W is angrier after my 180's - time + consistency

[Rick1963]

2tp don't try to mind read why she is behaving like this. i agree with WHG. DBing is process that takes time. We are looking at months if not longer and there are no guarantees. So keep working on you and make those changes stick so she can see them. Hang in there

[25yearsmlc]

let me get this straight...

You are making changes YOU feel were needed for you to make AND SHE has noticed them too.

It confuses/pains her b/c she says the changes are great BUT "too late"...so

YOU think DBing is making it worse??

She'd already have filed if that were true...wake up.

You are not getting the immediate results you wanted and UNrealistically expected.

So?

Join the club. It's a LONG road, not a one month deal. No way has she been miserable for the WHOLE marriage...

so you back off and KEEP doing the changes so she knows they are real.

The MINUTE you stop those changes is the second she says "THANK GOD, b/c NOW i'm validated in my choice to leave h"...

so don't stop them.

Oh and remember, the changes were NOT supposed to be all about getting her back or they'd merely be tactics.

This was supposed to be about YOU being your best self...

don't stop now. THIS is the REAL Test...

((( )))

[2thepoint]

I'm very concerned about my W's emotional state. It is one thing to cry, it is entirely different to sob uncontrollably as my W was doing this morning. The last time that happened was shortly after she dropped the bomb almost 2 months ago. I'm only concerned that DB'ng is making things worse for my W.

Maybe that is what has to happen for real change in all of us to occur, but it is very frightening to see. I read "ninelives" sitch last night as you suggested in a previous post and that is what has me very scared for my W.

Perhaps I shouldn't care about these things and continue to focus on me which I will continue to do. It is just so darn tough to see the one you love in such pain and not do something, anything to help alleviate her suffering.

This is what is running through my mind.

I too am hurting, but I guess my grieving is different than my W's. I know my DB'ng has been making a difference in me and the lives of my children and my W is noticing. Perhaps she is freaked out by the changes, not thinking I was capable of making these changes and now thinks she can't put the genie back in the bottle, even if she wanted to. Deep down, my fear is that maybe she is right. That we will never be able to R because to much damage has been done, too much hurt, too much pride.

Intellectually I know that this is a very long process. The path along the way however is riddled with unexpected potholes that are really tough to deal with having never been down this road before, (I know, keep the path home smooth and paved).

So it is these types of matters that start to crop up as I journey down this path that have me questioning if what I am doing is the right thing to do.

If I want to save my marriage, then I guess the answer is yes it is the right thing to do. There is just so much uncharted territory that I'm feeling extremely vulnerable.

I hope that makes sense.

For everyone who has taken the time to read up on my sitch and post comments, please know that I appreciate it tremendously. The variety of perspectives is very helpful. Even if I don't always like what I read, I know that you are all here to help and not hinder. So, thank you!

[sandi2]

I read "ninelives" sitch last night as you suggested in a previous post and that is what has me very scared for my W.

His WAW had a history of mental problems. Does your W threaten to commit suicide?

I'm only concerned that DB'ng is making things worse for my W.

No, what makes things appear worse is her not getting her way. And, in case this is the first time you've been told....a woman, especially a WAW, can become hysterical if she thinks things aren't going the way she wants. It is not uncommon for a WAW to do exactly what your W did.

Was she telling you all of this as you held her, comforting her? It seems her tears did the trick. And, btw, she probably wondered what took you so long to finally get upstairs to check on her. You probably won't believe that she was doing all of that on purpose.....and that she had you eating out of her hand after she finished.

I too am hurting, but I guess my grieving is different than my W's.

She is not grieving! She is having an affair!! You even talked about OM as if this was all his fault for placing your W under all this stress. Please!! You refuse to see the situation for how it really is.

Before you decide to walk out and hand everything over to her, have you checked to see if that could be considered abandonment in your state? Might want to check on some legal advice regarding that. If you leave the home, chances are her lawyer could get more money for her.

I know you're afraid. But you still have to do what's right. You have to be a strong leader for your family. Moving out to let your WAW have more freedom to carry on her affair is not the sort of leadership that's needed for your children. Do you agree?

