Everwhere is walking distance if you have the time

[mishka422]

Oh man....so sorry. That sounds horrific.

I hate to even say it, but have you considered a more indepth, inpatient psych eval? I know you said she only acts out when she isn't getting what she wants, but being in a psychiatric setting for a few days for deep evaluation wouldn't be what she wants so she may act out enough for them to figure out ways to help.

Remind me, what medication is she on?

[SunFunOne]

I'm so sorry for all you are going through. But be the parent to your daughter (not that you aren't) and be the bigger person with your ex. Someone has to be the hero here.

Hate is like poison that you drink yourself but expect the other person to die.

Anger, hate, unresolved issues - they're killing you. You need to get a grip and not let them finish you. You are still raising children. You need to focus on them. THe divorce and how the 2 most important people in their lives is having a huge toll on your daughter. Both you and she need much more counselling to get through this phase (and it is a phase) and move to the next level. If you can't get control of her at age 9 - let me tell you - the teens will be murder.

I had a happy, loving, well adjusted daughter. Her dad left the week she turned 13. I was left to deal with her outbursts, bad behaviour etc that appeared out of nowhere. He went AWOL. Left it all to me. I spoke to her the other night (10 years later). She was talking about how devestating the divorce was to her. Try to think about your daughter's hurt rather than your own.

And you mention XW's rules about taking away the electronics. First of all - she is spot on in doing this. It is saying "I won't tolerate this bad behaviour". But where are you in this. It should be WE!!!! You and XW - despite your differences - need to co-parent in harmony. YOU need to agree and assist in discipline. (not that you aren't but that statement was telling).

I'm not trying to bash you but your anger here is very evident and there is no room for it right now when your daughter's emotional and physical health are extremely at risk. The parents have to step in and be firm and get this under control right now. Everything else can wait. Because if you don't fix this - nothing else is going to matter.

And how does D12 fit in here. Seems the sun shines on her but maybe that is part of the problem? She is just as affected by it all as D9.

I hope this w/e is better for you. Why not take the girls out and have some fun. And not talk about any of the crap for a while.

Barb

[awest1217]

I am so sorry! Remember asking for help is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength.

Somehow you and XW are going to have to work together. It is going to be hard, but the threats D9 is making whether they are real or to manipulate you are so scary, and I can tell it scares you. Be strong and I know you will do whatever needs to be done.

You are a great dad!

[ClingingToHope]

The time without electronics was OUR decision, not XW's. SFO misread that. I actually limit their time in front of the TV more than XW. She's addicted to several shows and the girls get lots of time of vegging. I always take them somewhere on the weekends I have them.

The night went pretty well. D9 read books, we played games. She got through the night.

In the morning, she was upset when I said her 24 hours were up and the disrespect started again. I told her that if she raised her voice or showed more disrespect, I would start adding hours. She took her phone into my room and called her mom. About 15 minutes later she came out OK.

The rest of the morning and early afternoon went well. We played more games. Went to the library. She went with me to work so I could catch up on a couple small things I couldn't do yesterday.

Before you know it, her 24 hours were up. Now she's watching Olivia and setting up the game of life. It was so nice having no TV on that at the library we talked about a 5 hour window every Saturday with no electronics. We either have to go to the health club or library or somewhere.

When D12 gets back we'll talk to her as well.

D9 has another counseling appointment Tuesday night. I am going to focus on the disrespect. That just can't be tolerated anymore. It may mean having to let D12 go to her mom's more often. I don't care. The disrespect has to stop.

XW responded to my email and laid out her financial troubles. This is going to sound shallow. They don't surprise me, but it comforted me. And I feel bad about that.

She is facing bankruptcy and close to being foreclosed on. Back in 2009, I warned her that we didn't make enough between us to maintain our lifestyles without serious, serious cutbacks.

She didn't believe me.

She ran up $9,000 in debt just between May 2009 and February 2010. She shops when she gets depressed and she never saves for the future. It comes from watching her parents. They inherited $100,000 when XW was a little kid and just blew it. There was no money for XW or her sisters to go to college.

