Everwhere is walking distance if you have the time

[ClingingToHope]

"I realized that I wasn't ready to date until I could look another guy in the eye and so "absolutely not" if asked if I would try to work it out if my ex came back."

But our situations are not the same in any way. You have your daughter most of the time.

I miss my daughters every single night I don't have them. If XW came back and said she wanted to work on it and I just said no without considering it, I'd be saying no to having them.

I appreciate the input, but a lot of times on this site custodial parents forget what the non-custodial parents are going through.

[ClingingToHope]

The situation may be taking care of itself anyway. On Monday and Tuesday, while I was out of town, we exchanged a number of steamy texts.

I had to delete them when I got back in case my daughters picked up my phone.

It was fun and I was looking forward to seeing her tonight. Last week, we'd set tonight as a date.

On Wednesday, we texted a couple of times. On Thursday, I asked her when should I pick her up Saturday.

She responded she couldn't go out. A friend was coming into town unexpectedly.

I asked if she wanted to do something Sunday. She said sure, I asked if 4 p.m. was a good time. She said she was going to check and get back to me.

This was Thursday night and I haven't heard from her since. I've texted a couple of times and called. No response.

This is the same woman who I was going to see in October and she disappeared -- in terms of contact -- until mid December. So there's a history here.

The funny thing has been my feelings about the whole thing. It's almost like that angel on one shoulder versus the devil on the other.

On the one hand, something about the relationship didn't feel quite right. I can't say exactly what and maybe that feeling would/will go away when/if we see each other more.

On the other hand, it was comfortable to know or feel I had a partner in crime. I was thinking of fun places to go this summer, things to do. She'd been out with my friends a couple of times already and they liked her.

There's really not much I can do about it so I'm trying to just let things be. I'm meeting a friend out tonight anyway.

Tomorrow, I will text in the morning and if I don't here from her I will call in the afternoon. If 4 p.m. comes and goes and I don't hear from her I'll do what I did in October -- send her a message saying I'm not sure what's going on, but if she wants to get in touch with me she has my number.

That book I read a few months ago -- Microtrends -- had a section in it about dating. It said the average number of relationships started online before finding the right person is 10. DHU-41 is No. 4. I've got a few more of these to go I guess.

[whatisis]

That was my fear for you, that past history is a good indicator of what the future will hold. But why keep trying to contact her so often? Screw it, leave it in her hands, you've done you part. Let us know how it turns out.

[ClingingToHope]

So you would not contact her tomorrow either?

That sounds right. I will pack my workout clothes tomorrow. Go to church, head into work to catch up on stuff and if I haven't heard from her by 3 p.m. head to the gym. There's a 4 p.m. weightlifting class I'd like to go to.

[whatisis]

You go guy! No, I wouldn't contact her. She knows the arrangements and you've done your part, she's not responding. Let her realize that your life doesn't revolve around her. Hey, I'm really good at telling other guys not to chase, aren't I lol.

[ClingingToHope]

I'm just not one to sit around. I feel like I'm ready for a serious R, there was just something with DHU-41 that was/is holding me back.

Maybe that will go away with time. Maybe we're through already.

But if we are through, I'll just move on looking for someone else.

I am actually encouraged so far about the choices I've made in the past 13 months.

It was December 2010 that I hooked up with a party girl and had a couple of very good times and I willingly let that one go because I didn't think I'd ever be comfortable introducing them to my daughters.

I went on a couple of lunch dates and they didn't work out.

Now this one. I really "like" her, but I'm not head over heels and I don't feel "desperate" for her.

That's major progress, I think. I remember when it was over with XW, I was very, very co-dependent.

I feel pretty good now. I'm fine by myself. Whatever happens, happens. If I have to go back on the lookout, well that's fine too. I am sure I will find someone again. Those worries have gone away as well.

[kml]

That book I read a few months ago -- Microtrends -- had a section in it about dating. It said the average number of relationships started online before finding the right person is 10.

Hmmmmm...was that ten that you've met in real life? Or ten total, including online flirtations that fizzled out before meeting and real life dates that didn't come from online? Just trying to figure out where I am, lol!

