I want to start out by thanking Laurie for my first session. I had experienced some of the worst 18 hours of my life just before I called her and hadn't slept for 2 days. Despite the awful mood I was in and the stress I was under, I pulled it together for my session primarily due to Laurie's support.

She confirmed many of the things I suspected about my behavior. She drew attention to many of the things I missed including the positive doubt that was hidden inside of my husband, the amount of connection that we still had, and the small steps forward I was able to affect on my own in the few weeks since I read DR. She cheered me on for the insight I had gained into my own feelings and she helped me clear up many questions about specific reactions I should have to the things H says to me. It was sort of like I read DR and began implementing the obvious but still had confusion and lacked confidence. The session with her started to tie up loose ends that I didn't get from reading the book. And it allowed me to ask very specific questions that relate directly to the personalities of my H and I. She didn't always have an immediate answer but we talked it through and I am certain we came to the right conclusion in each instance.

If most of the success from my first session was because Laurie is so awesome; the other portion is because I showed up prepared. And for those of you on a tight budget as I am, I think you will find the rest of this post very interesting. I would like to outline for you how I prepared for my first session.

Not that I think DB coaching prices are excessive, because compared to the price of other online therapy, DB is much more reasonable. (Plus, if your goal is to save your severely threatened marriage from the brink of divorce, you shouldn't go anywhere else but here.) There should be no cost too great to save your marriage, but it is so refreshing to see they are not overcharging desperate people. I am just simply saying that you don't want to show up to your first session with no clue what it is all about. And to get the most out of your money and have the most immediate benefits, it is best to prepare. I looked for a coaching prep list in the forum but didn't find it. I hope if someone else looking for a list that this one helps, or if you have additional tips, please add on.

1. Read DR at least once and then skim through a second time highlighting the parts that strike you. At the very least, you really should learn the DR lingo before you call.
2. Do exactly as DR suggests and write down your action-oriented small-step goals. Think hard about these and be as inclusive as you can.
3. I am the queen of list making so I began making lists.
a. I made a list of my GAL's and 180's.
b. I made pro and con lists for my H's behavior towards me, my reactions to his behavior, and our relationship status in general. I made a list of all of the strengths of our relationship and the things I liked about my husband.
c. I made journal entries about all the different things I tried and what his reaction was. I wrote as much detail as I could remember about the way he reacted to things I said.
4. I gave myself a time frame and began experimenting. I decided that I wanted to have some practice implementing the 180's under my belt before I called my coach so that I could understand things better. I decided I would try my 180's for two weeks and then set up my appointment. This was a really great decision because after two weeks, I had reached a point where I once again had more questions than answers but re-reading DR was not going to provide anything more. For instance, I found that I could only Act As If for 3-4 days at a time before steam would burst from my ears and I would have nothing short of a breakdown. Or, there was a big event coming in the next few days and DR didn't have the answers to my questions on how to handle specifics about the event.
5. Another list session: I listed some VERY specific questions that are specific to our sitch only. For example, I asked how should I respond (exact wording) to this thing he said, do you think his reaction to what I said/did is a sign of positive doubt, or can you help me with ways to extend the amount of time I can Act As If?
6. I had a succinct yet detailed story, written of course so that nothing was forgotten. I started at the beginning where the trouble began and came right up to the present. When your coach asks you what is going on, don't start with, "I had an affair and my husband filed for divorce." That doesn't help them at all. I started with the moment we started to drift apart, the stressors involved, more detail about what has gone on over the last 6 months, and the outcomes of the last two conversations my H and I had."
NOW YOUR READY TO CALL!
My story only took 10 minutes and from that point, my coach knew enough to dive right in to working on my immediate goals for the remainder of the session. Since I already had lists of everything and had spent considerable time thinking about what I could do differently, it was a piece of cake. I asked my specific questions, which of course then added to my list of goals, GAL's and 180's. So lastly, do as they say and remember to have a pen and paper, or computer if you like to type better. You will want to refer to your new list often before your next coaching session.

GOOD LUCK!


Me: 32/ H: 32/ S13/ D5
T: 15/ M: 8
Rock bottom: 4/11
ILYB: 5/11, but I knew it at least a yr before
Gaining acceptance: 8/11

You must be the change you wish to see. - Mahatma Gandhi