antlers
I suggest trying to set a meeting up with the key players at school yourself to brainstorm about some behavioral interventions that you might try to help refocus son

invite your ex

she may or may not show

but at least you will get some help dealing with your son's behaviors

invite the school vice-principal
counselor
key teachers

express your concerns

ask for help

give any facts that might help them relate to son better

open that door to communication

get everyone you can on that same starting page

don't paint ex as the bad guy even if she is and even if she doesn't show up

there is no bad guy...there are only facts

son needs an adult to take some control

you be that adult

and of course son didn't want to go to that meeting...he was going to have to face the music...who WANTS to do that???

He was found, after 'my' meeting was over. He appeared in the office where his mother was waiting for 'her' meeting. He attended the second meeting with her.

Thank you Barb. I appreciate your comments. It's a heartbreaking situation, and she appears so full of hatred and resentment toward me that she's unwilling to do the right thing for our kids.

Well isn't that convenient?!? Your S leaves the impression that he is the perfect kid as a show for your W. Wonder if they called him out on missing the meeting with you? If not, they should have.

Antlers: I like Fig's suggestion and totally agree. We KNOW that your ex is not going to do the right thing. I can relate (as many others here can). My ex did whatever was "all about him". I could not count on him for anything and that included what was best for the kids. So I always did and learned to keep "zero expectations" of him. However - having custody helped.

Get the school onside with you. Let them see that you are there and you are involved. Son needs to see this as well. Keep a record of what goes down. You might need that info in the future if you do have to go back to court regarding where son will live.

Just leave it be with ex now. You tried to get her support. She is not willing. Just don't let son fall through the cracks of the school system as a result of his indulged behaviour.

Barb

They said that morning there would be consequences, but later on when they told me he was 'found', they led me to believe there would be none. I did question them as to why he was allowed to attend the meeting with his mom when he wasn't present for the meeting with me? They didn't respond...other than to say they wish it would have gone as they planned. His mother told me that son didn't want all of us to be in the same room at the same time, and that if she were as selfish as me that she would have gone along with what the school wanted!

so if your son was there for her meeting the it was really you and her that the son didn't want together since he participated in a meeting with all the key players and his mom

if this is the case then it appears that son has a problem communicating with you

no matter how passive/aggressively your obnoxious ex is putting it

maybe couples counseling with your son to learn how to communicate with him better?


It may have been to conveniently place blame on you or it may honestly be because he feels he can't be open and honest with you for whatever reason

be open to that possibility

offer a solution in going to therapy

"son..I was really looking forward to being able to tell you how much I love you and having you hear all the great things I think you are capable of. I feel like we have lost our ability to communicate and I know I need some help to do that better with you. I would like you to go to see xxx with me to help us learn to talk to each other again."