What do I do next? Part 3

[Crimson]

Sandi and LH -

This strikes a very significant chord with me, as I now can freely admit that I am a perfectionist (and slighty OCD) and it more than likely contributed to the decline of my M. The sad part is - you never really THINK you're being damaging - rather, I awlays thought I was acting in the best interests of my W and S. What I didn't see was a clear "I know best" attitude that probably stabbed at my wife like a dull pin. Paired with my height and loud voice (see my previous thread) I can see how my tendencies were taken poorly.

I am mad at myself because I never acted out of a lack of love. Quite the opposite, really - I just didn't know the terrible result it was causing - or just wasn't able to see it.

It is very hard to change this behavior because 1.) It's been going on a long time, and 2.) Life rarely affords me an opportunity to show my W that I am letting go of this part of my personality.

Stay at it, LH - I'm right there with you.

Crimson

[Rick1963]

A side effect of being a perfectionists is also at times being a procrastinator or just not completing a task out of fear.

[JamesG]

Rick-

Very, very true, IMO. My desire to do things "perfectly" in my M led me to take way too much time to complete projects. My W (very reasonably) complained about the lack of process with this projects but I did not hear her for any number of reasons, including those you listed. I now realize how turned off she was by my trying to give her my version of the "perfect" project. Thanks for the input.

[Accuray]

I am also a perfectionist (anyone seeing a pattern?) but I am not controlling. The thing I learned recently in IC is that even though I didn't expect anything of W, ask about what she was doing or criticize her in any way, just being around a perfectionist is a huge pain in the a$$.

If you're with someone who is constantly pushing themselves and commenting on things that aren't to their liking, it doesn't take much to assume they're thinking the same about you (even if they're not), and to feel inadequate by comparison.

People like people who make them feel good about themselves. If you're constantly outshined, you're not going to feel good, and eventually you're going to want to escape that situation, no matter how "nice" or good your spouse is.

One learning is to be more vulnerable with your spouse, let them know about your shortcomings, let them help you instead of you always helping them. Slow down on what you're trying to accomplish when they're around. Think about how you effect them, even if you think it's irrational.

That's my recent epiphany anyway...

Accuray

[NLW]

You're right Accuray, about the pattern: I am also a perfectionist with big control tendencies.

I'd like to echo Crimson's point about it being hard to change. In my case, I have a lot of authority and status at work, and it's a traditionally male domain - so I feel I have brought these traits into my personal life as well.

I can see how my H got fed up with me being like I am.

I've been trying to change in the way I interact with my kids, but there's less opportunity to do things differently with a spouse who's pretty much set on a course of bankrupting us through bad business decisions and reckless spending.

If any perfectionists, outshiners, and good hearted I-know-besters have any tips or specific examples about what's worked for them, please tell more.

[sandi2]

Interesting take on the viewpoints. I didn't realize I was controlling until my children were almost grown. I couldn't see it, but after it was pointed out quite unexpectedly(and I revived from my shock), I worked on that part really hard. And for those who are thinking about it,I can tell you that I find times that it's still very difficult. But, as I get older (and hopefully wiser)I tend to be able to let go and accept those things I cannot change. That is very important when your children get M and have a family of their own. And you siblings, and....so on.

Being a fixer sure sounds better than "controller", doesn't it? Gee, I just wanted my family to be happy! Problem was, I must have thought I knew what was best for them.

Maybe certain personalities tend to produce the controllers more so than others. Maybe it depends on the birth order, IDK. I didn't stand much chance either way....lol. But we "can" change the way we are in many things....if we want to bad enough, and if we continue working to get the right results. Now that sounds familiar!

I don't see controlling quite the same as being a perfectionist, but that's JMHO. (If a controller or perfectionist can have a humble opinion.)

Do you all believe that perfectionism is a learned behavior or inherited? Sometimes I swear I can see my mother when I look at myself!

[workinghardguy]

I used to teach a course to the parents of the students at an at-risk kids' school. A major theme of that class was that as your kids get older your level of control decreases proportionately. Parents who miss that often end up in set battles as they up the control and the child pushes back even harder. You can grab a five year old and put him in his room... Harder to do with a 16 year old

As the kids age it becomes more about influencing, advising, and setting boundaries. Positive reinforcement helps continue selected behaviors and the use of consequences (preferably naturally occurring ones) to discourage out-of-bounds behavior.

[NLW]

Amen to that WHG.

I have a nearly-16-y-o daughter, and I can see my controlling tendencies being a MAJOR problem for our relationship.

If nothing else good comes from my H's walking away, at least I will have woken up to the fact that I have these problems in my interactions with the ones I love the most.
I try to do what's best for everyone without taking into account that others may not want it this way. And I'm so much older, so much more knowledgable, used to being the expert, etc, etc. Might work in my job, but NOT at home.

Now if only I knew how to translate my understanding of my interactional problems into some different way of doing things! Pos rft is one great tool, as is natural consequences (but this is so hard with kids and others we love).

[westcoastfella]

I just feel like I am at a disadvantage because she doesn't live in our home any longer. Not being able to see her or her being able to see me (and any resulting changes) puts me in a chasing position.

Not so -- you're only in the chasing position if you put yourself there. I'm six months into my sitch, also dealing with an OM. W lives half of the country away from me, and because of her behavior, I've been avoiding her like the plague. Yet she still pursues me and constantly wants to find out what I'm doing.

Let your W go. There may be a long time that goes by where she seems to have forgotten you, but you can almost be assured that once enough time goes by, she will start to inch back. GAL in the meantime.

[luvhurts49]

I wish my W would pursue me, but she really doesn't care what it is that I'm doing. I have not initiated contact with her for 2 months. I know that doesn't sound like a long time, but to me it's an eternity.

So we had court today. Nothing too exciting other that we keep our same schedules with the kids and no child support as yet for either of us. I have exclusive rights to the house and she has to pay half the mortgage for the time being. Of course any of this can change since we have also been ordered to mediation, which is gonna make it kinda hard to not talk to her. I can't begin to tell you all how hard it was not to just go up to her and give her the biggest hug in the world. God I miss my W.