If you count all of them...hmmmm...I've got 3 lovers I met online, 3 other coffee dates, 3 geographically undesirable online flirtations, and now one current boyfriend that I met while shopping. He seems to be my lucky number ten!

[desert_rat]

When it happens it happens! It might be number one, it might be number ten, it might be the one you meet shopping or waiting for an oil change. My feeling is to be open to it when it happens, and don't try to force it.

As far as people you meet online, I went with the idea that I was going to enjoy the time with every one I met, even if I knew immediately we were not a match. And I found that it really did work.

[SunFunOne]

I second what Wii said. Don't text her or phone her again. Let her contact you. Or not. Seems she can't even bother to reply when she has a guest? That is very impolite and I wouldn't waste any more time on someone who behaved that way.

Anyway - each person we date teaches us something. Usually it is about ourselves. If you enjoy her company and you get through this "blip"- then continue. But avoid the planning so far ahead thing. Try to live one day at a time or even one week at a time. Not "meeting the kids" or "going on vacation". etc. We all plan things like that but when you're with someone you're not sure of - don't let it happen.

Good for you - making plans for tommorrow in case.

Barb

[ClingingToHope]

So last Sunday didn't happen, but she texted that day to tell me why. Her story was that she had a friend going through a bad divorce come and stay the weekend.

Sounds plausible.

So we made plans to get together Thursday and we did and ...

This has become a purely physical relationship. It's exactly the opposite of how life was with XW. I shouldn't complain. Several of my friends have met her and they say I'm really lucky and she's perfect for me ...

And I'm still not totally feeling it. I'm trying to figure out why. The conversation on the car ride home Thursday bothered me. Perhaps that's part of it.

A few posts ago I told you how she freaked out when I said if the X showed up and wanted to work things out I wouldn't slam the door in her face.

I tried to clarify that for her. I told her I don't want XW back, but I really want my daughters back and if XW showed up wanting to work things out I wouldn't slam that door right away because I'd be slamming the door on them.

She said after her first divorce her son chose to go live with his dad. And now her 14-year-old son has told her he's considering going to live with his dad, divorce No. 2.

She said she wouldn't have gone back to either ex husband just to get her sons back.

I did not respond. In my head, I was thinking that these weren't similar circumstances. She says both of her exes were alcoholics who beat her and cheated on her.

My ex is none of those things. She's just a depressed person who is constantly searching for the magic thing to make her happy.

Anyway, the other thing that bothered me was when she asked me if I'd told XW that we were dating. I haven't. She hadn't told her ex either, but her 14-year-old son did. She said she feels like I've been "hiding" it from XW.

We've only been out five times in slightly over a month. I've been waiting to see if it'll last. But I didn't say that. I told her, truthfully, that I was waiting until the right time.

I have hockey tickets for Feb. 26 and she's supposed to bring her 14-year-old son. I didn't tell her that XW's best friend has season hockey tickets very near where we'll be sitting so it's highly, highly likely that if we go together we'll be spotted and the reports will get back to XW.

I told her my thought was that D12 has a play the first two weekends of March and my plan was to tell XW then that I'd be bringing someone to the play.

At that point, we'll have been going out for three months -- if it lasts.

I'm torn. Part of me wants to just get out of this now. Another part says I'm trying to find someone "too perfect" and not looking at this objectively. There's a lot more right here than wrong and I should give it a chance.

Things with D12 and D9 were great this weekend. It was a really good weekend. Of course, D12 wasn't with me much on Saturday. She had theater rehearsal and then went to a movie with theater friends. Still, it was a good weekend.

Tough times at work. The company that owns our newspaper is consolidating another department. So 12 co-workers are going to have to reapply for their jobs and those jobs will be 90 minutes away.

I'm losing six really good friends. So Thursday morning I went to talk to the leader of an MBA program. It'll cost $20,000, but I really have to improve my resume for when the train comes again and I'm standing on the tracks.

I texted XW to ask if she'd be open to switching week nights somewhere down the road if it conflicts with my class schedule.

Her first response was a question? "How are you paying for this?"

I didn't respond. I'm going to put myself $20k in debt -- again -- in the hopes it pays off over the next 25 years.

So, as usual, there's lots going on here.