W is angrier after my 180's - time + consistency

[2thepoint]

here is the link to the old thread:

[gr8 day 2B alive]

b

/c maybe (and this is a guess of course) she's not sure she trusts the changes/180s...

so if you remember to "do the math"

consistent changes + sufficient time = change she can believe in...

then you'll find out what she means.

2, i'm late to your sitch. But this happened to me.
W saw changes in me. Changes that stuck, but she still couldnt
trust that the future M would work.

It's going to require more patience from you. This is when you don't want to push her.

I think more validation is in order here.

Your W has to get through her fears.

Continue doing you positive changes.

[2thepoint]

Gr8 - thanks for your post. BTW - I love your profile name!

It's very early in this process for me so I agree that a lot of time and patience is going to be required.

I'm really counting on my T and DB coach to help me understand how to work through the rough spots and address my controlling, selfishness and emotional absence. I think I've got the selfishness figured out. It seems like it really isn't much more than an awareness and then a conscience decision so hopefully I'll manage that effectively.

It is the controlling part that really worries me. I think I understand where it comes from but how to recognize it when it rears its ugly head and then manage it is something that I think is going to be tremendously challenging. I have the desire but need the guidance.

The emotional stuff (support, understanding, healing) is something I think boils down to simple communication, (seek to understand, demonstrate compassion, validate, validate, validate...). Maybe it is more. I guess I'll figure it out over time.

[2thepoint]

Quick post before turning in for the night:

Today was much better than yesterday from the emotional side of things. Maybe I flushed it out of my system for the time being. I know it will be back.

Today was productive in terms of some 180's and GAL activities. I went to the gym early, continued work on updating the house, cooked dinner for the family....and then something interesting happened.

My W decided to watch a little TV with the family for the first time in WEEKS! She hung out and watched a few innings of game 6 of the World Series. I think she would have stayed a little longer but the boys were acting up and it made it difficult to enjoy the game.

I also noticed that she doesn't appear to be texting as much and the little netbook that she was using to Skype has been in the family room for several days now. So, either she has gone underground (a distinct possibility), OM is away (also a possibility since I thought I overheard her make a call the other morning to wake him up for an early morning flight), or things have cooled some (less likely).

Tomorrow I have a session with T and also with my DB coach. As per my previous post I want to focus on issues.... Control, Selfishness and Meeting Emotional Needs. I also want to discuss my moving out of the house and detaching.

Question for anyone willing to offer an opinion... I'm debating whether or not it is time (especially upon my moving out) to write a letter to my W basically saying that "I love you but you want out of the marriage so I'm going to let you go". Of course I will go full DB after that but want to know what people think about that. This approach has been covered in "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson and I think it is similar to the Ultimatum in DR.

So my question is, is it too early?

[2thepoint]

One T session down, DB coach session later today. I discussed the concept of a release/ultimatum letter with the T and he thought it was a good idea but also said he thought it was premature at this point. I'm going to bounce this off the DB coach this afternoon for additional perspective.

Some things I learned today regarding controlling behavior:

- I need to continue to be self aware of my actions and behavior
- I need to focus more on my self and my own behaviors and not worry about controlling others behavior.
- I need to recognize that I can't compete with the OM or W's T because these are things I can't control.
- Instead focus on making myself the best person I can be.
- Put up mental roadblocks to help detour away from controlling behavior.

My T thought that I did a great job of not controlling when W and I had our R talk the other day and I didn't bring up the EA that I know she is having (it was running through my mind the whole time!). He thought that took a tremendous amount of courage and for someone who is controlling to not bring that up was HUGE!

I'll post more later, but that is what I've got for now.

[workinghardguy]

Hey 2TP... I'm glad your T said he thought it was premature... I hadn't had a chance to respond yet, but IMO I think he's right. I think the letter, despite what it physically says, will say to her (remember perception is really all that matters... and her perception, not yours) is "I'm trying to connect with you one last time, please, please, please engage with me on our R!"

Myself... and granted I say this without having to do it yet, I would walk out the door with my head held high and if possible a spring in my step. A victory lap might be a bit much though It will be a very sad and hard moment, but she needs to see that you're fine. Don't reach back, don't reach out... just walk out of her life. Leave her to her own devices, this is what she wants after all, right?

Love her the way she wants to be loved and unconditionally. So she is saying she wants to be loved by being left alone... so do that. The worst it does is nothing. The best it does is make her think, "WTH? Why didn't he seem to care? Why is he upbeat? Why is he ok?"

It's the step towards actually being ok without her. About showing her she's not all that and the bag of chips, and you'll make it on your own. You'd rather make it with her, but you'll make it either way. It also shows your sons a stronger man in control of himself.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Some things I learned today regarding controlling behavior:

- I need to continue to be self aware of my actions and behavior
- I need to focus more on my self and my own behaviors and not worry about controlling others behavior.
- I need to recognize that I can't compete with the OM or W's T because these are things I can't control.
- Instead focus on making myself the best person I can be.
- Put up mental roadblocks to help detour away from controlling behavior.

If I may add about point #2. Also don't worry about how they may react to your actions. How they respond is their own feelings. May not be the same as yours, but it's not wrong either.
If you doing what you believe in and have good boundaries, people will respect you.

My T thought that I did a great job of not controlling when W and I had our R talk the other day and I didn't bring up the EA that I know she is having (it was running through my mind the whole time!). He thought that took a tremendous amount of courage and for someone who is controlling to not bring that up was HUGE!

Did I read it correctly? You are the one moving out?

Is there a way to find out if she went underground with the EA?

[2thepoint]

Did I read it correctly? You are the one moving out?

Is there a way to find out if she went underground with the EA?

Yes, you read that correctly. I will be the one moving out. It is her request although she is the one who initiated the "I'm done" conversation". Right now she is the one who is working and paying the bills (i.e. with her income; I actually pay the bills). We have 2 kids involved and I don't want to antagonize her. She has volunteered to move but is concerned for the kids.

My DB coach thinks that since Selfishness are Control are primary issues in our R that by my heeding my W's wishes that it would be a clear sign of unselfishness for me to move and give her the space she needs. We have adequate savings to manage for awhile while I look for work.

Yes, I think the EA may have moved underground some. Either that or things have cooled some or the OM is away at the moment. It is a long distance thing anyway. So....

WHG - thanks for the perspective. I needed that!

[Rick1963]

2t my L told me not to move out and my W has not asked. If you guys are civil to one another I would stay and try not being home all of the time. Separating is not good for the kids either. I don't want to confuse you or go against the coaches advice. just my 2c

[gr8 day 2B alive]

I don't want to antagonize her. She has volunteered to move but is concerned for the kids.

2tp

I disagree with moving out. The "I don't want to antagonize her" statement is what I commented on my previous post. You should worry about her reaction. Think about it. You are the one who is working on the M. She is the one having an EA. She isn't happy with her current situation. If she wants out, let her leave.
I'm saying this b/c if you leave the chances of you ever getting back into the home if you do end up Ding is slim.

Is the house in both your names?

Aren't you concerned for the kids too?

I'm not going to tell you to go against your DB coach.

It is a long distance thing anyway. So....

Never under estimate the power of an EA regardless of it's distance, never.