Absolutely, I think ALL of us that wind up in this mess do so out of failing to keep our love and marriages alive on a regular basis.
But it doesn't make any of us "bad" people...we've all fallen victim to putting our jobs, kids, personal happiness, etc. first in our lives while our relationship with our spouses fell by the way side.
When we're ALL (both spouses) honest with ourselves we see our part in the dissolution of our marriages. We get 'to comfortable' to 'indifferent' to 'sure of ourselves' to 'self absorbed' and then suddenly someone else steps in to fill the gaps of what our spouses needed but didn't have the courage or ability to tell us about.
There seems to be a thread that runs through all of our relationships on this board and that is that one spouse held what they thought and felt back from US, and the other "withheld" their love and affection (in one way or another) in reaction to feeling thier spouse drawing away from them...We all got our defenses up, fought the wrong battle and lost the war...and now, we have to find a way to make our peace, save face and reunite...it's not easy to do with all the battle scars both spouses bear...but it can be done and does get done, eventually. T2
that pretty much sums my sitch up too. I agree that is the common thread that we're fighting. Too bad it wasnt a requirement for marriage to read DR and 5LL :-), and a refresher when you have kids. I think if I read them 2-3 years ago, we'd NEVER have gotten to this place in our lives.
Now that we have the arsenal, it's applying it consistenly and lovingly that's the challengs, esp when the alien rears it's ugly head, or our fears of the future make us crazy.
Bill.
"you are who you chose to be" - Iron Giant
Link To CURRENT Sitch
I am totally convinced that EVERY marriage IS salvagable. My H was so far gone emotionally that I was practically dead in his eyes...the coldness that exuded from him after the first bomb was devastating. He said every MLC textbook phrase imaginable...He was a TOTAL stranger to me back then...but again, here we are today, as this tragic process unfolded over nearly two years...he has come back around, in his own time, in his own way....and believe me when I tell you that HE is grateful that I am still here for him. He has said so many times that he doesn't know who "that guy" was that he'd become...he hates him...he's afraid of him...and he will never become "that guy" again. T2
T2 you've helped me through some rough periods and have kept me going this whole time...just last night I was thinking of you again and how far you've come...I'm still following and hope to be where you are at in the future and I also hope my H can follow.. I'll have to give my H credit for trying to become a new man. There are many more obstacles I'm sure, but I am holding out for the new H our new R/M.
T2, Having read through your entire sitch now - I am SO grateful that you found your way to visit me. You have some incredible words of advice - having really gone through the pain. I appreciate that now that you are on the path to healing, you are finding the time to help those of us in trouble. I cannot describe how grateful I am - and hope that I can do the same when I make it as far as you have.
Your strength in the face of adversity, your positive attitude and the fact that you came out ahead in the game - knowing that no matter what happened with your H, YOU would still be OK - and in fact better for the experience.
I found this especially meaningful: QUOTE: ____________________________________________________________ I'd like to believe that my life would have been better had none of this ever happened to me...(us)....and yet the truth is, it wouldn't have been better because we had BOTH stopped loving each other and this HELL woke us both up to what we had destroyed by our apathy towards each other. I don't think we'll ever make the same mistakes again. ___________________________________________________________
This really helps me see the truth - even though I know it in my head for my own sitch, it's still hard to see it.
Keep up the great work and keep visiting when you can. Your words are so meaningful to me. Many hugs {{{{{{{{{T2}}}}}}}}}}, Totally
T2: You describe very well all of the understandings I have come to, as well as the state of where my R is today.
I sincerely wish that I had never had to go through this experience. It was, without a doubt, the most painful event I have had to deal with...and that is saying alot. Still, some of the end results are things I am very grateful for. It is the ultimate irony, isn't it?
Another thing that has changed forever is that I don't think my H will ever take me for granted in the way that he did before. It sounds as though he used to believe I would always be there...and now he knows better. I know that he appreciates me in a way that he never did before and is amazed and I'm fairly confident that he wouldn't let another person come between us in this way ever again.
It took me a long time to understand what he meant that the A was "not about me". How could it have been not about me when I was the one he was betraying? Now I understand that it really was all about him and his own problems and insecurities.
In our case, I don't think that it was a matter of not attending to the love in our R as much as it was conflict avoidance, assumptions and resentments based on assumptions. I won't be likely to stay silent anymore if I see things going sideways in the R. Conflict avoidance did a lot of damage before, and I am having to take the lead now to show my H how to deal with conflict directly in a POSITIVE way.
All the way around, our stories are very similar in result.
I am totally convinced that EVERY marriage IS salvagable. My H was so far gone emotionally that I was practically dead in his eyes...the coldness that exuded from him after the first bomb was devastating. He said every MLC textbook phrase imaginable...He was a TOTAL stranger to me back then...but again, here we are today, as this tragic process unfolded over nearly two years...he has come back around, in his own time, in his own way....and believe me when I tell you that HE is grateful that I am still here for him. He has said so many times that he doesn't know who "that guy" was that he'd become...he hates him...he's afraid of him...and he will never become "that guy" again. T2
I think I can; I think I can. Thanks for the postive comments. I go from being Superman, to being mr down in the dumps back and forth over this. I keep letting the alien and anti-mom's talk and behavior get to me, rather than being sad for the place she is right now, and working on me.
I really needed the uplifting comments. I plan on reading your sitch from the beginning tonight.
Bill.
"you are who you chose to be" - Iron Giant
Link To CURRENT Sitch
Quote: I plan on reading your sitch from the beginning tonight.
Me too! Me too! I actually printed out several of T2's threads to read tonight while in class. Macroeconomics - yummy - is there any wonder why I need something to fill my time?!?
I've been put on to your thread by others who thought it would be helpful. My H moved home in jan, after being Sep for 3 months. Things are going well, but i often strugle with the question of whether i want this marriage or not.
It's almost like i have detached too far from him and i don't know how to get back there, or even if i want to. I too have set 'deal breaker' conditions, with a time limit for my H, which he is fully aware of and is actually trying to do, but still i question my wisdom at accepting him back into my life!
I truely believe that this is a fantastic opportunity for H and I to create the M we always wanted, and when i put it to myself in those terms it helps me to not want to bolt and run!
How do you stop the doubts? Did you and your H attend MC? My H really wants to, but i just don't know if it would help (but I'm willing to try anything!)
My H leaving was partly to do with an illness that he couldn't accept and i tried to hard to help him with!
Any advise on how to move forward from here would be great.
