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#2215870 - 01/25/12 07:10 PM Re: CAUGHT HIM IN HIS LIE! [Re: 25yearsmlc]
abbey1989 Offline
Member

Registered: 02/08/11
Posts: 234
Loc: Southern California
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Abbey

you need a plan, a "Campaign" of sorts. What are your GAL and 180s?

You just seem to be giving him ALL your power and waiting for the other shoe to drop. That's no way to live.


That's it! A campaign for me. smile I am so thankful to have your words of support. Let's see....GAL...I do like to hike, travel, photograph, exercise, be with my kids and dog, cook, garden, go to concerts, etc... still just feel a void. I know that only I can fix this.
_________________________
Me - 49
H - 55
S - 22
D - 19
Married 24 years
H moved out 10/11/13
H moved back in 10/13/13

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#2215871 - 01/25/12 07:12 PM Re: CAUGHT HIM IN HIS LIE! [Re: angel61]
abbey1989 Offline
Member

Registered: 02/08/11
Posts: 234
Loc: Southern California
Originally Posted By: angel61
Abbey, do you plan on living the rest of your life like that?

If your H really wanted the OW over you, he would have left 3 years ago. The way it is, you are just being a doormat, letting him have his cake and eat it too, while you writhe in pain and jealousy and uncertainty, everyday waiting for the bomb to drop.



I think about this. Often. When I began posting here a few years ago, I never would have thought this would still be going on. Uncertainty is my daily dose of reality.
_________________________
Me - 49
H - 55
S - 22
D - 19
Married 24 years
H moved out 10/11/13
H moved back in 10/13/13

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#2215874 - 01/25/12 07:23 PM Re: CAUGHT HIM IN HIS LIE! [Re: AJM80]
abbey1989 Offline
Member

Registered: 02/08/11
Posts: 234
Loc: Southern California
Originally Posted By: AJM80
Hi Abbey - long time no talk. I've been in a bit of a transition cycle, but am a lot happier and clearer minded now. H is still living on east coast, we're living in midwest near family. Getting that space away from the drama has been huge. When I focus on other woman, I still get angry sometimes. When I think about my husband, I realize how messed up he is and how long this process has to be. Usually it's not my focus, I'm just living life.


I am so happy to hear that you are just living your life! Awesome AJM!
_________________________
Me - 49
H - 55
S - 22
D - 19
Married 24 years
H moved out 10/11/13
H moved back in 10/13/13

Top
#2215876 - 01/25/12 07:26 PM Re: CAUGHT HIM IN HIS LIE! [Re: AJM80]
abbey1989 Offline
Member

Registered: 02/08/11
Posts: 234
Loc: Southern California
Originally Posted By: AJM80

I'd really like to hear what you want and what you'll do if he comes home tomorrow and tells you he's moving out to be with OW. Not the gritty crap that we've all been through, but are you on the way to where and who you want to be? I agree that he's made the decision NOT to leave you because he would rather live with you than with her.


Well...is it sad to say that it might be a relief? I don't know. Living with a broken heart for this long is hard on the mind and body!
_________________________
Me - 49
H - 55
S - 22
D - 19
Married 24 years
H moved out 10/11/13
H moved back in 10/13/13

Top
#2215877 - 01/25/12 07:28 PM Re: CAUGHT HIM IN HIS LIE! [Re: AJM80]
abbey1989 Offline
Member

Registered: 02/08/11
Posts: 234
Loc: Southern California
Originally Posted By: AJM80

I'd also like to know if your husband might be hiding money and that's why he just has a few projects. Not a cycle to get into, but please make sure you and your kids will be ok financially and have some time.


Well, I doubt that OW is paying him $$ for his expertise in building custom homes. I think this is the only "secret" project he is working on. But thanks for asking....I will ponder that.
_________________________
Me - 49
H - 55
S - 22
D - 19
Married 24 years
H moved out 10/11/13
H moved back in 10/13/13

Top
#2215878 - 01/25/12 07:30 PM Re: CAUGHT HIM IN HIS LIE! [Re: MynameisMZ]
abbey1989 Offline
Member

Registered: 02/08/11
Posts: 234
Loc: Southern California
Originally Posted By: MynameisMZ

My H and I talk frequently about my "interventions" and how they were instrumental in getting him out of her clutches.


Hi M2,

I am glad that the way you worked your situation has turned out well for you!
_________________________
Me - 49
H - 55
S - 22
D - 19
Married 24 years
H moved out 10/11/13
H moved back in 10/13/13

Top
#2215881 - 01/25/12 07:35 PM Re: CAUGHT HIM IN HIS LIE! [Re: 25yearsmlc]
abbey1989 Offline
Member

Registered: 02/08/11
Posts: 234
Loc: Southern California
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc

Not to nitpick or bust your chops, it's just that I've seen this "tell others" about it, backfire EVERY other time here. Big time. Always seems to look punitive and vindictive...usually is.


I am truly thankful for all of the folks who helped stop my insanity last week! I know that confronting H and OW while together wouldn't have been an attractive move for me and I just needed some calm, rational people to make me come to my senses. I am sure at some point, all of this WILL come out in the open.
_________________________
Me - 49
H - 55
S - 22
D - 19
Married 24 years
H moved out 10/11/13
H moved back in 10/13/13

Top
#2215882 - 01/25/12 07:36 PM Re: CAUGHT HIM IN HIS LIE! [Re: ~ kd ~]
abbey1989 Offline
Member

Registered: 02/08/11
Posts: 234
Loc: Southern California
Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
DB does not recommend confrontation.

