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#2201789 - 11/28/11 02:21 PM The Next Steps?
isittoolate Offline
Member

Registered: 11/17/11
Posts: 74
Loc: UK
Two weeks ago my world fell apart when I woke up to face what I now know to be Walk Away Wife syndrome - except my wife wants Me to leave the family home and find another place to live.
I’ve had the last two weeks to analyse what has got wrong and see how utterly stupid and short-sighted I have been. Here’s my story.
We’ve been married for 9 years and have two children 7 and 4. When our first was born we both relocated to Birmingham (UK) from London and I got a new job which involved a lot of midweeks away from home. It wasn’t ideal but the job (and money) was good. The first few years were fine but after our second was born we gradually drifted apart. I would come home grumpy after a long trip away and the wife would be tired from looking after the kids all week (as well as a full time job). We stopped making time for each other, sex became infrequent and predictable. I didn’t show her enough attention. As she once said, a marriage is like a flower, it needs to be watered or it will wither and die. She said she didnt mind if i was away for the week as long as i made a fuss of her when I got home.
About three years ago (or even longer)my wife started to warn me that I was neglecting the marriage but I rejected the idea and blamed our jobs, two kids, and the pressure of modern living. I could see we had problems but thought it was a phase we were going through ( our kids were 4 and 1) and we would recover as our kids got older. She also said I was a changed person, grumpy, moody and ‘no fun’. Looking back I was. I have few friends, (I had left most behind in London when we relocated) and in my job I have no work colleagues as I travel the country each week. When I wasn’t travelling I worked from home. In short, my social life was pretty non-existent and at the weekends I was too tired to go out and the wife would go out ‘with the girls’. Eighteen months ago she said she didn’t want sex with me anymore. I protested and we did have sex a few more times over the months but it wasn’t good sex. I tried to improve by getting fit and improving my diet but I didn’t improve the area she wanted most – intimacy – I didn’t know how to. We dont argue- never have and never will. Whenever she complained i retreated into my shell playing down her feeling and saying it was just as much her fault as mine. We never seemed to resolve any conflicts, instead things would go unsaid for months.
Last February my wife gave me, what in hindsight, was a final warning. I tried to change some more and succeeded a little. I did more exercise and joined a cycling club and generally tried to be more social. I got a new set of clothes, trendy and modern. Things looked better between us but I still couldn’t find it within me to give her the intimacy, love, attention and care that she wanted. I didn’t know how to break down the barriers she had built up. It was like walking on egg shells. She now says that hadn’t told me to go back then, only because she wanted to keep the family together. She didn’t love me but didn’t want to hurt me and break up the family.
A big obstacle has always been my job and her job. I am away most midweeks and if you are not together physically it’s impossible to be intimate. Her job is always very stressful and she goes to work at 06:30am every day. Even when I worked from home I would never see her in the morning. The weekends together had also become awkward with our focus on our children and doing exercise (my wife goes to the gym 2/3 times a week, I run or cycle).There was no focus on each other.
I now see that we had the classic symptoms of WAW syndrome. She had concerns about our marriage, I played them down, invalidated her feelings, repeat, and repeat. Then she stopped complaining, so I thought things were OK. She eventually gave up and started to plot an exit strategy. For the last three months she has become a wooden door and stopped even kissing me goodnight and letting me hold her hand and started doing things with the kids without me. I hardly protested as I was petrified that she would tell me she didn’t love me anymore, and wanted me to leave.
So 14 days ago she said it. She wants me to move out and find another place to live. I am devastated and have gone through all the emotional turmoil that are described on these pages. I suggested marriage counselling, but she rejected it out of hand saying her mind was made up (and has been for months possibly since February) she is not in love with me anymore, but loves me as a friend. She will not let me cuddle her, kiss her (even goodnight), or hug her….in case I get the wrong idea. She doesnt want to hurt me further by getting my hopes up of a reconciliation
On the plus side she has given me until mid January to find a place to live. On the down side my job will mean I am away from her for 20 out of the 40 day/nights between now and Christmas. I know I mustn’t smother her with unwanted attention and push her away, but it is hard when you are away all the time. I have tried hard to change over the last 2 weeks - reading self-help books and changing my ways - we talk more, I listen more, I am getting fitter and have joined a running club. She says that her mind is made up and she will never love me again, that we are not meant to be together, and she will not change her mind. I have tried to take things one day at a time and not lose hope - it is the hardest thing i have ever experienced. She has said things are better between us and she lets her a foot rub but that is all the physical contact she will give me.

