Together since we were 15...Part 3

[Jenna333]

Previous threads:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2207756&page=1

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2211588#Post2211588

Synopsis of my sitch so far: A week before my partner of almost 9 years dropped the bomb on me, he told me he was confused about how he felt for me. He said he didn't feel as intensely for me, but was still in love with me and wasn't leaving. It freaked me out, to say the least. We'd been having problems, but that was the first time he sat me down to tell me anything like that. After that I tried to make things better, but felt no response from him. 1 week later he tells me he's not in love with me and wants to have his own life. He told me this on the night we got our Christmas tree. Lovely memories, eh?

I asked him to move out 3 days later. He stays in a spare bedroom at his mom's. Tomorrow marks 7 weeks since the bomb drop. Gradually he has come to tell me that he never fell out of love with me, he was just 'numb' when he told me that. I found out he lied up until the end of our relationship. I was depressed and controlling and he would lie to me. I found out he started texting and hanging out with other women very soon after leaving me. We've slept together 3 times during the split. Not going to happen anymore. He's told me he's still in love with me and feels we owe it to each other to lead our own life, and if we come back together naturally, then we're meant to be.

I decided (finally) to not let him cake eat anymore, and to not share my personal life with him. He FREAKED about it the other day. Begging and pleading me to tell him if I've kissed/slept with someone else. He seems to have gone temporarily (hopefully its temporary) insane. He told me that this new person I'm becoming is more and more appealing by the day.

BUT he's not back home. I think maybe he doesn't want me, but doesn't want anyone else to have me I think he said all of that because he assumed I'm seeing someone and I didn't correct him. And I won't. It's not his business, and he needs to face that I will see others it he doesn't wake up and come back to his family.

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He called me at 3:30 this morning. It rang once. What the heck? A friend of mine thinks he was making sure I wasn't in bed with someone else. Maybe it's because I keep reminding him to text me instead of call, and he's not liking having lost the control.

Dealing with a cake eater has me feeling like I need to work in reverse. I'm making him feel the effects of NOT having me. He's not liking it. He has reached out to me more since I quit sharing with him. But it still doesn't mean that he'll come home. I know I will be ok if he doesn't. I've learned to recognize my self-worth and I'm learning to love myself and become independent. It feels great.

We're meeting at the bank this afternoon to take me off of our joint account.

[purgatory]

Wow! You have come leaps and bounds in such a short time! I'm envious of you I still fight with the fact that I *logically* know what I need to do and putting Ito action....

I think it's awesome that he's freaking out! Lol!! It just proves how much of a cake eater he was really being.... And now that he's living the reality of his decision, he doesn't like it. I need to read your posts everyday to remind myself that even though they get angry and upset- pulling away from them really can work!

I hope the bank goes smoothly!

[Oneeleven]

Ya, your sitch *really* doesn't sound permanant to me. He really sounded like he was ... testing you with all this (for lack of a better description).



I think you're doing fantastic and hope it all works out.

[Jenna333]

I'm not sure how to feel right now

We met at the bank to close our going account and open m up a new one. While there, a teller was flirting with me. As we went to sit down, J said, "That guy is looking for an ass whooping." Lol! I was kind of dressed up and looking good. I was very detached with J at the bank. As we left it was raining. I was getting S in the car and J asked to sit in my car to talk with me. I started to protest, but gave in. We talked for about an hour. He was very vulnerable. He asked me if I ever think of him and getting back together, because he does. He asked AGAIN if I slept with someone, but I stayed firm and told him we shouldn't talk about our personal lives. He said he can see himself happy with the person that I'm becoming, but feels we aren't ready to be back together yet. He said in the past few days he realized that he lost his best friend.

I had been doing SO WELL with the detaching. But that conversation messed me up. I called him a bit later and we talked for 2 hours. I needed straight answers. He said he was trying to let me go and move on, but that he really wants to get to know the person that I'm becoming. I got him to admit that he still wants to see what wise is out there. He said there are some interesting people, but none of them are me. He's missing ME as a person now, rather than missing the habits of being in a relationship. He said he realizes that he has a lot of changes to make. He said he has realized that the lying goes deeper than a reaction to my controlling behavior and that he can't blame me for it.

