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#2234432 - 03/30/12 01:38 PM Re: (NA) Informally separated from WAW, but DBing my best [Re: AlwaysTrying]
AlwaysTrying Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/11
Posts: 243
Wife probably won't come to dinner today because she has IC, but she might be looking for leftovers later. I'm planning chicken marsala which is traditionally served with noodles, but W is gluten-free (sometimes) so I thought I'd serve it over wild rice. Which is easier for the little kids to eat anyway.

So how about chicken Marsala over wild rice? No? I thought I'd put sauteed garlic, onions, and finely chopped carrots in the rice to make it more interesting.

With some Asparagus on the side... What do you think? Crazy?
_________________________
- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room

Top
#2234775 - 04/01/12 09:18 PM Re: (NA) Informally separated from WAW, but DBing my best [Re: AlwaysTrying]
AlwaysTrying Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/11
Posts: 243
W is probably coming to my counseling session Tuesday, BTW. I'm trying to stay open to the idea that she's coming to tell me it's over and to just stop already. Or that she is willing to try the separation longer but insists on moving out of the house and throwing our finances into utter disaster.

It's hard not to be optimistic that there might be a more positive outcome...

My goal is that she will work with the C and I to adjust the current arrangement as needed so that she feels that she has enough space.

I think part of that issue - that she needs to be living further from me - is that she doesn't trust me not to spy on her. I hope the C can help us find ways to work on that.

I imagined having a conversation with W. Basically, 1) Do you believe that our childrens' well-being and future is of utmost importance to me. 2) I pledge and swear by my love for our children that I will never invade your privacy by x,y,z.

x,y,z being logging into her accounts, reading texts on her phone, looking at her call and text history.

I don't know. The distrust about her privacy is a huge issue for her
_________________________
- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room

Top
#2234782 - 04/01/12 09:46 PM Re: (NA) Informally separated from WAW, but DBing my best [Re: AlwaysTrying]
AlwaysTrying Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/11
Posts: 243
I saw a lot of my kids this week. I love it but it makes me feel anxious. I don't feel W pushing me away right now, but I don't want to leave her any excuses to feel that I'm not giving her enough space or reasons that she needs to move out.

My S6 had an sort of... This is not a big deal, but it was like a little stroke. He lost the ability to speak for a little while. Doctors have checked him out and said that sometimes this thing can happen, never happen again, and it's no big deal. That night, W and I were freaked out, though, fearing the worst.

She called me over to spend the night when it happened. She called me in the middle of the workday for emotional support.

I'm seeing signs stacking up that are making me feel hopeful. I can rest with a lot less anxiety if I know that W and I have some time to work through this separation and she doesn't feel pressured to take some more drastic step.

Here is one sign: I messed up and she didn't eat me alive. I was about the leave the house to get some coffee because I had a pretty bad caffeine headache. W got home with D3 who needed a nap and was immediately leaving with D15. Now I couldn't leave the house.

I was afraid to ask her for what I wanted directly: "please allow me to get a cup of coffee or stop for a cup of coffee for me." I acted out a series of behaviors like those found in "No More Mr. Nice Guy". Instead I made a weak statement about how I was about to get a coffee and it sure would be nice if she got one for me instead. Obviously, she declined my invitation. Then I got resentful and thought about all the favors I've done for her and was angry with her that she couldn't do one little thing for me.

And even more resentful because I knew that I couldn't complain because she's the WAS and I can't ask anything from her.

I wrestled with my phone for about 10 minutes to try to send a text that wasn't stupid and somehow told her how I felt. Finally, I sent this:[quote]I have a terrible caffeine headache. I was literally about to leave the house when you got here. You make me feel like a monster.[quote]
Clearly, I failed. It was a stupid text that really did little to express how I was actually feeling.

She replied, basically, wtf, texts like this make me want to ignore your texts. You didn't tell me you were sick and I(W) was trying to get shopping done so you can make dinner. Also, you may feel like a monster, but I didn't MAKE you feel like a monster.

I told her to ignore my cranky text, that I regretted sending it, and that I wasn't clear from the beginning, so it was my fault. Also, thanks for getting groceries.


So, a month or two ago, W might have ignored the stupid text that I should have known better than to have sent. But she didn't. She took the time to articulate her own feelings. I wish I hadn't tested her this way, but I feel like this is a good indication that we are communicating better in general or that at least she feels more comfortable expressing herself.

Then we had dinner. I made tilapia with roasted potatoes and lemon garlic asparagus. She liked it. She did ask me Friday why I was making chicken Marsala. Then she accused me. "Are you making it because it's my favorite thing to eat?" She had an appointment and did not join us for dinner Friday, but did pull the leftovers out of the fridge when she got home and had a full serving.

