Waking up this morning feeling crappy. Lost in my head I suppose. I'm four months past d day and still hurt that my W is still moving forward with D. Got a note regarding court appearance for next week. That did not feel very good.
Given the fact that she said she has "no trust in me at all" (still don't know why), I am feeling rather hopeless in the DB world today. Maybe I will feel better later.
Hope you get better as the day goes on. If the DB is feeling hopeless (and I can completely identify with that feeling many days) remember that its for YOU primarily. Take care of you today.
Hope you can find something for yourself today. For me, if I allow myself to get lost in misery, it tends to take longer to get out of it and it never really helps. I would guess you don't feel like doing much, but do it anyway. It will help you move through these feelings faster. You deserve to feel better than this so do it for yourself.
I put this quote in one of my posts the other day and I'll share here as well...
"If you find yourself going through hell, keep going!" Theadore Roosevelt.
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
Crimson, sorry you're having a bad morning. I suspect the pain is a necessary part of the learning experience, unfortunately.
Also, sorry for not offering more information about myself in my previous post to you. At 30, I married a 39yo man who was divorced with 4 children (yes, I believe I must have been crazy.) We've been married for 17 years, T for 18. Currently same house, separate bedrooms, like unfriendly roommates. I just ordered the book, waiting impatiently for it to arrive.
I have a unique situation here in that I'm the WAW, yet I feel like I'm the (only) one that's still desperate to save my M. My H is very reactionary -- he'll respond when the fire is hot, but as soon as things cool, he's back to his old self. I've been telling him for years that he simply wasn't going to believe that I would ever leave him until I handed him divorce papers, and then it would be too late.
I think the most frustrating thing for me is that my husband already lost one family, and he claims it totally devastated him. You would think he would have learned from that and done better the second time around. Instead, he seems to have just picked up exactly where he left off (only after we were married; beforehand he was a prince.)
To give you some possible insight into your wife: I'm tired of being angry and disappointed. I'm tired of interacting with my H like he's a child and needs to be told everything. I have a child already -- I need a partner, not another child. I'm tired of so many broken promises. We all heard the story of the boy who cried "wolf" when we were kids, how does it not apply to some? I simply don't believe them anymore. And there's been so many examples of temporary changes, I have no reason to think the next time will be any different. And the worst part for me is when he DOES change, he simply proves that he can change, albeit temporarily, so when he drops the changes, it's obviously a choice. He's only applying the changes to get what he wants, and as soon as he gets what he wants, what I want no longer matters.
I'm not sure if you've had the same cycle, but it gets really, really old from my side of the equation. It gets to the point that it seems it would be much less painful to divorce and start over, or even to be alone, than to keep trying. But that's a very hard-earned decision, and once that mindset is acquired, you don't want to let go. It's freeing. It offers hope. It sheds light on the possibility that you might be able to find the person you used to be, before you married the "love" of your life. Although you know you might be looking forward to a boatload of ugly, at least it's a different ugly. And it's ugly that you might be able to have some control over. And there's even the possibility of a happy second marriage (it happens.) Could it be worse? Honestly, it's hard to imagine.
I hear that you've been at this for some time, but how does that time compare to how long you weren't trying? You feel bad now, for months, but maybe your wife felt bad for years. Even with as much as you're putting into it right now, how much time does it take out of your day? When I add up everything I wanted from my husband in the course of a day, it would have cost him maybe 15 minutes, if he did a really good job. It takes an incredibly loving spirit to want to be giving to someone that has already been "taking" from you for so many years. And I doubt your wife has it in her right now. I know I don't.
It's a bit of a catch22, but you doing now what she wanted all along but doing it in response to you losing something you want, probably doesn't feel to her like you're doing it for the right reasons. You couldn't do it when SHE was the one feeling the pain, only when YOU'RE the one feeling it. It's really tough to be empathetic to that, when she's been the one feeling the pain all along and is only now feeling better by being away from you. Plus, even if you're doing everything you should have been doing all along, that doesn't get you out of debt, only keeps you from getting worse. (Think of it like putting on 50 lbs. You have to do more then just eat what you should have all along to expect to actually lose weight.) I'm not sure what it will take for her (or me) to want to reunite. I'm not sure what you or my H can do to make yourselves irresistible.
I can't imagine anyone that would want to step back into hell if they had a chance to get out, even if they acquired a few permanent scars on the way out. I can honestly say that if it weren't for my S11, I would have left my H long ago and never looked back, even if it meant being alone for the rest of my life.
Funny, I'm here hoping to figure out how I'm supposed to want to go back. I can forgive and not be angry/vindictive, I just don't know how to muster the desire to even want to talk to him, much less want to hold hands or any other sort of intimacy. He keeps telling me that he loves me, as if that should mean something to me, like I'm so completely unlovable that I should be willing to accept anything from him. Besides, I've lived with his "loving" me for 17 years and it's not very appealing. It also seems like everything is so haunted with the memory of conflict, I don't know what we could do together that wouldn't leave a bad taste in my mouth before we even started.
