Forgiveness

[figgeroni]

if she is violating the order...call her on it in court

and for God sakes

you said somewhere (I forgot to do the quote thing) that you didn't want to have to tell her that stuff again

newsflash

you don't HAVE to tell her that stuff

sometimes
we can filter ourselves and not tell someone everything that crosses through our hearts and minds



really...it's OK to not tell her these things

back off for a bit

focus on being a parent

[antlers]

I know I'm divorced Barb. I know she can have a boyfriend. I even told her recently.....

"Ex, I'm happy that you found love again. After all, you are someone who has meant a lot in my life, and you're the mother of my children. I want happiness and love for you. antlers"

My point is that she is violating a court order that her attorney put in our decree. That's all. I do have him seeing a licensed counselor, and I even caught hell for it yesterday from my daughter when we were spending time together. She said he doesn't need it and I should take him out.

I talk with my daughter, but it has little effect. It is s fuked up mess.

[antlers]

Backing off is, I believe, good advice. I've said how I feel. She knows how I feel. It doesn't matter.
I miss having an emotional connection. I feel so lonely.

I woke up at 3 this morning. Saw I had a text from son sent at 2:15 this morning (school night). It's the first communication I've received from him since he left on Jsn. 11th.....

"Can u set all of my Abercrombie clothes somewhere so I can get because they all to small for me now and I wanna sell them"

Here's the short exchange that followed.....

Me - you still up?
Him - yeah
Me - I miss ya' son.
Him -
Me - Don't you have to get up in like 4 hours to get ready for school?
Him -
Me - Well, it was nice talkin' to ya' son. At least I got a "yeah" out of ya'! 😜
Him -
Me - Goodnight. I love you son, and I think about you every day.
Him -
Me - Son, I feel like us not communicating with each other is bad for both of us...and I'd sure like it if you and I started communicating with each other again.
Him - Please stop texting me. Don't respond
Me - :-(
Him -
Me - I don't know why you're being this way to me.........
But I still love you.

That was it.
Heartbreaking.

[antlers]

Venting.....
I feel sad. I know, I know! I've hurt over my ex enough already. Unfortunately, knowing she is in a serious relationship opens wounds....no matter how 'good' I felt l was doing.
I never though my life would be so fuked up at nearly 51. I don't even know what to think or feel anymore...about anything. I called in the last 2 days and went to the gym instead of work. Physical activity is the only solace I can find these days. I'm so fukin' sick of hurting.

[antlers]

More venting.....
Right now, I wish I would just die. I never thought my life would be so fuked up at nearly 51. I've made changes and become a better man...to no avail. My son hates me, my oldest daughter hates me, my ex (the only woman I ever truly loved) hates me, and my youngest daughter just says or does whatever's necessary in any given situation to get what she wants (I do believe that she loves me though). I'm strugglin'. 

I know our emotions are volatile, and can change drastically depending on circumstances.....but damn!

[SunFunOne]

Antlers: I am really sorry that you are hurting. You seem to be in a bad place despite the repeated pronouncements that you are in a better place. And please stop with the FUK statements here and on other people's threads. In 10 years I don't ever rmember anyone using it as an adjective all the time. It is unpleasant.

But your actions and your words don't match up. You are obviously really angry and upset about "other guy" yet you say you get that she is divorced and can do this and it is only about the court order. Yet you won't go to a lawyer about it. Reading it - it is about much more than any court order.

"Stop Texting" is the right advice just as your son said. He makes his first contact and you go off on him about being up on a school night? Are you kidding??? Couldn't you just oblige his request and that would have made him happy with you - not angry.

You are continuing to wallow. It is good to vent here but I don't think it is enough. Are you still seeing a counselor regularly? If not - make an appt - a professional can offer much more. And are you on ADs??? I am not a fan of them personally but they have helped many people who have been angry and depressed.

And how does once "catch Hell" from their daughter? You are the adult here. Don't let the kids call the shots. He obviously needs counselling (& in my opinion, a lot more - like a special program as previously suggested).

I think you need a more "balanced" approach to everything. Much less messaging and much more backing off and giving space while taking care of you. Letting them see changes in you when the opportunities arise. You seem to get stuck in these holes of despair. We've all been there but eventually we started climbing out.

