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witz10 Offline OP
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The issue I have is that my family never offered to pay for anything till now. My brother, mother and sister all had there cars, car insurance, health insurance, some credit cards, mortgages, cell phones covered by the office. It felt like we were the outcasts when we came back from California. We didn't get any of the benefits from the business and we struggled and they saw this at times.

Now when everything started they decided to help out and put me on payroll, even though I asked for it numerous times. I never liked getting paid under the table but it was for the benefit of the family.

These are things that I am working through now and like I told Mr. Bond. Pending on what I am offered tomorrow at my interview I have a feeling I will be sticking around here, just to get the money to pay down debt and put into savings.


M37 W34
S6
D3
M8yrs T14
S 1year
Told me she doesn't want to be married 10/2011
"I will never stop trying because when you find the ONE, you never give up." Steve Carrell Crazy, stupid, Love
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"The issue I have is that my family never offered to pay for anything till now. "

Let's put it this way. Your family isn't really obligated to get you anything. Was it fair? No it probably wasn't. But you knew the situation for awhile and CHOSE to remain there. You could have left at any time.

"I never liked getting paid under the table but it was for the benefit of the family."

Again, you had the choice. Stay or leave. But ultimately it was your choice to stay. If you really don't want to continue working with your family, leave. It really is as simple as that. Irregardless of what you say you won't be making.

If you decide to stay, you shouldn't be bad mouthing your family and especially if now they've stepped up to the plate and are trying to help you.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Being stuck is a choice.

Try to see that as empowering b/c otherwise

you are just realizing what every child realizes (no offense meant) which is that
when you choose "A", you don't get "B"...

If you order a cheeseburger you don't get the chicken.

It's as if you feel someone is holding a gun to your head when in reality, you just want a cheeseburger AND the chicken.

You sense loss by choosing.

No choice is free, but you are free to choose.


These are trade offs.


People are rarely truly stuck or trapped as you imply.

Sure, there are SOME -like the ones in refugee camps in Pakistan or Africa. Their alternative was death to drought or the Taliban.

What are your REAL alternatives? AND...don't forget...

what are the actual downsides to your family paying you under the table?

um, jail comes to mind. Or more realistically, tax liens on property.

WE, as in my h and I, did not make a quarterly payment in 2009. How?

to my utter shock, we forgot--yes we forgot--BECAUSE that quarter was when my dying mother in law was with us and her cancer had gone to her brain and she was extremely labor intensive to care for. Literally 24/7.

So the tax payment fell through the cracks or I thought h had filed it or gotten an extention, blah blah blah. Neither the IRS nor California told us til recently, so penalties, interest and fees were ALL added and a lien was put on the house and it has been a big fat drag on us financially..

Just got the lien removed & appeal for penalties was granted but still a big Nightmare..

And that's for an accidental underpayment w/sympathetic circumstances.


So be careful about underestimating the risk there.

2 questions--

How does your w feel about your family's ways?

Is the reason you lived away in California in the first place, partly b/c of them?


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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PS

NO ONE offered to lend or give us any money when the sh!! hit the fan for us.

We did not ask for a loan or gift.

My fil is a self made millionaire. (btw, MIL and FIL divorced long ago.)


H and I don't believe FIL "owes" us HIS hard money.

I admit it entered my mind that "it sure would be nice if we had it now when we need it instead of after FIL passes away" BUT

I put the STOP SIGN there, b/c it is not ours now, or even ours to expect. He can give it all away now or at death. We are Not "ENTITLED".

We dropped the ball.
Her illness was longer than expected and we did not pace ourselves financially b/c we thought she would only live a few months but she lasted 20 months. It's how it went.

We could say that we suffered more financially b/c of that and so,

"life is unfair" OR

we can be grateful the chemo helped prolong her life so much.

CHOOSE how you view the same event, and your life changes.

(& like I say, if you want to whine about "unfair", check out AFRICA)

So We sold a car for a smaller one, cashed in a retirement account to pay off the state, and now we're paying the IRS off ourselves...all for an innocent mistake in a very difficult time for us.

AND It is still really a strain on us, But WE are "OUR family"

not our parents and siblings. They are our family of origin.

They're sympathetic...but not sending checks. Didn't expect them to do so either.

My guess is, You have some co-dependency issues & toxic forms of interaction that contribute to your depression, imo

and to your w's opinion of you and you of yourself...and them of you.

Too much blame being assigned. And for sure

there are too many people in this marriage.


Are you getting IC for you?


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 234
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witz10 Offline OP
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Mr Bond your right on all accounts. All this could have been adverted if I opened my mouth and fought for my wife and kids. Instead of taking a back seat to it all. Thank you for calling me out on this.

I went for the interview today. I think it went rather well, at this time I think if they offer me a spot it will depend on the salary. I am split right now 60/40 about staying at the office and being able to put money away and pay down my debt then start looking for something else.

I have to do whats best for me and in my interests. Right now that is getting rid of debt and saving for a home.


M37 W34
S6
D3
M8yrs T14
S 1year
Told me she doesn't want to be married 10/2011
"I will never stop trying because when you find the ONE, you never give up." Steve Carrell Crazy, stupid, Love
Joined: Oct 2011
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witz10 Offline OP
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Your right about being stuck. I chose to stay here because of the safety. I felt safe. I was also able to work freelance video shoots and still come to work here the next day. That was when I had the film dream. Now I am questioning that as well.


2 questions--

How does your w feel about your family's ways? My W is not happy with my family's business tactics. She asked me numerous times to get on payroll and always there was an excuse from my brother. He would appease me by saying ok in the next quarter or the new year. My w has not seen nor spoken to my family since my sons bday party in the beginning of November. She asks me how they are and she has tried to set up playdates with my sister and her kids, however my sister never gets back to her.

