PLEASE!!! Need help quick! Calling all vets!

[dl443322]

Good for you, Tad. I know how very hard that was for you.

I know if feels wrong to you, but, she has decided that, right now, she does not feel the same about you. Now, if you were to call her, what would you be saying to her?

If you said, W, you are wrong, we can work it out, you can feel the same way, I promise. How do you think that would make her feel?

I think she would feel that you are not hearing her. That how she feels doesnt matter. That the only important thing is how you feel, ya know?

If you are to love her unconditionally, then, you need to validate her feelings and honor them.

It doesnt mean they cant change in the future. But for right now, you need to respect how she feels.

She has given you some very valuable information. Time to look inward and bit and see what part of what she said is valid. Why would she feel that you wouldnt care? Is there any reason that you need to look into?

Tad,she may be a bit angry that you didnt respond. That's ok. You are doing something different. Keep doing that and she will see the changes are real. More importantly, you will feel that they are.

You can do this, sweetie.

[tadpole1025]

Thank you very much everyone.

I would NOT consider myself strong though. I'm just trying to do everything right. I'm sure the "old" me would have responded. Brooklyn, you are right, it is something different. It just feels so damn wrong. To be honest, after hearing Jack and Eric say that they might have caved, I've had second thoughts. I just hope I did the right thing by not responding.

25, that response is awesome. There is no way I'm sending it though!

Now, if you were to call her, what would you be saying to her?

I'd probably be trying to convince her which is something that she does not want to hear.

Why would she feel that you wouldnt care? Is there any reason that you need to look into?

Yes, this is valid. She has mentioned a few times that she thought I wouldn't even care if she left. This is partly both of our faults I think. Hers because she never felt good enough for anything or anybody. Mine because I obviously didn't do a good job of showing her what she means to me.

That is it for now. She will be here Friday to pick up S16. I hope to still be at work.

Still fighting the urge to call her......

Tad

[AJM]

Mine because I obviously didn't do a good job of showing her what she means to me.

To a healthy person you may have. To one with low self-esteem issues, is it possible to?

Think for a minute Tad. You are trying to fix, aren't you? Rehashing the "old" marriage looking for what your part was?

I suspect the thinking is something like, "well, it's broken, so I must have had something to do with it." and you are looking for that right?

What if you didn't do much to contribute to the demise? I ask because weren't you about to renew your vows? Didn't this same person profess her undying love for you just prior to walking away?

What I'm getting at is that you are, and likely will for a while, going through a post-mortem. My suggestion if this is the case, is to look honestly and objectively as much as you can. To realize that your changes must be for you and not for the marriage or her.

Own up to your faults as YOU see them. Not as she sees them. Be careful not to own things that are not yours. That would be bad for you both IMHO.

AJ

[TRUSTING]

I would do nothing. It really does not deserve a response. It is a typical MLC text to relieve some of HER guilt.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks everyone. AJ, you said:

What if you didn't do much to contribute to the demise? I ask because weren't you about to renew your vows? Didn't this same person profess her undying love for you just prior to walking away?

Well, I know I played my part, but I am certainly not ALL to blame. As for our wedding vows, yeah she had already purchased the dress. We were two months away from renewing them when she told me that she didn't want to. Of course, she blames me for not wanting to.

I've done a lot of thinking recently and I'm starting to realize just how selfish, angry and bitter W really is. She is a very bitter person, but I can't, for the life of me, figure out why.

Trusting, I'm glad you said this about her text message:

It really does not deserve a response. It is a typical MLC text to relieve some of HER guilt.

I've thought about this too and the more I do, I realize that it was basically HER justifying HER actions and trying to make herself feel better. It's like she is almost defending herself.

No other updates.....

Tad

[tadpole1025]

Hi everyone.

I spent most of the weekend with a friend....trying to GAL.

Quick update:

I picked up S16 from W's place today. I did not get out of the car, but she came to the car and we talked:

W: Hi!

M: Hey.

W: How are you?

M: I'm good.

We had small talk about S16 for a few minutes and then:

W: Did you have a good weekend?

M: Yeah. I'm just a little tired.

W: Where did you go?

M: I went up to Payson with a friend.

W: Did it rain while you were there?

