Too Little, Too late 3

[purgatory]

Part 1: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2209361&page=1

Part 2:http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2209442&nt=11&page=1

A brief overview of my current sitch: so you don't have to click all the way through the old ones...although there is some interesting stuff in there

My H has decided that he has feelings for my BFF (now known as OW). I have ended my friendship with her. I have expressed anger to both of them (I know, not productive.) They aren't currently dating because OW is recently divorced too and she says she's not ready to date yet, but can see a future R with H. (I've actually thrown up several times thinking about this possibility) I am currently struggling to deal with this second bomb, and I'm contemplating going away for a few weeks.

H has said that he "deserves to be happy", "I don't want to be alone, and I don't have to be", "I care about you, but I don't need your permission to date."
Is this ^^^ when I'm supposed to 'ignore what they say, and only 50% of what they do'?? So I guess when they actually start dating, I'm not supposed to believe that either??

This is a new realm for me to be in- having to deal with OW (who was supposed to be my BFF). I'm not sure I have the strength to sit around and watch this happen- more power to all of you who have witnessed OW/OM in your WAS lives. It makes me sick (literally) to know that on his nights off, he will be at her house- with her kids. And on the nights that H has our boys, he will also be at her house- with her kids. I have expressed my upmost concern/un-acceptance for my boys getting confused about what their 'family' is. (Up until now, our two families have done A LOT together and we've mixed and match kids based on things she and I needed to do- everyone gets along like a family.)

It has been suggested to me that I take some time, but don't completely leave my house (like I originally wanted to do) and I need to control my anger so they can't see it. How do you do this??? How do I hold my tongue from telling them how much they are killing me with no apparent remorse???

Any people who have had success with dealing with an OW/OM in your life- I could really use some suggestions!

[25yearsmlc]

here are some posts to get you started...on detachment and if I can find it, a post by MrBond on how he dealt with OM (he was above OM and knew OM was a symptom of the marital crisis, and that's extra true in your sitch b/c your h is doing the minimal amount of work needed to "date" by grabbing literally the first single woman he knows and does not have to "get to know" b/c it has been done for him....)

so yes she is a symptom and that makes your personal work all the more important to do. No matter what you want to hold your head high and behave with dignity so that when your wakes up or snaps out of it

or sees her for who she is, and then realizes YOU have made CHANGES and since you are the mother is his only kids,

he's going to prefer working it out with you...so make sure when he looks your way, that you will be the better choice.

consistent change + sufficient time = change they can believe in...

This was originally posted by Peanut.
============
II. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship. Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done. Our ego gets wounded and we are more inclined to those actions that will undermine our very best chances of accomplishing our goals. We can not control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness. If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love. Met with love we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals. On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’ It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I can not control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."

______________

the next post has some applicable parts but it's from a WAW to her LBSer h...so reverse the roles and see which parts apply...
as hurt as you are right now, I think your h may have felt the way this wife felt, for some time...give it some thought.

FROM A WAW TO A LBS HUSBAND WHO HAS CHANGED AND WONDERS WHY HIS WAW HAS NOT COME HOME YET, & HOW SHE CAN BE AT ALL INTERESTED IN OM…

When I read your interactions with your wife, I could so easily identify with your wife's feelings/words/sentiments. I have been in her position in my M. I was the ignored, the devalued, the one who was treated as less than. I even got chills when she talked about the FB issues, because I've been there and done that, bought the t-shirt Of course, my H went a step further and cheated, then left, adding an extra crunchy layer of goodness to my sitch.

One of the things that I have tried my hardest not to do, is not to engage with another man. Not just because of my marriage vows, but because I knew that when I truly engaged in any type of R with another man, it would make it that much harder to ever reconcile with my H. Because being treated differently (better) than the way he treated me would lessen him so much in my eyes.

So, I can see where your W is coming from. When you've been mistreated to the point where you actually let go of your R enough to let another person into your heart or bed or whatever, it takes a boatload of work to get back on a page where you're recommitted to being with your Spouse - and those uncertainties that she's expressed to you, I don't know if you truly, truly fathom how deep they run.

Six months of getting back on a page where you treat her the way that any wife should be treated does not even scratch the surface of the years, the intrinsic devaluing that occurs when you're systematically mistreated for such a stretch of time.

And I promise you that while you have recommitted and worked for 6 months, your W has simply been trying to get to a point where she can even buy into the changes, where she can even think that you might have changed and not scoff at the thought.

