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#2216018 - 01/26/12 09:47 AM Re: Forgiveness [Re: SunFunOne]
antlers Offline
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Registered: 03/28/09
Posts: 3041
Originally Posted By: SunFunOne
Antlers:

This one is really hard. I totally get it. I think you have to give him some space. He really needs to be able to choose. I feel for him, truly. It is difficult enough growing up these days without having your Mom walk out, your parents fighting and your sisters living elsewhere. No doubt he is torn. I don't disagree with anything you've said here. He has been an emotional wreck since his mom walked out. I know that he's torn. But he's so fickle. I didn't contact him for 13 days, and I didn't hear from him either. Then that night I sent him a short text that said simply "Thinkin' about ya'. Love you". I still haven't heard anything from him. He was really pissed when he left.

My daughter was 12 when her dad walked. My L and C both told me she was old enough to choose who to live with. She would never have gone with her dad - she has never accepted his OW and won't have her in her life - so that was not the problem. The problem was that she was devastated - just as your son is - and took out all her frustration on me. It was extremely difficult to live with her and it never really got easier. My son is and has been devestated too. I have been on the receiving end of tremendous amounts of anger and meanness from him, and he's been very difficult to live with.

Daughter had to get her own apt last Spring when I moved away. Our R has never been better as we are now apart. But it took years of strain, understanding, frustration and LOVE. His mother communicated with my brother 2 nights ago via text and she told him that my son "is doing real good over there and she hasn't had any problems with him at all, and that he's gone through so much emotionally with the crap he's had to hear and still hears, and that he needs time to be in a happy, positive, peaceful, truthful environment". That was a direct attack on me and the environment that he's in when he's with me. Her response was SO disingenuous. Incendentally, since he's been over there, I've received 2 very distressing letters from 2 different teachers at his school telling me that his behavior and schoolwork has deteriorated markedly and they really don't know what else to do with him at this point. Ironically on Jan. 5th when he was still at my house I got a very complementary letter from another one of his teachers telling me how good he was doing and how good his attitude was.

Your son probably does not know how to handle the situation any differently. Give him some time. I'm sure you can see how that is working with your daughters. Time and space and unconditional love has helped create a new R with them. He's lived with me exclusively for over 2 years. He knows how I am, and he knows how I treat him. He's lied to his mother and told her that I was mean to him, because she mentioned to my brother that my son told her that I was mean to him. All I've done is tell him 'no' when it was appropriate, I sometimes don't let him get his way, I sometimes question him when he's done something wrong, and I've grounded him a couple of times over those 2 years when it was warranted. That's been the extent of my being mean. I'm giving him time. I'll reach out again in about a week and just let him know that I'm thinking about him and love him via a short text. My oldest daughter still will not even communicate with me. My youngest daughter and I have been spending a good deal of time together. She's been contacting me often.

Don't worry about the courts. It is what is best for your son that counts. If you fought to have him stay with you against his will - how would that end up in 5 years? And trust me - those 5 years will go by fast. Unfortunately I have to worry about it when dealing with her. It's basically a situation where he got mad at me and went to his mom's. And instead of her seeing it for what it is, she'll take advantage of the situation and try to get custody of him by taking me back to court, and to try and get even more money from me on a monthly basis. I don't mind him staying over there for a while...but I certainly don't want another custody battle in court. She hired a GAL (who was also a lawyer) during the divorce (and I had to pay for the GAL also) to try to get custody of the kids. This GAL recommended, after her investigation, that custody of my son go to me. All of those parameters upon which the GAL based her recommendations are still the same! Certainly the court wouldn't change custody based upon the whims of an adolescent boy? Certainly they wouldn't change custody because he got mad at his dad because he didn't get his way so he went to stay at his mom's?

The part that worries me here is that wife will side with him against you. I think you really need to try to communicate to her from a co-parenting standpoint. And I DO understand how hard that is because my ex was unreasonable and irrational about EVERYTHING to do with our daughter after he left. Luckily - I had sole custody - but still - she is OUR daughter. She will always side with him against me! That's because it's not about him with her...it's about her being able to hurt me and get more money out of me! I've begged her over the years to work together for the benefit of these kids, and she's refused. I'm between a rock and a hard place here.

So - my best advice is to NOT guilt him into coming home just yet or ask for some time with him. He obviously needs some space for a bit. Just letting him know you're there and the door is open is enough in my opinion. I don't intend to guilt him at all. I haven't and I won't. I don't mind giving him space or time, I really don't. I'm concerned though that she'll take advantage of the situation like I mentioned. I intend to let him know that I'm there and the door is open...but sparingly. I don't want to overdo it.

Barb

Thank you for responding.
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"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.

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#2216024 - 01/26/12 10:01 AM Re: Forgiveness [Re: Mach1]
antlers Offline
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Registered: 03/28/09
Posts: 3041
I know he's got a lot of other stuff going on too with school, his peers, puberty, etc. But this separation and divorce has done a number on him. He is very disrespectful toward me. I just hope that he chooses 'to' come back! I know things won't always be rosey, even though his mother says they are 'perfect' when he's with her. How can you enforce "running from one parent to another if he gets upset will not be allowed"? I can discourage it, but I don't see how it can be enforced? I don't like walking on eggshells, it's an awful way to live. What you've said about being the 'safe' parent is something I've heard before. I don't know if that's the case with him but it's certainly possible. Even though I'm his primary custodian, I can't make him stay. I really anxious about the situation, because I've dealt with her for several years now since she left, and I'm concerned she's gonna have me back in court. I do not want that. I do appreciate your response, and it does help.
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"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.

