Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 803
B
BFloat Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 803
Could really use support...

Me:37.. H:32.
Two beautiful kids S:5 D:2
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11

Long story.. Everyone always thought we had such a great relationship (including myself). We had our ups and downs but mostly ups. Married after 3 years of dating and then decided to have kids after 3 years of being married.

After the birth of my daughter I really started to notice a change in our relationship. He was distant.. unhappy.. and so was I. I was suspicious and started snooping. Found out he had an affair in 07 (when my son wasn't even a year old). In '10, he was developing feelings for someone which had not lead to a PA. At that time, we went to counseling and things got better. But I think the underlying problems of why the affair started were never really dealt with. I tried not to ask too many questions because I didn't want to bring up all the hurt feelings and things slowly just got swept under the rug.

Fast forward to Oct '11. I had a cancer scare. After we found out that the results were negative.. everything just started going downhill. H telling me he feels he has never had to be an adult.. He wants to stand on his own 2 feet. Wants to be alone.. Doesn't want to be in a relationship.. Doesn't want the responsibility of being accountable to someone.. Feels resentful that I am always asking who he's talking to, where he's going.. Feels guilty for affair when he looks at me..

In our counseling session, he seems pretty determined that this relationship is over even as he's saying, he does have some hope of working things out. But he said "I feel done". MC suggests trial separation rather than making any definitive decisions.

As it stands, I am at home with the kids during the week, H home with kids on the weekend. We have dinner with the kids together twice a week during passover.. Dinner together without kids Saturday nights.

We have had some explosive conversations that have left me completely broken and in tears. Purchased DB (at the advice of my C) but am having a hard time putting it into practice. I continue with IC and H has been pretty good with going on his own as well. Our last session together was just bad as at that time he stated he didn't feel the need to be transparent nor did he feel he wanted to be. At the same time, he wants me to trust him and feel as though I can call him if I need something.

Sorry for the long story. I really need some advice and support from others who have been through the same situation. My friends and my mom have been great but, not quite the same.

Is this an MLC or is it just me?


Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 1,432
Likes: 50
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 1,432
Likes: 50
Barely,
I'm sorry that you are here. You're in a crappy situation, but you'll find a great support system here.

Cancer Scare... wow .... I'm sure that did throw your world in a tizzy.

The best thing you can do right now is give your H exactly what he is asking for. He wants to be alone and stand on his own two feet - let him

Doesn't want to be accountable to you - don't make him.

Don't ask where he is going or who is talking to.

It's going to go against every part of you but it is what must be done. Anything else will push him away.



Here is a list of 37 principles. Follow them to a T.

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!

2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!

4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.

6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.

7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.

8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)

9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.

10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)

11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)

12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.

13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.

14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.

15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.

16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.

17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.

19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.

20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.

21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.

22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.

23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!

24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!

25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.

26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).

27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.

28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.

29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.

30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.

31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.

32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.

33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.

35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.

36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.

37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.



You said you are having a hard time putting the book into practice? How so? How can we help you?


M(f): 40
D'ed: 8/12

Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.

Love at all costs because you are loved well.
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 81
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 81
Hi bf,

Sorry about your situation. Valeska's 37 principles are spot on. They are hard to implement, but they will make the situation more bearable for you, and if a reconcilation is meant to be, will lay the foundation for that to occur.

I made many of the mistakes listed. The most important thing I finally did was to "let go" and let H have his space. It may take many months, but eventually reality starts hitting home. Once I stopped pressuring H, he slowly started reaching out to me. I still don't know that the future holds for us. But I can tell you we are both in a better place as a result of my DB efforts.

Hang in there. There are lots of experienced posters out here who are here to support and provide guidance. I wish you the best in your sitch.


M:12yr
06/11:IDLYA
07/11:Moves out
08/11:PA disc(began in May)
09/11:Moves w OW
10/11:Breaks up w OW;gets apt
11&12/11: Touchngo w me
1/12: Comes home-PA resumes
2/12: PA disc; PA ends
Today: Piecing
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 825
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 825
Hi! I"m new to this forum as well.... and while our situations are a little different, my H is the one leaving. I have often thought that I was the cause for our separations, but I have come to realize that while I am responsible for some of it- so is he. Even though my H is only 31, I think he's having a MLC (and his mom thinks so too). You can read my long story and see that you're not alone smile
I can tell you that since I joined this online support system, I have been able to implement some of the 37 'rules'... its really hard at first but the more you 'force' yourself to do them, the easier they become. Right now, my main effort is to not ask questions and initiate talks. We are still living together, so it's hard to give space... but I'm trying to keep myself busy so I'm not always around the house when he gets home.
I am encouraged and comforted by the members who have been on here for months and even years.... they have a lot of experience and great advice. And the overwhelming majority of them suggest that the first few steps should be to detach and focus on yourself. It goes against every muscle in my body to 'let him go', but I'm really trying.

