So, time to acknowledge an outcome of my divorce...tonight I hit 200 pages double spaced typed for my book, which comes to just over 67,000 words. I still have a chapter and a half to write and the intro to add a little to and then I have to edit the whole thing, but I was afraid I wouldn't hit 75,000 words which was my low-end projection and it turns out that I'll hit it and then some as I'm not cutting content drastically when I edit.
So that's 67,000 words written of the best ideas I've ever had in my life overall as a literary analysis person/critic, and I did that in 7 months. Some people have told me that this is "like" me doing a Phd Dissertation in terms of size and complexity, except that most people take 2-3 years to write their dissertation.
This book would simply not exist if I had not been betrayed by my ex. I never had the ideas, the concept, much less the focus or the drive to write it if we'd have stayed married. The thing is that regardless of the future of this book, I learned that I really love research and writing more than I allowed myself to admit all these years when I did it piecemeal, and the actual process of writing has produced several moments of a type of bliss that I only get when I come up with the right words or right critical argument/evidence, and that's pretty priceless.
So I pretty much learned something incredibly valuable about myself through the process, and it's that I am probably most excited about my life when I'm reading, researching, writing, analyzing, and by extension, teaching the stuff I find interesting.
Thanks, ex-husband, for unblocking the direction I was supposed to move in all along :-)
What would have been our 20th anniversary is Wed. Should I write a thank you note? LOL ;-)
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Congratulalations! That's quite an accomplishment. I've considered writing & have been encouraged by others to write about my experiences... but life has always gotten in the way. You should be very proud! You have a great attitude- Thanks for demonstrating to those of us (newbies) that it is possible to emerge from the ashes reborn and stronger/ better than before. Take care P
(F.K.A. Broken422)
US 40's M 17,T 19 2 BOYS 13,16 Divorced 4/2012 11/2011 W SAID SHE WANTS D
"When it is dark enough,you can see the stars"- Ralph Waldo Emerson
labug, that's very true. I was in and out of serious depression and bomb-drop and divorce aftereffects while I did all that. Still am sometimes!
Ok well I have to mark it somewhere. Today would have been my 20th wedding anniversary, as a matter of fact, about 1 hour from now.
I guess I feel sad but the sadness is more or less in my rearview mirror.
I look around and I have a nice home and my books and my things I've made, and my cats who are so loving and kind (most of the time!) and my yard, and my privacy, and my wonderful friends who are there for me, and this board, and the terrific people here, some of whom have become very close friends even though I've never had the pleasure of giving them a real hug, and most of all, my family. I talked to my father last night, and he's pretty much counting the days till I go see my parents for Christmas. The man lives for Christmas, really, for getting everyone together, and it's time that I realize that despite how he can be, he doesn't have a whole lot of years left, and I need to be more grateful for the time I do see him and my mom. I have a really good, full life, and the marriage might not have worked out, but everything else pretty much did.
I want to say to anyone who just began this nightmare that the nightmare does end...a year ago today I was a wreck beyond imagining, and I was so skeptical life would ever get better, but it did. It's an equal application of your own work and your own will to make it better and time, I think. And I still have bad days and hours, and I still cry from time to time, but sometimes I cry because I hurt for other people or because there is beauty in the world even in moments of terrible pain.
I'll leave you all today with this quote I found in a book I'm reading called Perseverance. The quote is from Pema Chodron, who is an American Buddhist nun.
"How did I get so lucky to have my heart awakened to others and their suffering?"
Sometimes knowing that there are others in the same boat makes your journey seem easier to bear. Sometimes knowing others have it worse makes you greatful to grasp whatever little it is that you have and make that the reason you continue to live.
Have a lovely day everyone and a very Merry Christmas :-)
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Ok, so....left to visit my parents' house earlier tonight and had a curious experience. I really lost it when I left my house. I really searched myself for why I was upset, and all I could come up with was that I wished I could have everyone at MY home this year, and it won't work because I'm the one who lives a few hours away, and my dad won't travel...but I didn't want to leave my home, because I love it so much.
Not my home and XH's home, but MY home. Yeah it's the same house, but it's different now. I think I've finally "claimed" it for myself, and I've come to identify it as my place, and I'm happiest there.
Anyway I left despite the tears, and I got to my parents, and I'm here now and pretty happy. It's not the life I expected, but it's good anyway.
