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Meeting new people who enjoy you, and who you enjoy is step number one. There's a big hole for you right now that W used to fill. You need to start filling that gap in other ways and stop hoping that W will jump back in.

How do you do that? Meetup.com is a great resource, there are groups for virtually everything, and if there isn't one you're looking for, you can create a new one. It's great because it's non-threatening and non-committal.

Since the bomb, I have joined meetups for motorcycle riding, bicycle riding, and playing pinball. Gets me out doing things I enjoy, and meeting new people. Unlike joining a sports team or taking a class, if you can't show up any given time it doesn't really matter.

There are also meetups for single 30-somethings where you can just go out and go hiking with a mixed group, play pool, whatever, without the pressure of dating.

I think anything like that where you can join a group of people who are there explicitly to make new friends is going to benefit you. It's hard stepping into a new group where friendships are already established and you're the new person. Meetup is about breaking that down.

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 157
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For me, meeting new people isn't the easiest thing to do. Between my work schedule, time with the kids, getting things done that need to get done around the house, dealing with attorneys ($$$), bills ($$$), and everything else, there doesn't leave much of anything left for me.

I have the friends I have (not many), but can't really do much because this D is sucking every last penny out of me. And I mean trying to come up with money to rent a Redbox movie broke. Venting doesn't seem to help, I just end up thinking more about my W and going to an IC (again, $$$) doesn't seem to help me much either.

I talk to what friends and family I have left, but it's just the same of stuff over and over again and I'm sure they're getting sick of me always talking about my problems and cryin on their shoulders. I am just completely lost and I don't have any idea on how to get back. When my W left, she took all my strength with her and I just can't seem to find anymore.


Me36, W38
S12, S3
T20, M4
Bomb dropped 8/18/11
Moved out 8/18/11
Filed for D 10/20/11
OM Confirmed 11/5/11
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Try meetup. You're putting forward a lot of excuses, but those are just excuses and I'm sure you know that. If you decide to do it you'll make it happen.

Time with the kids -- you only have the kids half the time right?
Work schedule -- not much you can do about that, but I'm sure you have time when you're not working.
Housework -- set aside one to two nights a week and don't deal with it outside of those hours
Dealing with bills -- one night a week.

Worst case you should have 2 nights every other week, plus every other weekend to get out and do something. Pick meetups that center around things that don't cost any money, like hiking. Depending on where you live, check Craigslist and see if people are looking for crew for sailboat racing -- also free.

No one is going to turn this around but you. You have to dig for the strength and find it. Consider changing your living situation if your expenses are killing you, find a less expensive place to live. You'll be happier in the long term if you're not stretched so thin.

Try to find some counseling -- if you don't have money for it, find a church and talk to the priest or minister. If that doesn't appeal to you, consider a UU church which is not going to be religious. It will feel good just to go every Sunday and start seeing the same people each week.

You sound like you're bottoming out. You have to have faith that it will get better. There's nothing anyone is going to say to make this better for you at this point, you just have to decide to make it better for yourself. That can start by setting small goals -- get out and do one thing where you can meet people next week. Just one thing. Give attending a church service serious consideration, doesn't have to be religious. My UU church is really more of a social club in my view -- the minister is an atheist and recently gave a sermon that denying evolution is like not believing in gravity. I was thinking "this is supposed to be a church, right?"

Also consider exercise. Exercise can do wonders for your state of mind and self-confidence and doesn't have to cost anything. Just go for a walk every night, that's a good way to start. Ride a cheap bike, do pushups and situps, whatever you can manage. It will chemically improve your mood and help you feel better.

You need to help yourself Luvhurts, your kids need you.

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
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It gets better. You may not think so now, but at some point it gets better..


Me: 44
Bomb: 11/27/11
Divorced:6/12
Life goes on: 6/13


Dogs still like bacon...a lot.
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LH49, I have been where you are. I still occasionally have a day where I can't face the world. But mostly, I push myself to do something, really ANYTHING to get my mind off my sitch.

I second the meetup suggestion. It was one of the best things I could have done for myself. I also understand the money issue. You really do need to think about looking for a less expensive place to stay or any other changes you can make in other areas that will save you some money.

Church has also been my saving grace. Most churches off counseling for free or a small fee. Also check with your Human Resources department at work. Most companies have an Employee Assistance Program where you can get some counseling sessions for free.

We're all here to support you as much as we can. Accuray is right - your kids need you, so you need to help yourself first.


Me:37
H:GONE

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Selflessly Selfish
by Chayim Newman, M.A.


Willing to try an experiment? Grab a Post-it note and a pen… If you slept an average of 7+ hours per night this past week, put down a checkmark on your paper. If you ate three healthy meals per day this past week, put down another check. A third check if you exercised on five or more days. One more check if you felt like you managed your stress well and felt almost no muscle tension this past week. And a fifth check if you took some time each day for yourself to do something that you enjoyed, even for a few brief moments. Did you get all five checkmarks? I’d hazard a guess that almost no one checks off all five boxes, and certainly not on a regular basis. I’d suggest trying this experiment for a month and seeing how many checkmarks we amass.

The fact is, our self-care, composed of elements including: diet, exercise, stress management, sleep hygiene, and a number of other behaviors, is critical for optimal functioning. We are all aware of the research on declines in performance after sleep deprivation and in high stress situations, and there is significant literature to suggest that proper diet and consistent exercise also crucially impact performance – at work, at play and socially. Why then did few or none of us check off all five checkmarks this past week?

We all have irrational self-statements about our self-care and we use them to justify our reluctance to change our behaviors or to put in the effort required for healthy living.

