Everwhere is walking distance if you have the time

[ClingingToHope]

Having a perfectly awful day. Last night XW sends me a text that she schedules two doctors appointments for today -- my day.

I can't get D9 to one. The other is the psychologist appointment. She includes in her text that she "thinks it would be good if I took her."

That probably means nothing, but I'm upset that she scheduled these appointments without asking me first.

I text back "why do you think it would be good that I took her."

She doesn't respond. In the morning she sends a text that she's canceling the appointments, with the kicker in there that she thought I'd want to take her and "she didn't know why she thought that."

I text back that I was planning on taking her.

As I left work, I wondered why I reacted that way. Why do I care anymore about scoring points. Why can't I just treat her like anyone else. I resolved -- again -- to do so.

Then I get D9. On Wednesdays I'm picking her up right after school to give her a break from after-school stuff.

She wants to go to the library -- so we go. But no, she wants to go to the downtown library. That's a different issue. I don't want to drive her downtown, then drive back, then drive downtown again to do some work only to drive back again to get her for her doctor's appointment.

I patiently try to explain to her that she'll have to wait until D12 gets home at 4 p.m. and then we'll go.

XW calls. She's having a bad day at work. She leaves an opening for me to ask what's going on -- I was always there for her to vent about work -- but I don't bite. She explains that she didn't realize it was a Wednesday when she made the appointment. I said I was going to take D9 to her appointment.

Then I get a text from D12. She has auditions today and won't be done until 5 p.m. Now I can't take D9 to the downtown library. There just isn't enough time to do that, finish my work for the newspaper and get her to the appointment.

D9 gets angry and starts threatening. She won't go to her doctor's appointment, she won't do her homework, she won't go to school, she wants to go on a bikeride to mom's ...

Already, by throwing the fit, it means I can't get back to the office and will have to email some stuff in.

She's thrown these "it's my way or I'll blow up" incidents almost every day for the past three weeks.

And finally I lost it. I pounded the desk, saying she has to work with me. She can't have everything her way every single day or else I can't be there in the afternoons.

And then I went and sat outside and felt like it was July 4 all over again. I felt helpless. She's never going to get better. I'm always going to be alone because I love her and she just wears me down. No sane person would ever willingly sign up for this.

Finally, it was time to pick up D12 and D9 refused. So I dragged her to the car and forcefully put her in the back seat. She wanted to stay home alone, but I told her no, I can't trust her by herself because she doesn't listen to me when I'm there.

Thankfully, she didn't try to bolt from the car and we went to get D12. D9 asks me if XW texted yet. I ask why. She says she sent her a text.

I look at my phone. Her texts: "I will kill myself if I have to stay at dad's." And "I hate my life."

Great. Just what I want XW to see.

We get D12 and finally D9 is quiet and holding back tears. Her anger is subsiding and when that happens she gets very apologetic.

Problem is I'm worn down. I feel like I can't keep going through this every day. I tell her she has to send XW a text saying she was wrong and apologizes. She does that.

Still, I'm fuming. I put a lot of mental effort into doing the best I can to make sure they get home as soon as possible after school. I could just wash my hands on the nights they aren't with me and leave her at daycare or after-school care until 5:30 p.m. But I want to see them every day. This is the only way.

I tell her she has to work with me after school. If I can't take her somewhere, she has to accept it. If I need her to come with me, she has to come. Otherwise, I can't pick her up after school.

She says she doesn't want me to pick her up.

Which isn't what I want to hear.

She says she wants to see me every day, but if she wants something and I tell her no, she gets mad and she can't stop herself.

Now we're at the psychologist's office and she's in talking to her and I just feel dead inside.

This lady has been her psychologist for five years, but now it feels like she works for XW -- not for us.

Plus, one of her partners was seeing XW for depression in 2008 so there's some file in here about me.

This just [censored]. I don't know if she's going to ask me to come in and talk. I am just not in the right mind set after what just happened. 95 percent of the time I feel like I am doing very well with D9. 5 percent of the time I feel so lost and it's usually because I have a deadline, I have to be somewhere and can't be as patient as D9 needs me to be.