I am really blessed. I feel happy that this holiday season, even though I still feel sadness over XH and the marriage, I can at least see the good things I have, as last Christmas, I was far too depressed to see anything :-)
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
So not much to update, but just wanted to vent some about the very latest profile photo of XH that he put up today on the alt...and remember, I am not friends with him but can see his profile pic, and I do not block him because honestly this is the only insight I have into him at all and I still care about him.
Anyway, it's taken in his parents' house over Christmas. In over 20 years, his parents never once took a pic of us together in their house. He's wearing all clothes I bought him, down to the tie, 10 years or more ago. The wool sport coat he's wearing is one he wore every year for our anniversary. He looks considerably aged. I brought up one of the last pics I ever took of him and put it next to this pic. He looks exhausted, face lined, lots of grey/silver in his goatee. OW looks like his daughter next to him. The age discrepancy is more apparent in this pic than ever.
When their rel. hit the one year mark, or one year "post-bomb" for me, he stopped putting pics of himself alone for his profile. Since then, they've been a succession of pics of him and her together. In each one, she is larger. As in, she stands sort of in front of him, and based on the angle or whatever, she is physically more apparent than him. This one is the worst. All the light is on her. He just recedes into the background.
Hence, his profile pic for HIS page looks like it's for HER page. I've seen thousands of profile photos and I've never seen someone so clearly feature someone else in a pic of the two of them.
Mutual friends tell me the only thing he ever talks about on the alt is how he hates his job and how awesome OW is. OW has NEVER acknowledged anything he says on the alt.
I guess I'd just like some insight here...has anyone seen an MLCer "promote" the OP so heavily? Any insight into "where" he is in terms of MLC? He doesnt' live with OW and still seems to be trying very hard to make a case for her with this social networking tool. I think he'd just say he was "proud" of her, but it all seems so abnormal to me, and so sad.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
A, Your xh husband is attempting to burn the candle at both ends w/ow. Stress and guilt can do that to a person and the mlcers do age quite a bit as they move forward on their path for illusive happiness.
As for the ow in the photos, he is trying to promote her has his soulmate and wants everyone to see her and know that she is w/him. He's trying to convince the world he is one happy duckling and she's the greatest thing since apple pie.
My xh has done the same thing out on facebook...but I have to laugh these days...the new wifey (ow) has now dyed her hair the exact same color as mine, purchased eyewear exactly like I wear and also has cut her hair in a style that I wore back in the late 70's/early 80's.
I do believe that they know that we check on them periodically and are determined to ensure that we see the ow as their soulmates. Mine xh is just as stupid as can be and posts where he lives, telephone numbers and where he is at all day long w/tweets. The wifey doesn't do it, i.e., just as your xh's ow doesn't say much on the alt. It's the mlcers that want to prove to the world that all is right and they made the right decisions to leave us. Quite frankly, time has not been kind to them and they don't even realize it.
I believe your xh is still in replay and could very well be stuck there for a while. It is very abnormal what they are doing w/the photos for men their age, but stop and consider...they are teenagers and this is exactly what teenagers do when they think they are "in love".
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks for the insight, snodderly....that is too crazy about your xh's OW with the hair and eyewear. My xh's OW has grown her hair long for the first time (because she is a performer there's a lot of photographic evidence on the internet showing only shoulder/chin length hair) and I've always had long hair. Any pics of me show that, and I'm sure she has to have seen pics of me.
The thing is that when I saw that she has the same hair color that I had been PAYING to have with coloring and highlights, I went to my real color, which I never had with XH, and I grew my hair out longer than it has ever been, ha ha, and so if she did resemble me in any way, she no longer does ;-)
You know if it wouldn't cause a huge upheaval in my life to do so, I'd throw a pic of me up on the alt with some really hot guy, just to see if it would make XH react in some way :-) It would make an interesting social experiment.
You know this makes me wonder, though, what xh would do if he didnt' have the alt to pull off this promote my girfriend stunt?
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
They find ways - look at IBs husband! The alt simply makes their narcissitic posturing easier, and more hurtful if we choose to look. I don't. Told xh that I thought it was for the under 25s [not sure I really believe that, but I said it pleasantly in a 'I can't believe that someone of your age would be on it . . . ' tone.]
I am getting better and better at not letting xh get to me. Yay. Just about fully detached.
