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#2206630 - 12/20/11 03:18 PM Re: How to get her to try again? [Re: Abbey]
Nblost Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/11
Posts: 299
Alexj,
I feel the same anger today. I know Abbey is right, but it doesn't make it any easier to cope.

I guess I just keep telling myself that hopefully our lost spouses wake up...and if they don't, we don't deserve or want them in our lives anyway.

I think there's some hope in the fact your W isn't pushing for the D. I would give this some more time if you can bear it.

I also saw your question on Xmas gifts. My H assumed we were exchanging, I told him that I assumed we weren't. We haven't revisited it yet, but today I'm angry about what he's getting OW and how I've been paying for their dates and vacations. I hate how everything feels ruined by their behavior.

Hang in there and know you aren't alone in how you feel.
_________________________
M 44, H 46
D11, D9, D5
Married 12 years
PA confirmed 9/2011
I filed 3/2012
H moved out 7/2012

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#2206638 - 12/20/11 03:31 PM Re: How to get her to try again? [Re: Nblost]
Abbey Offline
Member

Registered: 03/07/08
Posts: 659
Once Christmas is over... all of our emotions will calm down a little.

I know the anger, and depression aspects only too well. Even when things are going "ok"... I still want to yank my damn hair out half the time.

The second, third, last "fiddle" issue that we all have to feel and deal with, also takes ages to go away.

That feeling of: If ONLY you would put in HALF of the energy HERE... that you put out for the other person... things wouldn't be were they are. Ya know?

It gets better, it gets worse, then it gets a little better again.

I think most of us will be glad when ho ho ho season is a faded memory.

Abbey
_________________________
T:22, M:20
H:55 Me:45
H-OW PA: N/07
OW Jan08
Bomb:Feb/08
S: Apr/08
Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11
Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess.
Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.

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#2206737 - 12/20/11 09:21 PM Re: How to get her to try again? [Re: Abbey]
alexj Offline
Member

Registered: 11/21/11
Posts: 25
Thanks Abbey! I have 2 days of no interaction with her while she's spending it with the OM, so I can relax a little in my own house for once.

AJ

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#2206743 - 12/20/11 09:28 PM Re: How to get her to try again? [Re: alexj]
Abbey Offline
Member

Registered: 03/07/08
Posts: 659
Try to enjoy the you time. It gets so easy to get sucked into their vortex. The break is something although is hard, does give you your own sanity break too.

Abs
_________________________
T:22, M:20
H:55 Me:45
H-OW PA: N/07
OW Jan08
Bomb:Feb/08
S: Apr/08
Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11
Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess.
Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.

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#2207355 - 12/22/11 10:17 PM Re: How to get her to try again? [Re: Nblost]
alexj Offline
Member

Registered: 11/21/11
Posts: 25
Yep, she's back from her trip now, claiming she wants to find a job locally even though her interview went well. Wonder what that means--OM locally? OM gone? Reality? No idea I guess.

So the next few days I'm focusing on having a holiday with my family (parents, sister and her family).

Happy holidays to all, and if you're in the "new situation" like me a big reassuring hug to you.

AJ

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#2210068 - 01/03/12 09:07 PM Re: How to get her to try again? [Re: alexj]
alexj Offline
Member

Registered: 11/21/11
Posts: 25
Contact (daily) with the OM continues. She's now sitting 5 feet away from me sending him emails and calling constantly. She went over on her cell bill this month to the tune of $350. She is paying it, but it's creating a spot where I'm worried--my name is on the bill.

We hang out okay, but I see her lying repeatedly to me about everything--she says her aunt is calling when it is him, etc. She living downstairs still and cranking the heat which causes my upstairs to roast (where I sleep) and the gas bill is going to be insane. What in the world do I do here?

AJ

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#2211185 - 01/08/12 06:19 PM Re: How to get her to try again? [Re: alexj]
alexj Offline
Member

Registered: 11/21/11
Posts: 25
Okay here's the latest.

I got a little angry about the constant contact with the OM, especially on the cell phone, so I finally contacted a lawyer about a divorce. I'm not interested in filing, but she's making no real effort to cut off the relationship with the OM. The words that resound in my head from a previous argument are "I can't help the way I feel" which is a tad ridiculous. I want a resource I can go to when/if she files.

This past week was weird, she's still stressed about not finding a job, and her plan of just up and moving away with OM fell through when the jobs weren't there. As of Thursday she was all upset as she had a good line on a 5 month temp job that they gave to someone else. She was tearing up about it telling me, and although supportive there was a side to me that kept thinking that "karma is a bear." Nevertheless I kept being supportive. I suggested she consider her next therapy session, because I think all this is still some other underlying issue. I don't think she is being completely true at her therapy sessions either, but I'm hoping if she goes a 2nd time (she's only done one) she starts to communicate about what her real underlying issues are.

Friday she got a followup call from the same job, saying the first candidate had backed out. She's excited of course, and the job interview is tomorrow. She now feels she doesn't need therapy as it's a lot of money to just tell her how she's depressed about not having a job (sheesh, never mind crapping on her husband). She got another call for another position and has an interview in a couple weeks (her birthday in fact). This is a permanent and high paying job, which she thinks she doesn't have the best chance at, but it's with the same company that laid her off and they have her employment history and references internally, so I think that's a good sign.