You've come to the right place to heal yourself and to focus on what you can do to fight for your M.


M-31, H-31
T-9, M-7
S-6, s-20mth
sep 8/1/11
ILYNILWY 11/29/11
Creating separation papers.
Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12
H moves out 1.20.12
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 982
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 982
Hey bf... Welcome and sorry all at the same time. If it's any consolation, my w and your h appear to have the same scriptwriter, so no, it's not only you and no these statements are not unheard of. Need for independence, standing on their own, married for the wrong reasons... All are part of this messed up stuff.m next, prepare yourself for actions that don't match with their heretofore made comments. Finding an OW, listings on dating sites, hitting on other woman... They want to be "independent" but then jump on the first train that rolls by... They're confused which will make you confused.

I can say this... When I came here w and I weren't talking, ever. Now we talk, probably too much and can at least co-exist in the same house. I'm not saying we're piecing or things are good... But the rules and DB have at least stopping the hemorraging. I've only been at this for 3 months which is pretty young in DB terms. Hang in there and find your inner you.


Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 982
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 982
Darn it... I also meant to add that I don't know that there is an age attached to MLC. I think it's different for everyone. I know my w cited her turning 31 as part of the issue that precipitated the crisis. I also have a woman who works for me who is a WAW right now. She has told me that turning 30 was a major trigger for her to re-evaluate life and trigger feelings of being unsatisfied and unhappy.


Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,987
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,987
I see so many common things between your sitch and mine. I can tell you its going to be a long road and not easy but what made it a little easier for me was changing my time frame from a week then to a month and now can handle thinking this will last 10 months. Who knows maybe that will change when we hit 10 months.

You & your H are the same age as me and my H. Even though I never pressured my H to have kids I think he did subliminally felt that my clock was ticking (& I wanted kids) and he wanted to give me what I wanted even if he didnt want it. My H was uncomfortable in the playground and meeting other parents - I think he felt like he didnt belong. Really everything changed when we had kids, I was less interested in sex and he was more interested.

Also I think our H being with us since their early 20s, I know my H didnt have too much experience with other woman is something he could be regretting in this crisis.

The cancer scare might have had a big effect on him. Facing a life or death issue when you are already feeling down can trigger a deeper depression.

I think your sitch is not hopeless at all. He is not saying D - all he is saying is time. Give him time. I know it stinks to hear him say that he wants to be alone but the sooner you can accept what he wants the sooner things will turn around. You need to take yourself out of the picture. Right now he is fighting you but once you agree with him - he will realize eventually that it has nothing to do with you but with him.

Post often it will help


----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 803
B
BFloat Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 803
thank you so much for reading my post and responding. i was wondering when my friends and family would start avoiding me because they've been become sick of listening to me. it's nice to feel "i'm not alone!" logically i've always known this but it's nice all the same.

H and i have dinner once a week without the kids. it's usually just about an hour or 2 but they have been pleasant for the most part. we don't talk about us.. more just casual conversation.

tonight after we had dinner, we sat in the restaurant for a bit and chatted. when left when we realized we were the only people left in the place. then we stood outside talking some more. mostly about what the kids were up to. finally we said bye and he waited until i was in my car to leave. there are no hugs or kisses.

i did mention that i wasn't heading home quite yet but didn't tell him where i was going. he also didn't ask.

our separation is informal. it ends january but i'm almost afraid to see what will happen at that point. i'm afraid that H will say that he wants it to be permanent.

i find it hard to put DB into practice because i get so emotional and then everything i know i shouldn't be doing is done. i'm really trying to detach and act as if. i just have to keep reminding myself. i find it hard to do the 180's because i feel as though i'm acting and it becomes insincere.

so confused and anxious all the time!


Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 803
B
BFloat Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 803
i read your story and do see so many similarities! i have the same fears that if everything is going smoothly while we're separated.. H will think that everything is great the way it is and that we should continue to be apart. my kids are about the same age as yours. it is so hard isn't it? i love my kids so much and want the best for them! and i believe that it includes having a family unit that has both parents in the home. i think H essentially has the same value but it really is like an alien abducted him! all of a sudden it seems as though he has to disagree with everyone in order to claim his independence. so frustrating!


Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 825
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 825
Hey BF,
Noticed you haven't posted here in a few days....

How are you doing? We are all in the similar situations, and the holidays make it extra hard. You don't have to survive the season alone smile

Please let us know how we can help you smile


M-31, H-31
T-9, M-7
S-6, s-20mth
sep 8/1/11
ILYNILWY 11/29/11
Creating separation papers.
Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12
H moves out 1.20.12
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard