Forgiveness

[antlers]

Went to Court again this morning for my daughter's shoplifting charge. My daughter came up to me this time. She and I interacted throughout the whole process today. Her and her mom got there late. I was early and got a low number for her. It was crowded. I was seated and there was an empty seat next to mine. My daughter was standing next to me, and her mother was standing across the room. I walked across and offered those two seats to ex and my daughter. Ex declined. I sat back down and my daughter stayed with me. We got called in and we three sat together. Got called up to discuss community service, fines, grades, and attendance. Sat back down and waited for da' Judge. I was off work today, ex has work. I offered to take daughter to school after proceedings were over so she could get on to work. Whenever we moved from one location to another during the proceedings, I held doors open for ex and daughter, and let them go first once inside of s different place. Ex talked about new guy to daughter throughout the morning. We appeared before the Judge and she got 6 months probation. She paid her own fine and we all left. Out front, daughter wanted me to take her to school. We parted ways. I said "bye" to ex and we were off. Got daughter some breakfast on the way to school. I feel like I did alright under some uncomfortable circumstances. Daughter said she loved me as I let her out at school. Now I'm off like a prom dress...hittin' the road for a long ride.

[25yearsmlc]

given the givens, it sounds as if it went as well as possible.

Stay the course. Can YOU see the positives here?

[antlers]

Yes. I can see em'.

Ex texted me during the proceedings and said "Not sure if you've noticed but she inherited the antlers attitude."

I texted back "Remember when she was little and we walked past a Chinese dude in the OU library and she goes out loud "Hey, he looks like Jackie Chan". She's got such a strong character. She's such an individual! Ought to make for an exciting life.
God help us!"

I intend for my responses to have some wit, be short, and have NO expectations.

She responded with "She's very blunt and doesn't care at all if what she says or does hurts others."

I haven't responded to that yet. But i still intend for my response to have some wit, be short, and have NO expectations.

Any ideas?

[figgeroni]

sounds like that part came from her mom


(maybe not so much what you are looking for)

[kat727]

Sounds as if it went well. I used to be very cold to my ex as I was still hurting quite a bit. Slowly I began to treat him like the mailman. You know how you can just have friendly chatter as they give you your mail? So that has now grown to us talking about our favorite sports team, world events, friends and of course our kids. we aren't friends but I will say it is a lot nicer to be able to get along.

I have primary custody and he has our girls every other weekend. The boys refuse to do the weekends but my 16 year old will go for the few hours once a week if he isn't working. S19 rarely goes anymore as he is busy with his life.

I don't remember your whole situation but my ex cheated on me and married his affair partner a bit over a year ago.

kat

[SunFunOne]

Antlers:

I think you held up very well under difficult circumstances. I think your daughter did as well. I think your ex was horrible. To talk about new guy in this situation and to rub D's behaviour in your face (even when D was behaving well) was terribly inappropriate. But you can't control Ex's behaviour - you could only control your own (how many times have you heard that here?). But you did control your behaviour. And you set a great example to your daughter. You showed her that even when our loved ones occasionally screw up - we will stand beside them. We will support them. And we still love them.

Getting the low number. Giving up the seats you saved. Holding the doors etc - that was chivalrous behaviour and even if ex didn't seem to appreciate - she noticed.

Actions speak louder than words. Your actions spoke very loudly today.

I'm proud of you! But you can be extremely proud of yourself. And I will bet that things improve immensely with your daughter after this.

Barb

[antlers]

Thank you Barb. Your compliments mean just as much to me as your ass kickings do. They mean a lot! And thank you to 25, kat, and figgeroni too, for responding today. I thought about what I'd respond with while I rode today. When I got in, I texted ex "She has a good heart.", along with a pic of daughters hand in my dads hand while he was very sick and dying. I sent a quick follow-up that said "And, she can change.

Speaking of change.....
The Man's Prayer:

I'm a man. But I can change. If I have to. I guess."

That's it. Some wit, short, and NO expectations.

[SunFunOne]

Antlers: Throughout the past 10 years and my interactions with ex - I can honestly say that I screwed up more than I did well. To the point that it was SO much easier just to avoid him altogether. But on those rare occasions when I got it right - I was proud of myself and just felt so much better. I'm sure my kids felt better too.

Did I do things that I regret? Yes, more often than I could count and what do I regret most? That my children saw me behave that way.

So I kick butt when I try to stop someone from doing the things that I did. But you sure earned your praise today.

Barb

[25yearsmlc]

Antlers

just curious. Why do you need to "respond" to her jibes at all?

Stay focussed on your son. Positives about HIM and not a lot else -- she's too busy fuming/festering to react with ANYTHING from you but negatives.

Go dark, on her anger at least.

((( )))

[antlers]

Regarding responding to her.....I'm trying to develop a good rapport with her concerning the kids. Communication, sbout thrm, is important. We've been at each other throughout most of this and I'd really like to find some common ground as it relates to our kids. I love them and I know she does too. Our kids have paid a high price for watching us fight. Before, during, and after the divorce. I'm hoping that we can both put our kids best interests above our own. This would be something new.