If I was your wife, I would ask, "Why? What for?" It seems like my H is relying upon feelings to save our marriage that he spent the majority of our marriage trying to kill.
I'm not trying to discourage you, I think you're doing a wonderful thing and I believe you're sincere in your efforts. I'm just not sure how it's supposed to work out happily-ever-after, coming from the other side of things.
Well, trip is over and I am in the airport waiting to go home.
Not sure exactly why, but I was fighting off sadness today and had a minor breakdown with my friend around noon or so. I am feeling hopeless today in terms of saving my family. And I feel as if my wife's heart is as hard as ever, yet so many people say that she is struggling, too. I'll say it again, if she is struggling with the notion of D, she is doing an excellent job hiding it.
I am trying to stay out of the tar pit that is self-pity, but I still struggle with forgiving myself and internalizing all of the reasons why she was so unhappy. I am not dodging them, rather, I just am having a hard time saying "yes, you were right to leave me", even though I know there is truth in that statement.
She commented that she wanted to hear what I told my parents about MY contributions to our situation - which would basically be A LOT of the things I have shared about myself and my upbringing on this board. When it came up again, she said write a letter or an e-mail. Even though that may go against DB, I am thinking about doing it. Not as a "pursuit" behavior, but just to let her known where I am in this process and what I have learned about myself over the four months this saga has rolled on.
I know I like having a family. I never knew how much, but I can see how central that is to my life. Moreover, the strength of the bond that I have developed with my son tells me beyond the shadow of a doubt that I WANT at least one more child in my family. My w knew she did, and I was unsure after 3 years of infertility. Now I know that they give me more in my life than they could ever take. I never learned that as a boy or in my 20's, but it has become so clear.
I know that I want to be a husband, that that gives me purpose, partnership and pride. But I want to be a BETTER husband. One that listens and puts wife and family before any personal selfishness. My friend said in rather frank terms that I never learned how EMOTIONALLY SUPPORT a wife. She was very right. And that is where I failed my current wife. I want to be better for her, but if not her - someone someday. Having a wife and family under one roof means more to me than I ever knew.
Crimson you have come along way from the beginning. Keep up your 180s. And your positive thinking. I see you and I are at that point where we finally get it even if it's to late
M 33 W 29 S 4 M 5 T 7 11/7/11 Separation, W moves in with parents 12/1/11 W: "IDLY, I'm not coming back, it's over" 1/7/12 D Bomb Dropped
Thanks, CO. Don't know why today was so hard. I'm guessing because preliminary hearing dates have been set. That kind of puts things into critical focus.
My W thought inward going to be coming by tonight to see him, when it's actually tomorrow night. She texted to say he was in the window waiting for me to get there. My heart broke knowing that she would have to tell him I wouldn't be there tonight. I told that there was a mix-up in communication and apoligized and she never texted me back. I feel like crap about that.
Fear of losing everything in the court proceedings is starting to really get to me. W will have all of her income plus a nice piece of mine, I'll be writing child support checks and still be paying for part of his daycare. I fear that I am going to be bankrupted. Lose the house. Lose my credit. I have worked and studied so incredibly hard to get to where I am (I'm no Trump, but I can happily provide for my family) and I don't want to get knocked back down again. Losing my wife, chunks of time with my son, and all of THAT seems like such an unjust price to pay for the mistakes that I made and the poor level of emotional support I gave my wife. If it is just going to me my S and me, I don't feel like I will have enough income left provide a decent life for him.....save for college, and so on.
I don't want any of this for my W, my S or for me. I hope there is still time and a chance to save my family.
I feel so bad for both of you. I can see that in the last couple months you both really want your family back but it doesn't look so good. I can tell you both seem sincere, thought you were dealing with life and being there for your wife and kid.
I keep thinking that it is not fair at all because your intent was not to make your wife miserable, we learn from our parents how to love people and for whatever reason it wasn't enough.
I got a huge eye opener in August and I'm pretty sure my wife was close to throwing in the towel. She wants to make sure I make some changes and I'm ok with that. She is willing to also make changes so we will survive and I know this experience will make me a better person.
My question is actually not for you guys but others that are checking up on this thread.
I've been hear for about 5 months and I've noticed that when the WAW decides she has had enough that she has checked out. Looks as though she flipped a switch and no matter what you say or do its too late and no second chance.
Anyone know why this seems to be the case?
M 42 W 41 S 10 D 7 M 15 Years T 20 Years Divorce busted
"Losing my wife, chunks of time with my son, and all of THAT seems like such an unjust price to pay for the mistakes that I made and the poor level of emotional support I gave my wife."
Crimson, it is important that you not shoulder all of the blame for the problems in your M. Your W had a role to play in this as well.
You really need to stop operating from fear and regret. Instead, it is time you adopt a position of strength and confidence. Doing so will help you better manage the rough patches and it is considerably more attractive, wouldn't you agree?
Hang in there!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
