My wife dropped the Bomb 2 days after a vacation on July 26th that she doesn't love me anymore, is done, and has felt this way for a while. I went crazy trying to figure it out in the conversation and she said she was going to counseling for herself. We had another conversation and she said hateful things like do I have to say I hate you for you to understand and she is not attracted to me. It all was bad and I was distraught.
We were then alienated for a month, sleeping in different rooms and she was secretly texting and calling people all the time. I thought she was having a affair or something as I was tracking her text on the phone bill and Facebook and much of it was men or new men I have never heard of. We went to marriage counseling once and it was a complete wreck with no encouragement from the counselor to work on it. The counselor said to go home to decide if you want to work on it and at this point my wife did not which I thought meant we are done. I suggested separation as a last resort which she gladly wanted to do. We have be separated since 8-15-11.
She only texts me about our 2 year old son that we are sharing now. She is living with a friend I have met 2-3 times ever which didn't make me happy that our son was staying at a strangers house but she really gave me no choice as I tried everything to keep him home, even sleeping somewhere else the nights she had him to keep him home but that lasted 2 days and she was done with that.
She has shutdown to her family and most of her former friends as I think she is ashamed. She has all new friends and lifestyle of drinking and going out that she really never did before. I have unfortunately have pursued like an fool and probably pushed her away even more. She has met with some mutual friends and my bro-in-law & sister that went through a separation which I think is good. We meet on Saturday the 9-17-11 because I wanted to but she said she still felt done at this point and was not attracted to me. She is still going to counseling for herself about the situation and her communication problems that she agrees she has. I have been going as well by myself to help me through the process.
I realize now that I have pushed to hard and need to so the Last Resort Technique to try to turn things around. I need help and support as this has been super hard on me and me life nearly impossible at times. My wife's parents divorced due to an affair by the father and the family has been a wreck from it. I really don't want the same for us. Please help!!
"but she really gave me no choice as I tried everything to keep him home, even sleeping somewhere else the nights she had him to keep him home but that lasted 2 days and she was done with that."
You always have a choice. If you are concerned about the welfare of your child, get legal counsel for it to find out what your rights are. What you need to realize is that YOU have just as much rights as your W. Don't give her any more importance than is necessary. Even though she's acting irresponsibly doesn't mean that you have to.
Most importantly, don't panic. You can turn this ship around. What issues did she have in the M that caused her to drop the bomb? Detail things as carefully as possibly. The more information you give, the better we'll be able to assess your situation.
Hang in there and we're all here to help.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Well when she dropped the bomb she used any negative thing she could think of throughout our marriage to justify her feelings. She would always hold her feelings in and when she expressed them it was usually in rage that I could never handle or knew what to do with. The month before this happened she was hanging out away from the house more and more with a friend who is going through a divorce and I commented on it then but didn't realize it was headed down this road. I'm the kind of guy that is a do'er rather than a talker so much. I think I always compensated for her lack of making decisions and had no problems expressing my feelings most the time. I think I realize now that she just wanted more verbal support in various aspects of life through words.
She told people that happiest time was when she was pregnant which confused me because she was sick as a dog but I really think it was I had to support and take care of her more than normal.
Her family has always been broken since her parents divorce when the husband cheated on the mom. They all have communication issues and emotional problems. My W is now doing things with her Dad that she use to dog on during our marriage. He is the only one that will apparently validate her actions.
It felt like the issues we had were the normal couple things but apparently there was more to it. She really has not said much about me to people she has talked to and says she is working on her issues. I had concerns about being bipolar or some other type of psychiatric problem which I expressed to here as. She has an appointment with a psychiatrist that I'm not suppose to know about but I do. Her counselor is supposedly helping her get into one. I'm really not sure what to think about that but I think she has been depressed in the past and then the drastic lifestyle change seemed like a mania phase to me but who knows.
In hindsight she has been a emotional roller coaster of emotions that my family felt like they had to walk on pins and needles when they were with her. She always that people were going out of here way to not invite her or something but it was never the case. She does work and my sisters don't so that's why half the time they were doing stuff during the day that she couldn't and my wife has no sisters.
I know I could do a better job a the romance thing, spending quality time with her, and getting her things that she wants but her communication was so poor I never knew what she was thinking.
