NOTICE: In order to help the OnLine Community run more efficiently, we will be pruning the boards over the next few weeks. If there are any Topics or Posts you want to keep, please save them soon.
Page 2 of 18 < 1 2 3 4 ... 17 18 >
Topic Options
#2211440 - 01/09/12 02:57 PM Re: W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P2 [Re: ANS]
MrBond Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 10368
Don't know if you're taking in what people are posting to you, but I'll give it another shot.

The reason why she's not moving and you're not moving is because of your expectations again and mindreading (which stems from your expectations). Sometimes it makes you come across as a strong personality, which isn't the best way to gain your W's trust. She has to feel that you're not going to throw things back in her face. You haven't, but I'm sure that's a vibe she feels since it comes across in your posts.

Case in point:
"Well, we have our dinner last Friday and it was less then satisfactory. "

It wasn't satisfactory to YOU. Maybe it was to her. It could have been a very positive step forward until you pushed the R talk. See you had two choices at that point: 1) Enjoy the time you had alone together, or 2) Push the issue that she's been shy about. You chose the latter.

"She just wants to sit on the white picket fence forever and flip flop on things. "

No she doesn't. That's your interpretation.

IMHO, you just need to have fun with her. Get her to relax so she's not so guarded around you. It's obvious from what you've posted about her that she feels scared. If you want to save your M, you have to make he feel safe, which is the number one need of women from men.

Compassion and understanding might get you further than pushing. Maybe not as fast as you would like it to, but enough to get the ball rolling.
_________________________
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

Top
#2211441 - 01/09/12 03:00 PM Re: W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P2 [Re: ANS]
Snowman Offline
Member

Registered: 09/12/11
Posts: 148
Andy,

I have read it and had been doing the LRT for quite sometime. Then she opened up and starting saying stuff about our R like she wanted to work on it. I know I should not be in pursuit or whatever but when she said she wanted to talk that usually means a person wants to talk. The only expectation I had was that she would talk and no other.

I feel like she is playing games with me by saying that stuff she did by text earlier and then saying different when she talks. I have not pressured and pursue for quite sometime until she acted like she wanted to. I know I did some backsliding but man this is crazy.

Most people when they make a promise to do something they do it. If I say I promise to call someone I do it. I don't sweep it under the rug like it doesn't matter and ignore like it will go away. I know I'm venting right now and frustrated but geez!

Should I stop all talks of counseling? Should I just continue allowing her to not make a decision forever? I will try to get back on track but I don't want to drag this thing through 2012 as well.

I don't even know if saying something like good luck at school is allowed at this point. I try so hard to not have expectations but I don't want to live like this forever. If she truly doesn't want to work on our R I would like to know. I will continue working on me but I don't think she really cares. She is more worried about her and the OM(s). Feeling like a door mat I have to say.
_________________________
Me:29
W:28
S:2
M: 5 years
Bomb: 7-26-11
Separated: 8-20-11
EA w/ multiple OMs
W filed 1/2012

Top
#2211465 - 01/09/12 04:37 PM Re: W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P2 [Re: Snowman]
ANS Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/01
Posts: 2694
Hi Snowman,

I understand what you're saying. Sorry if my last post sounded a bit terse, but it just sounded like things were reverting to the same-old same-old.

I think MrBond has a good point, though. You are listening to your W's words, and then (of course), interpreting them literally. The kicker is, that the best politician in the world can't think so fast that you can take him/her at their word all of the time.

Allow me to illustrate...

Me: I asked her again if she was going to call the C?
W: Claims yet again she has been so busy at work that she has not had time (what a lame excuse).

If she had time to think, maybe she would have come up with a different answer. Or, maybe she would have phrased it differently.

Me: I ask what she is afraid of calling the counselor?
W: I'm not afraid I'm just busy. Maybe me not calling is saying something.

She has already told you this. Put yourself in her shoes... Does it sound like her H is listening to her?