In the end, it is a choice.


Thank you again Kaffe for being my voice of reason.
_________________________
Me - 49
H - 55
S - 22
D - 19
Married 24 years
H moved out 10/11/13
H moved back in 10/13/13

Top
#2215888 - 01/25/12 08:15 PM Re: CAUGHT HIM IN HIS LIE! [Re: angel61]
abbey1989 Offline
Member

Registered: 02/08/11
Posts: 234
Loc: Southern California
Originally Posted By: angel61
25,

One of the things about problem solving, you have to know what the problem is. So in Abbey's case, at this point there is no evidence, the problem is still in her mind, right? Can she even prove that he is lying? What if he really had work to do in San Marcos? What if she is just a paranoid person? Even if she cuaght her H lying, how does she really know that he has an A? What will she do about it? Can she DB at this point, when he has not even dropped a bomb yet?



Hi Angel61,

I wish I could say that "the problem" is in my mind but it is not. This is what I know:

11/2008 - OW texted us constantly over Thanksgiving weekend while we were in No. Cal.

12/2008 - OW left her H in the midst of a home rebuilding effort of their wildfire destroyed home. Her husband wanted my H to continue on with the project but my H bailed out. (unusual and we had no other work lined up).

12/2008 - H started working out, grooming, all of the weird MLC stuff you read about.

2/2009 - Found a beautiful card from H addressed to OW.

2/2009 - Asked H about his R with OW. He denies and say that I don't "trust him" and that I "never initiate sex" We talked about D that day.

2/2009 - H purchased (supposedly unbeknownst to me) and is using a secret cell phone.

8/2009 - H leaves on an "alone" road trip to No. Cal. to see a car race. Prior to his leaving, I walked into the office while he was checking out jazz bars in SF on the internet and then he quick closed internet screen. Not reachable most of that weekend. He chose to go THERE instead of with me to take our oldest son off to college, first year freshman.

1/2010 - H tells me he will be late because he is checking out some building lots for a friend (not the friend it turned out to be!) I saw the property info on his desk and made mental note.

3/2010 - Email came over from architect letting H know that he was unable to find the parcel map for "OW's lot purchase" I was so upset and asked if was building her house and his reply was "you run the office, you would know if I was building her house". He denied and said he wasn't sure why the architect emailed him.

3/2010 - He showed me pictures of a building from OWs campus where she works and I asked "who told you about the building" and he got completely mad and wouldn't speak to me for at least a day.

2/2011 - We were headed to my son's college baseball game. Just prior to leaving work and earlier that day, I kept getting phone calls from an unknown number. When I finally anwered, H was on the line and he seemed VERY VERY surprised that I answered. In fact....he hung up. When I called back, it rang and rang and then he called me from his normal cell number and said that he was at his jobsite and his cell phone wasn't working (???) and that he had to use one of the landscaper cell phones. Fishy for sure. I'm thinking uh-huh....but we were headed out to see son at college so I let it go.

The following Monday, I actually listened to the message that he left from that other number....and guess what? the message wasn't for me. It was for OW.

I confronted him and he denied. WHATEVER.

3/2011 - online records show that H is requesting all of the inspections for OW's new house that is being built.

12/2011 - I ask H "how is "OW's" new house coming along? He denied knowing anything about it. I let him know that something came over the fax with all of his name/contact info as the person calling into the building dept. for the various inspections. He DENIED. Then he said that all he could think of was maybe OW was using his name. LIES.

1/3/12 - OW's bday. H comes home late that night.

1/14/12- H tells me he has to work and instead he is at a class facilitated by OW at the college (on a Saturday a.m).

Tonight? H supposedly has a business meeting to pick up a check (but guess what? We already received the check in the mail today) and then he says he is going to take that former client out for dinner and wondered what card to use!

Saturday? OW is conducting another class and I am trying to thrwart his plan by making a better one. HA HA.

So, I hope you can see that this is NOT in my head. It might appear that I am a paranoid person....but I am so NOT. This whole thing has rocked me to my core and actually being a trusting person at heart has forever changed the way I will view this or any relationship.
_________________________
Me - 49
H - 55
S - 22
D - 19
Married 24 years
H moved out 10/11/13
H moved back in 10/13/13

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#2215984 - 01/26/12 01:56 AM Re: CAUGHT HIM IN HIS LIE! [Re: abbey1989]
kml Offline
Member

Registered: 01/18/03
Posts: 11937
Soooooooo.....what do you want to do???

He's denied it for years.

OW has been on the hook for three years now - she's probably getting impatient.

She probably thinks when the house is finished he's gonna leave you and move in with her. Imagine how pissed she'll be if he doesn't.

BUT - it may be time to ask yourself - do you WANT to be with a guy who could carry on a three year affair and deny it when you ask him directly to his face? Someone who is building her home while you support him? (At the moment at least that's true!)

There come a time when light needs to shine on a situation - THAT'S why I said I kinda wished you'd confronted them. Not because I thought it was a good idea to do crazy "Cheaters" episodes - but because this business of him gaslighting you has to stop, and it seems like the only way is for him to be caught in the act when he can't deny it any longer.

If you still want him, odds are if you wait it out he'll be yours - after all, he hasn't exactly rushed to be with OW, now, has he?

But it may be time to ask yourself, is he really what you want?

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