She apparently had a hidden Kohls credit card that she told a mutual friend about before this happened and said not to tell me about it. When she dropped the bomb she blew money on clothes like crazy. She went drinking for 3 days straight which was never done before and we had just really started drinking in the last 2 months of so and never heavy. I'm just confused about the whole situation and everyone that has talked to her is just as confused. Not really sure what to think other than I'm not pushing anymore. I'm finally content on just working on me and making me happy while she works out whatever she is working out. I really think she is stalling until the psychiatrist thing happens but who knows, she won't give on anything about us. I can't focus on it anymore because it was just making me crazy. We both have lost lots of weight because of this.
What should I do from here?
Me:29 W:28 S:2 M: 5 years Bomb: 7-26-11 Separated: 8-20-11 EA w/ multiple OMs W filed 1/2012
Well wife came over to grab some flour and stuff to cook where she is at. That was hard on me and I had a tough night. She was somewhat mean and what more legos than I gave her for my son. I told her to get more upstairs but she just said fine I will just buy more. She walked around asking permission to take stuff with a hostile voice. Man she is mean.
My mother-in-law psychologist brother is convinced she and her father have psychiatric problems. I have discussed it with him a lot and thought about the past and I'm convinced the same. My father-in-laws 2nd marriage has been on the rocks my entire marriage and he was separated when i met my W. She is only hanging out with him now and apparently she has learned life's lessons from him. Hindsight is 20/20.
Me:29 W:28 S:2 M: 5 years Bomb: 7-26-11 Separated: 8-20-11 EA w/ multiple OMs W filed 1/2012
Um, I'm not getting any feedback or help from people since I got pushed all the way to the 5th page. This is hard on me and need some support or help from this forum. I'm working on GAL starting this weekend. Please provide me some advice or perspective to my situation.
Me:29 W:28 S:2 M: 5 years Bomb: 7-26-11 Separated: 8-20-11 EA w/ multiple OMs W filed 1/2012
Obviously, it feels like all the wheels are coming off right now and its possibly the worst time you will experience through all of this. Throughout my entire situation, the worst was when it felt like my ex was being just downright callous, which is what you're feeling now. All I can say for now is, hang in there, and don't worry or panic. Once you make it through this phase, I have a hunch nothing else will be as difficult to deal with because you'll be out of shock mode.
Let's talk about you. You stated in your previous post that you will be working on GAL starting this weekend. What are you going to do?
M-34 XW-32 D-7 Found OM's presence 4/09 Separated 12/09 Divorced 8/10 GREAT relationship as coparents since 8/10
Well I went out to the movies with my buddy and I'm thinking of planning a trip for myself over Columbus Day Weekend since I won't have my son. I'm working through the questions in Chapter 9 to compile a better list of things that make me happy. I think I relied too much on my wife for my happiness and now I know that. Its time to figure it out for me.
My wife did complain about some legos for my son to play with when he is with her so I gave her some from the ones at our home and she complained. I then bought some new legos and put them in my sons backpack so he would have them today when she picked him up and she said "thanks but it is not about us, it is about our son having some of his toys at my house." Wow I can't stand how she is approaching everything. My patience is wearing thin. She waves around the I'm done stick or won't give any sign like it is a weapon. I have been doing better but sometimes she just crushes me. I know she is not sleeping or doing well even thought she tries to lie to the world that she is but people know better and tell me.
I was doing the "The Love Dare" book and sort still was but I'm not sure I will be doing all of it because I need to do the last resort technique which kind of conflicts with it. I really do need to do stuff for me and find my happiness for myself and get over the anxiety of it all. The DB book has been a great resource and book.
Me:29 W:28 S:2 M: 5 years Bomb: 7-26-11 Separated: 8-20-11 EA w/ multiple OMs W filed 1/2012
Hi, Sorry you haven't had much support yet....keep posting and some great people will help. I'm probably not the best one to offer advice, as all I do is stuff things up and whilst ive been going through this a while, I'm still quite new and inexperienced and struggling to come to terms with this. Just follow the book and do the LRT as much as possible and relax....I struggle with it, but can see it's the right move. Take care
M 35 W 31 Separated 2/2011 but still together Ended it 4/2011 Together 8 yrs Married 3.5 yrs Lawyers involved 6/2011
