Don't know how much longer I can endure this!

[tested metal]

When I dropped off D at the W's place today, I was greeted with a scowl. Apparently a bartender who I work with (like once a month) has been spreading a rumor that we were reconciling. The W accused me of telling him that we were which I have never talked to him about our relationship. Anywho, apparently the OM was told the rumor and that coupled with a text I sent W regarding a time of dropping off D must have ruffled his feathers about their relationship.

She is now telling me I can't text her anymore. Which I only had texted her for emergencies or change of plans only.

She also demanded that I "fix this", meaning the rumor, although I had nothing to do with it, and call the mediator to find out a cost. I told her to call the mediator herself if she wants to know the cost, but I won't be able to afford it for a couple of months.

I kept calm the whole time, but I really am getting sick of her calling the shots and pushing me around. I would laywer up but I don't have the money and she really could steamroll me if she decided to file as I can't afford representation.

We agreed on being cordial, but she apparently has changed her mind.

Last thursday her grandpa died and she requested that I bring D to visit her parents when it was my holiday with her. I was nice and gave them 2 hours, which they were grateful. She also has changed her hair color back to it's original color. I wonder if the death of grandpa and the demotion is making her think.

Anywho, just venting. I am currently looking at gyms to get back in shape and enjoying every minute of my time with my D. She is 16 months old and started to say "I missed you" and I love you" to me. She really is starting to communicate!

[warriorshadow]

We agreed on being cordial, but she apparently has changed her mind.

Tested,

If this didn't happen to you too, I would feel cheated.

The bottom line is the MLC'r has no mind, at least not a stable one.

MLC'rs as a whole will probably not be cordial most of the time.

How can they be cordial when there is so much turmoil in their minds?

Selfishness and narcissism is the total OPPOSITE of cordial, so this is totally expected of someone going through MLC.

WS

[~ kd ~]

lol WS...

Yup, my W started with the "at least we can be friends"... changed her mind... "I'll never pay the cost for a SA"... changed her mind... "co-parent"... changed her mind... and again... and again...

As far as cordial... hadn't heard from my W in almost 2 months... I tell my mediators that I'm concerned about trying to negotiate with her... they (innocently enough) they relay that concern to my W... and I get a two page email attacking me on every front from bad parent to she doesn't have a bf (I haven't accused her of that for 6mo) to my job hunting skills and effort...

Yes tested... I agree with WS... I'd be concerned for me if this wasn't "normal" for other MLCers...

[tested metal]

I think that what bothers me is that I truely wonder if she is in MLC, is a complete B, or have I done something to deserve this???

I am doing my best to keep a PMA and I have detatched quite a bit, but even when I folow "the rules" I still get burned. I know, I know... welcome to MLC land.

I almost just want to give up and start fresh with someone else. But the W will still be in my life for at least 18 more years.

My hats off to you all who have dealt with this for more than 2 months... you have to have the patience of a saint!

[Cadet]

She will be in your life forever.
You have a child together.

Maybe patience is something you need to work on?

[PEI]

Two months?!?

Hun, there are folks here who have been dealing with "this" for years! And yep ... my hat goes off to them too!

Pride's a beotch huh?

You can't get burned if you detach ... that's a lesson I took a while to figure out!

PEI

[willbeok]

Tested My Heat goes out to you, I can fully understand your frustration with your W..

Understand this when they are in a crisis they do NOT think like a normal person they can not look past their own nose.. she has many issues going on in her own mind, she feels anger, she is confused, she will be forgetful, she will be up one day and down another, she will be nice at one point and be nasty the next time..
Now for you this is going to be hard to deal with, BUT if you no longer feed into anything she dishes your way, If you no longer react to anything she says, If you no longer feel it's about you, is when you will start to detach from her and all her emotions...

If you just look after yourself and your D, I promise you not only will you feel better but your eyes will start to open and see that she is in her own hell and all you can do at this point is let go of her, let her go on her own journey and while she is off in LALA Land, take care of you and your D.. Now I am NOT saying to give up on your M I am just saying Give yourself a pat on the back, give yourself credit, and take sometime for You...

You said you are looking to find a gym to Join "Great" do something For You, Make yourself feel good at this time, If you do start to detach from it all you will down the road see changes in her....

I wish you well

[willbeok]

and that should say my Heart goes out to you..

[psalm46:10]

Hi Tested-
I think it is normal to blame yourself- I know I have (I am only 3 months in since his bomb). But I am slowly realizing that it has NOTHING to do with me. Unfortunately we get the brunt of their nastiness because we are there- but it is not about us.
Detaching is the easiest way to make it not hurt so much- but that is hard as well. I have been praying for just enough detachment to get through each encounter. And I think it is working. Keep taking care of yourself and your D.

[tested metal]

So W's birthday is coming around the corner and X-mas is too. I am wondering if I should get W a present from D (since she is too young to get one herself) or just let it be. I know for myself, if I feel like it, I would only get her a card for her birthday. She is really touchy right now so I really want to just lay low.

I hate these no win situations.

Thank you for all your advice. I know I need more patience. The funny thing is I am usually a patient guy. I am way more patient than W ever was, I know that for sure. I am trying not to take W's venom personally.

I am trying to use the Love and Logic approach with my W in setting boundaries with her. It incorporates a lot of what has been taught on these forums. I realize my W is not a child, but acts like one. I will empathize with her when she vents and validate her feelings, but will stick to my guns on my boundaries if she pushes it. Sticking to my guns is a 180 compared to what I used to do when she would try to push me into doing something I would not like to do.