Everwhere is walking distance if you have the time

[kat727]

It is so easy to say and see what we have lost. Is is several times more difficult to see what we have gained and then to pass that on.

There is a choice to be made here...to let the divorce define you and your children's lives or to find a way to make it a blip on the radar. Dig deep and find a way to make the positives more apparent. Focusing on just you and your girls is a step in the right direction. If it helps, I started to take my kids on mini-adventures once we were separated. I took the kids on the spur of the moment to the Omaha zoo(3 hours away), another time to Atchison to see Amelia Earhart's childhood home and even an hour jaunt to Emporia to see their zoo. The kids keep asking when the next one will be...

kat

[Drew]

... find a way to make it a blip on the radar.

Excellent!!!

[ClingingToHope]

BND, she originally forwarded me the email where she corrected the school official saying we are divorced and it is Ms. now. That bothered me. I don't want to be reading emails between her and others where she's updating everyone that we are divorced. She could have just sent me an email saying "hey, they want to meet with us on these dates."

It's mostly me. I read those words and I see "I divorced that loser. My name now is ..."

Kat, I was actually happy about yesterday because there were times I felt fortunate to be free of her and the situation. Those times are growing ever so slowly. It's tough though when I'm around the girls because they want us back together. They want to know the house will always be there. They want the life they had.

Part of it is impatience too. I am eager for something great to happen. I have problems just "being fine."

Quick mental game:

I miss being with my daughters every day.

I don't miss having to gauge how XW wants me to react when the girls have a problem or issue.

I miss having someone there on the weekends and at the end of the day.

I don't miss having to negotiate her increasingly negative moods about work, her family, the house and me.

I miss the sex from years 1 through 10 of the marriage.

I don't miss the final 3 years where she was 1 million miles away.

I don't miss her family -- at all.

I miss having two incomes to work with.

I don't miss having to keep the family finances above water while she spent, spent and spent every dime and then some.

I miss having the ring on my finger -- the illusion of the perfect life and not having to explain my situation.

I don't miss the 'what is wrong with us' feeling that I've struggled with since probably 2002.

I miss waking up next to her. That's a hard one.

I don't miss watching her tumble deeper into the abyss and not knowing how to help her.

I actually miss our dog.

If you add it up, I don't miss her the person. Not the person she turned out to be. I miss the person I married, but she disappeared years ago. I do miss having the comfort, backbone and image of a family -- and I do miss my girls.

[whatisis]

I hear you, CTH. I too miss being a family. A great deal of my identity was built into being the husband and family man. I lost a lot of that, just as you have. We shall overcome!

[ClingingToHope]

Yes. It seems like the lost image of success is what bothers me the most. That means I'm superficial. I am working on it.

[whatisis]

It's not superficial! It's who you were for a lot of years, now it's adjusting to being someone else.

[Drew]

I am eager for something great to happen.

So what are you waiting for???!!!

Make it happen.

Just once, look it this as a gift and see if that doesn't make you look at things, and more importantly, ACT differently.

Life is short CTH. Make it count.

[ClingingToHope]

I guess I'm doing a mix of things, Drew.

I am making things happen professionally. Working on getting my personal blog going again, doing the book project for the developer, have had three meetings now on what career to pursue next.

I am doing the divorce recovery class again on Tuesdays and met one interesting lady -- but she's really deep in despair right now.

My church group started up again last night and I was thinking of not going because I'm still disappointed over Church_31 and she is a co-leader. I went and am glad I did. There were at least eight new people, including three interesting new women, so there's new people to know.

When I get down -- and strangely I've been down a lot the past couple of weeks -- I eventually get to the point where I tell myself "keep doing what you are doing. Something great is going to happen."

Patience has never, ever been my virtue. I always push too hard. So that's what I'm trying to learn. Stay on the path and good things will come. I'm trying to do that with my daughters. Lead by example, instead of by lecture.

Journaling: Response from XW on meeting next week. It'll be the 8th. No response from my email about not forwarding stuff to me where she's correcting her marital status.

I should be able to avoid her this weekend. I pick the girls up after school and they are with me Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

Thinking about Monday. Really, it's my Labor Day to have them, but she promised them she'd take them to Great America. That's fine with me. So if she keeps the promise, I may walk them to her house Sunday night so they can wake up there.

That way I can get up early Monday to either go golfing or donate plasma. Then the rest of the day I'm going to try to spend working on the book project. I can't let that get behind. I'll need that money next year when it's finished.

[ClingingToHope]

Interesting. I see a girl on plentyoffish from my town, right age, very pretty, that I'd like to meet and send her a message.

Turns out she knows me. I went with her to a party years ago and even kissed her hand. I don't remember any of this.

She married a classmate of mine and they are separated. I remember the classmate. Big, good looking football player. Had a temper, but nothing dangerous. We were friends.

Not sure if this will go anywhere. Not sure if I want it to -- at least while they are separated. I hated my ex-wife hanging out with her biker buddies in a po-dunk town while we were still married, and I didn't know any of them.

I couldn't date a lady married to a classmate until the divorce was final. I doubt I could date anyone who was just separated. I hate divorce. I want marriages to work out.

[kml]

Well, there's separated, and then there's separated. I was separated for two years before my divorce was finalized, but it was completely over from the day he filed soon after he left. All the DBing, drama, reconciliation attempts etc in our case had gone on in the years before he left - once he was gone it was quickly over from an emotional sense. The ONLY reason it took two years to get divorced was that the paperwork side of things was such a pain in the neck.

So - I know my sitch wasn't necessarily the norm, but I'm just saying some people are still legally in the separation stage but emotionally well divorced. Similarly, some people have divorced but not let go yet. Which do you think she is?

(P.S. She never forgot you kissing her hand!)