So the crux of the matter is: How do I get her to go to counselling and how do I show care, attention and intimacy without being able to touch her? How do I break down the barriers she has put up? How do I sow the seeds of doubt in her mind and get her to feel a tiny bit of love towards me? How do I show her that I will change for ever? That I heed her call for love, that I will even change my job so I can be at home more with her and the kids; I will become more sociable, fun loving and a better father to our kids; that I will take the initiative with organising our quality time together… in short be the husband she wants me to be. What are my next steps?
_________________________
Me 45 W 42
T 11 M 9
S7 S4
Bomb on 11/15/11
2nd Bomb on 3/27/12
Moved out 4/9/12
Moved back in 4/23/12
W wants to work on US 5/20/12 - Now Piecing!

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#2201999 - 11/29/11 10:37 AM Re: The Next Steps? [Re: isittoolate]
Cadet Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/09
Posts: 5188
Welcome to the board.

First of all

DO NOT MOVE OUT OF YOUR HOUSE or the MASTER BED ROOM.

Get the Divorce Remedy book and read it.

You are making changes but understand that the changes need to be for YOU, not to win her back.
You must LET HER GO. Learn about detachment. Get out and GAL(get a life).
Start doing some of the things that attracted her to you before the marriage started.

Sorry you are here but you now have been give a gift by your wife.

TIME.

Use it wisely.
_________________________
Me-60, D27,S26

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#2202017 - 11/29/11 11:14 AM Re: The Next Steps? [Re: Cadet]
Grace_O Offline
Member

Registered: 01/27/07
Posts: 4541
Loc: California
Hello Isit,

Don't move out.

As far as counseling goes, if she doesn't want to work on the marriage (and it doesn't sound like she does right now), what's the point?

All C's are not DB friendly and if one of you wants out they may help to facilitate that.

Do work on you. That's all you really can do right now.

HUGS

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#2202142 - 11/29/11 04:35 PM Re: The Next Steps? [Re: Grace_O]
isittoolate Offline
Member

Registered: 11/17/11
Posts: 74
Loc: UK
Thanks for the replies.

I have no intention of moving out - I have been given the gift of at least 10 weeks to work on myself, and of course the R, and I intend to use everyday to better myself and the R.

The things I have worked on so far:
Personal grooming - shaving everyday, cologne etc
Getting fitter - joined running club and doing pushups everyday.
Bought a couple of nice pieces of clothes - complimented by the W.
I have also tried to eliminate bad personal habits - i.e. untidiness.
I am buying a new pair of glasses - so that when i look in the mirror I am reminded of the new Me!
I have also started to do more things with the boys - going to the movies, ten pin bowling etc.

In fact today was most encouraging for several reasons:
1. W made me a cup of tea - something she rarely ever does because she doesn't drink tea!
2. She TM'd me twice - for the first time since she said the 'I want you to move out' words - these TMs were unsolicited - I have tried not to text her at all except to tell her when i will be home.
3. She also signed the TMs with a 'X' - again for the first time in 4 weeks - my heart skipped several beats!
4.last night was the first time for about 5 nights that she didn't have a foot massage - and she said she missed it and we made a 'date' for tonights foot massage at 8:30!
5 Also she confirmed that we have a babysitter for Friday - so we can go to the movies!

I am trying not to read too much into all this but the way i see it is i've got 1000 blocks of ice to defrost and i have defrosted 5 today....995 to go!

The things i have to work on are:
not emotionally pressuring her; not physically touching at all (except foot massage); listening listening and more listening; arranging a few GAL evenings for me.

I have also ordered DB and DR and am reading a book about Mars and Venus....I'm still learning......
_________________________
Me 45 W 42
T 11 M 9
S7 S4
Bomb on 11/15/11
2nd Bomb on 3/27/12
Moved out 4/9/12
Moved back in 4/23/12
W wants to work on US 5/20/12 - Now Piecing!

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#2202191 - 11/29/11 09:48 PM Re: The Next Steps? [Re: isittoolate]
adinva Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/11
Posts: 2773
Loc: VA
Sorry that you are here. Sounds like you are making good progress. Why wait to change your job - start immediately. Whether you D or not, your job is keeping you away from your kids as well as your W. If you can improve your quality of life and family relationships, it's worth looking.
_________________________
Adinva 48 H48
T22 M19 S16 S14
6/15/11 IDLY
6/11-12/12 in-home sep
12/16/12 H moved out
Nothing signed yet
____
Be the change you want to see in the world (Gandhi)

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#2202275 - 11/30/11 08:38 AM Re: The Next Steps? [Re: adinva]
isittoolate Offline
Member

Registered: 11/17/11
Posts: 74
Loc: UK
adinva - In the first week I actively looked for another job and told the W. She didn't want me to leave my job saying it wouldn't save the R and I would end up in a lower paid job. She is right, IF we D, but of course I hope we stay together.
So I have backed off and haven't mentioned it for the last 2 weeks.

If we stay together I WILL change my job, but if we D then I will need the good money it brings.

Also I haven't got the energy to do all the changes I am making and look for a new job and the economic climate is v. poor and it isn't so easy to find a good job especially over Christmas.