When W replied to my hurt text, she kindly suggested I try some tea for the caffeine. When she got home from grocery store, I had already ingested raw coffee grounds because it was that bad, but she brought home a new coffee press and some fresh coffee beans.

She doesn't drink coffee.
_________________________
- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room

Top
#2234790 - 04/01/12 10:46 PM Re: (NA) Informally separated from WAW, but DBing my best [Re: AlwaysTrying]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1024
Hey AT, dust off and move on. Very good that her response was different she explained her feelings.

So how will you handle this in the future?

I had a boss who kept chocolate covered expresso beans in his office. I ate a handful before I knew what they were. I was buzzing the rest of the day!

Good luck at the session on Tuesday. Hope it goes well. Keep an eye on those expectations.
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

Top
#2234796 - 04/01/12 11:20 PM Re: (NA) Informally separated from WAW, but DBing my best [Re: ces67]
AlwaysTrying Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/11
Posts: 243
Thanks, ces. Yes, trying to keep expectations low. I'll probably spend the last hour before the meeting telling myself, "This could go horribly wrong. Be ready for the worst."

I found myself struggling not to tell her she looked pretty in church today. It looked like she made an extra effort to look good.
_________________________
- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room

Top
#2234797 - 04/01/12 11:21 PM Re: (NA) Informally separated from WAW, but DBing my best [Re: AlwaysTrying]
AlwaysTrying Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/11
Posts: 243
In the future, I'm not going to get mad at my W for not doing something I didn't ask her to do.
_________________________
- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room

Top
#2234799 - 04/01/12 11:30 PM Re: (NA) Informally separated from WAW, but DBing my best [Re: AlwaysTrying]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1024
In addition to "this could go horribly wrong" be sure to add in there, "but I'll be OK, no matter what...."

As far as not saying things to my W and then getting mad about how she did something. I've caught myself doing that and once I was aware of it, it really helped to stop.
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

Top
#2234803 - 04/01/12 11:42 PM Re: (NA) Informally separated from WAW, but DBing my best [Re: ces67]
AlwaysTrying Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/11
Posts: 243
I'm going to re-read the Nice Guy book because of this backslide. I knew there was something wrong as I was acting this out but couldn't put my finger on it through the fog of the headache and crankiness. In general, I've been better at that stuff, but with things being what they are with my W, I don't get tested all that often.

The big deal for me here was that I slipped up and did the wrong thing but we communicated our way back to good relations instead of it escalating and spiraling out of control.
_________________________
- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room

Top
#2235104 - 04/03/12 10:45 AM Re: (NA) Informally separated from WAW, but DBing my best [Re: AlwaysTrying]
AlwaysTrying Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/11
Posts: 243
I have my first counseling appointment with W in months today at 4. Last time we talked about going in to see someone it was becaus she said our separation wasn't working for her (She wanted to miss me but didn't, she needed more space, she felt like spending a day without seeing me was the exception). I asked if we could talk to Laurie the DB coach to see if we can come up with ways to change the arrangement so she feels she is getting what she needed.

She agreed, then I paid for some more DB sessions. I had a private session with Laurie first, then W had a session with her. During her session, she decided she felt too much pressure and we wouldn't have a joint call. I felt like I had just wasted about $250. However, W was noticeably a lot nicer to me after the call, so something positive must have happened.

That was over a month ago and it had been months since we'd seen anyone even before that. I have let W know whenever I was going to see my IC in case she wanted to come along and finally talk about that stuff, but I didn't pressure her or beg her or really even ask her to come.

Things really seem to have improved in the intervening time. I didn't send her an email for one month in response to what Laurie and I had talked about. We have had very very little conflict, aside from W deciding to do taxes separately without telling me. I handled it fairly calmly when she told me.

I don't know what will happen in this session. It is possible that she could confirm that things are getting better and maybe we can continue doing what we're doing. It is possible she could say she still isn't getting what she needs and we can talk about changing things to help her out. It's possible she could tell me she is getting along with me and things are better, but it doesn't matter because she's just done and she has to move out with the kids.

I want to not think about it for the rest of the day and just let it unfold in the session today. But it is hard.
_________________________
- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room

Top
#2235347 - 04/04/12 08:55 AM Re: (NA) Informally separated from WAW, but DBing my best [Re: AlwaysTrying]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1024
Good luck AT. Hope you can stay busy and not dwell on it but you're right. That's going to be difficult, so don't be too hard on yourself.

I need to re-read the "Nice Guy" book too and really spend some time on the exercises. Maybe we can hold each other accountable to do that.

Hope the session goes well for you today. And remember, no matter what happens, you WILL be able to handle it!
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

Top
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