- “It’s selfish of me to spend so much time on myself and my own needs”
- “I’ll be fine even if I don’t focus on my self care; plenty of people do so and live a long time”
- “Whatever I’m working on currently is more pressing than going to the gym or spending the extra time to prepare healthier meals”
- “If I tried to live that way, I’d fail after a couple of weeks anyway”

Some of those statements may sound familiar. I’ve said them to myself hundreds of times over the years. Unfortunately, these irrational statements are, well, irrational. They’re mostly inaccurate and certainly not functionally effective or conducive to health. In fact, one of the first signs of decompensation when one is suffering from clinical depression or severe anxiety is that these self-care regimens get compromised and, for all intents and purposes, thrown out the window. Therefore, one of the first things I always do as a clinician is to help clients re-establish their self-care regimen, giving their daily life an anchoring structure with which to then begin the work of addressing what underlies their emotional struggles.

Even for the non-clinical population, I think we’d all benefit from a more long-term view. As trite as it may sound, life really is a marathon rather than a 50-yard dash. And if we aspire to complete the marathon with our health and faculties intact instead of collapsing at the midway point, it will serve us well to commit now to our self-care (starting with the above five elements) as a real priority. While doing so, we can also recognize that it’s not a selfish commitment, but a truly selfless one, as only the functioning and balanced individual can effectively give of themselves to properly and patiently nurture others. Like they always say in the pre-flight announcement, we have to put on our own oxygen masks first, so that we may go out and properly help do so for others. Take good care of yourself. You’re worth it.


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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Luvhurts... I have not read your entire sitch but heard a cry for help.

I'm really sad you're hurting and can't seem to find your way out. But I will put it out there.. And you've heard it a million times before.. We have been there.. And it does get better.. If you so choose.

I am 37.. 2 small kids (5 and 2).. I juggle with caring for them and work as well. I work nights to accomodate child care. My H has the kids every second weekend.

It has been an upward battle.. I felt I didn't have many friends but through this process, I learned I have more friends than I thought. It just became clearer when I reinvested time in them. After a while.. People do get tired of the moping so I had to choose not to. So for GAL.. I had to force myself to just go. I am not financially flushed.. The kids and I pop popcorn and have "picnics" and a movie.. And coffee and people watching with a gf has become a favourite pastime.

I hope you choose to find you. It's an amazing gift. But it take courage.. And an open heart. Do you have it in you? I hope so. ((((( )))))


Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11
Joined: Sep 2011
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Originally Posted By: luvhurts49
I just wish I knew how to let her go. I really do want to be happy and I know I have to eventually get there in order to be the best dad I can be for my kids, but I just don't know how to let go of something that means so much to me.


Underdog posted this on another thread earlier today. I think it is worth repeating. I've modified it slightly to fit your particular sitch.

Originally Posted By: Underdog
"So, the moderators here used to tell us that what we focus on expands. That was undoubtedly the best observation I ever received here. As long as you focus on the problem, it just gets bigger billing in your life. If you focus on you and YOUR life, that will also take center stage.

Drop the rope, let himher wallow around in hisher own pond, and you work on making your pond the most attractive, fun place ever. No matter what heshe decides to do, you will gain from replacing hisher name on the marquee with your own. Don't you totally deserve that?"


Things will get better for you with the passage of time. Take a deep breath and then another.


Me51 W53 S17 S14
M22 T25
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
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Let's just throw another log onto the fire while we're at it. So I had set up an appoint to see my S12 IC and who shows up, my W and kids. Apparently, there was some confusion as to who set up the appointment, but nonetheless, I set up a new appointment but got to talk with him for a couple minutes anyway.

So I go to leave and my S3 says he wants to go "home" with daddy (keep in mind that he only calls my house "home", whereas my W lives at grandpa's). I try to explain that he has to stay with his mommy and I would see him in a few days. But he is relentless and keeps saying that he wants to go "home" with daddy.

At this point I am visibly shaken and beginning to tear up because in my mind, this shouldn't be happening. Our kids shouldn't every have to make that kind of choice whether to go with mom or dad and that it just be the same place...it should just be "home". I feel so heartbroken that this is happening and it hurts to hear my S3 making this choice to be with me instead of his mom on her day to be with him.

Anyway, finally my W just looks at me with the most unemotionally look I have ever seen...no frown, no scowl, no sign of teary eyes, nothing. She looks at me and says, if you wanna take him with you, go ahead because he's just going to bed when we get home. My heart literally jumped out of my chest and a piano fell on it. I could not believe that my W, this wonderful person who is the most caring and loving person I've ever met, could be so cold and unemotional. It's one thing to be that way towards me, but our kids? I was in utter shock. I almost lost it. I had tears coming down my face as I went to leave with my S3 and she had the nerve to ask me if I was alright. I simply could not believe it. I don't think I have ever been so disappointed in my life.


Me36, W38
S12, S3
T20, M4
Bomb dropped 8/18/11
Moved out 8/18/11
Filed for D 10/20/11
OM Confirmed 11/5/11
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,711
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Yes your W is behaving in a cold and is seemingly uncaring. But for you to rise above this mess, you need to detach your emotions from this sitch and be strong for your children. If she offers you the chance to spend more time with the kids, take it gladly and be on your way. Don't linger because you know that your emotions will catch up with you.

Your best opportunity to get your W back (and there is no guarantee at all) is to always be upbeat around your W and build a life for yourself. When the emotions start to get the best of you, you need to be on your way, pronto!

I know this is extremely difficult for you, LH. But you are not alone, we are all going through the same thing, though some are further along than others. Life will eventually get better. You just need to ride this thing out. Re-read some of the excellent advice you have been given and try to get your head together.

Hang in there!


Me51 W53 S17 S14
M22 T25
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
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