M: No. It was actually hot up there.

W: Did you get my text earlier in the week? (See 1st post in this thread)

M: Yeah.

W: You didn't respond?

M: No.

W: How come?

M: Honestly, there is a lot I wanted to say, but I didn't want to say the wrong thing, so I figured it was best to not say anything right now.

W: I see.

M: Playing it safe I guess.

W: I see.

M: You know, in that text, you said you miss what we had 15 years ago. I miss it too. I also miss what we had 26 years ago. I even miss what we had just 1 year ago.

W: Well this is a conversation for us to have with no kids around.

M: I know. We will.

W: I'll see you later.

She turned around and went into the house. She looks very unhappy to me too. I almost get the feeling that she feels me pulling back. Not sure if that is good or not......

She continues to spend money like crazy.

Has anyone here ever felt like maybe their situation has reversed in terms of the way the MLCer and LBS feel? I still want to save my marriage, but I'm not letting it rule my life. I get the feeling that W is starting to realize what she stands to lose now that we are getting down to the wire with the D.

I also have a hard time understanding why she would want to be a friend to me when I am supposedly such a terrible person.

I showed a few friends a recent picture of my W. They said that she doesn't even look like the same person.

I've been married for 26 years. We go to court in 26 days....

Tad

[25yearsmlc]

absolutely yes-

the situation reverses itself often.

We've posted/discussed that a lot. Whereby the LBSer starts to feel like the WASer

b/c the WAS turns around to return or at least seriously probes,

but oops, we LBSers got dealt a lousy hand awhile back. So we played our lousy hand as best we could,

and sometimes we GAL, and managed to find some balance and it's really hard to give that up so we can go back to crazy land.

Be very careful...how? By detaching STILL and MORE...yes I mean it....b/c


The more you detach the more you force her to find her focus/direction.

IF there's a chance for her to come out of the fog it will NOT be with YOU "guiding" her out of the fog. This is HER Journey and it's a solo one.

Keep detaching...if you change course now and go back to pursuing, you could blow it for good.

Please stop telling her you miss her and what you had and all that stuff. You have said PLENTY... OMG

LET HER do some thinking and LET HER DO THE TALKING

and LET HER take some emotional risks.

Detach Tad, it's the one thing that MAYBE is helping your sitch.

Don't do what does NOT work....(=pursuit)

Please don't backslide now.

[ericmsant2]

Great post 25! Great freaking post.

Psssst.....Tad...read it over and over again.

BTW, who is detachment for?

[TAMF]

b/c the WAS turns around to return or at least seriously probes,

but oops, we LBSers got dealt a lousy hand awhile back. So we played our lousy hand as best we could,

and sometimes we GAL, and managed to find some balance and it's really hard to give that up so we can go back to crazy land.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ That right there is where I am and it is not a fun place to be. It is a struggle. I can't give you ANY advice becuase I am not handling my sitch well at all. 25 has some great advice that I am trying to follow as well. keep detaching cause they are not done.

Good luck, stay centered, don't let her stress you out. I will keep watching your thread as you are getting really great advice that I will use as well.

[AJM]

Actually Tad, I think a post from 25 was pretty good (different thread).

YES...and as such, he's responsible for his words/actions. Period.

It helped me as a L to think of it this way==

Like states such as Iowa, Texas, Florida, etc....We each have a "jurisdiction" to manage in our lives, made up of our actions/words and property and relationships and dreams, etc. It's OUR STUFF....Texas doesn't tell Iowa what to do and neither do other states tell Florida what to do...

So, Try just to handle your own sandbox of life.

That= YOUR issues, YOUR character flaws that you are working on, GAL, the 180s, loving your kids as best you can, coming up with a financial plan based on not having h around but getting reliable CS from him, etc...

Nobody else's sandbox matters to you unless their sand gets into your box.
IF SO, you move yours so you sandbox is always just fine thanks.

AND there is Plenty of sand in your box.

That seems appropriate that you would keep that distance regardless of staying married or not. Pursuit is not in your best interest and she shows signs of sadness and confusion but not of remorse and coming back. You show signs of detachment which causes her to focus on something other than you

Your own sandbox is what you are focused on allowing her to focus on hers.

Make any sandcastles yet?

AJ