WAW 3 months into divorce. seems like LRT is the only technique that applies to me. I have 3 kids that I'm involved with everyday because of their sports. I see, talk or email with my wife everyday also, mostly about our kids. things have cooled since the begining,our relationship is friendly right now. at day 1 she said she would not reconcile with me. how do I get a life when I see her everyday and all my time is spent with my kids? I also have a anniversary comming up real soon. how do I handle that?
also I'd like to add that before she left I was not involed very much with my kids activitys.as of now I have devoted 100% of my time away from work to be with my kids.she has custody M-f but she is allowing me to pick them up everyday for sports and then I have them all weekend. there's no mystery in what I'm doing everyday and night. I'm almost to the point of giving up, I feel like I'm self inflicting pain and it's eating me alive. I love my wife and kids very much but it would be much easier if I just went away. I have educated myself on the situation though books and this web site and also DB counceling and feel that it's realy up to her at this point and there's not much I can say or do. At some point I must go on with my life and that's pretty hard to do when I see and interact with her daily. it's not much different then being married.
Billy, From a mom perspective I see the toll it takes on my kids every day. Having a father that is not there when he used to be causes a huge shift in their confidence and security. The whole situation obviously does this as well. I think it is very very important that you spend time with those kids every chance you get. I think you can use the LRT effectively even though you see her every day. I am in a similar situation where I see my H every day but that doesnt mean we have to interact a ton with her. Keep it just related to the kids and that is it.. Anything else is out of bounds.. Seeing your W will always stir up those emotions but the most imporant thing is to not let her see. You have to learn to be happy with the kids and you and also GAL. All of this hurts but it will get less painful and easier if you focus on you and the kids. Remember the kids know what is going on no matter what you tell them. They feel the tension and the upset however they may feel like it is them causing that, and you dont want that.
Good luck! One breath at a time..
______________________________________ H:32 W: 35 M- 11 Tog- 13 D-5 S-9 Sep. June 5th Bomb 6/27/11 OW Discovered on July 18th and admitted.... Divorced 11/22/2011 Ex Engaged to OW Jan. 2012
I'm struggling with this too, my wife and I switch days staying at our home so I see her everyday. She says she wants space but everyday I see her she wants to have some level of conversation. Hard to detach when I see her everyday! I'm still wanting to know what the right steps are to. Handle my sitch
M: 25 W:23 M: 4 years T: 10 years S:5 S1 BD: 8/20/12 Sep: 11/12
I'm struggling with this too, my wife and I switch days staying at our home so I see her everyday. She says she wants space but everyday I see her she wants to have some level of conversation. Hard to detach when I see her everyday! I'm still wanting to know what the right steps are to. Handle my sitch
Here are some helpful ideas. Pretend your spouse is someone you have to see at work - someone you are familiar with but not invested in one way or the other. Never start a conversation with them if you can help it ( you may have to talk about kids/money - but don't initiate any convo. When they walk in the room - you leave - If there are having trouble with something whether it be the kids - fixing something etc - don't help unless they ask.
Here are some more tips
·I found more ways to focus on my children and myself. ·I forced myself to stop thinking about what my H was doing and how unfair it was. ·I realized there is really nothing I could do about my H’s behavior anyway. ·I learned to state boundaries in a friendly none threatening tone. And I stated those boundaries quickly and succinctly. ·I tried to process all my emotions in a healthy way that allowed me to stay calm just about 24/7. (If I became angry I broke plates against a wall to get out the anger.)
·I worked on my self-esteem.
·I started going out once a week and having H watch the kids.
·I tried to stay in touch with my emotions as best as I could and release them as close to the incident as possible even if I thought I felt fine.
·I "acted as if", I was going on with my life, I gave my H some breathing room.
·I tried different 180’s.
· I became more unpredictable. One fourth of July H said he was going out. (Not spending it as a family) So I had a barbeque and invited lots of people over and celebrated without him.
·I became mysterious.
· I stopped initiating any conversation.
· I went to my room as soon as he came home.
· I laughed a lot and enjoyed my kids in my room with the door shut.
· I never made plans that included him.
· I stopped interfering and/or helping along his relationships with the kids.
· I stopped keeping him informed on the kids.
·I avoided OR talks.
· I stopped confronting him.
· I left the room first and ended conversations first.
·I was always friendly but distracted.
·I stopped defending myself.
·I listened to him ad- nauseum.
· I sat in therapy sessions and let him express his anger at me until I couldn’t do it anymore.
·Went to counseling by myself.
·Made a list of all of my good points and talents(To remind myself of my worth)
·I took stock of what about myself could be improved and did so.
·I prayed
·I became more focused on what I had to be grateful for.
·I gave the whole situation over to God.
If someone decides there is no goodness in you they won't be able to see it. I'll take a BLT over a MLC anyday !!!
I just started the LTR, and I am hurting so much. It hurts not to talk to my wife, and to see her interact normally with everyone else but me. I don't want too lose her, but I also don't like the lack of interaction.
I think there is hope for our marriage, but I think this hurts more than if she moved out. I'm at a loss
yea im having trouble with thte not starting a convo thing. like today when i went to get my kids from her, she looked absolutly gourgous, she was going to get her hair done then going dress shopping then to dinner with her female friend. i couldnt take my eyes off her. she was in her nice nice jeans and very nice dressy shirt. and i couldnt help but ask her what she was doing tonight and made a cute little remark saying (are you sure your not going on a date?) she smiled and said no daniel i promise im not. and after i left and was driving i sent her a text saying "you look pretty".
i know i need to not do this but my heart almost makes my fingers do it and my mouth say it. errrrrr....
M: 25 W:23 M: 4 years T: 10 years S:5 S1 BD: 8/20/12 Sep: 11/12
Very good to be reminded of it all.I found giving it over to God saves my sanity.it's his plan so moth as well realize there's nothing I can do except pray .