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#2216044 - 01/26/12 11:07 AM Re: Forgiveness [Re: antlers]
Rick1963 Offline
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Registered: 08/11/11
Posts: 2532
Loc: Piney Land
Sorry you are going through this Antlers. A couple of months ago in our divorce care group we had a speaker who spoke about his parents D. He is an adult now.He also lived with his dad and said that every time his dad set limits he would run to his mom. He said he did that because his mom let him do whatever including smoking weed. He said that later on he recented his mother for this. So hang in there and continue being a good role model and dad
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#2216088 - 01/26/12 01:33 PM Re: Forgiveness [Re: Rick1963]
antlers Offline
Member

Registered: 03/28/09
Posts: 3041
Originally Posted By: Rick1963
Sorry you are going through this Antlers. A couple of months ago in our divorce care group we had a speaker who spoke about his parents D. He is an adult now.He also lived with his dad and said that every time his dad set limits he would run to his mom. He said he did that because his mom let him do whatever including smoking weed. He said that later on he recented his mother for this. So hang in there and continue being a good role model and dad

It [censored]. I would like it for her to co-parent these kids with me. They love and need both of us. But whenever he's over there, she feels like she has the upper hand, and she operates from that position. It's less about my son and more about hurting me and getting more money from me.
_________________________
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.

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#2216089 - 01/26/12 01:36 PM Re: Forgiveness [Re: antlers]
antlers Offline
Member

Registered: 03/28/09
Posts: 3041
If anybody is familiar with my thread and my situation and is willing, I'd sure appreciate a sample communication to her requesting that we co-parent these kids because they love us both, and they need us both.
_________________________
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.

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#2216101 - 01/26/12 02:00 PM Re: Forgiveness [Re: antlers]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1692
Originally Posted By: antlers
If anybody is familiar with my thread and my situation and is willing, I'd sure appreciate a sample communication to her requesting that we co-parent these kids because they love us both, and they need us both.


Hey Antlers - I don't think it is going to be as easy as a single communication that get you two to discuss this matter in a constructive way. It is probably going to take the form of several positive interactions between you and your W before she will be open to hearing and changing.

A friend who is D had a very strained R with his ex. Then one day he stopped by to pick up his son and when his ex answered the door, he said hello and simply shook her hand. That one simple gesture of respect opened up other doors for him and his ex to have conversations about what they wanted for their son and how they would achieve that together.

Just something to consider.
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Me48 W50 S15 S11
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Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

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Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

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#2216110 - 01/26/12 02:23 PM Re: Forgiveness [Re: 2thepoint]
antlers Offline
Member

Registered: 03/28/09
Posts: 3041
Originally Posted By: 2thepoint
Originally Posted By: antlers
If anybody is familiar with my thread and my situation and is willing, I'd sure appreciate a sample communication to her requesting that we co-parent these kids because they love us both, and they need us both.


Hey Antlers - I don't think it is going to be as easy as a single communication that get you two to discuss this matter in a constructive way. It is probably going to take the form of several positive interactions between you and your W before she will be open to hearing and changing.

A friend who is D had a very strained R with his ex. Then one day he stopped by to pick up his son and when his ex answered the door, he said hello and simply shook her hand. That one simple gesture of respect opened up other doors for him and his ex to have conversations about what they wanted for their son and how they would achieve that together.

Just something to consider.

Agreed. Just something to get things started though would be nice.
_________________________
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.

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#2216130 - 01/26/12 03:43 PM Re: Forgiveness [Re: antlers]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1692
Ok, how about something like sending an email seeking her advice on some parenting issue you are dealing with. Or if you see her struggling with some parental matter, acknowledging that you see she is struggling and extending an offer of help.

I think you need to approach from a totally neutral, non-blaming angle in order to avoid any defencive reaction.

Say something like, "Ex, I'm having trouble handling this "fill in the blank" situation and wonder if you have any ideas on how I can solve this problem". Or, "I noticed that X happened the other day and was wondering what you were thinking about how we could solve this to our mutual benefit".

Just some little ice breakers to get the ball rolling that can eventually lead to a larger conversation about co-parenting.

Does this help?
_________________________
Me48 W50 S15 S11
M20 T23
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

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#2216138 - 01/26/12 04:20 PM Re: Forgiveness [Re: 2thepoint]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 10536
Loc: west coast
or make sure you send HER copies of the good news from the school AND the bad news...

seek her input and assume the best of her motives...that would be a real 180 for you.

You honestly seem to think she's solely motivated by a desire to hurt you.
I don't buy that. And It sure fuels your negative views of things and helps no one...especially you.

Finally, almost all of this is beyond your control. Remember to let that go.


Remember how you said you were letting go?

so don't get sucked into the parent contest anymore, and don't make this all about YOU and how you will be hurt by it financially or otherwise.

You both love the kids and want what's best for them. Stop assuming, out loud, that she does not.

That's competitive of you, not her. Or it's mutual. LET IT GO...

Back off and focus on the school issues, involving her with them as well.

Give her something to live UP TO, rather than assuming the worst of her, which just fuels more negativity on both sides.
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Be Happy OR be "Right"

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#2216169 - 01/26/12 05:48 PM Re: Forgiveness [Re: 2thepoint]
antlers Offline
Member

Registered: 03/28/09
Posts: 3041
I appreciate the response. Those are good ideas, and good things to say. Thank you. I don't want her to be defensive. I really just want to co-parent our kiddos, for once, since all of this crap began.
_________________________
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.

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