Me 40 H 45 D 3 M 4/ T 5 Separated 6/2011 Told me his main concern was losing part of his income if we divorced 7/2011
Started DBing a couple of weeks ago. He seemed to notice right off- about 5 days into it I saw him at D's class and he asked if I hated him. He's also been much nicer, apologizing right away after he snapped at me via text. I did make a mistake I suppose (starting DBing before I got the book, my bad) in asking him if he wanted to join D and I on a outing last weekend, although he agreed and we ended up having a nice day. I've kept the contact to a minimum, but it is killing me, argh!! Today he showed up at D's class again and it was a surprise- I haven't been in touch with him at all prior to it. I have been keeping my distance physically, although I did hug him good bye this past weekend, and today I kissed him on the cheek and told him thanks for coming. Is that a mistake? Someone please give me some strength!!!!
He said marriage just wasn't what he thought it would be, I wasn't who he thought I was, and we fought quite a bit about all the usual suspects....money, child-rearing, in-laws. He was a bachelor until 40, too, and I think there are some midlife crisis issues.
Another update...had to text him regarding a payment I made for D, and he texted me back with a joke. I tried to keep the reply short but friendly. He texted me a bit later and asked about D, and I again kept it short but pleasant.
He called about an hour later asking to speak to D to 'cheer him up'. I wasn't near my phone so I didn't catch it right away, but called him back and tried to get D on the phone (didn't work). H asked if I could bring D to see a relative that just arrived(I was also invited) and he would let me know when since he wasn't sure of their schedule. Told him I'm sure we could work something out, but that I did have plans to work around (not exactly true, but I didn't want to seem too available- I am trying to make some though!). Kept the convo short, pleasant, and I ended it.
He called back to tell me their schedule, told him I would call him back as soon as I knew my plans. He has been pleasant, and was being considerate of any plans I had made, so I guess we can call this progress?
ROMB, Welcome. Sorry you're here, but glad you found us.
Keep taking the baby steps. Look for the small positives In many cases, this takes a long time. That's why you've probably seen the "It's a marathon, not a sprint" saying around here.
Thanks, JB, I have already learned a lot from all of you here.
So far, the GALing is what I really need to work on. I have my D most of the time, so we have been trying to go do things on a regular basis. I'm also working on starting a business and looking for various ways to make money (currently a SAHM).
Thanks so much for the support, it is so nice to finally talk to others in similar situations....
I think I've told some other folks here this - the hardest thing with GAL'ing is getting started. Once you get the brainstorming going, the ideas start coming and you gather momentum. There are certainly lots of things you can with your D to GAL, too. If nothing else, you will be building good memories for her.
H called about the family visit, saying he needed to nail down a time (I had told him I would call him). He was obviously bummed about 'something' and I asked him if he was ok. He said no, not really but wouldn't elaborate. Told him I was sorry to hear that. I really wasn't sure what to do, he was obviously wanting me to pursue it but I didn't think I should. I did ask him if there was anything he wanted to talk about. He said no but it was a weird conversation. He asked me to take pictures when I go off with D tomorrow, saying he wanted to have lots of pictures?? Don't know what to make with this...help!!!
I think one thing you will hear a lot in DB'ing is avoiding the "mind-reading". It will drive you crazy. I think you handled it well. You listened to what he was willing to tell you, but you didn't pressure him.