Is the reason you lived away in California in the first place, partly b/c of them? [/quote]We moved to California for me to try working in film and tv, which I did in 2001 then with the 911 work pretty much dried up for a long time. My w went to school out there to be a psychologist.

I also have a california lien against me. For the Franchise tax board. This was something that at the time was misfiled by the family business. My w and I would work out of our apt. I would enter loans and get approvals for the office. This tax lien has been with me since 2005. I gave it numerous times to my brother who passed it onto the accountant and then I would get another bill. This almost affected the purchase of my condo. We got it "fixed", now he is finally paying it off.


M37 W34
S6
D3
M8yrs T14
S 1year
Told me she doesn't want to be married 10/2011
"I will never stop trying because when you find the ONE, you never give up." Steve Carrell Crazy, stupid, Love
Joined: Oct 2011
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witz10 Offline OP
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I am talking more about my family tomorrow in therapy. I have to admit other then getting over my family issues which with your help as well as gabby and mr bond I understand better. What you all are saying are very valid points and I am being selfish. I have been feeling better about myself and my situation for the past 3 weeks now. In fact I think I had may 2 bad days and a little one last night.
I had to go drop my external hard drive off at my w's home and saw a dozen roses were delivered to her. I didn't say anything to her about them it is none of my business.
I am letting it go.
I did find out from a friend that met up with her last Saturday for a play date some interesting info. My W said now it is not me but its her. I know she has some issues with her family as well that need to get worked out and I hope she does.
We have been more chatty as well the past few weeks. Since our lunch meeting. Sunday night she even offered me chili she made up and she made me sauteed brussel sprouts which I never had before. We sat at the dining room table kids and her had dessert and I ate the chili. My D looked at me and said Daddy you home now? I am not expecting anything from this. It is all just baby steps right now.


M37 W34
S6
D3
M8yrs T14
S 1year
Told me she doesn't want to be married 10/2011
"I will never stop trying because when you find the ONE, you never give up." Steve Carrell Crazy, stupid, Love
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 234
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witz10 Offline OP
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Gabbysmom you are also right and I am not going to look a gift horse in the mouth right now. I am going to take the help and alleviate some of the burden. I will be putting money away and paying down credit cards. Once this is done then I will be moving on to a new job. I figure by that point I will have savings for a apt or a home and I will be in a better place.


As for your question, my W looks at it this way and why she was upset with them. A lot of there bills were being covered as an office expense. Why were some of ours not? Which I can understand but it didn't happen so I am letting it go. Closed book.


M37 W34
S6
D3
M8yrs T14
S 1year
Told me she doesn't want to be married 10/2011
"I will never stop trying because when you find the ONE, you never give up." Steve Carrell Crazy, stupid, Love
Joined: Oct 2011
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witz10 Offline OP
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Thank you to all!!!!

Had my therapy last night and I would like to share that he likes where I am and that I am moving forward nicely in the past few weeks. I told him about my family and the additional money for my car. Told him how I felt and that I posted here and how everyone on here put me in my place. Which helped me to decide on what I am doing for the time being and how I am in control of my life.

Feels good to get that validation from someone who has seen me face to face at my lowest point to now one of my highest points.

Thank you again for all the words of criticism, encouragement, and calling me out on the bs I was doing to myself, family and my W.
As of right now I am at a place where I see a fork in the road that I will have to eventually take. One will be reconciling with my W when and if she is ever ready and the other is the start of a new paved road. As of now there are detour signs and I can't get on either only time will tell which is chosen.

He also found it interesting that my W made the statement of its not him its me now. He hopes she makes the right decisions for herself and gets the right help she needs with whatever issues she has to deal with at this moment in her life. Honestly so do I. So far things have been better between her and I but I am not getting any type of expectations and like I said its an open road. I am not dating and not looking to date right now either. Just go out with friends and have a good time.


M37 W34
S6
D3
M8yrs T14
S 1year
Told me she doesn't want to be married 10/2011
"I will never stop trying because when you find the ONE, you never give up." Steve Carrell Crazy, stupid, Love
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 234
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witz10 Offline OP
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Its been about a week since i posted last. I have been pretty good up till thursday and friday. I think it started when i saw a couple in the supermarket goofying around then walking arms around each other. That plus valentines day. Also realizing that 2/11 is one year since all this sort of started. My w and i were to have a nice night out kids were sleeping at in laws. We went to dinner very litt.e conversation. It was like pulling teeth. We had a gift card to pay for dinner and i had 3 dollars on me for a tip. Couldn't get to atm for money plua there was none to take out. We got home and started to argue about my work. Remember it like it was yesterday.
My w still wonders why i am not dating either to give her closure ny seeong me happy again or lift guilt off her shoulders. This way she knows its ok to move on. Problem is i am emotionally attached and still believe this can work out. As long as one of us still fights right. I don't know. I feel like my life is missing something and that is .......

She text me last night to stop at condo and grab kids snow stuff. I go over pull the stuff out from under the bed and right next to it is a litmans jewelers bag. Then as i walk out the room there is a long jewlery box on the bureau. This was the xmas gift. I know i have no control over this at all. Again wish i didn't see it. Then when i was leaving my neighbor caught me. He was telling me about my in laws coming up last week and how it felt weird to be in my place with them and me not there. Then they went to his place and om and friend came up and drank with neighbor, w, in laws. I wonder if in laws have figured anything out yet.


M37 W34
S6
D3
M8yrs T14
S 1year
Told me she doesn't want to be married 10/2011
"I will never stop trying because when you find the ONE, you never give up." Steve Carrell Crazy, stupid, Love
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