But I don't want to tell this lady that. I don't want to tell her anything that could get back to XW as weakness. I didn't want to be a single parent dealing with an ADHD child. I don't want XW to have the satisfaction that I'm struggling.

I feel utterly defeated.

[ClingingToHope]

XW just called and I didn't pick up. I just do not want to hear her voice right now. Her old therapist walked by as well. Such fun.

[whatisis]

You need to talk to ex about scheduling appointments. Voldemort always calls me before booking or right after and is willing to change it if it conflicts. No last minute bookings unless absolutely necessary. You've got a right to be pissed!

[kat727]

What thing you can do is stop letting her go to her Mom's when she isn't happy. Your time with them is your time.

I get that you want to see them both every day. Parents should want that. However, you just told her do this or this is her only option. She picked opposite of what you wanted. Give her a few days of after school care and by then she may have worked it out for herself. This might also give you a well deserved break. Then you may might find yourself not getting so upset with her.

Give yourself a break. You are a great dad.

kat

[awest1217]

CTH- you are doing great. All single parents have it rough and dealing with the ADHD on top of being single is extra work. You are doing great and you are very involved. Think about following through with D9. If she doesn't want to come over everyday, she may want to hang out with her friends, which is nothing against you, it is just more kids to hang out with. She may like going a couple days a week and have the other days to spend with you.

She loves you very much, and she knows you love her.

[ClingingToHope]

Rest of the night went well. No more incidents. I was just drained. Morning went good. Got them off to school.

Unfortunately, today is the annual IEP meeting. I don't really want to see XW today, especially after yesterday, but I'm not going to miss it.

Trying to work in a business mixer tonight with the growth group and then rest. Weekend is busy. Cover football game for paper, final softball tournament, round of golf for newsroom tourney, Smores night with growth group.

Lots, lots to do at work too. Set up another meeting on possible next careers. It's Sept. 16 with the head of the economic development council here. This is a place I would like to work so it'll be a more "to the point" meeting. I'll basically tell the executive director I'm looking to get out of newspapers, would like to work for her so what do I need to do to be able to make that happen.

[Drew]

CTH,

Lots, lots to do at work too. Set up another meeting on possible next careers. It's Sept. 16 with the head of the economic development council here. This is a place I would like to work so it'll be a more "to the point" meeting. I'll basically tell the executive director I'm looking to get out of newspapers, would like to work for her so what do I need to do to be able to make that happen.

THIS ^^^^^^ is not waiting on something great to happen!!

Good job. Proud of you, man.

[ClingingToHope]

On the career, I'm pushing hard. In terms of meeting someone, I'm letting that happen when it happens. So when I say something great is going to happen to me, I mean someday someone great is going to come into my life.

IEP meeting was fine. Still had anxiety driving there. I was trying to think of meetings with coworkers I didn't like but I had to fake it.

I was stiff at first, but once we start talking about D9 I have a lot of opinions. I mixed in there that if she has another bad year, we need to discuss holding her back. Her lack of social skills just exacerbates the ADHD problems.

It looks as if XW has lost a little weight. She was gaining at a frightening pace, but the girls have said she is shopping much smarter now.

I was going to compliment her, but A) the right moment didn't come up and B) it's probably not my place anymore.

D12 took the bus to my house and I met her there. Homework today was writing -- how to recognize when a story needs more detail and when it has too much fluff.

That is right up my alley.

[whatisis]

Good restraint on not complimenting her on her weight loss! In my experience, any comment on a woman's weight, positive or negative, never leads to anywhere good! If it's your ex then you might as well fall on a grenade lol. When a woman says "I think I'm fat" you excuse yourself to the washroom ASAP! My new friend said to me recently "I think I need to gain weight" I went into shock, I've never heard that one before. I did the wise thing and said nothing and was able to walk away unscathed! So, CTH never ever go there.

[Drew]

CTH,

In terms of meeting someone, I'm letting that happen when it happens. So when I say something great is going to happen to me, I mean someday someone great is going to come into my life.

And while that will certainly be wonderful when it happens ...

My personal opinion is that you still base a lot of your self-esteem on the woman you are with. More than once you've said, "X was beautiful, my first girlfriend was ...."

One of the counter-intuitive parts of DB is that the more you are OK with yourself - the more attractive you are to others.