hope you love her, cause you're stuck with her now

[MichelleLT]

Yeah, figures.


(((Jeff)))

[kat727]

Actually, I thought it was fine but I'm not a guy so what do I know? Big hugs sweetie.

Kat

[MichelleLT]

I left more in than Jeff would be happy with.

I really did feel the need to make it clear that we are not on the same page in this whole thing as he seems hell bent to make it out to be a mutual break up.

(((Kat)))

[desert_rat]

It's ok! I just thought it came across as too friendly, ironically!

[MichelleLT]

Reply already

Michelle,

I understand why you won't be coming to the party and I will tell your friends that they are excused from coming since u will not be there.
As for the issues, lack of arguments and the mindset being insurmountable, that is not my feeling at this time...
I have brought up these issues NUMEROUS times and said that I was unhappy. (Not recently that's for sure)
You would sit there in silence and never retort, comment or defend yourself in those cases. (He always talks to fast for me. By the time I'm dealing with number 1, he's on number 5 and impatient. I've told him I need him to slow down, but he acts like it's an option for me, like I just want more time, not that I NEED more time. And I certainly don't do it to infuriate him)
Overall though, i feel that every time we do talk I do all the talking and I get almost no response from you each time... It is infuriating.
You did attempt a few things and those things I did appreciate greatly.
I could go on and discuss this in writing but prefer to do it in person.
Perhaps one day when you decide to open yourself up and volunteer your emotions, feelings and what makes you tick then we can have a discussion.

I do miss you and Kelsey and hopefully the pain will pass and we can be friends again.

Me

[MichelleLT]

My reply:

I don't LIKE to take time to reply to you. I don't LIKE to have time to formulate an answer. I NEED time.

Something happens in my brain when things get beyond a certain stress level. It's like my brain shuts down in some survival mode where emotions don't matter, no, don't exist. Blame my Dad, blame Neal, blame whomever you want, but this is the reality I live with. I literally have to sit there and pry it out of myself. I start by asking myself how I feel about what you just said. Good or bad emotion? Bad. Okay then, what emotion exactly, hurt? No, that doesn't sound right. Betrayed, no not that either. Angry? Maybe. What about it makes me angry? By the time I've gotten here you've long moved on and now I'm trying to follow my own train of thought as well as deal with the new stuff you are bringing up. I don't do it on purpose. I don't do it to infuriate you or dodge issues. In fact, I hate it when you raise issues, assume my silence means I'm not going to respond, and either move on to another topic or drop the conversation because then I am not only left trying to sort through the morass of thoughts in my head but trying to figure out a time to bring it up with you and no time ever seems good.

[MichelleLT]

His reply:

Michelle I don't blame anyone from your life.
Actually in fact I sometimes blame myself for not being patient enough.
I understand you have communication issues, but from my point of view it looks like avoidance when i hear not a peep. Not even a "i don't know and can't respond right now" .
I don't know that you want to talk about it. That makes it appears that it gets brushed aside. That's what is frustrating.
The issue never returned to, when you are ready and ask to talk about it... that's why i think it get's chucked.
This makes me feel like my arguements are worthless sometimes.
After 3 years I would have hoped you would have at least said something to me about our communication issues. I thought i had mentioned that it bothered me.

[MichelleLT]

And my response:

Yeah well, when you don't give me the time to respond, I feel like my thoughts and feelings aren't worth waiting for. So I empathize with you. And I'm very sorry you feel that way, that was never my intention. And I'm sure you never meant to make me feel dismissed either.

I don't feel like you are getting it. My mind literally goes blank. There's nothing. Saying "I can't respond to that right now" would require me to actually form the thought that I couldn't respond to that right now. When what I'm fighting against is literally nothing. It's like fighting through breakwater and sucking in foam, just trying to figure out which way is up.

And I don't want to talk about it later. If I'm already gonna deal with the morass of thoughts and try and pick feelings out of wherever they run and hide, I'd rather only do it once. What I want is for you to be even more patient (you are pretty patient with me, I really can't criticize for that). What I want is for you to be more focused and let me try and work through one issue at a time. Even help me by asking questions, but not by tabling it for later. Then we have to live with the distance, the unresolved issues, for even longer. And there's enough of those to choke on already.

As for bringing things up when I'm ready, I'll never be ready. So I just have to pick my half baked time to jump in. And no time ever feels right or good. And frankly, I haven't felt that you were very approachable the last few months. Anyways, enough with my excuses. I know it's a problem, I know plenty about why it's a problem, but that doesn't make it better. I need to keep working on coping with it, just like I've spent the last 4 years trying to learn how to do.

As for you telling me that you want to improve our communication, yes you have brought it up. Not recently, but you have brought it up. It's perfectly clear to me that it bothers you. It bothers me as well. And it bothers me that it bothers you. And it bothers me that I have apparently never managed to convey to you that it bothers me.

Your arguments aren't worthless. Your feelings aren't worthless. And I'm sorry I ever made you feel differently.

[MichelleLT]

Anyways. Pick me all to pieces.

I've got a fire going in the fireplace, drinking some apple cider, and re-watching some Doctor Who. Took the dog for an extra long walk to clear my head. exercise definitely helps.

[mishka422]

No picking you to pieces. I really think you said what needed to be said. It's up to him how he receives it.

So, this shutting down thing.....I had no idea you were facing that. Do you think it's something you could seek therapy for? It sounds like a major mental block and there must be some sort of a key you could unlock that with. Hmmmm........