Wife is angrier after my 180

[gunny]

hey2,
Thanks for the update. I think all you can do is let her know, that if she needs someone to bounce things off, you are around. I dont think this is pursuit, provided you have always had the type of r where she felt comfortable in confiding in you. Otoh, if you didnt have that type of r, this could be an oppurtunity for you to do a 180.

Keep me posted, have a good weekend.

[2thepoint]

Quick post: W still away on her 4 day spa weekend. I have had very limited contact with her during this time (few texts here and there). What bothers me though is the fact that W has not called to speak with the boys since she has been gone, (3 full days and no phone call). During one of our brief chats earlier this afternoon I texted her about whether or not she wanted to talk to the boys. She said she would try later but then never called. Seems a little irresponsible to me.

After two winning soccer matches between the 2 boys, we came home, cleaned up a bit then went to she the movie "Courageous". It is a movie about fathers and their responsibility to their children. And although the movie was quite preachy and a little overly dramatic, the movie had a good message, was quite funny in parts and most important, the boys loved it!

So, all and all a pretty good day. Wish I could have enjoyed it with my W though!

[2thepoint]

W is coming home from her 4 day spa weekend and I'm feeling a little anxious. I remain very concerned about the stress this has put her under. I hope she is taking care of herself.

Not once did she call to speak with the children which is very uncharacteristic of her. I suspect she spent her time away with the OM and that this may cause our R to deteriorate further. On the other hand, I hold onto a small glimmer of hope that she used her time away to reflect and consider what is becoming of her life and realizes what she is giving up, (safety, security, intact family, etc.) I suppose this is only a fantasy.

There is so much that we could do to improve our relationship and things could get considerably better if she would only take off her blinders. We have a good life with 2 wonderful children. Why must she spoil it?

I'm am close to accepting that full implementation of the LRT is going to be necessary and I am dreading the day I have to implement. But, at this point I don't see any other way to get through to her.

I think it is time for another session with my DB coach.

[sandi2]

I'm am close to accepting that full implementation of the LRT is going to be necessary and I am dreading the day I have to implement. But, at this point I don't see any other way to get through to her.

How do you interpret the LRT?

[2thepoint]

Well LRT consists of several steps or parts: Stop the chase, GAL/detach, Wait & Watch. For me, I have "stopping the chase" down. No letters, I love you's, gifts, R discussions, etc.

The GAL is something that I think would be easier if I moved out which is what my W would prefer that I do, (remove that which is causing her all the guilt she has been suffering with since she dropped the bomb). By moving out, it would be easier for me to detach some and put some distance between us. It is not what I want to do but the time is coming for me to make that move and it is probably for the best.

[2thepoint]

Quick update before I go to sleep...

Picked W up from the airport this evening. I was freshly groomed, wearing my best polo shirt and looking pretty spiffy if I do say so myself. It was a little awkward at first. She looked really good and rested from her 4 day spa weekend and I would have loved to hug her and kiss her upon seeing her bit that wasn't going to happen.

Anyway, on the way home we talked about my weekend with the boys, their soccer games, the movie we saw yesterday, the clothes shopping we did today, the sensitive sexual situation I had to deal with with my S13, etc.

In talking about these things W and I were actually laughing and smiling and getting a general kick out of the antics of our 2 boys. W actually complimented me on handling the "situation" with S13, saying that "you handled that really well". She also said that it sounded like we had a great weekend and that we did a lot of bonding. The 20 minute ride home flew by like it was 5 minutes. When we weren't talking, W was staring out the passenger window as if in a daze (wonder what she is thinking).

When we pulled up to the house, I surprised W with a garage that you can actually park a car in (cleaned it up this afternoon). She even thanked me for cleaning the garage!

So, W's return home went off better than I expected, though she seems a little distant and distracted. Hopefully she is feeling good about my time with the boys and I hope this translates into overall positive feelings. We shall see.

