My sense of loss, loneliness, grief, despair... these are things I've learned or am learning to deal with. Uncertainty, on the other hand... that's the demon I really need to learn to sit with.
The anger from my wife repeatedly rears it's ugly head. The way things were between us makes her angry. The fact that I'm changing makes her angry. The fact that I understand and accept her anger makes her angry. The fact that I'm willing to stay here without any commitment or promises from her makes her angry. The fact that I haven't told her she has to leave makes her angry. She told me today that her head believes my changes are real and permanent but that her heart doesn't. It angered her that I was willing to accept that that's where she is right now.
The thing is...she can say she is angry...but she still doesn't really express it. Not in the way I would expect at any rate. She says she still doesn't want to express it...that to do so makes her uncomfortable and anxious, and part of her feels like there isn't any point. My opinion, that I keep to myself, is that that IS the point. She needs to get to a place where expressing anger doesn't make her feel that way...to find a way to express it in a healthy manner.
H: 41 W: 35 M: 9 years T: 10 years S: 9 D: 7 ILYBINILWY & "I want a divorce": 6/22/2011 Piecing: 10/2011 Still going strong as of 4/2013
Anger is that layer of protection. Maybe it would help to think about it that way. She's not ready to show her vulnerable underbelly - but still her issue and nothing you can control except to keep doing what you're doing. It's working. It's getting through. Even if she still is maintaining and hanging onto that protective layer - eventually, if she can really really trust you - it may break down.
Anger is that layer of protection. Maybe it would help to think about it that way.
I think you're right about it being protective...or at the very least, you're right about it being helpful for me to think about it that way.
After telling me this morning how angry she is, and how she still has no idea what she wants, she came to me a little bit later on and gave me a big hug and told me that she really appreciates how supportive of her I'm being while she tries to get her head straight and figure everything out, and then she thanked me for encouraging her to take the day off today so that she could just focus on taking it easy and treating herself with some kindness and compassion.
H: 41 W: 35 M: 9 years T: 10 years S: 9 D: 7 ILYBINILWY & "I want a divorce": 6/22/2011 Piecing: 10/2011 Still going strong as of 4/2013
I suspect my ex might be doing the same - even though he moved out. But he's a guy and so he's not narrating his journey (telling me he's angry etc.) - he's just kind of shut down/moved out.
Trust me, what you're doing is working. But that's not to say it isn't very very very hard to do-
Just doing a little "inventory" again...forgive any redundancy; it helps me to write things down, even if I've already written it before.
So, a little short of 3 months since the bomb dropped, and here's where we are: My wife has gone from "I'm done and I want a divorce" to "You're my best friend and I can't imagine not having you in my life but I don't know what I want."
I've been a little light on the GAL, but very successful with the 180's...so successful that my wife has been amazed by them, but doesn't believe (yet) that they are permanent.
My wife has acknowledged her own severe codependency, and acknowledges how it contributed a great part of our relationship breakdown. She feels like she needs to work on this codependency before she can make any decision about our marriage. My independent counselor believes her codependency can and should be worked on within the context of our marriage; I'm not sure what my wife's independent counselor thinks about that. When discussing her codependency issues with me one night, I asked my wife if what she was trying to tell me was that she felt she needed to be on her own to figure things out, and she said "No", but she also said she can't quite envision coming to any decision about "us" by the November 1st deadline we have for buying our current rental together. I told her that the November deadline is an "artificial" one to the extent that I'm willing to continue on the way we have been beyond that date, but that unfortunately reality is imposing upon us the need to make a decision about our next living/housing situation. My wife thanked me for all of the support I've been giving her while she tries to "figure things out".
This past Friday was my wife's birthday. I wasn't quite sure how to handle it, but decided to "act as if"...and asked myself "what would I do if things were great between us" and employed a major 180. My wife told me I've always been great with gift-giving, but not so great when it comes to making her feel special. So, Thursday night I baked her a cake, bought her flowers, and got a few carefully chosen items from an antique store for her. Friday morning I let her sleep in while I got the kids up and off to school, let her pamper herself during the day, and then I picked the kids up when school let out. Friday night she had to work, so Saturday we had dinner and drinks at home, and then Sunday I took her to the Ren Fest (and dropped a small fortune). At one point she took me aside and thanked me for turning her birthday into a birthday weekend and for really making her feel special in a way that I never had before.
H: 41 W: 35 M: 9 years T: 10 years S: 9 D: 7 ILYBINILWY & "I want a divorce": 6/22/2011 Piecing: 10/2011 Still going strong as of 4/2013
Here's the type of thing my wife says that drives me nuts...
We were talking about a visit she had with an old guy friend of hers a couple of days ago (not an ex-boyfriend) and she was talking about how she had fallen out of contact with him because when he got married she thought it would bother his wife that he had a friend that was a girl. That's never been an issue for my wife and I; plenty of my close friends are women, and my wife has plenty of friends that are men...some are even ex-boyfriends, and I've never lost a moment of sleep over it. I'd even go so far as to say I'm fine with a little harmless flirtation here and there...my wife is pretty attractive by just about any standard, and as long as it doesn't cross a line I'm ok with the attention she sometimes gets from other men...and occasionally from other women for that matter. My wife, however, leans a little toward the jealous side, so I've always done a good job of reassuring her that she's my one and only and any other women in my life are just friends. So my wife and I are hanging out and talking about that, both of us agreeing that opposite-sex friendships are totally ok, but then my wife mentions that if I were to strike up a new friendship with a woman right now, especially if it was an attractive woman, my wife would need extra reassuring that nothing other than friendship was going on. She half-jokingly said that even if it was a situation where this new female friend and I were hanging out in a group, I would need to be texting my wife to let her know that I love her and telling her where we were and what we were doing. So...kind of an innocuous thing to say I guess...which is why I let it pass without comment (although I did hold up my ring finger to demonstrate the wedding band that still rests there) but considering the circumstances, it really made me think to myself "Really...you're the one who isn't wearing your ring anymore while I still do, you're the one who told me you wanted a divorce and now says you have no idea what you want, who hasn't told me you love me for 3 months, who won't touch me in any way except to give me a hug before you leave for work, who won't see a counselor together or even give the slightest commitment to working on the marriage...but you need reassurance from me?!?!?!"
WTF.
H: 41 W: 35 M: 9 years T: 10 years S: 9 D: 7 ILYBINILWY & "I want a divorce": 6/22/2011 Piecing: 10/2011 Still going strong as of 4/2013
I guess if I had to give myself an attitude adjustment, it would be to say that maybe I should just feel fortunate that my wife would even express the need, no matter how great or small, for reassurances about other women in the first place. I mean...it probably wouldn't be a good sign if she didn't care at all.
H: 41 W: 35 M: 9 years T: 10 years S: 9 D: 7 ILYBINILWY & "I want a divorce": 6/22/2011 Piecing: 10/2011 Still going strong as of 4/2013
Oh the ring thing is PAINFUL. When W took off her rings, I was crushed. It took me a few weeks to take mine off. I was doing a 180 of sorts b/c she knew how committed i am to the R, so I wanted her to kind of wonder... She's never said a word about my taking my rings off. But she's noticed.
Maybe you could do the same. At the very least, it adds that little touch of....'what if he/she really is moving on...?"
Food for thought
Me (f): 45 W(f) 35 T: 13 y C: S4 adopted at birth 6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up 8-28-11 OW confirmed
