To me... this trust thing... it's more of a smokescreen for an internalized personal issue. One that relates to forming healthy bonds and opening one's self up in a time of need. It's not really "trust" but connection. What I believe they are saying is "when I was hurting you never connected with me the way I needed you to" therefore I can't trust that you won't leave me alone in my pain again.
When I was working in the corporate world we often conducted internal people surveys and I recall a question that was always asked "is your boss trustworthy?" They would often provide a definition with the question and as I recall for the question of trust, they were saying, does your boss follow through on commitments, does your boss do what they say they are going to do, etc.
So I think trust can be defined many ways. When we think of trust in relationships, we often default to lying or infidelity. What I think our spouses may be saying is that I don't trust you to be there for me when I need you most. Or, you are not consistently there for me and I've been burned enough to no longer trust you, emotionally.
agreed...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Sandi - Your post appears to suggest that you were the WAW who was having an EA. How did you find your way back?
I never left the house, but I was a WAW in heart. It had been in the makings for a long time. When I started playing around on-line, then of course....it ended with me in an EA.
The bottom line was that I knew what I was doing was wrong and went against everything I had been taught. I tried to find justifcation, but didn't get any. I found my way to the DB board and was very blessed to have two women who worked closer with me than anyone else. There were several others, of course, but these two seem to be war angels that wasn't going to let me loose to D. They didn't hold back on anything, and to this day I give credit to the good Lord for directing my path to get here....and for everyone who gave me the "truth" about my feelings, the EA, and OM.
It still took a lot of time before I was willing to put forth any effort to save the M. Let me say that differently. I did put forth some effort, but it was not heart felt and it wasn't the type of effort my H was seeking.
Making the decision to stay in the M was a very difficult step. I'm not sure that a LBH really gets that. I can understand that he'd think it should be the easiest part to decide you would not leave and break up your family. But if the WAW is going to stay with the LBH, it needs to be understood that is will be a "marriage" and not some buddy-buddy roommates stuff. That is what I "suggested" in a round-about way to my H, and he let me know right off the top that it would not be that type of arrangement. Which I didn't like it at the time, but I had to respect him for saying it. It was as if he was reminding me that he was a man, and not the doormat I had been stepping on.
After I stopped my contact with OM and ended the EA, I think MC could have helped my H and me. However, he would not agree to it. I believe that made our healing time longer and maybe harder than if we had seen a professional.
I continued to come to the board every night. It was my therapy. It still is. I know I often talk a little harsh for newcomers, but that kind of plain speaking is what kept me coming back when I was in an EA. So now, I try to pay it forward.
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If MC is not a good option, what is?
Do you understand why I said it wasn't a good option when the WAW is in an A? Only when she has willingly left the A & OM, and desires to R the M, will MC be able to get positive results. You would not only be spinning your wheels, but more anger and resentment would build in your W (but I don't think she would stay long enough to let much build).
The other option? I really believe the Do's and Don'ts, or LRT list (whatever you wish to call it) works best. If she thinks you are "interested" in her......you aren't "available" for her.......you are going out without her.......you are being mysterious......you are detached.......it will draw her in and cause her to start seeing if she can still "affect" you like she use to. Human nature doesn't change much.
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Do I have to move out to show W that I am willing and able to move on, thus giving her the space and freedom she is seeking. Where does that decision ultimately lead?
I strongly advise you not to move out. The only way I would advise moving would be if the children were being exposed to violent arguments, physcial abuse, etc. There are some cases where the environment at home is so bad that a couple has to separate before they can come back together, but so many don't R after seperation.
The "space and freedom" that you need to give her is not the same kind of space and freedom she is seeking. When we tell you to pull back and give her space, we mean to stop pursuing her and stop smothering her. Give her more freedom by doing things without her, without being glued to her side, GAL, etc. The space & freedom shedesires is so that she can carry on an A and to act as though she is single. She thinks getting you out of the picture will accomplish that. She doesn't want you around to remind her that she's a W and mother and/or mess up her playhouse.
I'm not exactly sure what you mean by showing her that you are willing and able to move on.
The WAW, who is in an A, lives in a fantasy world she has created for herself. Remember the PEAS and how that affects her mind. That is her drug and she will drain your life savings to get her fix.
I would say not to try to prove anything to her at this time. If anyone has proving to do, it should be her. A WAW has a keen way of making the LBH feel that he's the one that needs to prove something or take all the blame for the downfall of the M.
The best thing you can do right now is to stay calm and do not agree with any of her ideas for the future, like selling the house, etc. If you don't know what to say whenever she springs one of her "ideas", then just tell her you'll have to put some thought into it. It sounds like she's use to making major decisions in the M and she may try to bulldoze you down.
It's so important to keep your focus off her and the things she says. Have you a plan made and work the plan.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
hello 2, Brought the subject up at my divorce support meeting last night about our finances. Most of the group were women, they all found it curious that my s is almost completely indifferant about my pensions, finances, etc.
The point made here on the board is valid, it appears our sp's still want the security of knowing they do not have to worry about finances, but we run the risk of still being seen as controlling by continuing to run the investments. I will have to think this one over carefully.
Hope you are having a good day, it is snowing here!
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
