the good of those who love God (Romans 8:28), and perhaps the hard things that happen lead us to be the very best people HE knows we can be. I'm so glad that your daughter is coming back around in her relationship with her father; look what a wonderful example you are to her of what true forgiveness is!
Yes, you are probably right and deep down, I think I know that without the A, H wouldn't have dropped the bomb and I'd probably still be unhappy and still planning on D'ing H when the kids were older. Who knows, I might have even had an A myself someday. I'm not sure I actually would have, but it crossed my mind more than once. Although, not just anyone like H. That still bothers me. That the first "attractive enough" woman that gave him some attention...and if he was single he would have never picked ow because he would have had more of a selection. At least he knows how horrible he sounds.
I almost wish I didn't know...
Anyway, from this day forward, I suppose because now H and I have the opportunity to grow and to have an even better M than we had pre-A and that's how I HAVE to look at all of this or I will make myself crazy. Although, the details are hard to deal with...
So yes, piecing is NOT easy and we all want to get here when we first begin our DB journey but when we do, that's when the real work begins. I remember reading on the board that piecing was the hard part and I now I understand. The fear is still there of course. The "what ifs" but then I remind myself that regardless of what happens in my M, I will be okay.
Originally Posted By: ncl
Please keep posting, and know that you and your family remain in my thoughts and prayers. I'm so glad to have gotten to know you through this board, as you and others (including our precious JB...gotta love his "you didn't want anything funny boiling on your stove" statement!!!) helped me get to the strong place I am today...and I would be here despite if my marriage had been saved or not!
Love to you and yours....the poster formerly known as lc4
And love and prayers to you too, lc. You and jb kept me hanging in there so many times. I always looked forward to your posts and often a good giggle too. Be well, my dear DB friend.
And to everyone else who posted, I'm very glad my story has given you some hope. I was desperate for some hope when I first joined the board and I was VERY lucky that my sitch was only 4.5 months from the bomb until piecing began.
I think my story may be different from many though because I was contemplating D myself. Therefore, I was somewhat detached when I got the bomb so pursuing by crying, pleading or falling apart was not an issue for me. Some of the DB rules were already being followed unwittingly.
I had not been affectionate or in love with my H for years. He said he felt unloved and unappreciated. When I got the bomb, we'd hadn't ML in 10 months and I didn't care because I no longer found him attractive.
So I was prepared for D and believed that I wanted to D someday. It was the board that changed my mind. I had been reading for 3 months before I began posting. I realized that the grass might not be greener and that I could only change myself. I realized how much I had hurt my H and misunderstood him. I also realized that I did still love him and that I was just angry and hurt myself. Many of the books I listed also helped me to come to these conclusions.
Aslo, I'm also a planner and I had a plan. A time line in my head. I also knew instinctively that H didn't really want a D but at times my anxiety would get the better of me. H also knew there was no way I would every tolerate an A if I knew so there was no way I would let him cake-eat. He knew if he wanted our M, that he needed to get rid of ow quietly but she wouldn't go quietly. He said if he hadn't been in an A that things wouldn't have gotten so crazy. He asked to talk about our R only 10 days after the bomb and that's when he first asked for the list of what I needed to make me happy enough to stay in our M. If you read my threads, you will hear all about the dreaded LIST.
Anyway, I hope this gives you hope but I do realize that my sitch might be different from most in that H said the day after the bomb he was already regretting his decision. He kept bombing me because ow kept making threats and he assumed I would be done with our M if and when I found out about the A. If I hadn't found the board, yes an A would have been a dealbreaker. In hindsight and with H's thought process now revealed to me, all his crazy vacillating behavior makes sense.
But the forum and the books mentioned in my OP will all help you on your journey and I wish everyone well.
However, there have been several times I've wished I could connect with my DB friends in the alt. I don't have a FB account, but have found some DB folks on FB through my kids' accounts (I'm a pretty good detective!