She also said in her email that she doesn't ask me to chip in on theater, dance and medical bills because she knows I don't have the money.

I responded that she should ask me to help pay those, the medical bills and after-school care is in the divorce agreement. I will help where/when I can (although now I'm in between second jobs and it's really tight).

I guess it's the "Grass isn't Greener" thing. As the LBS, every once in a while -- especially when finances are tight -- I think she's having this great life and the Grass is Greener. I guess it was comforting to know that isn't the case.

Some day, I hope to be at a point in my life where those feelings disappear. Save the 2x4s saying "you can make it happen." We all know it takes time and I need more of it.

[ClingingToHope]

Oops, meant "her 24 hours were NOT up."

[SunFunOne]

CTH: No - I did not read it wrong. Read your post about XW and the control of the electronics. Might have been a typo or a Freudian slip but I still believe you let XW control more of the decisions on behaviour, consequence and discipline when you need a united front. It ties in with the "blaming" of her for what is happening.

I get that. I used to blame x all the time. But the truth is - it did not help things.

I have "been there, done that" and made as many mistakes as anyone else here. Just trying to share some insight from my scars.

Praying things improve for your daughter.

Barb

[ClingingToHope]

How to be clear about this.

When we were together we did not put up a united front. I was always very involved and I think that hurt. I think she really wanted to be in total control. That's the way it was with her mom. Her dad was never involved. He was either working or drinking.

So apart, I don't question the decisions made at her house. I wonder, but I don't question because I know she really wants to be in control. It's a major part of her self image, and I always chipped away at it by questioning or challenging.

She continues to question the decisions made at mine, though, but I deal with the girls the way I see best. The positive about being apart is I can deal with them the way I want to. Last week, mostly I just filled her in because I didn't want her accusing me of keeping her out of the loop. But the decisions made were mine.

Really, the electronics decision was my decision. And it worked well. And that's the punishment that'll continue going forward.

I can't compare how I am with D9 anymore to how XW is with her because I don't see it and I don't ask. It doesn't help me.

Funny, last week I had a bad breakout of acne. I wondered what happened. D9 has been into eating fried chicken and I had some with her, and I know that's not good for acne.

But really it's stress and I figured a bunch of stresses came together last week.

Relationship stress. OKC and I were supposed to have lunch. She pushed it back for work reasons and has been texting/communicating a lot less. Deep down I think this R -- if you can call it that -- is going to come to an end before it really got started.

D9 had an awful week, so there was daily stress there. Plus, D12 had her theater stuff so there was daily contact with XW. I felt anxious every day. And I REALLY WANTED to talk to someone about it. I talked with a few friends and my sister. That helped. But I REALLY WANTED to talk with that someone special and I don't have that right now.

Finances. The car insurance was due. I ended up making less than usual at my running races so I find myself a few hundred in the hole. That means really scaling back in October and November and religiously making it to plasma donation.

So all of that hit at once. On Friday, while donating plasma I didn't even try to boost my heart rate. I usually have problems because my heart rate usually is in the 40s. The plasma place requires it be in the 50s. On Friday, while relaxed it was 63. That's how much stress I've been feeling.

The hospital thing. I was just frustrated and angry and the date/finances just added to it. D9 just seems to be spiraling. For the most part, we had a good summer. I did not expect this.

I don't blame XW for D9's condition. I don't blame XW for D9 spiraling. She's trying and I'm trying. I do blame her for the D. That's her decision. At some point, it'll just be a small memory and a small pain, but when things get bad it bubbles back up.

I know long-term that I'll be OK financially. There is light at the end of the tunnel in February and March. I just have to keep my focus and not worry so much about right now. Someone great will walk in to my life.

Another weird thought I was trying to swat away this weekend was the "eventually she'll see the light." Finding out XW is broke and stressed got me drifting in to the thoughts of she'll eventually figure out the Grass Isn't Greener and come back. The "I Do Again" book is hard to get out of my mind.