I met with the attorney on Friday just to go over what my options are, the risk of holding on. I still want to see if we can make this work, but I can't just sit here not knowing my options. We hung out Friday night, watching TV and I took her to dinner. We had a nice time, it wasn't quite as forced in conversation as it's been in the past. We got home and were both tired, so after a little more TV I went upstairs to bed and she stayed on the couch as always.

Saturday was me up and getting ready and heading to the gym. She also showed up at the gym, getting there when I was about halfway through my workout. I ended up on the machine next to her, but we were both in our own little worlds (which is typical for a workout). Headphones on, etc. She ended up leaving before me, I told her I'd see her at home. When I got home she wasn't there so I figured she was at the grocery store as she typically doesn't roam around in her gym gear all day. During this timeframe I think she had a call with the OM. They seem to call each day around noon for about 30 or more minutes. I wonder what they can be talking about with this much time, and I still have no idea where the guy is at. He's obviously not local, and she seems to be more willing to interact with me. Her cell detail I have access to--it's my account actually though she is reimbursing me, and the OM didn't contact her on Christmas day which I find odd.

Saturday after we both got cleaned up I suggested she join me for a trip to the local mall, and she agreed. We went to lunch, and she picked up the tab, something she hasn't done in about 3 years. I have no idea why she did this, but I was thankful. At the mall we kinda went our separate ways in some stores, in fact it was pretty much how we would hang out normally before the OM entered the picture.

I kinda feel like a sucker here though, she's basically living off me--the only thing she contributes to my life financially is the grocery and cooking she does, and I'm spending more time with friends so I'm only home 3 nights a week or so. It's a roommate situation, and I am concerned that she doesn't have any picture of a future with me in any romantic way. As I sit to her and look at her I just want to reach out and touch her, but I don't, and she doesn't initiate any physical contact with me. It's like she's just putting up with me until her job situation is rectified so she can comfortably take off. There is no indication anywhere I can tell she's initiating divorce proceedings--she's too wrapped up in work search and finance management. She's very unorganized so I think if she was filing or thinking about filing there would be some evidence somewhere--she is the type of person that has notes on the back of whatever envelope she found last, and then she searches for an envelope for 2 weeks ago and finds one from last week without the note she wanted, so I don't think there would be effort on a divorce without some evidence.

The son is pretty much removed from the situation. He's 15, spends most of his time immersed in his online games with mostly school friends. He eats dinner with us sometime, and I'm not spending as much time as I'd like with him but neither is she. This part is kinda sad, I talk to him and we have a good chat but that's about it.

So I'm in a holding pattern. I've decided I won't file for a divorce because I still love her, but she's not doing anything. I've tried to go dark, and it's nearly impossible for me to do. The fact she will engage and talk to me (and share details about herself, her friends, her life) is all very strange. She's really leading 2 lives here, and I don't know how she can reconcile that.

Am I stupid or what here?

AJ

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#2211240 - 01/08/12 11:37 PM Re: How to get her to try again? [Re: alexj]
Abbey Offline
Member

Registered: 03/07/08
Posts: 659
AJ, beyond all the DBing, you have to go with, what is working and what isn't. Is being nice to her working on some level? I mean she is still engaging you.

I know with my H the first time, I had to engage him first, in order to cut him off. That might be the way you have to go. Be nice, get your ducks in a row legally, and then push birdie out of the nest once she's had some of the benefits of your niceness. The only way she'll miss it, is if she's had a taste of it in her wacked out state. It's hard to do this, esp since there is no guarantee that this will work. But at least you can say, you did both sides of the coin, if it doesn't work, and can start to rebuild if you need to. BTW... mistakes from us at this point aren't as crucial as we often think. Because they're alien abducted... the don't remember a lot of what happens anyway... so you get a few mulligans even if you slip up here and there.

cheers
Abs
_________________________
T:22, M:20
H:55 Me:45
H-OW PA: N/07
OW Jan08
Bomb:Feb/08
S: Apr/08
Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11
Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess.
Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.

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#2211341 - 01/09/12 03:14 PM Re: How to get her to try again? [Re: Abbey]
alexj Offline
Member

Registered: 11/21/11
Posts: 25
Well, I was informed this morning as I'm leaving that she will "be home late every night this week." I asked if this meant that I would be taking care of son by myself and she said she'd be home, it would just be late.

This means the OM is in town, and since it's just for the week it smells like he's job interviewing in town, even though he's been out of town.

She has a job interview today as well, it's a lonnnnng commute from our house so I don't know what it means if she gets it.

So this week I will be dark kinda by default. This is the first real change in the situation now in almost a month. Ugh.

AJ

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#2211753 - 01/10/12 09:14 PM Re: How to get her to try again? [Re: alexj]
alexj Offline
Member

Registered: 11/21/11
Posts: 25
Well, confirmed. He's back in town visiting. She wrote down a flight number on a notepad and took off for the evening. A little quick flight tracking and I determined he was coming in from the direction I suspect he's in.

She stayed out all night, came home at 6:30 this morning to take son to school. I got up and was in the shower when they left and I took off before she got back, just didn't feel like interacting with her. The double life continues, and her job interview went well so she's more bold about leaving me. It goes in these flows where she's nice if her options are limited but otherwise I'm to be avoided.

The disrespect here to me as a person is getting to be more than I can take. I wasn't perfect, but c'mon.

AJ

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