Purgatory I appreciate your comments and words of encouragement. I agree that I have received a tremendous amount of information from people I respect and I hope that I can implement those ideas into my life that will make me a better person, father and possibly husband.
"I have followed your posts for a while and have commented a few times, but I continued to be impressed by your strong foundation of faith and continued determination to be a role-model for your kids. You have also been able to be conscious of your interactions with W, instead of just reacting... this is a huge step in the right direction (exampled recently by your reaction to her comment while you were sitting on the couch.) And just to bring focus to what you already said, she never would have laid next to you 3 months ago, nor would you have said (what you said) 3 months ago...."
This one has me a little confused. I don't recall this coming up in my posts. Perhaps I was quoting someone else and added my comments/perspective to their thread?
Anyway, thanks again for your comments and encouragement! Now I need to respond to the others who posted.
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Rick here - Ha-ha. That was me and my W on the couch. I was telling 2TP about it.
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
Rickb - Thanks for your thoughtful post. I'm still considering what to do abut the depression. I will seek a professional opinion but how I manage it if there is in fact depression is still to be determined. The yoga thing is a good idea. My friend sent me a yoga DVD for my birthday that I haven't opened yet but will this week. So, thanks for the reminder.
Regarding the other part of your post, in a nutshell I think what you are saying is that the selfish behaviors that permeated my M and yours have to be replaced by more thoughtful and loving attention to our spouses. And, when this shift occurs, it is then that our W's may begin to react in a more positive way towards us.
I agree with the concept. However, I think that we also have to be careful not to take this to an extreme where our W's then interpret our actions incorrectly and we become doormats or taken for granted or viewed as weak, etc. It is a delicate balance and we need to be careful that over time we don't start to build our own resentments.
So, I've got to find that balance while also detaching, and GAL, and maintaining my 180's, and so on, and so on, and so on...
Oh joy!
_______________________________________________________ Rick here - I guess I will say that your focus on your soul, your son, your W, your improvements, your DB plan...all of it in no way makes you a doormat. If you can detach and you give her what she needs, and go about being the great man that you are then I don't think she will see a doormat.
I had this same test today. We were supposed to go to an art museum in Boston today. As the day moves on I realize that she is really into decorating the house post-Xmas, listening to Adele (god, how depressing!) music all day, and basically in her own world, which she needs so much right now.... some time at home just thinking, reconnecting to our home.
She said to me that she really needs to do what she's doing right now. I said sure, the museums will still be there... don't worry about it, and happily walked away to do other stuff. Was I a doormat, or strong enough to see beyond the surface and understand her needs? I see you being strong for your W and kids over and over again!
I believe detaching and going dark are two very different things.
2tp, for what its worth you have done an amazing job doing 180 and GALing but I think the one thing your strategy is lacking is mystery. I think you need to work on making her jealous perhaps by dating or spending time with other woman.
I think your W knows she can have you back when she snaps her fingers I think she needs to believe she cant have you & not by going dark (cause you have 2 kids). Are you up for going on a date?? or maybe even just spending more time with a female friend will work??
Even though I dont think in your sitch you should go dark, you should stop helping out around the house, let her deal with the mess.
Another idea I had for you was to take your sons on a mini vacation, maybe camping. Or an overnight in a nearby city, stay at a hotel which kids love, catch a sporting event. Your kids are going to be your loudest voice, they will tell your W everything that DB tells you not to say. I cant imagine a woman not second guessing herself when her kids are fighting for the M.
JUst some ideas take em or not. I'm rooting for you and believe your W would be insane not to take you back.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Even though I dont think in your sitch you should go dark, you should stop helping out around the house, let her deal with the mess.
2TP... I know the above is hard but you have to do it. For myself I know I will have to fight it too. When I am at W's house with the kids while she's working in the evenings I will want to pick up, clean, do laundry... because I'm a fixer and a "nice guy". But it's not my house and not my problem.
I've already started to work my head around this... I feel it is ok to enforce house rules... so if the kids have chores then you make sure they're done if you're watching them and they are supposed to do them. If you want to help your kids with the chores that is certainly your choice. But just doing stuff unrequested (or even requested) isn't good.
I believe when we get to this point in my sitch I will try to have the kids at my house as much as possible to avoid the temptation to "fix". But even with that there will be times... like from bedtime to when W gets back from work that I will be tempted to "help around the house." But it's not my house and it isn't yours either... she wants to be a single woman... let her be one.
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
To be honest though, I also resent the fact that my W couldn't bring herself to suggest we seek MC or some other joint therapy to understand and work on our R problems. Neither one of us was ever good at communicating so perhaps this is why we never got to that point.
Sometimes in these cases it is true that the WAS seems to not have asserted him/herself and let his/her unhappiness be known. Not communicated when THEIR boundaries were being trampled across by the LBS. Other times the WAS feels that they did express their unhappiness or wish for things to be different -- sometimes in many ways. But the LBS didn't listen, or put their own needs first, or argued for the 'logical' way. And the WAS felt more and more invalidated and uncared for. And then shut down.
Take a hard inventory of yourself to see if there were ways you could have listened better or set up a safer, more responsive and validating setting in which she really could tell you how she felt and what she wanted or needed from you. I'm not suggesting you take all the blame -- she could have made different choices, asserted herself more loudly, persistently or forcefully, perhaps -- but be sure you are minding your side of the fence and not pointing to her side of the fence, when there are still things you might be able to fancy up ur side.
Originally Posted By: 2thepoint
It still hurts like hell though knowing that had she done that or had I seen the issues for what they are and taken my own action, we might be in a different place than we are now.
Yes it does. Learn from the hurt. And move forward with it.
Originally Posted By: 2thepoint
her A with the OM played a HUGE role in her decision to end the M without first seeking MC.
Perhaps. You don't really know this. Her love tank for you and the way you were pre-bomb may have been so empty by the time that OM came by that she had no desire to repair a M with you. Why would you want to repair a M with someone who kept breaking your heart?
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
Even though I dont think in your sitch you should go dark, you should stop helping out around the house, let her deal with the mess.
2TP... I know the above is hard but you have to do it.
The stopping helping is true. You definitely do not want to VOLUNTEER to do things for her. That is giving yourself away, plan doormat, etc. How many of your other exes are you calling and suggesting you do things for them? Ease their load so they have more time to relax and think about their current love interest?
In my sitch, I was counseled to only do things that involved the kids (and later as I got darker with WAS, that were emergencies for the kids). I tried to be helper man for the early part of my sitch. It eased tensions between us, but didn't bring us back together and never would have, I think. She feels no loss for you or consequences for her choices while this is happening.
If she asks you to do something, this is why it is important that you are busy busy busy with your new life. You can say something like (with flirting humor if you can), Hon (W, whatever), I'd love to help you, I gotta admit you have been looking good lately. But, you fired me as your husband a few months ago. I don't think anything has changed, right? And I've gotta go XXXX right now.
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