It was just a really, really bad week. Of course, today I just spent 90 minutes with XW at a meeting with the school about D9. I really look forward to the day when the only time I have to see her is really special occasions like a birthday. It's 10 years or so away, but I can dream.

I raided my change jar and put a bunch of money back in bank. I should get paid by my siser and the running race company this week. So I'll be back to having some reserves. I have money set aside for Christmas. Life marches on.

[ClingingToHope]

Sure, it's all part of the brain swirl.

I start to think she'll realize it was better to handle finances and the kids together than it is apart. But then I think how would I really know if she wanted to come back because she missed me or it was too hard being on her own? Would this all just happen again in 10 years when they left for college?

I definitely wouldn't want to go through this again in 10 years. I'm still relatively young right now. But I also can't close the door in my mind either. I've read or heard about relationships that did work out once you cleared away the clutter and hurt of decisions made when you were young and dumb.

The brain is a difficult thing to switch off, especially when lots of things are hitting at once.

The only thing I know for sure is that the sun will come up tomorrow and I'll have to get through it some way or another.

Right now ... I'm just hungry. I forgot to bring lunch to work.

[ClingingToHope]

Bonus ... I got my pay from the Chicago Marathon. I figured it would be $200 or $250 since we didn't get asked to work Saturday other than a one-hour meeting to go over logistics.

The check was for $350. We did work 16 hours Sunday. That extra $150 totally brought my stress level down a notch.

I sent the company a thank you. I am really, really hoping to get one more race this year.

I created a chart showing my income vs. expenses for my refrigerator. I definitely need to refocus on my expenses. It seems like I get out of whack every summer and it takes a while to get back into super saving mode.

Weekend is shaping up well. There's a party to go to Saturday. Friends to go out with Friday. Lots of time Saturday and Sunday to catch up on book projects. I may even come in to work to do it. Computers are better. TV is less of a distraction and I can run the stairs several times (7 stories) to stay in shape.

No word on lunch Thursday with OKC. D12 has her school play Thursday and Friday. No calls from the school on D9. XW doesn't like my alternative after school arrangement idea where D12 watches D9 for an hour on days she doesn't have after school activities.

I am going to split cost on daycare BUT I am going to do everything in my power to lessen the days she's in daycare on my weeks. I'll figure something out.

[ClingingToHope]

XW just called. She met with a new therapist for D9 and wants to try him. He's cheaper. He uses clay therapy. He has some different ideas. He wants to test D9 for Asbergers. He agrees with me that we should look at holding her back because of her social issues.

So XW is excited. She wants us to meet with him together. I know this is all good. D9 needs a new approach.

And now I'm all conflicted.

If D9 gets better that's good for everyone involved. Honestly, the difficulties over D9 was a MAJOR part of the breakdown of the marriage.

We talked about bills briefly and she said "we're both in a world of hurt right now." She also mentioned someone came and looked at the house, but she doesn't know if they are interested.

And my brain just went flying in all kinds of directions.

* The 1 percent that just won't let go thought if we just work together and get D9 turned around then maybe .... I still haven't let that go. I think until someone else is in my life that'll be there.

* The "we're both in a world of hurt" statement just made me angry. We're in a world of hurt because she chose divorce over working hard to fix the marriage.

* Someone came to look at the house. I think she got the feeling that I'm getting over this by talking about bills and ventured into the house talk. That's a really hard subject to talk about.

I hate these phone calls. They just knock me for a loop. We have interactions like this and ... I don't see why we can't work it out.

I keep going back and forth.

This morning I was walking to the courthouse to get some stuff for my job. I have to go by the place of work for XW's best friend. And I thought, I shouldn't really care what XW or XW's friends think of me. Everyone in the world isn't going to like me.

But then another soundtrack in my head keeps playing, "keep doing what you are doing. Keep trying to improve. Keep learning how to communicate better. Keep trying to fix your finances. The rest of your life is a long time. Relationships have been reborn in others. Why not here?"

All this from one phone call.