[2thepoint]

Today I'm struggling with the fact that W continues to be disengaged. What I mean by that is that while she is very pleasant, her attitude towards me is very uninterested, detached even. She continues to spend all her time in the guest bedroom and only comes out to eat, use the bathroom and interact with the kids. She does not seem at all interested in engaging in any conversation that doesn't involve the kids. She will respond to questions regarding houshold matters, (finances, home repairs, dr. appts, etc) but nothing else. She is so very hard to read. It is as if all she is doing is patiently waiting for me to move out so she can get on with her life.

My goal is to get us both into MC ASAP but she won't even broach the subject of our relationship. I'm not bringing it up either but someone has to break to stalemate eventually. Yes?

This is so very frustrating!!

[gunny]

2,
From what I have read on this forum, and in the DR book, pushing your s to do mc if your r is on rocky grounds is probably not a good idea. It gets confusing sometimes, because the book says to ask for what you want, but at the end of that chapter it says dont do this if your r is rocky.

I was dbing with my s, things were looking up, I got alittle ahead of myself and I sent her what i thought was a good letter in which i took responsibility for my shortcomings in the m, pledged to work on my issues, and asked her to start going to mc with me to renew our marriage. This letter pretty much pushed her out the door much faster. She moved up the date of her departure by 6 months, and told me later that the letter showed that i wasnt listening to her when she first dropped the bomb, and that I was still trying to control the sitch, which had alwlys been one of her complaints during our m.

Bottom line, if control issues have ever been an issue in your m, she might see your trying to get her to to go to mc as controlling, maybe?

Just my 2 cents

[2thepoint]

Thanks for the post Gunny. While my goal is to get us into MC ASAP, I am not pressing the issue. It has to come from her. What I am trying to do is "keep the road home paved and smooth" so that my W decides that she wants to save the marriage. So, yes I know that I can't control what she does, I hope to be able to subtly influence her to move in that direction with my 180's, etc.

It is all very frustrating though because W seems very distant and continues to carry on her long distance EA/A with the OM. She doesn't engage at all with me without my prompting and it is mostly superficial stuff regarding kids and logistics. We are not and have really never been antagonistic towards each other. She just seems to have shut the door which is very upsetting for me.

Immediate goals for me include getting a job (other than the little business I have which doesn't generate enough $$ to support me), continue 180's, try to GAL and hopefully get us to MC. If for no other reason, MC will at least give us an opportunity to discuss our differences (because that isn't happening now) and hopefully help us to better appreciate each others contributions to this M and what creates the tension and how to avoid that stuff.

I'm fearful this is all just a pipe dream and that W is really DONE. God I hope not!

[sandi2]

Today I'm struggling with the fact that W continues to be disengaged. What I mean by that is that while she is very pleasant, her attitude towards me is very uninterested, detached even.

You don't seem to understand how serious an EA for a woman truly is. It is major for a woman b/c it's all based on feelings, and that draws her in....and keeps attached to the one who is making her feel really good.

When the two of you first fell in love, you were very attractive to her. She was more interested in you than any other person in the world. She wouuld be pleasant with other people, but she really just wanted to spend time with you. She wanted to hear what you had to say, especially when anything about the two of you.....love......a possible future together.

This is what she's doing when she goes to the guest bedroom and shuts herself off from the world. I suspect she chose to use that room so that you would have no excuse to barge in on her privacy. That is what's important to her......privacy.

My goal is to get us both into MC ASAP but she won't even broach the subject of our relationship.

You need to "get this" through your head. A WAW who is in an A does not want to work on her M! She does not want to go to any MC, and futhermore, if you press her about it....she will go one time, but it will not get the results you hope. She will announce that she's getting a D. Then she can tell friends/relatives that she tried everything, even MC, and it didn't work.

MC does not work for a woman who is done with her M and her heart and mind is wrapped up with another man. You need to forget that option.

I'm not telling you there is no hope for saving the M, I'm just saying that going that route (MC)won't do it.