Are you in any social groups? I honestly thing that being around other people will help you. Divorce Recovery? Hobby? Church? You are physically active - so that is good but try something with a group - not just alone. And try going a month without contacting the family members directly (except maybe youngest daughter). They have asked you not to - you'd be surprised - they might notice if you are not constantly contacting them.

I know you are hurting and you don't need a bashing but I can't think of any other way to help.

Please take care of YOU!

Barb

[antlers]

Antlers: I am really sorry that you are hurting. You seem to be in a bad place despite the repeated pronouncements that you are in a better place. And please stop with the FUK statements here and on other people's threads. In 10 years I don't ever rmember anyone using it as an adjective all the time. It is unpleasant. I am struggling with some stuff right now Barb. I'm in a bad place right now. I have felt good when I've mentioned it here though. But I've also seen how volatile our emotions can be, you can truly be feeling good one minute, then experience a setback, and then feel miserable. You can also feel truly miserable, then have something good happe, and then feel a lot better. So I have seen and experienced how volatile emotions can be based upon the circumstances. I apologise for my use here of the profane word that you referred to. I won't use it here again.

But your actions and your words don't match up. You are obviously really angry and upset about "other guy" yet you say you get that she is divorced and can do this and it is only about the court order. Yet you won't go to a lawyer about it. Reading it - it is about much more than any court order. Barb, I'm hurt more than anything else I feel. I'm not angry at her or her significant other. I'm hurt. I've only been at this letting go stuff for a little over 4 months. I do feel I've made progress. Nonetheless, sometimes I still hurt, and sometimes I experience setbacks. I am divorced. She can and does have a significant other. Sometimes, like yesterday and today...the thought of that hurts. I don't think her violation of that particular court order is good for my kids...for obvious reasons. I am concerned about them. I wouldn't do it. Not because it's a court order, but because it's not in my kids best interests. I don't want to go to a lawyer. I know you and fig don't agree with that, but my experience with the legal system has been atrocious. I never want to be involved in it again. I'm hurt. Not angry. I am only angry that my life is in such shambles, and it's mostly my fault. I'm not angry at her or him though...just hurt. I have been doing better with it, but I've experienced a setback.

"Stop Texting" is the right advice just as your son said. He makes his first contact and you go off on him about being up on a school night? Are you kidding??? Couldn't you just oblige his request and that would have made him happy with you - not angry. I never thought about it that way Barb. I guess because I didn't feel like I was going off on him. He could have taken it that way. Or if he was on the computer or playing x-box, he could have simply been aggravated at getting multiple texts, as I've seen him do many times at home. I thought, maybe incorrectly, that since he did at least respond to my initial text, that we could have a dialogue. But he didn't even respond when I told him that I missed him...and that was 'before' I commented on how late it was. I really don't know if he meant 'stop texting me right now, while I'm preoccupied with what I'm doing'...or if he meant 'stop texting me anymore at all, peroid'.

You are continuing to wallow. It is good to vent here but I don't think it is enough. Are you still seeing a counselor regularly? If not - make an appt - a professional can offer much more. And are you on ADs??? I am not a fan of them personally but they have helped many people who have been angry and depressed. sometimes I get mired down. I don't like it and I know it's unhealthy. But setbacks sometimes happen. Venting here and getting feedback helps a lot Barb. I've had regular counselling for months at a time two different times. Recently finished up latest one last month. I've exhausted insurance benefits for now. I was on I was on AD's for two years after she moved out. They lessened the severity of the peaks and valleys. They helped, but after two years my doctor said I needed to be off of them...so I got off. Don't want to start them again. I'm just going through a rough patch right now. Lots of circumstances and lots of emotions. I'm not angry at her. Or him. If I'm angry at anything, it's my life and how it is right now. I'm not even angry at me anymore...just my life.

And how does once "catch Hell" from their daughter? You are the adult here. Don't let the kids call the shots. He obviously needs counselling (& in my opinion, a lot more - like a special program as previously suggested). She told md yesterday she wrote me that awful letter back in Decrmber after she found out about me putting son in counselling. She said it made her very mad. She told me yesterday that he doesn't need it and I should take him out. I explained my rationale and feelings about it to her, but she was unreceptive to it. I agree that he needs it. Take a peek at that letter and you'll see how she feels about him going to counselling.

