Forgiveness

[antlers]

I intend to respond Barb. I want it to be good and effective. And I do appreciate the care and concern.

[antlers]

Thanks 2tp. That's the kind of help I'm looking for. Here's a rough draft...lemme know what ya' think?

Ex, I agree that our pointing fingers is doing us or the kids no good and just serves to increase the tension between us. I'll talk to my family. Can we then call a truce and work together concerning our kids....so they can receive the love, support, and cooperation from their parents that they need and deserve?  
I'm not concerned, at all, with focusing on the past any more. We both did things that contributed to the ending of our marriage and our family. My concern for our kids now and from this moment forward is to focus on the present and future in order to help them be well adjusted and successful. I want to DO something about the problems the kids are having. I love them and want what's best for them, and I know that you do too. Solution building and getting positive results is the goal. 

[2thepoint]

Ditch the part about "we both did things that contributed to the ending of our M and family..." Its like you still need to get a dig in there (i.e. ex shares in responsibility). It is not necessary and will only serve to antagonize further.

As a side note. At some point I think your and ex will need to sit down with the kids and show them a united front as far as expectations for them are concerned. Of course you both will need to have developed a game plan or plan of action ahead of time. And I think it will have to be done in person with your ex. Back and forth via email will not work IMO. Get the plan worked out together. Work through and work out the tension before meeting with the kids or they will see right through it and manipulate the sitch.

You and your ex have to demonstrate a firm and united front or it will not work.

[antlers]

Ditch the part about "we both did things that contributed to the ending of our M and family..." Its like you still need to get a dig in there (i.e. ex shares in responsibility). It is not necessary and will only serve to antagonize further.

I only added that because in her initial response to me she only mentioned how I had accused her of wrongdoing with the insinuation that she had done none and it was all me. My response shows ownership 'and' shared responsibility. And I mentioned that I'd speak to my family.....even though my kids have told me that her family bad mouths me too. I'm not trying to get in a dig...I'm owning my actions...but not turning a blind eye to shared responsibility either. It doesnt sound 'accusing' to me. That's the truth. Do you still feel I shoul nix that part? Am I supposed to take ALL responsibility for what happened.....like she wants me too?

[antlers]

You had mentioned earlier in my thread that by saying "we" that it takes a little of the sting out of the comment while at the same time shows me taking some ownership as well which you believed helps to create common ground. That's all I was thinking and doing.

[figgeroni]

Yup...Midwest here...MN, SD, ND. Live in MN, teach in SD

drop the part about both of you doing bad things
it will make her want to counter with how you did worse things

if it is really about the kids
it doesn't matter what her family is saying about you

because you can't control that

you can only control you

[figgeroni]

Also, Barb is right...

anytime you waste is time lost

[antlers]

I sent the following text to her today, in response to her last text to me:

"Ex, I agree that our pointing fingers is doing us and the kids no good and just serves to increase the tension between us. I'll talk to my family. Can we then call a truce and work together concerning our kids....so they can receive the love, support, and cooperation from their parents that they need and deserve?
I'm not concerned, at all, with focusing on the past any more. My concern for our kids now and from this moment forward is to focus on the present and future in order to help them be well adjusted and successful. I want us to DO something about the problems the kids are having. I love them and want what's best for them, and I know that you do too. Solution building and getting positive results is the goal. You and I need to present a firm and united front concerning our kids, their behavior, and what we expect from them."

[2thepoint]

I think the message was fine.

"I'm not trying to get in a dig...I'm owning my actions...but not turning a blind eye to shared responsibility either. It doesnt sound 'accusing' to me. That's the truth. Do you still feel I shoul nix that part? Am I supposed to take ALL responsibility for what happened...like she wants me too?

Here's the thing Antlers, until you drop the sword of anger and resentment, you will not be able to move forward. The D is over!! Swallow your pride, suk it up about who is responsible for what and work with your ex on the mutual goal of raising the children.

Here's the other thing. Forget about whether or not something sounds accusing to you or not. If it sounds accusing to your ex or to us, then guess what? That's exactly how it will be interpreted.

So, do your best to ditch all negativity and resentment. Start from scratch....from this day forward. Dump the baggage and you will see a whole new level of cooperation between you and your ex. And that will be good for the kids, right?

[antlers]

I think the message was fine. Thank you. And thanks for your help and feedback. I think it was a good response to her.

Here's the thing Antlers, until you drop the sword of anger and resentment, you will not be able to move forward. The D is over!! Swallow your pride, suk it up about who is responsible for what and work with your ex on the mutual goal of raising the children. I'm not angry and resentful 2tp. Honestly. I've truly forgiven my ex for the hurtful things she did. And I've moved forward quite a bit over the last 3 and 1/2 months...since I truly decided to. I know it's over. I truly do. I've swallowed my pride s bunch over the last 3 years. That's OK. My kids and their well being are what's important to me now.

Here's the other thing. Forget about whether or not something sounds accusing to you or not. If it sounds accusing to your ex or to us, then guess what? That's exactly how it will be interpreted. I appreciate that...and that's one reason that feedback is important. To help. Asking questions or wanting clarification doesn't mean I disagree.

So, do your best to ditch all negativity and resentment. Start from scratch....from this day forward. Dump the baggage and you will see a whole new level of cooperation between you and your ex. And that will be good for the kids, right? I've got a good genuine attitude about this. I meant what I said in both of my communications to her. I'd love to see what I'm suggesting, and I'd love for my kids to be helped.