*sigh* Roger is over getting more stuff. Since he's taking his speaker system he is hooking up a smaller one for me. I appreciate that he's being so nice and all, but it's kinda driving me nuts.
Most of the time, things are so close to normal happy couple it drives me nuts. Other than the physical awkwardness and nobody to sleep with. *sigh*
I will not be mean and sarcastic. I will not be mean and sarcastic.
I will just eat the crescent rolls I made that are his favorite in my new top with my new haircut.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
I know you know this already but, just a reminder, this is ALL about him and has nothing to do with you as a woman. He's got some issues he needs to work through on his own.
In the meantime, what plans do you have for yourself over the next 6 months? You seem to always have something cool in the works!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I just need to vent. So I don't send an e-mail to Roger. Him coming over to get more stuff last night sent me into a bit of a spiral. He's so friendly, things seem on the verge of normal, and it drives me nuts! So many reminders of what we had a week ago, so many moments where it feels like I could have it back. Grrrrrrr. I almost wish he'd be mean so I wouldn't feel so hopeful. But I know then I'd be wondering how he could be so mean. So it's a catch-22.
Ugh. Anyways, on to my rant.
How do you throw away 3 years of life and love without a fight? With barely a whimper? I don't know, I've never done it. It makes no sense to me. I can't fathom it.
Yet I keep ending up with people who think years of coupledom isn't even worth a fight. I don't know how I keep picking them. But I am sick of being good enough to marry, but divorce. Good enough to live with, but leave. Good enough to be a friend, partner, lover, but with an expiration date.
He says he made an effort. That he's been trying. Maybe I just don't see it. To me, trying would be fighting. Trying would be scheduling date nights, trying to create romantic moments. Trying would be buying some new silk boxers, buying me lingerie, asking me to go to Fredericks/Victoria's Secret with him. Trying would be asking to go to counseling. He did buy me flowers once in the last few months. They were very pretty, I put them in a vase on the coffee table so I could see them every evening. But I don't see it other than that.
Things were strained, that was obvious. Since he went back on the Cymbalta our sex life had taken a serious hit. At first it was him adjusting to the drugs, he felt nauseous, dizzy, had insomnia. Then it was difficulty orgasming and falling asleep the minute his head hit the pillow. It was a joke with my old college roommate, "his antidepressants are making me depressed." But since things seemed fine other than that, I tried not to worry too much. We were still talking every day, cuddling at night. It would have been nice if our talking every day didn't seem to consist mostly of him complaining about work, finances, the house to do list, how he needed to work out, how much he ached this winter, but he wasn't complaining about me or us, that's always good right? I thought so....stupid me.
I tried to distract him sometimes when I could work up the energy and guts to brave what seemed to be an almost constant grumpiness. Tried to find ways to make him smile. I put some notes in his work bag. I was really hurt the last time I used the Why I Must Have Sex With You check boxes. The first thing he said about it was about the fact that I had checked "I'll pay you". I shouldn't have checked that as I did it out of frustration. I wasn't in the mood to joke about paying him for sex. I was so frustrated with our sex life I wanted to scream. Who knows how he meant it, but the fact that he focused on that box instead of the others I had checked really hurt my feelings. What I had hoped would spark some flirting instead led to a few exchanges that felt awkward to me and left me feeling decidedly unsatisfied with the result.
I need to get a new uniform, so I asked him if he could measure me. He started in about how measuring for a uniform should be similar to how suits are measured and he's good at that because he used to work in the men's department. I tried to turn it into some flirting, "no, I'm sure measuring ME will be more fun." He didn't even get it til I tried a couple times. Then it fell totally flat, not a flirt in response. Just both of us feeling frustrated it seemed. I'm sure he is good at it, and I'm sure it is not that much different in a professional way, but I don't want him to be professional about it. I want him to be silly and perverted. But the opportunity for him to put his hands all over me still hasn't been seized. Ugh.
New lingerie hasn't even all been seen. The last two times I tried to get his attention with lacy things he said, in chronological order "that looks very 80s". Didn't sound like a compliment to me the way he said it. The bra and underwear that a moment before I had hoped would spark some desire, that had made me feel pretty and sexy, instead left me feeling unloved and unwanted. The last time, I put a new black and red lacy bra and underwear on and came out to the living room to model for him, he said "that's nice." I'm standing there freezing cold and now feeling super rejected and the best he can do it "really nice, sorry, I'm distracted." I went and put clothes back on and cried in the bathroom. I could barely make myself come back out to the living room I was so mortified. Needless to say I wasn't about to try again without some encouragement and reassurance from him.