Me: I want to go to counseling so we can talk about this stuff and understand our issues. The counselor is not going to force you or me to do anything we don't want to.
Me: I would like to know what you want to do about counseling next week as you have been promising for weeks you will call. This has been going on for 6 months and should be enough time to figure out.
W: I know, I will think about it this weekend and let you know.

You kinda backed her into a corner, wouldn't you say?


I don't want to sound like I'm nitpicking at what you posted (didn't I just suggest you stop doing that to your W? wink ), but just trying to show you what I'm talking about.

A WAW feels trapped. That's why she wants to walk. You have to avoid making her feel even more trapped, y'know?
_________________________
Andy

Top
#2211570 - 01/10/12 12:02 AM Re: W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P2 [Re: ANS]
Snowman Offline
Member

Registered: 09/12/11
Posts: 148
Andy,

Thanks for you great advice and perspective. Its getting hard to be patient or not pressure as my family and even her own mother wants me to call her bluff so to speak and put pressure on.

My wife is basically having her cake and eating it to with life. She is enjoying her single lifestyle of partying, drinking(which didn't do before), and planning trips all with a good use of credit cards that we are all sure of. Everyone asks me how she can afford this and she can't. Many have said she needs to grow up and I can't disagree.

I want to believe she will choose to come back from the aliens that abducted her but no one seems to think so.

I will not trap her in corners with questions but I will not go months more sitting in limbo waiting for a person that acts like a teenager and not deciding to address the problems that are not going away. That I will commit that I will not do.

I want to be supportive and open to things but not while she is playing games with me and choosing her new lifestyle over her family. She doesn't even respect our agreement on joint expenses and our joint account for them. Meanwhile she books a trip but use the account for a non-joint expense. This is getting old and the childish comments on FB about drinking, disrespect by going out with her friends on our anniversary after telling me she maybe wants to go to dinner with me and telling me she has to work late, and then posting about booking her half marathon trip when she has no money. The lying just never ends. Why should someone put up with this?
_________________________
Me:29
W:28
S:2
M: 5 years
Bomb: 7-26-11
Separated: 8-20-11
EA w/ multiple OMs
W filed 1/2012

Top
#2211616 - 01/10/12 08:35 AM Re: W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P2 [Re: Snowman]
ANS Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/01
Posts: 2694
Hi Snowman,

Originally Posted By: Snowman
Its getting hard to be patient or not pressure as my family and even her own mother wants me to call her bluff so to speak and put pressure on.
yeah. It's hard. No argument there.

Originally Posted By: Snowman
My wife is basically having her cake and eating it to with life...
Many have said she needs to grow up and I can't disagree.
Nope. I don't disagree either.

Originally Posted By: Snowman
I want to believe she will choose to come back from the aliens that abducted her but no one seems to think so.
I wish I could tell you that she'll wake up and smell the coffee, but unfortunately, I don't have a christal ball. I don't know your W, and frankly, I don't even think her family and friends do at this point.

Originally Posted By: Snowman
I will not trap her in corners with questions but I will not go months more sitting in limbo waiting for a person that acts like a teenager and not deciding to address the problems that are not going away. That I will commit that I will not do.
That's the balance you have to find. DB is not about being a doormat. It's about taking the high road without letting her trample on you.

Originally Posted By: Snowman
I want to be supportive and open to things but not while she is playing games with me and choosing her new lifestyle over her family. She doesn't even respect our agreement on joint expenses and our joint account for them. Meanwhile she books a trip but use the account for a non-joint expense. This is getting old and the childish comments on FB about drinking, disrespect by going out with her friends on our anniversary after telling me she maybe wants to go to dinner with me and telling me she has to work late, and then posting about booking her half marathon trip when she has no money. The lying just never ends. Why should someone put up with this?
You shouldn't have to put up with this. The real question is what do you do about it. Unfortunately, when ones spouse feels s/he has a legitimate right to do whatever s/he wants, putting pressure on him/her to do otherwise only serves to pull you apart. catch-22.

