Wife is angrier after my 180

[gunny]

Helo 2thepoint
Just finished reading your sitch, sure is an emotional rollercoaster, aye?

I agree with the snooping advice given by the others here. I snooped once, about 1 month ago, read a little of her journal that she kept in plain view, and was upset by what she wrote, threw me for a loop for a couple of days. Resolved never to do it again, it just isnt worth it.

If there is om, there is nothing at this point that you can do about it, except continue to work on you and have faith that the person who was attracted to you initially will be even more attracted to the better version of you. My sitch is very similar in that s is going back home and has been seeing/dating an old high school flame. I dont know anything about him, and truthfully, dont want to know anything. My c and just about everyone on this board have commented that affairs/flings with om/ow commonly do not go well or last very long, after all, why is this person involved with someone who is married? What does that say about his character?

I know, and it has been reiterated again and again on this board, that the only people we should be expending energy on worrying about are ourselves, and if we have kids, them also. Everything else is wasted energy. In fact, you dont even know for sure he is seeing this guy this weekend, chances are better than even that she is, but you dont know for sure.

Try to take a deep breath and hang in there, I am literally in the same boat as you, except a little farther along on journey. Continue to lean forward!!

[2thepoint]

Thanks everyone for the comments and words of support and wisdom. I know I shouldn't have snooped. It is not something I would normally do. Then again, having my heart ripped out of my chest is not something that I am accustomed to either!

I appreciate the notion that the OM is usually a step down from the spouse. In this case I agree. I've met this person and W has told me about his "issues" in the past and he IS a step down. Sure he has the fancy degrees, but he also has trouble dealing with people in work settings, and his past life has been a complete disaster.

It astounds me that my W who is intelligent, kind and caring would subject her family to this kind of upheaval. What must be going through her head? Her parents and brother and sister would be absolutely SHOCKED and saddened to learn of this. It is so out of character for her.

The idea that she one day decided that "she was done" without ever suggesting or agreeing to participate in MC is interesting. Makes me wonder what she has been discussing with her C who supposedly helped her discover herself. Would W have shared that she is having an A with OM? I can't imagine her C would not advise that MC should be seriously considered before moving down the path W has currently chosen. What if C doesn't know of OM and if C learns of this if the advice provided would be different.

I know I shouldn't concern myself with "what if" scenarios but my mind is racing and I need to purge this cr@p out of my system in order to move forward.

[gunny]

2thepoint,
WOW, your sitch is so similar to mine in many respects. Don't know if you have spent any time reading on the MLC Forum, but I have read alot of the stuff, and it helps me understand a little better about what someone in MLC is going through, how their thinking is foggy, they are really suffering(in many ways as much, or more than LBS is(if that is possible!), how everything is right now 100% about them, how there can still be brief glimpses of compassion/reality exhibited by them. It does give me some solace.

Might also suggest that you join a local divorce/sep support group. I a a member of two and they have given me tremenous support and I have met aome great people who are going through the same crap as us. Do a google and look for "Divorece Care" they have chapters all over.

Good luck, have a good day, hang in there.

[2thepoint]

Thanks for the suggestion Gunny - I'll look into it.

Just got a text from W saying that she has arrived at her destination and that it is beautiful!

Glad to hear things are so rosy case things suk here! /sarc

[gunny]

good that she is still keeping in touch

[2thepoint]

Yes, but feels like salt added to the wound!

[2thepoint]

Had a good session with my C this morning. I confirmed his pro marriage focus and reminded him that I was focused on saving my marriage and that I am looking for solutions based actions that will move me in that direction with my immediate goal of getting W and I into MC.

I shared my concerns/revelations about OM and W's spa weekend. I provided him with an update on job search activities, living arrangements of which I am very concerned and my 180's & soul searching.

C reminded me that A's are much like an addiction and that people involved are looking for that next high and are not necessarily thinking rationally about all the things that would otherwise be important. He also reminded me to take care of myself (GAL in other words) and avoid shouldering all the blame for the problems in our R. C also said that the 180's are good but must be real and consistent. Gee, where have I heard that before?

We talked about keeping the road home paved and smooth (thanks 25!) which he likened to "keeping the plane waxed and the runway lights on!"

Anyway, feeling a little better today than yesterday.

[gunny]

Point,
Glad your session with the c went well, I think it is very important to have a c who has a pro marriage viewpoint. I was surprised, and heartened to find out a few weeks back that my c who has been married 31 years actually filed for d in the 8th year of her m, was sep for 1 year, and is now happily married.Boy, did that ever make me feel better!! She believes that recon can take place, but the key is we must give them space and let them work on their issues. Keep feeling good!!

[gunny]

should have specified, she is married to the same guy, never divorced!!

[2thepoint]

Thanks for the post Gunny! Quick update. Got a text from W today after I relayed to her a message received about a Dr. Appointment next Monday. W informed me that she was not going to stay over a few extra days to be with our mutual friends, after all. She said "just too much going on that is stressing me out". I asked her via text what was stressing her out and she replied "work, pretty much anything and everything. Feel very guilty about spending $ on this trip". I told her to try not to think about it, enjoy your time and we'll manage the $$ situation. Then I asked about the weather, (how's that for a quick getaway?). She replied "Gorgeous!". I said "then it was worth it!" Then some other small talk/text and that was it.

So, I'm concerned abut her stress. I know it is self induced since she pretty much brought it on herself, but I worry nonetheless. I want to comfort her but know that that would be interpreted as pursuit and the last thing I want is to drive her any further away. I hope my words via text didn't cross that line. And I hope that W is using this time away to reflect and possibly reconsider.

Anyone have thoughts on the subject?