Then he starts dropping the "we need to talk" a few times. But he always follows it up with not now, not tonight, not here. Not something. UGH! You can't say something like that and leave it hanging! That's cruel! But he did. Several times. I was vacillating between thinking he wanted to break up and thinking that maybe we'd finally get at some of the issues that had cropped up over the last few months. I was hoping for the latter with all my heart, but what I got was the former. You're my best friend, but... we met when we were both in a bad place and we helped each other heal (this was news to me as I didn't feel I was in a bad place at all. I was 18 months S from XH, feeling like I'd found my equilibrium and independence and fun again, I had trust issues, but I wasn't depressed or anything). ILYBNILWY.
I cried so much that night. And we talked. Talked about things that should have been talked about months before. It was great to talk about some of that stuff, but so frustrating. He didn't see how things could be fixed. Therefore they were over. We both agreed on what was wrong, but where I saw it as a temporary problem, he saw it as the end. So much for commitment.
A week later I'm still in shock. I've cried gallons of tears, but I don't feel any better. The littlest reminders set me off. I miss him so much. He acts like everything is fine, that we can just move into being friends like nothing has happened. But I can't. I still can't believe he just ended it without even a fight. Fights precipitate a break-up, isn't that one of the rules? I live for the times I just feel numb, when I'm so emotionally drained that I can shut my brain off. I can almost function as a normal human being during those times.
And he's being nice. Friendly. Checking on me by text, IM, facebook. It's driving me nuts. I vacillate between thinking he's doing it to ease his guilt and thinking he really does feel like we're just friends and he's being friendly, not daring to think that maybe he's missing me, regretting his decision. I like that there is not all the drama of affairs and screaming fights, but in some ways it is harder. We were best friends, something I've always wanted in a partner, but with more. There was cuddling and sex and so much more. But now, things feel so close to how they were sometimes, like they could just go back to normal if I could just get him into bed. Part of me wants that so badly, but I'm so hurt and angry that the thought is repulsive.
He wants me to come to his housewarming part on Saturday still. The thought makes me nauseous. To have to put on a smile for all his friends, act like it doesn't bother me that he dumped me, pretend that we can be just friends. I am not that good an actress. I'm holding on by a thread most days, most hours. The tears are always threatening. I had to bring extra tissue to work and put some in my car. I'm on the verge of being a weepy mess constantly it feels like. Except around him. One of the things I learned well during the divorce was that being a begging weepy mess is not attractive and only makes them feel pressured and guilty. Not to mention my pride makes me try and look and act my best when he's around.
I'm not even sure what I want at this point. Part of me says don't walk away from a 3+ year relationship without a fight. But I'm so tired of fighting. I fought so hard for and with XH, I don't feel like I have it in me again. The thought is daunting, exhausting. Besides, all the work I did during the S from XH resulted in a one month sorta reconciliation followed by him running back to OW. Not even close to the payout I was working for. So I told myself it was good for me to do the work, that I'd benefit in my future relationships. But now I can't even believe that. I'm back where I was 4 years ago except with the responsibility of a dog dumped on me.
No need to respond to particulars. I just needed to vent.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Maybe you need to let him know that it is just too painful for you to carry on as friends right now. You still want the relationship, you believe things can be worked out but right now you can't be miss friendly sunshine.
Let him know and then stop replying to texts etc for now.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I fully agree with kat. You are tearing yourself apart an it sounds like you could really use some distance just to regroup. Definiely tell him that this is not what you want and that you feel this can be solved and your R can grow from it but you need to put the 'friends' thing on hold for now because it is hurting you.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
"I will not be coming to your housewarming party. I am happy for you, but I cannot bring myself to celebrate anything with you right now. I do not feel like we are just friends, and at the moment, through all the pain, I don't feel we are friends either. I see nothing insurmountable about the issues we were having and do not understand the mindset of walking away without even an argument, without a chance to put things right. I cannot smile for all your friends and pretend that I am okay.
I can bring Kelsey down, just let me know."
Thoughts?
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Too many excuses. You can't come, you'll drop off Kelsey if he'd like. And even that might be a bit much, except that you could use the break from doggie responsibilities.
No need to talk about friends, just friends, or fixing anything. He knows all that anyway, or he'll figure it out.