I think the only way to be supportive without getting tromped on is to stuff our feelings (about childish comments on FB, etc.) but not to go so far as to financially support her antics. In other words, not to oppose her, but at the same time do not support things that are just not right. In other words, don't put pressure on her. Allow the pressure to come from the reality of what she's doing.

That begs the question... How do I do that?

Wish I had an answer to that question, Snowman. If there's a way to stop her from using family finances for her own use, it may be worth some consideration. However, I'm sure she'll find a way of saying that you're being controlling if you try to cut her financing.

It can be a very slow process that can push your patience to the limit, but I think that - in practical terms - the only way to get someone to understand the consequences of their actions is to let them see the consequences without trying to influence them yourself (either positively or negatively). I.e.: don't support or oppose.

Ya can't push on a string.
_________________________
Andy

Top
#2211678 - 01/10/12 12:14 PM Re: W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P2 [Re: ANS]
Starsky309 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 4429
Loc: Florida
Originally Posted By: ANS
Hi Snowman,

Originally Posted By: Snowman
Its getting hard to be patient or not pressure as my family and even her own mother wants me to call her bluff so to speak and put pressure on.
yeah. It's hard. No argument there.

Originally Posted By: Snowman
My wife is basically having her cake and eating it to with life...
Many have said she needs to grow up and I can't disagree.
Nope. I don't disagree either.

Originally Posted By: Snowman
I want to believe she will choose to come back from the aliens that abducted her but no one seems to think so.
I wish I could tell you that she'll wake up and smell the coffee, but unfortunately, I don't have a christal ball. I don't know your W, and frankly, I don't even think her family and friends do at this point.

Originally Posted By: Snowman
I will not trap her in corners with questions but I will not go months more sitting in limbo waiting for a person that acts like a teenager and not deciding to address the problems that are not going away. That I will commit that I will not do.
That's the balance you have to find. DB is not about being a doormat. It's about taking the high road without letting her trample on you.

Originally Posted By: Snowman
I want to be supportive and open to things but not while she is playing games with me and choosing her new lifestyle over her family. She doesn't even respect our agreement on joint expenses and our joint account for them. Meanwhile she books a trip but use the account for a non-joint expense. This is getting old and the childish comments on FB about drinking, disrespect by going out with her friends on our anniversary after telling me she maybe wants to go to dinner with me and telling me she has to work late, and then posting about booking her half marathon trip when she has no money. The lying just never ends. Why should someone put up with this?
You shouldn't have to put up with this. The real question is what do you do about it. Unfortunately, when ones spouse feels s/he has a legitimate right to do whatever s/he wants, putting pressure on him/her to do otherwise only serves to pull you apart. catch-22.

I think the only way to be supportive without getting tromped on is to stuff our feelings (about childish comments on FB, etc.) but not to go so far as to financially support her antics. In other words, not to oppose her, but at the same time do not support things that are just not right. In other words, don't put pressure on her. Allow the pressure to come from the reality of what she's doing.

That begs the question... How do I do that?

Wish I had an answer to that question, Snowman. If there's a way to stop her from using family finances for her own use, it may be worth some consideration. However, I'm sure she'll find a way of saying that you're being controlling if you try to cut her financing.

It can be a very slow process that can push your patience to the limit, but I think that - in practical terms - the only way to get someone to understand the consequences of their actions is to let them see the consequences without trying to influence them yourself (either positively or negatively). I.e.: don't support or oppose.

Ya can't push on a string.


Disagree. It's true that Snowman can't stop his wife from running away from their marriage, but there's also absolutely NO REASON why Snowman must finance her flight.

It would be wise to separate your finances -- including a legal agreement -- while she is in her current wayward/runaway wife mindset. Talk to a good family law attorney, and find out what your rights and responsibilities are here.


