Looking for honest feedback

[Taishon]

First of all, I apologize for the length but trying to be as specific and honest and open as possible. Looking for any and all blunt honest feedback. A summary would be that our marriage is not suffering the normal "death acts" like abuse, infidelity, drug abuse etc but it is suffering from some other serious things. Thanx much.

I've been married for 11 years. my wife (10 years younger) and I have talked about the possibility of divorce many times. We have one child who has ADHD and attends special ed. My situation is a tough one because I am better off in the marriage than being single but I have some real issues with the marriage that appear like they are never going to change.
IF I wasn't married to my wife and we were dating or didn't share a house etc we would probably have a great relationship. In a blunt nutshell;

She- extremely self-absorbed (not selfish..i will give you examples in a minute), irresponsible, unwilling to admit that she needs to change some things, often immature and seems more interested in winning an argument (or walking away from an argument) than solving our issues. By far, the biggest issue, for me is the self-absorption. Some examples;
-On 9-11 I woke her up to look at the newscast, she responded, literally by saying "Ok, I am going back to bed now"..it was a response that seemed very autistic and not isolated to this one case by any means (I have nothing against Autism except when its really self-absorption)
- A student (I am a teacher) broke my rib (I did my best not to hurt him when he tried to hurt me and got hurt in the process) and she responded the same 'Autistic-like' way when I mentioned it, went to court over it etc etc. I got more sympathy from co-workers and friends, by far. Not looking for doting but am looking for a normal reaction that you would think a caring partner would have
- There are many other examples of the above..she just doesn't act in a normal caring way. She is often irresponsible (not paying phone bills in the past, not giving me important paperwork when we are trying to deal with financial issues even though I have asked her multiple times) etc etc
- Constantly, unapologetically late without seeming to care what affect that has on others.
- She does seem to be a decent person and is not selfish in the normal ways (ie- cheating, spending money all the time on selfish things etc etc)

ME: type A personality, very caring and involved but often blunt to the point of rudeness. If someone does something I think is wrong I will usually point it out in a direct way. I am very caring and often do volunteer work but also, from time to time, will be selfish, especially when it comes to my hobbies. I really like my hobbies and will sometimes be selfish financially and timewise with them. I also can have a bad temper when things don't change that i think should (nothing abusive but sometimes verbal)

Our Marriage: We are basically occasionally hostile roommates and spend a fair amount of time apart doing our own things. There are times when we have a great partnership but it usually when we are not at home dealing with normal family responsibility and marriage responsibility issues. We are not very physically intimate (my choice- my wife is stunningly attractive but I can't get around the selfish behavior easily to feel ' in the mood'- basically, if she was just someone I was casually dating, then I wouldn't care and we would be a lot more physically intimate). I want our marriage to work and believe it has the possibility to be a great one but have started to give up hope that its going to change. I have to be more even tempered and loving and she has to become less self-absorbed and more responsible for it to work. No amount of talking, arguing etc has seemed to change things. If I were to make our marriage into an analogy then this would be it;

'She and I are stuck in a desert and I just want some water (basic partnership caring stuff). She wants affection and tolerance. She offers everything but water and doesn't really hear me when I say I just need water and that she is being selfish by not giving me water. She offers me Steak, a Diamond Ring etc..i insist that I just need water and I start becoming an [censored] about it and withhold affection.

In some ways, I wish she was cheating on me because then it would be easy. Its hard because, in many ways, we could have a very good relationship but I just can't get over what I see is self-absorbed immature irresponsibility. We both deeply love and care about our child, we both know how to have fun together and separately. We both have interesting and fulfilling lives. She is having depression issues related to a bad boss, this being her second, possibly unsuccessful marriage, and possibly a family history of depression.

Neither one of us has good examples, in our parents, of good marriages.

Although I have threatened divorce, the reality is I am better off married and would not likely really follow through until my child is at least 18.

I apologize for rambling on but I would really like an outside view. Please feel free to be as blunt and honest as possible. I would actually be thrilled if someone were to convince me that my concerns are overstated and the fault lies with me. Just not seeing it right now.

Thank you in advance for any and all thoughts.

Tai

[MrBond]

Here's a thought. Change the way you interact with your W. It sounds like you BOTH need some changing, but you put alot of emphasis on your W's faults.

In fact, when you mentioned that "you decided" that M was best for you, it sounded pretty selfish. What does she get out of it? A M is mutually beneficial to both, not one.

You're looking to see who is the most 'right'. This isn't a high school debate.

Pick up Divorce Busting or Divorce Remedy and read through it. It will give you alot of insight.

What did YOU love about your W before? And don't mention things about her being a good mother. What did you love about her when life was new?

[2thepoint]

Taishon - welcome to the forum. If you work hard, you'll get a ton of very useful advice for you to consider and act upon. You've got a lot in your opening so I will comment on just a small portion. Others will likely chime in eventually.

"Our Marriage: We are basically occasionally hostile roommates and spend a fair amount of time apart doing our own things. There are times when we have a great partnership but it usually when we are not at home dealing with normal family responsibility and marriage responsibility issues. We are not very physically intimate (my choice- my wife is stunningly attractive but I can't get around the selfish behavior easily to feel ' in the mood'...."

Big red flags going off here! You are being punitive and punishing your W. Clearly there are issues in your M and it sounds like some sort of power struggle. Why is that?

What do you suppose would happen if you did a 180 and one day took your W into your arms and gave her a big hug and a loving kiss...just because? And then if you brought her home some flowers...just because? Someone in your R needs to take the first step towards working on repairing the M. Why not you?

Have you gone to MC? If so, how did that go? If you haven't gone, why not?

"'She and I are stuck in a desert and I just want some water (basic partnership caring stuff). She wants affection and tolerance. She offers everything but water and doesn't really hear me when I say I just need water and that she is being selfish by not giving me water. She offers me Steak, a Diamond Ring etc..i insist that I just need water and I start becoming an [censored] about it and withhold affection."

There is a book called The 5 Love Languages which discusses how everyone has a dominant love language (LL) and when their spouse speaks their partners specific LL, the receiving spouse is more content and happy in the M. However, what often happens is that the spouse often speaks to their partner in their own LL instead of their partners LL.

For example: If your W's LL is Gifts and your LL is Acts Of Service but your wife always gives you gifts, then your LL tank starts to dry up because your W is speaking to you in her LL instead of your LL - the one you most identify with. So in your statement above it seems clear to me that neither of you are speaking in each others LL. Both of your tanks are running low and are near empty. Does that make sense?

So, in addition to the books Mr Bond suggested - Divorce Busting and Divorce Remedy, You should also consider reading The 5 Love Languages.

You don't have to answer my questions, just think about them and consider how they may apply to your situation.

Keep posting and working on the things you can control, namely you and we'll all be here to help you along the way.

Good luck!

[Rick1963]

Tai welcome to the board. It is filled with very experienced and caring people.
First off you sound like a difficult person to live with. You appear critical and unaccepting. One thing you will learn is acceptance from this board. Get the books that were suggested and read others sitch.

You remind me of me. Becareful of what you ask for. Hang in there