Wife of 6-Years is Divorcing Me pt.V

[alamo76]

jon, which porn addiction forum did you find me at? BG or TTF?

Karma and everybody else, I'm sure now that I won't be inviting her to the pumpkin patch due to the following revelation/update:

10/5 My lawyer left a message asking me to call her as there were some matters to discuss. I return her call and she tells me after her meeting with my wife's lawyer about two weeks ago, she was told that my wife is making allegations that I am addicted to child pornography. Truly, my past is coming back to nip me in the behind. I've never been addicted to child porn, but one of the first times my wife suspected of my porn (about 4.5-5 years ago) and searched through the computer folders, she found pictures of all kinds, and some of them were of children. They were part of a (or many) bulk zip files (the ones with hundreds or thousands of files each) I had downloaded and archived to our PC. Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on your POV) I had never seen those (and many other) pictures until that day. However, that has stuck in my wife's mind ever since then.

Fast forward to today, my lawyer asked me if I am addicted to child porn. I said no, but I am still addicted to porn. I don't look at it, but I still experience internal struggles; that is, after all, the nature of any psycho-somatic addiction. I told her everything from my earlier posts here - about how I sought help from my minister (a family-marriage counselor), elders, close friends, became active and accountable to porn-recovery forums, and even here. I also told her that even though my wife is gone, I set up an internet filter on my PC and have the monthly usage reports sent to my sister. My lawyer said that's good to hear that I'm a realistic addict and true to myself, that the struggle is a constant one, unlike others who say they're done, period. Well, that was me two years ago. What a difference that time and a separation/divorce makes.

So now I'm in two quandaries:
1. My wife knows that the only way that she can leave the state with our son is by throwing down the gauntlet (I'm surprised she didn't make physical or emotional abuse allegations while she was at it). My lawyer suggested that I pursue the next step in finalizing the divorce to protect myself and place the precedence of our son's custody terms.
2. If I do, it will (a) take our son away from his mom (who wants to move to the east coast for her medical residency, which is highly likely). He's used to 50:50 (well, more like 70:30, no thanks to mom) right now and to take that away from him would be devastating. I won't settle for less, because he has stability with me - his daycare, his friends, I have normal work hours (mom doesn't), (b) possibly kill the chance of reconciliation, and (c) until he is old enough to comprehend it, our son will have to suffer through a major adjustment phase. Needless to say, I've been pushed into a tight corner here.

Any advice is appreciate here.

[alamo76]

Adding on to my previous post:
1. Referring to my first post here here, I found out when I retained my lawyer that my wife was NOT represented anymore by her former lawyer. I think what I did to enforce our son's rights pushed her into a corner, because not so coincidentally, she obtained a new lawyer a few days after the events of 8/19.
2. Which would also explain the extra distancing she demonstrated regarding my trying to talk to our son on the phone that I journaled on 9/24/11 and 9/27/11, and
3. Which would also explain why on the very first day she came back from SC/TN, she began signing our son into daycare using her maiden name in the signature column. Prior to her leaving, she was still signing using her married name.

[25yearsmlc]

you don't have much choice since she tossed the unpinned grenade in your lap

she's going for broke Alamo, so that you'll feel lucky to be able to chase her around and see your son wherever she may go.

Sorry...what does your L say?

As far as recon is concerned, put custody of your son first...

besides, if there really is a chance for a recon down the road

it'll come more from her seeing you as a strong man who brings something to the table other than nanny care for son.

My guess is she hired a new "different" kind of L or one to whom she has given a different version of you...

So sorry

[alamo76]

Sorry...what does your L say?

She advised that I should push for the divorce before my wife does, in order to protect myself and put precedence on setting custody demands, etc. In the short term (before my wife potentially moves) we should be able to set up a 50:50 schedule, but afterwards, not so much. I will try to keep our son with me 100% based on the fact that my wife's life/hours as a resident doctor will be imbalanced for a growing child (no matter how much help she can get from her family and in-hospital daycare). Once that improves, I will consider working something out with her. The 100% part is something I REALLY not in favor of, because I know a child needs both his mom AND dad. However, in this context, I'm choosing the lesser of two evils, if you may.

Now, the only thing left to do is decide when to actually bite the bullet. I'm saddened by having to do this.

As far as recon is concerned, put custody of your son first...

Lord willing it will go relatively smoothly, considering the circumstances. I still don't know how she's going to provide evidence related to child porn, though.

[jon2911]

She can't provide evidence alamo. That's ridiculous. That was just to scare you. I'm also scared my wife will bring up crap like this in the D, but I know she has no evidence. Don't let it affect you.

I love how you shared your story with your L. That's exactly how you need to tell it. I have a friend who lost custody of his kids because alcoholism, but came to recovery where I met him. He really impressed the judge with his vigilance. Exactly what you're doing.

Definitely wasn't TTL, must have been BG. What does that stand for?

[alamo76]

She can't provide evidence alamo. That's ridiculous. That was just to scare you. I'm also scared my wife will bring up crap like this in the D, but I know she has no evidence. Don't let it affect you.

I would like to think that, but part of me know is on high alert. Are you suggesting I go with the flow and see what she does next?

Definitely wasn't TTL, must have been BG. What does that stand for?

Sorry, I meant TTF - Through the Flame. Very active and way more participation than BG; it's kinda like this forum. Thanks for dropping in, Jon.

[jon2911]

Alamo,
I think your L's advice is good. Your W seems to think she can just move S to another state and move on with her life. She's in for a rude awakening, which I think will be a good thing.

What I meant is don't let the fear affect you. This is definitely a "take the gloves off" move by your wife, you're handling it well. Hope your weekend is going well.

[alamo76]

UPDATE
Practically everyone I've talked to this past week have said that I should really protect myself and think strongly about pursuing the divorce first.

Doing so will really hurt our son (I still refuse to use the term 'my son', because he is ours. I'm quite sure my wife solely uses the latter to claim ownership, which is just paltry). Providing the best for our son doesn't mean break him up from either of his parents, does it? Because of our darned legal system, I feel like I'm being forced into choosing the lesser of two evils, i.e. protect myself and our son. The way to justify it is my wife walked away from this, and thus shouldn't be allowed to take anything that belongs in this marriage with her.

Also, I'm very disheartened by so many stories/experiences from my friends indicating how biased California courts are to mothers, no matter how screwed up or (as some were called) 'evil' they are. So I feel like my chances of custody success is a joke and really depends on what kind of judge we get.

Sorry, I'm feeling really down today.

[jon2911]

Alamo,
Hang in there man. I guess I don't understand what you mean. At least here in Texas, your W would be forced to stay in the same city as you, even if she has custody. And that's a good thing for your S and all the way around. Why do you think it would hurt him?

Also, I don't really see it as you pursuing the D at this point. She's the one who served you and got it rolling.

[alamo76]

Jon, it would be great if California had similar practices about requiring both parents to remain the same city/state.

Yes, it's true my wife started the divorce process, but I will be the one that ended it definitively, which principally and religiously I don't even believe in doing. Until our son is old enough to figure it out for himself, it is possible that he will see daddy as the person who gave in or gave up, or whatever positive spin anyone wants to put on a negative situation like this.

There is the frequent mention of "dropping the rope" in this forum. Well, because of the circumstances described above, I'm having to drop the rope, but not on my own terms; I'm not emotionally there yet, because the truth is, I'm not done.

Just hope I'm able to reach my (busy, busy) lawyer today or early this week. I reached out to her last week, but still no reply. I feel like I racing to beat my wife to the punch, but yet at the same time, I'm really not (emotionally) committed to move on with this whole shabang.

Please keep praying for me.