Starsky
_________________________
At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)

Top
#2211874 - 01/11/12 12:19 AM Re: W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P2 [Re: Starsky309]
Snowman Offline
Member

Registered: 09/12/11
Posts: 148
Mr. Bond I somehow didn't even see your post before I replied to Andy. I agree with what you have to say and I would like to just have fun with her but the intentions of the dinner was to talk about us as she even said lets go to dinner and talk. Apparently she really didn't want to do that but I'm not a mind reader as you have pointed out numerous times. I would like my W to feel safe but she has mad it way hard to do so and I think she knows it. She didn't even dare to go to my sisters house to pick up my S. This is the sister and BIL that she wanted to meet with months ago to talk about things.

Do you think I should go back to no contact unless she initiates it?

As far as finances, I'm pretty much paying for everything that is a joint expense now since she has been such a flake on contributing to paying for anything like auto insurance, cell phone, or other joint things. she kicked me off her health insurance without really telling me until I asked her about it because it was open enrollment. I'm just going to switch most the bills to pay out of my account and stop contributing to the joint account. That will remedy that.

On top of all this she had told her lawyer to file in earlier December but the L never did anything for weeks so she thought the L had stopped. Then in the 1st week of January I get a solicitation from a random lawyer saying that according to the state court records I'm a respondent in a divorce proceeding and I should call them to use their service. I texted her about it and she said she was not sure. A week later she confirmed that the L had filed. As you can imagine I was frustrated as she is texting saying stuff about wanting to work on it and missing us but she filed. This is the games I refer to. At this point I'm not sure were we stand but I have not been given papers but saying you didn't know your lawyer was going to file is silly!

Some days I can live without even thinking about it and do pretty wells and other days it just gets to me. I pretty much feel divorced already the way my life has been. I don't know where to go from here???
_________________________
Me:29
W:28
S:2
M: 5 years
Bomb: 7-26-11
Separated: 8-20-11
EA w/ multiple OMs
W filed 1/2012

Top
#2211927 - 01/11/12 09:22 AM Re: W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P2 [Re: Starsky309]
ANS Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/01
Posts: 2694
Originally Posted By: Starsky309
Disagree. It's true that Snowman can't stop his wife from running away from their marriage, but there's also absolutely NO REASON why Snowman must finance her flight.
Not sure what you disagree with, Starsky. Maybe I didn't state it as forcefully as you, but I think we agree on this point.
Originally Posted By: ANS
If there's a way to stop her from using family finances for her own use, it may be worth some consideration. However, I'm sure she'll find a way of saying that you're being controlling if you try to cut her financing.
I'm not suggesting that Snoman "finances her flight." All I'm saying here is to expect a blowout if he makes a move on the finances.
_________________________
Andy

Top
#2211967 - 01/11/12 12:01 PM Re: W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P2 [Re: ANS]
Starsky309 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 4429
Loc: Florida

Originally Posted By: ANS
If there's a way to stop her from using family finances for her own use, it may be worth some consideration. However, I'm sure she'll find a way of saying that you're being controlling if you try to cut her financing.
I'm not suggesting that Snoman "finances her flight." All I'm saying here is to expect a blowout if he makes a move on the finances. [/quote]

What we're disagreeing on is the degree to which he should factor in his wife's potential anger ("blowout") and accusations ("you're so controlling!") to his decision-making process.

I'm suggesting ZERO. smirk

He should focus on PROTECTING HIMSELF, his finances, and his family, and making sure he understands (and is following) his legal rights and responsibilities. His wayward wife's reactions to that I care not one whit, nor should he.


Starsky
_________________________
At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)

Top
#2211981 - 01/11/12 12:47 PM Re: W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P2 [Re: ANS]
gman Offline
Member

Registered: 01/18/10
Posts: 374
Loc: Michigan
my advice...until she stops with the other guys on her own there is no way she will see through the haze....she still believes the grass is greener on the other side
_________________________
M-37 W-36
S-11, S-9, D-4
PA exposed 3/13/10
10/19/10 moving on...
most up to date sit

Top
Page 2 of 18 < 1 2 3 4 ... 17 18 >


Moderator:  dbmod, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004