Anyway, today I took the W's car for a valet...lets see if she notices! I am also cooking tonight and making her lunch for tomorrow. As part of my GAL,I will be going to my first running club session tonight as well.
Lastly I bought some foot cream to enhance the foot massages. Lets see what she makes of it.
_________________________
Me 45 W 42
T 11 M 9
S7 S4
Bomb on 11/15/11
2nd Bomb on 3/27/12
Moved out 4/9/12
Moved back in 4/23/12
W wants to work on US 5/20/12 - Now Piecing!

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#2202595 - 12/01/11 01:13 PM Re: The Next Steps? [Re: isittoolate]
isittoolate Offline
Member

Registered: 11/17/11
Posts: 74
Loc: UK
Last night felt good....I went running with the club and got back to find she had noticed the valleted car - she thanked me. She also liked the enhanced foot massage and thanked me for making her lunch!...3 more ice blocks melted... 994 to go. She sent me to TMs today but without a 'x' at the end, so that was a little disappointing,,,oh well.

So far we dont talk about the R ,,we are just getting along with our lives except now it feels like we are together, talking listening, organising etc BUT there is the notable absence of any intimacy - cuddles, hugs, holding handds, hopefully it will come before Xmas, but I am prepared to be patient.

Last weekend I talked about the profound changes I was making (not for the R but for me), possibly it was a mistake - I should have let her notice it. Anyway, now I will not talk about it so much and hopefully let her realise that my changes are permanent.

Tonight I am away from home staying in Liverpool, I will not ring her or TM her. Lets see if she rings me.
Tomorrow I am back home and we are going to the movies. This will probably be our last date for a while as she has a xmas party next weekend and the following weekend we are going to London as a family.
_________________________
Me 45 W 42
T 11 M 9
S7 S4
Bomb on 11/15/11
2nd Bomb on 3/27/12
Moved out 4/9/12
Moved back in 4/23/12
W wants to work on US 5/20/12 - Now Piecing!

Top
#2202973 - 12/03/11 09:48 AM Re: The Next Steps? [Re: isittoolate]
isittoolate Offline
Member

Registered: 11/17/11
Posts: 74
Loc: UK
I find when i am away from home midweek I cant sleep in the hotels, I was up at 4 am on Thursday!Hence Friday I was v. tired but managed not to appear grumpy or down when she asked me 'whats wrong?'
Anyway we went to the movies after a bit of a debate about which movie to see (it was my idea so i got to pick) but unfortunately it wasn't very good and it finished very late, so the W. moaned a little afterwards. One encouraging thing was that it was v cold in the cinema so she initially moved a little closer to get a bit of my body warmth. But after a while she decided to put her coat on and moved away again! Oh Well

This morning was good though, The Boys often come into our bedroom for cuddles 'with mummy' when they wake early, and this morning was the usual, except my eldest wanted cuddles from me, and maybe it got her thinking....
Also, one of our boys is extremely ticklish and we all started to tickle each other. The W even tickled me and I got to tickle her back (though I was careful not to overdo it). It was fun and a good way to start the day...I recommend tickle time!
_________________________
Me 45 W 42
T 11 M 9
S7 S4
Bomb on 11/15/11
2nd Bomb on 3/27/12
Moved out 4/9/12
Moved back in 4/23/12
W wants to work on US 5/20/12 - Now Piecing!

Top
#2203235 - 12/05/11 02:24 AM Re: The Next Steps? [Re: isittoolate]
Cadet Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/09
Posts: 5188
Originally Posted By: isittoolate
I have no intention of moving out - I have been given the gift of at least 10 weeks to work on myself, and of course the R, and I intend to use everyday to better myself and the R.


Take it out of your signature.
You may not have all 1000 bricks thawed out in 10 weeks and at the end of that time there might be another 1000 piled on your door.

Be responsible for your 50% of the marriage breakdown, but understand that she has 50% too that you have no control of.

Moving out is one of the top 10 mistakes that you can make.
DON"T do it under any circumstances!

Keep working on YOU and your bricks.
_________________________
Me-60, D27,S26

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#2203247 - 12/05/11 08:25 AM Re: The Next Steps? [Re: Cadet]
isittoolate Offline
Member

Registered: 11/17/11
Posts: 74
Loc: UK
Cadet - you are right!...it is removed from signature

We haven't discussed the R for 8 days now, and I have managed to keep an even mood on the exterior and to move forward on the interior. It all feels slightly surreal, as if everything is hunky-dory in the world,,, except no intimacy between us!
Ii guess we are rediscovering each other and hopefully she is learning to trust me

How I long just to hold her hand!
_________________________
Me 45 W 42
T 11 M 9
S7 S4
Bomb on 11/15/11
2nd Bomb on 3/27/12
Moved out 4/9/12
Moved back in 4/23/12
W wants to work on US 5/20/12 - Now Piecing!

Top
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