He said a lot of what he's been saying for weeks now. I told him that I'm starting the process of moving on and that this is a huge gamble to make. He said he doesn't feel ready for us to be together right now, that if he comes back he wants it to be when he's in the right frame of mind. I agree with that. He said he hopes we get to that place.

I just don't know what to be feeling right now! We're going back to the boundaries set in place. He said he won't talk about the R anymore unless I initiate (which I won't).

In the car I looked him in the eye and said, "I don't want to sleep with you anymore. At all." He started crying and said that hearing that hurt, but he understands.

We're meeting somewhere tomorrow to fill out the joint custody/child support forms.

What should I be doing?!

[Jenna333]

I guess I feel like he's testing his feelings for me. He wonders if he could be happy with someone else. That makes me mad I just can't talk to him about the R at all anymore. Each time he gets closer to saying he wants to come home, but still doesn't.

I wouldn't want him to come home right now, so I'm also dealing with those conflicting feelings. I would want him to if he wholeheartedly wanted to. I asked him why he brought all of that up if he knew he wasn't ready to come back s d he said he misses me and feels more like we could be together if we both 'get our sh!t together'. I feel frustrated. Help! He said my detaching made him feel like there was no hope. I made it very clear that I'm not waiting around for him and he said he doesn't want me to wait. I told him I feel I'm starting to move on and he said he understands. I don't get it! If he gets all emotional and thinks of coming home and freaks at the thought of me with someone else, how can he let me go? He seems very infatuated with the woman I'm becoming. I stupidly asked him if he'd want to date me and he said yes. I'm not open to that unless it would be exclusive, which it wouldn't be. Why is he testing us like this? It's so unfair.

[Jenna333]

Oh, he said he feels like this is getting harder for him while it's getting easier for me. By the end of our convo, he said the thought of me with someone else doesn't hurt him as much and he doesn't really want to know. I feel like an idiot. I feel like I am helping him to get over me! What am I doing?! This is not unrecoverable, right? Yeesh, I haven't felt this vulnerable and uncertain in a while now.

Would going dim/dark and mysterious again be the best course of action?

[greenblue90]

Keep doing what you are doing

Here's just some comments from the peanut gallery.

He's depressed, and this is killing his determination, and ambition. He is stuck so deep in his own pit of self pity that he can't see himself succeeding at work, school, or even his personal relationships.

This is something only he can affect. He has to hit rock bottom, and then from there decide he wants things to improve. Sounds like he is still to content with just getting by or worse watch everything he's ever wanted slip away.

I suspect at some point you subconciously realized this, and started nagging him in the hopes to get him moving. (I infer this from his complaint that you were too controlling.)

At the same time you were too afraid to leave, and rather than improve without him you chose stagnation for yourself too. It soothed his own inadequacies, while providing an excuse for you to not outpace him and be disapointed in him.

Now that you are improving himself it is proving his inner fears that he is not good enough for you, and was probably a hinderence all along.

Expect him to get worse the better you get.

He needs to get to the point where he says:

"I deserve good grades"

"I deserve a good job"

"I deserve Jenna"

"I WILL fight for all these things"

If becoming a strong man is his end goal, then he needs to start on his journey.

You can't drag him along, and must continue on yours. If you decide to get off the path to cheer him on you'll find that he may never get on it. He has no reason to, you are already there with him.

If you continue on the path and he sees himself left behind then he may finally get the motivation to get up of his feet and chase you down the path.

Keep in mind that there is a chance he decides to never take the journey, or once you get going he may never catch up, and you may not want to slow down for him

Just keep going, shoot for straight A's!!

[Jenna333]

Thanks so much for saying all of that, GB. He is starting to realize that he needs to change. He even said he agrees that counseling would be a must for us in order to get back together. HUGE 180 for him. He said he'd want to do it right and give us the best chance. He also said he feels he'd drag me down at this point, and he needs to do some of his own changes on his own before he can think of worrying about healing our R.

