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#2223127 - 02/17/12 10:14 PM Re: Forgiveness [Re: SunFunOne]
figgeroni Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/09
Posts: 936
antlers
I suggest trying to set a meeting up with the key players at school yourself to brainstorm about some behavioral interventions that you might try to help refocus son

invite your ex

she may or may not show

but at least you will get some help dealing with your son's behaviors

invite the school vice-principal
counselor
key teachers

express your concerns

ask for help

give any facts that might help them relate to son better

open that door to communication

get everyone you can on that same starting page

don't paint ex as the bad guy even if she is and even if she doesn't show up

there is no bad guy...there are only facts

son needs an adult to take some control

you be that adult

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#2223128 - 02/17/12 10:15 PM Re: Forgiveness [Re: figgeroni]
figgeroni Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/09
Posts: 936
and of course son didn't want to go to that meeting...he was going to have to face the music...who WANTS to do that???

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#2223135 - 02/17/12 10:54 PM Re: Forgiveness [Re: 2thepoint]
antlers Offline
Member

Registered: 03/28/09
Posts: 3041
He was found, after 'my' meeting was over. He appeared in the office where his mother was waiting for 'her' meeting. He attended the second meeting with her.
_________________________
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.

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#2223136 - 02/17/12 10:59 PM Re: Forgiveness [Re: SunFunOne]
antlers Offline
Member

Registered: 03/28/09
Posts: 3041
Thank you Barb. I appreciate your comments. It's a heartbreaking situation, and she appears so full of hatred and resentment toward me that she's unwilling to do the right thing for our kids.
_________________________
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.

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#2223158 - 02/18/12 12:37 AM Re: Forgiveness [Re: antlers]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1692
Originally Posted By: antlers
He was found, after 'my' meeting was over. He appeared in the office where his mother was waiting for 'her' meeting. He attended the second meeting with her.


Well isn't that convenient?!? Your S leaves the impression that he is the perfect kid as a show for your W. Wonder if they called him out on missing the meeting with you? If not, they should have.
_________________________
Me48 W50 S15 S11
M20 T23
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

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#2223172 - 02/18/12 07:26 AM Re: Forgiveness [Re: 2thepoint]
SunFunOne Offline
Member

Registered: 05/18/09
Posts: 2414
Antlers: I like Fig's suggestion and totally agree. We KNOW that your ex is not going to do the right thing. I can relate (as many others here can). My ex did whatever was "all about him". I could not count on him for anything and that included what was best for the kids. So I always did and learned to keep "zero expectations" of him. However - having custody helped.

Get the school onside with you. Let them see that you are there and you are involved. Son needs to see this as well. Keep a record of what goes down. You might need that info in the future if you do have to go back to court regarding where son will live.

Just leave it be with ex now. You tried to get her support. She is not willing. Just don't let son fall through the cracks of the school system as a result of his indulged behaviour.

Barb

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#2223217 - 02/18/12 11:06 AM Re: Forgiveness [Re: 2thepoint]
antlers Offline
Member

Registered: 03/28/09
Posts: 3041
Originally Posted By: 2thepoint
Originally Posted By: antlers
He was found, after 'my' meeting was over. He appeared in the office where his mother was waiting for 'her' meeting. He attended the second meeting with her.


Well isn't that convenient?!? Your S leaves the impression that he is the perfect kid as a show for your W. Wonder if they called him out on missing the meeting with you? If not, they should have.

They said that morning there would be consequences, but later on when they told me he was 'found', they led me to believe there would be none. I did question them as to why he was allowed to attend the meeting with his mom when he wasn't present for the meeting with me? They didn't respond...other than to say they wish it would have gone as they planned. His mother told me that son didn't want all of us to be in the same room at the same time, and that if she were as selfish as me that she would have gone along with what the school wanted!
_________________________
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.

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#2223225 - 02/18/12 12:05 PM Re: Forgiveness [Re: figgeroni]
antlers Offline
Member

Registered: 03/28/09
Posts: 3041
Originally Posted By: figgeroni
I suggest trying to set a meeting up with the key players at school yourself to brainstorm about some behavioral interventions that you might try to help refocus son That's what this meeting was for! And she circumvented it.
invite your ex...she may or may not show...but at least you will get some help dealing with your son's behaviors...invite the school vice-principal...counselor...key teachers...express your concerns...ask for help...give any facts that might help them relate to son better...open that door to communication...get everyone you can on that same starting page She was invited, and she showed. The "team meeting" was all about opening the door to communication between us all and to get us all on the same page as a 'united front' to help my son and show him concern. All of the key players you mentioned were there. They expressed their concerns and I expressed mine. They asked for my help and I asked them for their continued efforts. This meeting was supposed to do everything you mentioned in your post...but it turned out the way it did.
don't paint ex as the bad guy even if she is and even if she doesn't show up
there is no bad guy...there are only facts...son needs an adult to take some control...you be that adult I have no intention of making her look bad; my intention has been stated clearly in many posts here and communications with her. I'm doing everything in reason that I can under the present circumstances.
_________________________
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.

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#2223300 - 02/18/12 06:25 PM Re: Forgiveness [Re: SunFunOne]
antlers Offline
Member

Registered: 03/28/09
Posts: 3041
Originally Posted By: SunFunOne
Antlers: I like Fig's suggestion and totally agree. We KNOW that your ex is not going to do the right thing. I can relate (as many others here can). My ex did whatever was "all about him". I could not count on him for anything and that included what was best for the kids. So I always did and learned to keep "zero expectations" of him. However - having custody helped. It's a shame that she still has so much hatred and resentment toward me that it continues to affect our ability to do the right things for the benefit of our kids. She's "moved on" and has somebody else too. It'd sure be nice if things were otherwise. I still have hope that they can be.

Get the school onside with you. Let them see that you are there and you are involved. Son needs to see this as well. Keep a record of what goes down. You might need that info in the future if you do have to go back to court regarding where son will live. I've communicated a bunch with the school. They know the situation. I've got all of the e-mails and texts saved.

Just leave it be with ex now. You tried to get her support. She is not willing. Just don't let son fall through the cracks of the school system as a result of his indulged behaviour. It was an honest attempt, with the well-being of our kids THE priority.

_________________________
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.

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#2223406 - 02/19/12 10:26 AM Re: Forgiveness [Re: antlers]
figgeroni Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/09
Posts: 936
so if your son was there for her meeting the it was really you and her that the son didn't want together since he participated in a meeting with all the key players and his mom

if this is the case then it appears that son has a problem communicating with you

no matter how passive/aggressively your obnoxious ex is putting it

maybe couples counseling with your son to learn how to communicate with him better?


It may have been to conveniently place blame on you or it may honestly be because he feels he can't be open and honest with you for whatever reason

be open to that possibility

offer a solution in going to therapy

"son..I was really looking forward to being able to tell you how much I love you and having you hear all the great things I think you are capable of. I feel like we have lost our ability to communicate and I know I need some help to do that better with you. I would like you to go to see xxx with me to help us learn to talk to each other again."

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