I think you need a more "balanced" approach to everything. Much less messaging and much more backing off and giving space while taking care of you. Letting them see changes in you when the opportunities arise. You seem to get stuck in these holes of despair. We've all been there but eventually we started climbing out. I agree Barb that I need a 'different' approach to everything, balanced or whatever. OK...I'll stop text messaging as much and start backing off even more...and giving even more space. And I'll try to take care of me even more. I hope opportunities will arise under those circumstances for them to see more good changes in me. You're right, I do get stuck in holes of despair. I'm in one now. I'll do OK for a while, even pretty good under the circumstances, and then I'll suffer a setback. Despair. I think I've done some climbing out, despite the despair I sometimes feel when I suffer a setback. Question...should I stop texting my youngest daughter as much and give her even more space too? Is texting my son and oldest daughter once a week OK? Or do you recommend something different? I usually text with my youngest daughter daily.

Are you in any social groups? I honestly thing that being around other people will help you. Divorce Recovery? Hobby? Church? You are physically active - so that is good but try something with a group - not just alone. And try going a month without contacting the family members directly (except maybe youngest daughter). They have asked you not to - you'd be surprised - they might notice if you are not constantly contacting them.I have a group of friends that I ride with. They're mostly married women and we all really are a good group. I'm around others at work, but that's about all of my social groups. I agree that being around others helps. I haven't checked in to any other groups. One of my friends always invites me to church but I never go. My wife and kids went there a few times when my oldest daughter got baptised there. I'm very physically active, especially for a geeser of 50. The riding season arrives next month and there will be charity riding events nearly every weekend off...I'll be riding those with my friends. So you're recommending a month without contacting my son or oldest daughter? It'll be the first time I've ever done that. What about youngest daughter. What should I do there?

I know you are hurting and you don't need a bashing but I can't think of any other way to help. I am going through a rough time right now. I am hurting. But I think it's the nature of this stuff...you don't just get over it and 'that's it'. There is progress and setbacks, more progress and setbacks...but the overall movement is mostly forward, and that's a positive thing. I don't mind a bashing, and I do appreciate your help. Thank you. I will take your advice.

Please take care of YOU! I'll put forth more effort to do just that. The wind [censored] here today so I went to the gym. I'm coming up on 45 miles on this trainer this morning. Ive been lifting this morning too. That's all good stuff.

[antlers]

More problems concerning my son. I'm posting this e-mail that I received from Vice Principal yesterday regarding my son. I'm just heartbroken over the situation. He just got back last Thursday from being suspended, and he got in more trouble the very next day which resulted in this suspension! I continue to try to encourage his mother for she and I to work together to help our son, but I continue to get no cooperation from her. 

- antlers

"Ex and antlers:
Due to son's continued defiant and disruptive behavior in several of his classes on Friday, I will be suspending him for 5 days.

Hopefully son will be able to re-direct his behavior.

--
Assistant Principal"

I forwarded it to her yesterday, as I've been doing with all communication I get from the school...even if I know they sent it to her too. I just preface it by saying "I just wanted to make sure you got this too". She sent back a "Yes I know".
I've been thinking about sending her another communication encouraging cooperation concerning our kids.

[figgeroni]

Antlers

You need to stop trying to be friends with your kids

You are the parent here

it doesn't matter if your kids like you or not because you have to do what is important to get them out of this crap

if you have parental custody of them, now is the time to commit your son to the treatment program mentioned by the school counselor

now is the time to stop being manipulated by your daughter

now is the time to pull your parent panties up and get to work

no more wallowing

time to get to work

you have let it go this long

you lost the oppportunity to text with your son when he texted you by repeatedly texting him back and adding sad faces etc...you are an adult for God's sake...you don't beg for your son's responses

step up and be the parent even if they don't like it and even if they get mad

you have custody
you have that power for now

use it

[antlers]

Hi fig.

I DO NOT have parental custody of them. We have JOINT custody of our kids.

I texted my son back, repeatedly, because I thought that since he texted me, maybe we could get a dialogue going. I tried.

I DO NOT have custody.
I DO NOT have that power.

It's a difficult situation. I DO appreciate your input and feedback, along with those from whoever contributes. BTW, the courts here allow children who are teenagers to come and go between parents whenever they feel like it, and to stay with whichever parent they want to.....regardless of any court decision/ruling.

I continue to be hopeful that time, and persistence on my part, will ultimately be successful in encouraging my ex to cooperate with me in doing what is truly best for our kids.