[25yearsmlc]

sandi,

check out what his DB coach is telling him (to move out and give her the space she says she wants, and possibly speed up the demise of the affair, or so I'm assuming) and read HIS own history of being pretty much what he describes as "very selfish" and...well,

her needs have gone unmet a long time. She has not had it easy. He played a role in this and I for one am glad he gets that. Which is also why I think there's hope in this sitch.

However, 2t, as sandi says, don't be so fast to blame OM for her pain. She may be feeling guilt and pressure and all that, but that's a normal thing for someone with half a conscience.

So does that mean YOU file for divorce to smooth the exit for her?'

I don't think so...but blaming DB for any of this seems really odd to me.

How have your improvements possibly worsened things? Seriously...

by that rationale, you should scream at her and call her all the horrible names in the book and threaten to hit her

all so she can feel great about divorcing, and then there'd be clarity...??

I don't think so. I think you are confusing her and that's not a bad thing. She based her choices on who you had become and now you are throwing a wrench into those plans...but

unless she's had a history of mental/emotional illness or a present diagnosis of one,

then stay focussed on YOUR own personal work.

Sometimes we use other's pain or symptoms to keep us from working on our own character flaws.

[MrBond]

Bottom line is that you can't control what a person will do or feel. In the end it's their decision. Your choice to DB isn't what's causing your W to feel hurt. She's doing that all on her own.

What you can do is to be the stronger person that she will be attracted to when she needs it.

[2thepoint]

Sandi - No, my W has not threatened to commit suicide, but she does have a history of depression and this is what has me scared. She is emotional like I've never seen her before. Maybe it is all an act or her guilt is catching up with her. Either way, I'm very concerned for her welfare.

No, what makes things appear worse is her not getting her way. And, in case this is the first time you've been told....a woman, especially a WAW, can become hysterical if she thinks things aren't going the way she wants. It is not uncommon for a WAW to do exactly what your W did.

You may very well be right. I've just never known her to be manipulative like this.

Was she telling you all of this as you held her, comforting her? It seems her tears did the trick. And, btw, she probably wondered what took you so long to finally get upstairs to check on her. You probably won't believe that she was doing all of that on purpose.....and that she had you eating out of her hand after she finished.

Again, you are probably right on this point, but I would find it hard to believe.

25 - with regard to my previously stated concerns/doubts about DB'ng, I guess the effects as they are currently unfolding is something I don't think I was prepared for. I know I read about this stuff but until you see it and experience it first hand, it is really difficult to be fully prepared. If what I am seeing is a natural reaction to my DB techniques, then HOLY SH!T BATMAN!! What else do I have to look forward to?

[sandi2]

When is your next session with DB Coach?

[2thepoint]

Sandi - I don't have a session scheduled yet. I do have weekly sessions scheduled with an IC who is trained in "Solution Focused Brief Therapy".

[2thepoint]

And so begins another sad day in the life of 2thepoint.

My W has finally told her sister about our sitch. Good for her! She needed to get this off her chest. She has had this bottled up for so long I know it has been killing her. She sent me a text late yesterday with the following:

"I told my sister. I'm sorry, I really want to respect your privacy. I just needed to know she won't hate me."

That last part has nothing to do with her guilt over the EA. I'm certain of that. What it is is her concern over being judged by her family because of the break up and because she knows that all of us are very close. She says they adore me. Whether or not that is true, I don't know. But I am closer to her family than I am to my own. So our break up is going to be a blow for sure.

This morning I got a text from my brother-in-law (W's sister's husband) that said the following:

"Hi 2thepoint. Very said to hear about you and W. If you want to talk about anything at all, please call, text, email. You'll always be our uncle 2thepoint & our feelings for you will never change . We'll talk AND see you soon. Hang in there buddy."

I am feeling so grief stricken! I've never felt this sad, ever! Maybe I've been lucky to have lived so long and not had to feel this kind of pain.

Got to get a grip! Damn this is hard stuff!

That's all for now.