Because when you build up hope again and again and again in your H and he crushes it again and again and again, you develop a thick skin, a protective doubt, a conditioned response to even the slightest, grainiest seed of hope. You are taught that when you hope, you will be disappointed. When you try, you will fail. You are taught that you will never be what he wants and it is hard to shake what you have come to believe is reality.

And for the changes that you've made to have come only when she walked away and OM became competition, I can definitely see how she can doubly doubt that you truly want to be in a M with her, and not just to win.

Even you today say that you are not sure that you don't just want to win.

Step 1 - figure that sh!t out ASAP. Because if you actually do manage to convince her that you really do want her and really have recommitted to her and you actually just want to win, you'll put her through hell.
________

[purgatory]

thanks 25, detaching has been the hardest thing so far... I wasn't even completely detached when this new bomb was dropped. I know that it would be the best thing to do so I can't get hurt by their words/actions... but how do you actually *DO* it?? Is there a special phrase that you can chant to your self until your detached? are there evil thoughts I should think about them?

I have been plagued by insomnia and all the negative thoughts come rushing in. I over analyze, re-play every interaction, and play out the future for myself. I logically know that none of this is helpful or productive- how am I supposed to stop this??? I am really sad that I don't have someone who misses me, I don't belong to someone, no one is sitting at home worried about me when I go out for the night. Every relationship I had before H, cheated on me. When I moved away from our other duty stations, only 1 friend from each place bothered to keep up communications with me- everyone else ignored my emails/phone calls. ..... makes me really wonder what's wrong with me?? Why does everyone leave me??

I sound like a pathetic, self-conscience person right now- who would want to be with that?! But this is how I feel. I don't know how to 'rise above' those feelings and act 'as-if' I'm fine and happy.

I really feel hopeless. I would like to say that they will be each other's rebound and this will crash and burn.... but I don't think so. Since they already know each other so well, the intimacies will be easier to jump into. They are both cowards. They both don't know how to be alone to focus on themselves before jumping into a new relationship.

He leaves for AFG in June. It makes no sense to me for either of them to start a R before he leaves. And it makes me sick to know that 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' will be applied to *her* not *me*. He'll come back in a year and be ready to jump into their R and leave me in the dust. (I know, projecting into the future is wrong- I don't know how to turn it off.)

I know that rebounds usually fizzle out after a few months.... but H and I were each other's rebounds after each of us broke off 3 year relationships...so we *married* our rebounds- this doesn't give me a warm fuzzy feeling about them.

She knows all my deep, dark feelings about H. How the he!! could she betray our 'friendship' like this?? I have come to realize that she was never a true friend- which makes all of her 'love and support' meaningless over the past few years.

Even if I want to take some time away to calm down and collect my strength, I can't leave for another 2 weeks because of medical appointments. H says he will still be there for all of them, especially my 2 heart surgeries.... I really want someone there who will hold me hand when I'm scared, or make me laugh to distract me, and be my advocate to the doctors when I can't speak. H used to be all these things (and so was my friend), but I'm so angry with them, I think it would cause more stress on me to have them there rather than not. Sadly, I don't have any family members who can take time to come up to be with me.... I'm starting to realize how *alone* I really am.

I know that I am my own worst enemy. Dwelling on negatives, projections and assumptions are all not productive for *me* let alone any chance to save my M. I am truly at a loss for how to actually *DO* the things that need to be done: detach, control my anger, don't let negative thoughts take over my brain.

[Rick1963]

(((Purg))) Negative thoughts are things you tell yourself some are on automatic some are more conscious. There are rational and irrational negative beliefs. Focus on the irrational ones. For examPle you maybe telling yourself that you will never ever again be in a R.

You have to dspute those irrational beliefs. What are the chances that you will never again be in a R? Practice this and see if it helps.

As for the detaching use whatever trick helps to get you there. After a while what they do or say does not hurt as much. Hang in there

[labug]

Emotion is clouding your thoughts. And I understand that but it's not helping you. Think about what has really changed. Other than the dippy-opportunist girl, nothing. You still want your marriage, you still have your children, he's still going to AFG, he still wants to separate. Even tho he told dip-op about his "feelings" she has not taken him up on his offer.