[Jenna333]

Wow. Do you think he really could be being honest when he says he doesn't feel like he's grown as much as me and that he needs to catch up to where I am if we have a chance of making it together? He said he doesn't want to mess up my growth and he worries that he would sink the relationship at this point.

So, I guess I just go back to being my happy self around him (funny, it's no longer an act, around him or not!). I need to stay firm with the boundaries. He needs to learn to respect me. He said that to me today. I need to look cute around him He told me that I looked so pretty today.

[Jenna333]

Anyone else have any input? I'd really appreciate it!

I bawled on my way to my mom's to pick up the kids last night. There was a detour and I had to drive right by his work. I saw his car. If we were together, I would have stopped in and surprised him.

S and I are meeting him in a couple of hours. J didn't like my new boundary of not coming inside my house, but understands.

I think a big part of me worries he is just wanting what he can't have. He knows I wouldn't take him back unless he wanted to come home more than anything, and he doesn't feel ready for that yet. He seemed so scared and sad yesterday when he was asking me if he's the only one that thinks about our relationship. I told him I feel like he keeps checking me to make sure I haven't moved on. He said he isn't, but that he's having a very hard time letting me go. I think he wants to let the *old* me go, not the new me. Wishful thinking. I wasn't making much eye contact with him yesterday. He asked me if I'm having a hard time looking at him. I'm not, I just don't want that connection, if that makes sense. I'm stronger when I feel detached from him. He has said many times that he feels it's unfair that he spent almost 9 years with a shell of who I really am and that it took him leaving for me to blossom. I was the first to say I felt like a shell of a person for so long, and that really stuck with him. I said that soon after he left. He said he feels he doesn't really know me. He's intrigued by the new me and says its so great to see me changing, but it hurts him at the same time.

The big 180 for him yesterday was him focusing on his issues for once. He said he's done a lot of thinking and realized his lying issues stem from before he even met me and they aren't a result of anything I did. That was just how he'd rationalize it. He said he doesn't feel like he really knows himself. He was too immersed in our relationship as well to have his own identity. That surprised me to hear. He was gung-ho about counseling! That was a trip. He has always been so against it. He seemed almost excited to think of us being together again...someday, not now.

He keeps asking me where I am in my menstrual cycle. A part of me wonders if he is secretly hoping I am pregnant with his baby. He said he'd definitely come home if I were. I'm not pregnant, and I don't want to be. I don't know, it's just his tone when he brings it up that makes me think that on some level, he wants me to be pregnant so that he has a pressing reason to come back, because he's scared to make the choice to on his own. He said in many different ways yesterday that he doesn't feel like he's good enough for me right now and that he needs to become a stronger, more confident person...a person that I deserve.

I just know that I can't make the mistake of talking to him about the R anymore unless he wants to come home. I feel like I gave him tips on how to let me go! I didn't mean to. I'm having a hard time articulating my thoughts. I just don't want to do/say anything to help him to move on. He says he doesn't want to hold me back from living my life throughout all of this and he doesn't want me waiting for him...but when I tell him that I won't be sleeping with him again unless we're in a committed R, I don't want the person that he is right now, I am starting to move on...he panics. It all comes back to me feeling like he's testing us. I feel like he won't come back until he has experienced an R with someone else. He says no, he won't be comparing me to anyone else, but then he says other things that show otherwise (like when he said he's met some interesting people, but they aren't me). He said he wants to be the man that I deserve and he'd love to be with me forever, but he isn't ready.

He also said the 3am call was a total accident, and he canceled it when he realized he tapped on my name instead of his buddy's. That would explain why it only rang once or twice. Kinda bummed me out to hear that. I was hoping that he was missing me and called because of that. Oh well.

It's always a bit strange and awkward to go back to detaching and speaking to him about official business only after connecting with him and talking about the old R and possible future R.

I don't want to negatively project, but I don't feel like we'll ever reconcile