What do I do next? Part 3

[workinghardguy]

Luv... sorry about the court date... I can only imagine how hard it must be to be in that adversarial situation across from someone who is that last you want to be adversary.

So you have had no contact with her? Even regarding the kids?

[luvhurts49]

When we drop the kids off to one another, it's usually just "hi" and "bye" and maybe a "drive safe". Anything else is usually just handled via text, but even then it's short and to the point.

[NLW]

LH, I feel for you.

As hard as it is, just remember that we're doing what we HAVE to do.

There's no better way to increase the chances that our spouses will come to their senses and take a look at what they're missing.

You're strong enough to do whatever it takes to make yourself a better person that, as the saying goes, only a fool would leave.

So keep on keeping on.

Best,
NLW

[Accuray]

Agreed Luvhurts,

Good for you for not giving her that hug. That took incredible strength, and I can only imagine the depth of your pain and loss. That said, the court date is now behind you so that's one less thing to dread. Mediation will not be all bad, they do generally like to see marriages survive, so they may require some MC which can only help.

Good luck to you my friend, try to tune it out and find some enjoyment for yourself over the holiday. Since you're hurting for cash and have extra time on your hands, any chance you could find a "fun" second job that you could put a limited number of hours into? Good way to meet new people and take your mind off things.

One of my friends is being a parking lot attendant at a ski resort. He had to commit to 8 days and gets a season pass for free in exchange. Volunteer opportunities would be another thing to look into to warm up the heart, meet some people, and build some self esteem.

Accuray

[luvhurts49]

All I can say is WOW!!! My W texts me yesterday asking if I'm home yet because she wants some statements that are in a binder sitting in the garage. I text her back saying that I'm not home yet.

Getting suspicious, I call my mom to go over to my house. She walks over there and no sooner does she get in the house, my W shows up and rings the doorbell. My mom does not answer the door. Now I can't swear that the binder was in the garage, but if it was, it isn't there now. My mom isn't sure if my W actually got into the garage, but she my W hurry back to her car and drive off in a rush.

I don't know what happened between last Friday and yesterday, but talk about a completely different person. She's now accusing me of lying to her, spending or hiding marital assets, turning our friends against her, stalking her, making false allegations, and many other things. I just don't get it. She is just coming completely unhinged.

[sandi2]

Until you realize this is not your W, you will continue to be in the "wow" stage. Expect the worse. I doubt that you've seen the worst yet. Be on the lookout.

Stop thinking how you want to give her a great big hug. Just out of curiosity, would you have wanted to hug her if she had been on OM's arm there in court?

[Accuray]

It sounds like she's acting paranoid. All I can tie this back to is my theory that she is making you out to be a mustache-twisting villain to justify what she's doing.

She's giving you a role to play to make her feel better about her actions, and unfortunately for her, you're not playing your role. You're actually being civil, a good father, pleasant and supportive.

She probably realizes that and the more it sinks in, the worse she feels about her actions. Eventually she can't take it anymore and she has to go off on another tirade about how evil you are to stoke her imaginary justification.

I think the best thing you can do is to shift your perspective and see it as coming from a place of fear on W's part. Do not play the role she's trying to push you into. She wants you to be mean and nasty so she can say "SEE! I've made the right decision" Don't give her that satisfaction.

Crimson is going through something similar, only not as bad. W wants you to act out to reinforce the choices she has made. She's baiting you.

Continue to be pleasant and supportive, "act as if" it doesn't bother you. That's all you can do.

Accuray

[Accuray]

LuvHurts,

The other explanation here is that your W is truly delusional and has lost touch with reality. If you feel that's a possibility and you're concerned about the kids, you might want to start keeping a detailed journal of the irrational things she says and does.

If everything unfolds in the worst way and you have mental health issues to face, you'll appreciate having documentation later.

I hope this is not the case and my prior explanation is the correct one.

Accuray

[NLW]

Luvhurts, Accuray,

Just wanted to add that I'm seeing the same sort of nasty, paranoid behaviour in the last month or so from my H. He was fine being a part of our 'faux' marriage and 'happy' family for 3 months as a 'sleep-away dad', and then he TURNED.

I became the evil STBEXwife who he had to battle for 'his share' of our finances. And he went crazy towards me - literally, I suspect (mood disorder/bipolar).

So I think Accuray's take on your situation is very apt. Probably a bit of both, from my experience.

I feel exactly like I am being positioned in a script where much of the dialogue takes place in H's head, or between him and his divorced and bitter male housemates.

And I am now keeping a detailed journal, as lc4 suggested on my thread.

My best to you, I know how hard this latest twist is.
NLW.

[luvhurts49]

I hope you're right Accuray and she is just being paranoid. I'm sure that she sees me as the guilty party and she thinks that I'm this mean person who doesn't care about anything buy money. First and foremost, my kids come first and I really couldn't give a damn about money as long as I'm financially able to take care of my kids. I really don't want anything from her except what is fair.

As I stated before, we had our first court appearance and I know that she was upset afterwards. She must have thought that I got more than I deserve, but seeing how we've been ordered to mediation, what was ordered isn't likely to last long-term anyhow.

My confusion comes from what she thought court was going to be like. I mean, she started this whole thing and has spoken with her L numerous times. What did she think it was gonna be like? D and court suck, it's a battle, it's war. What did she think, that it was going to be all wine and roses? That she was going to walk in and get everything she wanted?

I'll tell you what, I am tired of being portrayed as the bad guy here. My kids know that I love them and that I'll do anything for them. My W knows that I love her and I want our M to work. Buy I am just sick and tired of being the bad guy and that everything is my fault anytime my W doesn't get what she wants or if she has some kind of sudden mood change.