Wife is angrier after my 180

[2thepoint]

I'm feeling anxious today. W continues to make her plans for her spa weekend and is clearly detached from our situation (at least outwardly so), while I am doing my best to keep myself busy and upbeat. I wish I was going with her. Lord knows we could have used the time alone, especially before she dropped the bomb.

I am starting to come to grips with the fact that although I dread the thought of moving out (her request) it is probably the best for both of us - time and distance. I will continue to work on the 180's and hope that I can maximize the effectiveness of detaching myself and GAL and maybe eventually find a solution that brings us back together.

Here's a synopsis of a 180 from yesterday that I hope W noticed and appreciated:

S9 came home from school and I could tell by his behavior that he was tired. My other S13 had a school event last night so I offered to take him (that is a 180 in and of itself but not the one I want to focus on here). Anyway, when we got home S9 was still acting up and beng an all around pain in the neck. I could see my W was getting agitated, (yelling, etc.) so I went over to my S9 and very calmly and almost in a whisper asked him to settle down and that if he didn't he'd have to go to bed early. He started getting sassy and I repeated what I had just said. He eventually calmed down and soon was off to bed without complaint.

In another time I would have likely joined in my W's agitation and shouted at the boy to calm down and forced him to bed which would has escalated the problem. I think how I handled it was best for all of us.

Thoughts anyone?

[workinghardguy]

Hey 2... it sounds like a great 180... both for you and for your S. Did she notice? hard to say. I know I went for about a month with hardcore 180s regarding how I interacted with our kids and never thought anyone noticed. Then the other night during an R talk my W mentioned that she has noticed and appreciates it (though it's not enough to save anything and I'm only doing it to save our M... I don't really mean it... baby steps, baby steps ). She also revealed that our SS told her he really likes how nice and positive I've been lately. So there's hope, but even if she didn't notice this time maybe the next or the next. The key is consistency.

I know that before the bomb I was already sensing a threat to our M and felt overwhelming inadequacy. This made me even angrier and more agitated. But instead of directing that at my W, I directed it at our kids. I can still remember a day this summer where my S5 was just being ungodly difficult and me pulling him out the car and yelling at him. I still feel so horrible about that. It was about there that I hit rock bottom.

The funny thing is, if you can keep this 180 consistent, the kids will notice first. And it will create a huge differentiation between you and your W in their eyes. This morning our S was not listening to my W. This is because she hasn't invested much time in him over the past three years or so. In the past I would've jumped in and saved my W, but I just let her deal. I heard her get angrier and angrier. She threatened, scolded, and threatened to paddle his butt. Finally he complied but then said to her, "Mommy, don't use your yelling voice it hurts my ears. Daddy doesn't use it anymore and I like that."

I made myself quite scarce right after that because I knew it would have my W fuming to be compared like that... but, "from the mouth of babes..." as it were

[2thepoint]

"Mommy, don't use your yelling voice it hurts my ears. Daddy doesn't use it anymore and I like that."

I made myself quite scarce right after that because I knew it would have my W fuming to be compared like that... but, "from the mouth of babes..." as it were

That is awesome! Baby steps indeed!

[2thepoint]

Quick post...

Still feeling quite anxious about my W's 4 day spa weekend out of state. The last time she went away was just before the bomb. Now that the bomb has been dropped and I suspect an EA or worse, I can't help thinking about W spending time with someone else. I so want to ask her if she will be meeting someone during her spa trip.

I know, I know, don't do it!!

Meanwhile, yesterday she was out most of the day and felt the need to text me before she left that she would be out most of the day. Hmmmm why was that necessary?

Then this afternoon, she tells me that she has to go out for a little bit and would pick S13 up from school on her way back. Hmmmm, why was that necessary?

I've not been telling her when I leave or where I'm going...and she hasn't asked either.

I'm confused and anxious!

[Djones]

Just wanted you to know I am praying for a favorable outcome for you and your family. Be anxious in nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your request be made known to God. He will never put more on you than you can bear.

[2thepoint]

Last post tonight...

W seems a little frazzled tonight. As is her habit, she always waits till the last minute to pack and otherwise prepare for her trip.

I'm giving W a ride to the airport early tomorrow morning so we don't have to pay for 4 days of parking. I learn that W is having the hotel/spa shuttle pick her up from the airport since she won't be renting a car and that her plan is to sleep in, relax by the pool, get as massage, manicure, pedicure and do a little shopping. Sounds like a perfect weekend for a woman!

Assuming she has no other plans, I am somewhat comforted by the thought that she will be stationary at/near the hotel and will only be relaxing. She needs this time. Hopefully she will also be reflecting on our R and reconsider her decision. God I hope so!

W mentioned that she may extend her trip a day or two since mutual friends of ours have invited her to stay with them. They know nothing of our R issues and I hope it stays that way since one of the friends happens to be my business partner.

I'm not as anxious as I was earlier in the day. Maybe I'm tired.

Night all!

[2thepoint]

Very sad day for me. Took my W to the airport so she could go on her spa weekend. Couldn't help myself and did a little snooping and discovered some cards with sentiments such as.... "you deserve all the best that life has to offer....and I hope to be the one to give it to you!! I love you!!" and this... "something sweet for someone sweet! Enjoy!". That surely came with the box of chocolates that was delivered the other day.

As I stated in a prior post, the location of her spa weekend is 2 hours from where her "friend" that I suspected she was having an EA with lives. Now I know whats up this weekend!

I am so upset I am shaking! How do I compete with this? This OM is a complete wreck from what W has told me. Now she wants to be with him?!?!?

God please give me strength!

[2thepoint]

W is the one having the affair and she wants me to move out?!?!?!

[In_Shock]

Don't snoop any more at al1! Confirmation. is. enough. I know that when I found out W was beginning PA, I simply knew that the more specifics I learned, the harder it would be to DB.

Detach. Keep doing your work on YOU. OMG it is the hardest thing I've EVER done in my life, but it is the best alternative we have.

I'm so sorry you are in this situation. I am sending you good energies....but also remember ----- and I know how it feels inside ----- the OM is NOT about you, your lack of anything, your actions, inactions, etc.... It is about your W --- and many many times, OM/OW is a step down from the spouse.

Jb caled my attention to the fact that it may have something to do with the WAS self esteem issues. I have found that to make a lot of sense. Hang in there. Keep posting as much as you need to.

[workinghardguy]

There is no requirement to move out at least not until something legal happens...

Now... I'm am certainly not the one to hand out 2x4s for snooping, Lord knows. But, it's an example of why it's not worth it. She was going to do what she was going to do either way, right? So now the only difference is you have a suspicion. And not even one you can confirm.

I snooped, against my better angels, just last weekend. Found a text message that is suspect. Not highly suspect but enough to make me nervous. Now I sit and have to deal with that message, albeit the message was 3 weeks old, versus the other evidence that point to it being nothing. It just creates a rabbit maze in your brain. I've finally had to come to the point of... whatever. I can't do anything directly about it. In my case the OM, if he is that, is also a wreck. My W was telling me about him a few weeks ago how he's drunk most days by 5pm, an artist and musician, but has a dead-end call center job to pay the bills.

The other piece is that she doesn't necessarily want to be with him... she just doesn't want to be with you as it is currently constructed. That's what I keep reminding myself. It's not that she's necessarily looking for a guy who's this mainly, sports playing artist guy. It's that she wants a man in her life who is manly and creative. I know I was that guy once and working to be that guy, but a better version, again.