I know you hate to hear this but control what you can control. Let them sort themselves out. As 25 said, you are giving away your power to those two. You know as well as I do that all the ruminating in the world will not change anything, all the yelling, screaming, begging and pleading in the world will not change anything. I'm not saying don't do it but give yourself 15 minutes everyday to just let it all out and then be done with it.

I asked before but I don;t know that you answered: Do you have an IC?

[labug]

busto has a post on this thread that might be helpful to you.
bustorama

Hope you get outside, both your head and your house, and do something for you today.

[Oneeleven]

I just got caught up on your latest sitch. I am SO sorry. I am more angry with her (for you) than him actually).

It's all the more devastating because you were an open book to her about this situation and you have a valid fear that she will use that against you, trying to build her relationship with him.

And I agree with you, a real friend, would say... "never, nope, not in a million years would I go with you because my friendship with Pur is more important".
I have the dedication to friends and expect the same from them. But lots of women don't.



Question: was her EX military as well?

I am just thinking, over a year of long distance is a loooooong time. I just can't see this working out for them and for her to hold her arms open for him for that long.

I think that also it will be your situation he thinks of at night, when there are rockets over head and sleep is far.

He may not think of good things right away but I bet with some distance, clarity will come.

And I wonder for you too, this long year ahead of you both, if this will give you the time for clarity of your own. YOU may decide that his actions are NOT something you're willing to tolerate.

Who knows.

But I do HEAR you about feeling alone. About feeling like everyone drops you in your life. I feel the same way A LOT. And if I sit and wallow in it, it takes over. I wish SO MUCH we were in the same area, because I would come and hold your hand through it all.


I am not of much help here. My R is over. Instead of looking forward to our reunion in 5 weeks, I am dreading it.

I just wanted to know that I'm hear to listen and empathize.
111

[Oneeleven]

* Here for you .... sorry for my typos

[purgatory]

Thanks everyone. I feel awful because I haven't contributed to other's threads in a while, I just don't want to be a negative presence for everyone else right now.

Rick- thanks for suggesting to focus on the irrational ones, I'll really try. Thanks for not making me feel horrible for having the negative thoughts- I hope I'm not the only one who does this.

labug- yes, I do have an IC. We meet on mondays, and I haven't seen her since before Xmas because of holidays and she was sick... really suxx. We also have a MC that we check in with as needed... I'm thinking she might like to hear about this new development.

You bring up a good point- nothing has *changed* except 'dip-op' is now in the picture (btw- I LOVE that nickname!). To me- this seems like the rules have changed- because now I have 'competition' in a way. I realize that it shouldn't affect any changes that I have already done, and should continue to do... I just now find it really hard to keep my mouth shut from the snippy, smart @ss comments that flow through my head. Even though I know there is nothing good that came come from it (and in fact all it does is make me look bad) I need to get them out of my head.

Over the past few days (since H told me about his feelings for her), he's been more vocal about his hurts when he initiates R talk. These are the things I hear:
* You really hurt me. I can't get past that.
* Why did it take me walking away for you to do anything about it?
* I always told you what I needed, and you didn't do anything.
* I've felt lonely for 6 years, and I'm done being lonely.
* I've come to realize that I still really care about you, and I want to be there for you [medically and emotionally] but at the level I'm comfortable with.
* I don't want you out of my life, I've just changed your role. As my friend, you can't hurt me- you don't have to do the things a lover does and I can't get hurt by you.
Is it positive that he's unloading all this on me? Is he rationalizing his choice to move onto my friend? Is he telling me the things that she does, that I didn't do? What do I do with this new insight from him?

I'm silly to ask so many questions, but H has never been this forthcoming about his pain. I've only ever heard: "You hurt me more than anyone and I can't live like that anymore."

I'm a mess. I wish I could crawl under the covers for a few days... but I've got the kids today (an arranged schedule with H) so I've got to find some kind of strength to get through the day. I wish I had a 'silver lining' to put a positive focus for my day.

[Oneeleven]

Do you think he might be opening up because moving out at the end of the week is going to be closing a door/starting a new chapter and he is unsure?

But you know what, analyzing his actions over and over is only going to drive you nuts.

How do his revelations make YOU feel? Do you feel a little better now that you're getting armed with valuable knowledge?

Honestly, I think this could be your silver lining Pur.

And also, may I add, your children are your silver lining. When I was down and didn't get out of bed or eat for days, I didn't have any reason in the world to do otherwise, I often wished I had.